Why Doesn't He Miss Me
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
James, I am the mother of a RAS. I had to kick my son out, take the keys and say not to come around unless he was ready to get clean.
He finally did but it's no different. A drug addict only cares about their drug and will do anything to get it. The rest of us are collateral damage.
You are taking the great advice you are getting too personally. People here aren't going to sugar coat the truth. Doing so won't help you! The people here have been there. They know what they speak of. It's not thoughtless drivel. It is good, honest advice. Please do not feel picked on. Believe me it's given with care and hope for you to see things thesaurus truly are. Being a loved one of an addict is heart breaking and none of us wants to see the harsh truth. It hurts!
Your exbf is in active addiction on a self destructive mission. If he has to he will take you down with him.
From your posts it sounds like you want to hear he will come crawling back to you because he needs you. It sounds like you, James, need to be needed maybe? I say this with honesty and compassion. Have you tried therapy to see why you would want to have hope for a relationship with such a self destructive addict in big trouble now with the law? It's not just the addicts who need help. You were together 8 years. I get you have time invested but it doesn't look like he is thinking of quitting anytime soon. Are you going to let time pass you by hoping for something that may never happen? You deserve to be with someone who loves you and can be trusted and honest. I wish you the best.
He finally did but it's no different. A drug addict only cares about their drug and will do anything to get it. The rest of us are collateral damage.
You are taking the great advice you are getting too personally. People here aren't going to sugar coat the truth. Doing so won't help you! The people here have been there. They know what they speak of. It's not thoughtless drivel. It is good, honest advice. Please do not feel picked on. Believe me it's given with care and hope for you to see things thesaurus truly are. Being a loved one of an addict is heart breaking and none of us wants to see the harsh truth. It hurts!
Your exbf is in active addiction on a self destructive mission. If he has to he will take you down with him.
From your posts it sounds like you want to hear he will come crawling back to you because he needs you. It sounds like you, James, need to be needed maybe? I say this with honesty and compassion. Have you tried therapy to see why you would want to have hope for a relationship with such a self destructive addict in big trouble now with the law? It's not just the addicts who need help. You were together 8 years. I get you have time invested but it doesn't look like he is thinking of quitting anytime soon. Are you going to let time pass you by hoping for something that may never happen? You deserve to be with someone who loves you and can be trusted and honest. I wish you the best.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by James86 
I went through his first round of drug use. I kicked him out in December because he didn't want to go to rehab. He then said he wouldn't live on people's couches forever and he would seek rehab. That turned into 2.5 months of him living with his friend. We DID talk though throughout. He told me he'd never give up on me, he loved me, etc. I didn't take a lot of his crap though. Anyway, he ended up getting arrested at the end of that 2.5 months and threw his friend under the bus to the police. He called me when he needed someone to pick him up.
Maybe I was being used. But I only agreed to pick him up if he went to rehab. He went a day or two later. He did the 30 days, came home to me and then met this 19-year-old in NA. He started staying out 8 hours each evening, this kid became his "best friend," who was "keeping him clean."
I finally had enough after 2 months of "recovery" when I realized he got hired as a go-go dancer (SO out of character for him), was hooking up with this kid behind my back, and was consistently lying about where he was.
Sadly, the beast was reawakened and he's now in full-on active addition again, which is why I kicked him out on May 26.
He's telling everyone that we had problems and that we love each other, but the "exciting factor" just wasn't there and he had to "follow his gut."
Clearly, as some of you have said, this 19-year-old can't provide a good life for him. They obviously can't build anything great. Since he's been gone, he's acquired at least three warrants, skipped out on a prearraignment trial conference for that February arrest, and hasn't paid his bills. I refuse to pay his bills this time around, because he's dating someone else, AND I've learned better from Nar-anon.
Each and every person in my life tells me he will come back to me, without a doubt. And I know some of you may not understand why I'd even want that, but I did spend 8 years with this person. I love him very much. I don't want to be with the person he is now -- all he can do is hurt me, but I have hope he'll seek recovery. And if he does, then I'll make my decision.
His letters to me while he was in rehab showed me how he really feels. At least that's what I think. He said I was what he always wanted and the drugs changed his thinking on everything, etc. He said he didn't even want to be on suboxone because he wanted to be clear of ANYTHING in his body, so that he could do anything and go anwyehere with me.
We had a very deep love. A long history and great memories. I'm telling myself this isn't the real him.
Even his counselor at rehab told me that drugs COMPLETELY change you and that I should just let him hit his bottom.
Any suggestions from readers? Do drugs numb your emotions? If he were sober, would he want his life with me back? Is this 19-year-old a product of the drug use? Is my ex just using him because he allows my ex to use and doesn't set certain rules for him?
Maybe I was being used. But I only agreed to pick him up if he went to rehab. He went a day or two later. He did the 30 days, came home to me and then met this 19-year-old in NA. He started staying out 8 hours each evening, this kid became his "best friend," who was "keeping him clean."
I finally had enough after 2 months of "recovery" when I realized he got hired as a go-go dancer (SO out of character for him), was hooking up with this kid behind my back, and was consistently lying about where he was.
Sadly, the beast was reawakened and he's now in full-on active addition again, which is why I kicked him out on May 26.
He's telling everyone that we had problems and that we love each other, but the "exciting factor" just wasn't there and he had to "follow his gut."
Clearly, as some of you have said, this 19-year-old can't provide a good life for him. They obviously can't build anything great. Since he's been gone, he's acquired at least three warrants, skipped out on a prearraignment trial conference for that February arrest, and hasn't paid his bills. I refuse to pay his bills this time around, because he's dating someone else, AND I've learned better from Nar-anon.
Each and every person in my life tells me he will come back to me, without a doubt. And I know some of you may not understand why I'd even want that, but I did spend 8 years with this person. I love him very much. I don't want to be with the person he is now -- all he can do is hurt me, but I have hope he'll seek recovery. And if he does, then I'll make my decision.
His letters to me while he was in rehab showed me how he really feels. At least that's what I think. He said I was what he always wanted and the drugs changed his thinking on everything, etc. He said he didn't even want to be on suboxone because he wanted to be clear of ANYTHING in his body, so that he could do anything and go anwyehere with me.
We had a very deep love. A long history and great memories. I'm telling myself this isn't the real him.
Even his counselor at rehab told me that drugs COMPLETELY change you and that I should just let him hit his bottom.
Any suggestions from readers? Do drugs numb your emotions? If he were sober, would he want his life with me back? Is this 19-year-old a product of the drug use? Is my ex just using him because he allows my ex to use and doesn't set certain rules for him?
It was the same with me and my husband; we had been a couple/married for many years before he became addicted to prescription pain meds, then progressed to other drugs.
I look at it sort of like this; all those years we spent together he built up a large trust bank with me. When he was in active addiction the withdrawal’s started coming out, and he was even on credit for a while….. But he got help for his addiction before the trust bank collapsed.
You separated from your boyfriend when his behavior became negative to you. I did the same thing because I didn’t want to live with his behaviors of staying out late, being with his drug using friends from work, the lies, etc. In the beginning I also thought he would get bored and come home. What I didn’t know at that time was once he crossed a certain point of drug use it became an addiction. A physiological addiction, and not just a choice for him at this point. His brain was altered by the drugs and he wasn’t functioning normally. He was changed… physically changed by the drugs.
I think this is what the counselor at the drug rehab was trying to tell you.
Even his counselor at rehab told me that drugs COMPLETELY change you
Why doesn’t he miss you ? After 8 years he probably does miss you at times. My husband says he missed me and our life. People with addiction still have emotions and feelings… they are just altered, reality is often altered while they are using. In down times, the emotions can become so painful they seek out more drugs to numb the pain and make reality and pain fade away. I think there are actually a lot of feelings going on.
Will he come back once he stops using? I don’t have the answer to this of course. My husband was still using when we intervened and got him into rehab. After his head cleared then he made a commitment to our family (me and our son). Sometimes people will also do a 180 and leave the past entirely behind… I think it depends on how they view situations and relationships.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you for asking these questions. I was separated from my husband for about a year, and while I continued to live my life the best I could… I still loved him and felt there was still a future for us…
He too had an affair, even lived with another drug using woman for a while (all while I was pregnant). Why did he do it? We went through a lot of marriage counseling to work through it, but final answer all has to do with using drugs, not living in reality, numbing the negative feelings, and using her to make him feel better. I had many people tell me drugs don't cause cheating but I disagree.
All I can really suggest is that you continue to build a good healthy life for yourself. I tried to focus on my career, my son, home, family, friends. Later I worked with a therapist who taught me about addiction, let me work through all my feelings related to myself and my husband, and helped me heal. My husband stopped using just over 2 years ago.. I don't use labels.. but will say he recovered from his addiction and now just strives to live a healthy life.
Here are a couple of things to think about in terms of the future:
If he does stop using, can you forgive all the things he has done?
Could you ever learn to trust him again?
Having gone through this would you always be afraid it would happen again?
Will you hold this against him forever, even if he never relapses?
Would you be paranoid, anxious and always worrying, or keep up a wall for safety?
Will you regret waiting around for him? If so, how long would be too long? A few months, a year, two?
Good Luck to you both.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Hello James,
I am sorry that you've felt unsupported here. That's certainly not what these forums are for! I, too, have felt a bit picked on when people have repeatedly asked me why we "let" our AS steal from us. I've been frustrated with that and tuned out for a while. It's like, this isn't supposed to layer MORE stress on top of an already almost unbearably stressful situation.
Let me say, though that - as the parent of an addict - maybe one of the reasons that you are feeling some of the reaction you do is that, from our perspective, we are incredulous that anybody would stick around for this if they didn't "have" to. Believe it or not, sometimes I read posts from people saying, well my boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse this or that, and I am literally jealous... the person is actually NOT stuck in that relationship forever, that person can walk away and never ever deal with the addict again. I don't have that choice. Believe me sometimes I wish I did.
It's isn't at all that there's a hierarchy of pain or stress involved with loving an addicted person. Your feelings for your bf are just as valid as mine for my son and please don't ever think people are diminishing or discounting them. But I think we can both agree, there is something qualitatively different about a relationship that (at the end of the day) you can end, full stop, and one you can't. There are different considerations and feelings involved, that's all - not that one is "better" or "more valid" than the other.
I wish you for today a measure of peace with your feelings about all this. I know it's REALLY hard.
Jane
I am sorry that you've felt unsupported here. That's certainly not what these forums are for! I, too, have felt a bit picked on when people have repeatedly asked me why we "let" our AS steal from us. I've been frustrated with that and tuned out for a while. It's like, this isn't supposed to layer MORE stress on top of an already almost unbearably stressful situation.
Let me say, though that - as the parent of an addict - maybe one of the reasons that you are feeling some of the reaction you do is that, from our perspective, we are incredulous that anybody would stick around for this if they didn't "have" to. Believe it or not, sometimes I read posts from people saying, well my boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse this or that, and I am literally jealous... the person is actually NOT stuck in that relationship forever, that person can walk away and never ever deal with the addict again. I don't have that choice. Believe me sometimes I wish I did.
It's isn't at all that there's a hierarchy of pain or stress involved with loving an addicted person. Your feelings for your bf are just as valid as mine for my son and please don't ever think people are diminishing or discounting them. But I think we can both agree, there is something qualitatively different about a relationship that (at the end of the day) you can end, full stop, and one you can't. There are different considerations and feelings involved, that's all - not that one is "better" or "more valid" than the other.
I wish you for today a measure of peace with your feelings about all this. I know it's REALLY hard.
Jane
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Washington, NJ
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by allforcnm
I think I have some idea of how your feeling James. I had to go back and look at your earlier threads; what I was looking for was verification you have been with your boyfriend 8 years and most of these were non-drug years.... his drug use started 2 years ago.
It was the same with me and my husband; we had been a couple/married for many years before he became addicted to prescription pain meds, then progressed to other drugs.
I look at it sort of like this; all those years we spent together he built up a large trust bank with me. When he was in active addiction the withdrawal’s started coming out, and he was even on credit for a while….. But he got help for his addiction before the trust bank collapsed.
You separated from your boyfriend when his behavior became negative to you. I did the same thing because I didn’t want to live with his behaviors of staying out late, being with his drug using friends from work, the lies, etc. In the beginning I also thought he would get bored and come home. What I didn’t know at that time was once he crossed a certain point of drug use it became an addiction. A physiological addiction, and not just a choice for him at this point. His brain was altered by the drugs and he wasn’t functioning normally. He was changed… physically changed by the drugs.
I think this is what the counselor at the drug rehab was trying to tell you.
If you havent read up on the brain and drugs then I would recommend reading over at National Institute of Drug Abuse as they have a very comprehensive site and its based on the latest medical science.
Why doesn’t he miss you ? After 8 years he probably does miss you at times. My husband says he missed me and our life. People with addiction still have emotions and feelings… they are just altered, reality is often altered while they are using. In down times, the emotions can become so painful they seek out more drugs to numb the pain and make reality and pain fade away. I think there are actually a lot of feelings going on.
Will he come back once he stops using? I don’t have the answer to this of course. My husband was still using when we intervened and got him into rehab. After his head cleared then he made a commitment to our family (me and our son). Sometimes people will also do a 180 and leave the past entirely behind… I think it depends on how they view situations and relationships.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you for asking these questions. I was separated from my husband for about a year, and while I continued to live my life the best I could… I still loved him and felt there was still a future for us…
He too had an affair, even lived with another drug using woman for a while (all while I was pregnant). Why did he do it? We went through a lot of marriage counseling to work through it, but final answer all has to do with using drugs, not living in reality, numbing the negative feelings, and using her to make him feel better. I had many people tell me drugs don't cause cheating but I disagree.
All I can really suggest is that you continue to build a good healthy life for yourself. I tried to focus on my career, my son, home, family, friends. Later I worked with a therapist who taught me about addiction, let me work through all my feelings related to myself and my husband, and helped me heal. My husband stopped using just over 2 years ago.. I don't use labels.. but will say he recovered from his addiction and now just strives to live a healthy life.
Here are a couple of things to think about in terms of the future:
If he does stop using, can you forgive all the things he has done?
Could you ever learn to trust him again?
Having gone through this would you always be afraid it would happen again?
Will you hold this against him forever, even if he never relapses?
Would you be paranoid, anxious and always worrying, or keep up a wall for safety?
Will you regret waiting around for him? If so, how long would be too long? A few months, a year, two?
Good Luck to you both.
It was the same with me and my husband; we had been a couple/married for many years before he became addicted to prescription pain meds, then progressed to other drugs.
I look at it sort of like this; all those years we spent together he built up a large trust bank with me. When he was in active addiction the withdrawal’s started coming out, and he was even on credit for a while….. But he got help for his addiction before the trust bank collapsed.
You separated from your boyfriend when his behavior became negative to you. I did the same thing because I didn’t want to live with his behaviors of staying out late, being with his drug using friends from work, the lies, etc. In the beginning I also thought he would get bored and come home. What I didn’t know at that time was once he crossed a certain point of drug use it became an addiction. A physiological addiction, and not just a choice for him at this point. His brain was altered by the drugs and he wasn’t functioning normally. He was changed… physically changed by the drugs.
I think this is what the counselor at the drug rehab was trying to tell you.
If you havent read up on the brain and drugs then I would recommend reading over at National Institute of Drug Abuse as they have a very comprehensive site and its based on the latest medical science.
Why doesn’t he miss you ? After 8 years he probably does miss you at times. My husband says he missed me and our life. People with addiction still have emotions and feelings… they are just altered, reality is often altered while they are using. In down times, the emotions can become so painful they seek out more drugs to numb the pain and make reality and pain fade away. I think there are actually a lot of feelings going on.
Will he come back once he stops using? I don’t have the answer to this of course. My husband was still using when we intervened and got him into rehab. After his head cleared then he made a commitment to our family (me and our son). Sometimes people will also do a 180 and leave the past entirely behind… I think it depends on how they view situations and relationships.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you for asking these questions. I was separated from my husband for about a year, and while I continued to live my life the best I could… I still loved him and felt there was still a future for us…
He too had an affair, even lived with another drug using woman for a while (all while I was pregnant). Why did he do it? We went through a lot of marriage counseling to work through it, but final answer all has to do with using drugs, not living in reality, numbing the negative feelings, and using her to make him feel better. I had many people tell me drugs don't cause cheating but I disagree.
All I can really suggest is that you continue to build a good healthy life for yourself. I tried to focus on my career, my son, home, family, friends. Later I worked with a therapist who taught me about addiction, let me work through all my feelings related to myself and my husband, and helped me heal. My husband stopped using just over 2 years ago.. I don't use labels.. but will say he recovered from his addiction and now just strives to live a healthy life.
Here are a couple of things to think about in terms of the future:
If he does stop using, can you forgive all the things he has done?
Could you ever learn to trust him again?
Having gone through this would you always be afraid it would happen again?
Will you hold this against him forever, even if he never relapses?
Would you be paranoid, anxious and always worrying, or keep up a wall for safety?
Will you regret waiting around for him? If so, how long would be too long? A few months, a year, two?
Good Luck to you both.
Can I ask you -- what was your experience like during that one year apart from your husband? Did you speak to him while he was with the other woman? I suppose you did, considering you were pregnant with his child. If not, did he contact you first?
Sometimes, I want to reach out to my ex... Maybe because I'm impatient? I only want to reach out in hopes of intervening and seeing if he's open to rehab. But I guess he needs to come to that conclusion on his own.
And as much as I want to reach out, I also think -- if I reach out, isn't that teaching him that cheating is okay with me?
I want him to do all the work, so I know this is what he wants.
Do you have any advice based on your experience?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: long island ny
Posts: 64
james, love thicket is right. we as parents mourn the loss of our child because we can remember holding them in our arms and nuturing them. guilding them through all there rough patches , protecting them. no one is diminishing your love or heartache, we all feel pain from the addicts use and lack of disregard. you can however make the choice to let the addict control your emotions. this is his choice to be with people that will not prevent him from doing his drug of choice, you are a barrier to that use. you can move on and have a life with someone who will apppreciate all your love that you have to give in a healthy relationship. all addicts see is the way to get to where they want to go without caring who sinks in the ship with them. we can love them, but we also have choices to make... if you go to a meeting you will find people there to welcome you just like you do in hear. we may not like what we hear but everyone here speaks the truth because we all walk in the same shoes right now. there is nothing you are feeling that we don't at one time or another felt. they will say things that hurt us, stealing our souls and drain us till we are empty. you are worthy of finding someone who can be present in your life and not bring all the chaos and saddness you feel.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: newton, NH
Posts: 12
I am sorry James, I hope I did not hurt your feelings with my comment. That was not my intention. My husband and I split up on May 1st after 26 years together. I am only a few weeks ahead of you in the healing process but I have changed alot in thoes couple weeks. It has been hard! SO hard! Not only did I lose my soulmate I am also losing the house we have lived in for the past 20 years. He found himself an anorexic girlfriend when he was in the hospital but continued to threaten me (this is somehow my fault entirely) so i took out a restrainig order. So I know your pain! I plan to keep on with my life, keep moving forward, improve myself, because I have no other choice. And I also pray to God that he will take care of my husband because I can not do it. If he gets clean and I mean spotless! lol I would take him back. That does not look like it will happen anytime soon. I do not know where his bottom is. I lost husband and house. he lost that too, and his job, kids, sisters, father, friends, reputation, and his health (kidney damage) and that is not enough... that is not bottom. I just hope you do not let him drag you to the bottom with him because it could be a long way down. Work on you and if he comes back you can be there for him and if he dont then you will still be okay.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
It's just so hard to let people go that you love.
But, again, what's the alternative in situations where the person you have to let go of is deep in the throes of addiction?
This will be my final contribution to this thread.
The reason why I've been adamant regarding my positions on this particular thread is because I've been where James is. I saw, up close and personal, what drugs can do to a loved one. I experienced the machinations of a manipulative, sick person. And what I've learned is what everyone has learned on the Board to one degree or another:
1) You can't love someone out of addiction
2) The addict, when in active addiction, does not give a crap about how much you love them
So, the question becomes why would anyone willingly choose to couple themselves to a person who brings them nothing but pain and suffering?
When you look at addiction in a probabilistic sense, the chances that someone in active addiction finds long term recovery are not very good. So in the context of non-marital romantic relationships, the safe play is to protect yourself by moving on and allowing yourself to heal.
Recent case in point: scheherazade chose to leave her ABF rather than allow her future to be compromised by a sick person. Doesn't mean it was easy for her, because it wasn't. But she, as a very young woman, showed a lot more courage than I did when I was faced with a sick person dragging me down. She threw down a hard, firm boundary, stuck with it, and is riding out the ensuing emotional storm.
So, I believe the answer to that question -- why would anyone willingly choose to couple themselves to a person who brings them nothing but pain and suffering -- has less to do with the addict and more to do with us. In my case, I had a hole in my makeup that, after one relationship failed, I tried to fill with another one. It took a lot of work to understand that we can't fill holes in our makeup with other people. And when we try to fill those holes with someone who is not emotionally available -- like active addictions -- all that is is a recipe for heartache. Whatever holes I have these days, I fill with things that do not depend on other people.
In any event, James, I wish you the best.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by James86
Thank you for taking the time to go through my old posts. Sometimes I forget to mention all the details, like he's only been using for the past two years (out of 8 we've been together). That doesn't excuse what he's doing, but he wasn't always a drug addict.
Can I ask you -- what was your experience like during that one year apart from your husband? Did you speak to him while he was with the other woman? I suppose you did, considering you were pregnant with his child. If not, did he contact you first?
Sometimes, I want to reach out to my ex... Maybe because I'm impatient? I only want to reach out in hopes of intervening and seeing if he's open to rehab. But I guess he needs to come to that conclusion on his own.
And as much as I want to reach out, I also think -- if I reach out, isn't that teaching him that cheating is okay with me?
I want him to do all the work, so I know this is what he wants.
Do you have any advice based on your experience?
Can I ask you -- what was your experience like during that one year apart from your husband? Did you speak to him while he was with the other woman? I suppose you did, considering you were pregnant with his child. If not, did he contact you first?
Sometimes, I want to reach out to my ex... Maybe because I'm impatient? I only want to reach out in hopes of intervening and seeing if he's open to rehab. But I guess he needs to come to that conclusion on his own.
And as much as I want to reach out, I also think -- if I reach out, isn't that teaching him that cheating is okay with me?
I want him to do all the work, so I know this is what he wants.
Do you have any advice based on your experience?
No I didn’t have a lot of contact with my husband during that year. He became addicted after an injury and legitimate pain. But when the doctor and I thought he had gone off them, back to work; he found a few guys at work who were into pills and other drugs and continued using. At first I was just angry about his behavior because he was acting like he had never done in the past, and it wasn’t what I expected our marriage to be.
I want to make it clear however, he was highly functional while using; he maintained a well paying career, continued to deposit into our joint account and I took his share for our home bills… all while he leased a nice townhouse. I didn’t put him out on the street, didn’t think he would actually lease or get a new home. I just thought he would bounce around with his friends a few weeks, get bored and come home. I had told him to come home when he was done.
So at first I was expecting him to stop and come home, then I was angry. At the time I didn’t know I was pregnant. When I found out I still waited a while thinking he would come home on his own. Then I decided to tell him but he didn’t believe me. (I wasn’t showing much) and he thought I was trying to trick him. LOL So then I got really mad of course… then I found out about the lease, and he was seeing this woman who used drugs, then they moved in together. So I decided not to tell him about the baby at that point.
Anyway, he was with that woman a few months off and on, his lease ended on his house and he decided to move in with one of the guys from work. That didn’t work out, he then went to his parents and asked if he could stay there while he sorted things out (he was still using) but his mom was practicing “detachment” and told him no. So then he went to my parents and they told his yes he could stay there. Their support was the first positive change for him. They actually hid him from me for a while… LOL.. funny now, but not then. He was still using when there, had seizures from Xanax, they finally told me what was going on, and with the help of a doctor we got him to agree to inpatient rehab. I had done all the research and picked out three. Told him my first choice, and he just agreed to that one. That’s how his recovery started….
I have a pretty positive outlook on recovery. I think from my own experience, and from being around others who have found recovery also. My husband went to a non 12 step rehab where they used private therapy including CBT and other evidence based approaches. Their recovery rate was in the 70% range, and although many will say that’s unheard of… National Institute of Drug Abuse actually estimates recovery rates (without relapse) to be comparable to other chronic illness (diabetes, asthma, hypertension…) around 40-60%.. The key is for people to get individualized treatment that meets all their needs… just like with any other illness.. it has to be personalized care.
I shared this because perhaps it helps understand why I post the way I do. I have no idea what will come your way… there are as many stories of addiction and recovery as there are people.. millions suffer in addiction, millions recover also… but its sort of a here and now thing when you’re a family member or loved one. What do I do right now? Only you can figure that one out…
When my husband was in rehab and I started working with a therapist; she suggested I learn CRAFT - Community Reinforcement and Family Training to help support my husband’s early recovery while also taking care of myself. This program relies on the power of our relationships to encourage, motivate, provide positive reinforcement to our loved ones either in addiction, or in recovery. It also has very good results at getting loved ones to WANT to enter treatment of their own free will. Less of an intervention than I ended up doing… so I wish I had known about this while my husband was in active addiction because I would have done things much differently, and perhaps avoided what we now call the “missing year” but what’s done it done, and it all worked out.
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