Confused and needing perspective about my husband
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Confused and needing perspective about my husband
So I just need to know others experience with this issue. Im a recovering alcoholic sober since 10/16/12. My husband has been sober now since April 8th this year. We are separated again. .....I'm now staying somewhere that he can't be and even though he is sober which I am very grateful for there are all these new issues. I would love it if we could just move back in together and be normal but the reality is I have to dig out of a huge financi
al crater (I say I because he isn't working). I also know that need to see him stand on his own for a while before you would feel safe even attempting to get back together. I have no desire to end our marriage and I love him but now he is bouncing from hotel room to hotel room trying to find a place to stay and half way looking for you job. But he keeps telling me that is so good for him compared to what he used to do that I should be happy and praise him. I do encourage him and know that sobriety is not easy but I need him to be my husband and perform that role because that is what we promised each other not just to do things if in telling him good job. I so want a normal life but as I go to bed without him and doubt if I will even hear from him in the morning because he is doing his routine of me not saving him and loving him enough to do differently ect. Which is the same game we played when he was using. I am not ok with being with someone who is content to be homeless and barely work.
My question is does it get better after longer sobriety for someone who has abused drugs for over 20 years or is this what I have to look forward to if I stay with him forever?
Please just share some perspective. ....
al crater (I say I because he isn't working). I also know that need to see him stand on his own for a while before you would feel safe even attempting to get back together. I have no desire to end our marriage and I love him but now he is bouncing from hotel room to hotel room trying to find a place to stay and half way looking for you job. But he keeps telling me that is so good for him compared to what he used to do that I should be happy and praise him. I do encourage him and know that sobriety is not easy but I need him to be my husband and perform that role because that is what we promised each other not just to do things if in telling him good job. I so want a normal life but as I go to bed without him and doubt if I will even hear from him in the morning because he is doing his routine of me not saving him and loving him enough to do differently ect. Which is the same game we played when he was using. I am not ok with being with someone who is content to be homeless and barely work.
My question is does it get better after longer sobriety for someone who has abused drugs for over 20 years or is this what I have to look forward to if I stay with him forever?
Please just share some perspective. ....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
First, congratulations to both of you on your sobriety. He is relatively new at this and may struggle trying to feel normal again but there is support and help for him with this, if he is willing.
Only you can decide what is best for you, and I don't have any easy answers, but I do have prayers and send them out for each of you, that the days ahead become brighter and that your financial struggles become less.
Hugs
Only you can decide what is best for you, and I don't have any easy answers, but I do have prayers and send them out for each of you, that the days ahead become brighter and that your financial struggles become less.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by peacelovesober 
I need him to be my husband and perform that role because that is what we promised each other
He is new to sobriety. Try not to compare were you were at 3 months to where he is at 3 months. We are all different.
He may have made a promise that, to him, he is still keeping by remaining sober, but to you, that meant so much more. It sounds like you are an different pages and that is okay as long as you can communicate that fact.
IMO, don't expect anything. Expectations are just premeditated resentments waiting to happen.
I know you said you agreed to certain things and maybe it is time to sit back down at the table and discuss them again with compromise and realistic terms.
I know ,for me, I have to keep myself for seeing the potential. I have to see where he is now and stay in that moment. Not where I want him to be, not where I can see him someday, but now. It is very hard to do at times and honestly there are times I think he is farther then he is but he does not think so. In that case I have to back off my observations and let it be.
We all get there in our own time. If all he had right now is being sober, then he is sober.
If the financial situation is on the top of the list then you may have to make that the only thing on your side of the table that you need from him. Let all the other things you wish take second place.
There is no crystal ball to predict the future and I have asked myself many times "what is normal?", I don't know. What is normal for you is not going to be normal for another. You have to make your own life and decide what you are happy with.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi, congratulations on your sobriety, and it's great that your husband has followed your example. He's been sober for 3 months which isn't long, so there may be a danger of him relapsing. What would that mean to your marriage?
Apart from the alcohol, does he have much experience of living a normal life of going to work, paying the bills, saving up for a house etc? Does he know how to live that life?
I agree with Gracie that it would be a constructive step to sit down with him, and without blame or going back over the past, discuss what you both want from your marriage. Do you share dreams and goals? Have a plan to get out of debt? An exchange of ideas should give you a fair idea if he's capable or interested in working with you for the life you want.
Apart from the alcohol, does he have much experience of living a normal life of going to work, paying the bills, saving up for a house etc? Does he know how to live that life?
I agree with Gracie that it would be a constructive step to sit down with him, and without blame or going back over the past, discuss what you both want from your marriage. Do you share dreams and goals? Have a plan to get out of debt? An exchange of ideas should give you a fair idea if he's capable or interested in working with you for the life you want.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 25
Sending prayers your way! Hang in there?
Where is he on the spiritual front? I ask because I have discovered that my drive to be productive in life and be a good husband to my wife, father to my kids comes from my relationship with God. I find my purpose in him.
Where is he on the spiritual front? I ask because I have discovered that my drive to be productive in life and be a good husband to my wife, father to my kids comes from my relationship with God. I find my purpose in him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Thanks for the response from all of you. Really I know that the only thing I can do is focus on my own recovery and prayer.
To address some of the questions that y'all asked no he has not been the "responsible" party for things like paying bills or providing a place for us to stay in our entire marriage. He relapsed shortly after out marriage and has been in a cycle of using ever since. For a while I believed the story that he wasn't using ect but then I relapsed and we spent about four years doing the insanity cycle and thinking how good life would be if the other person would change. For the bulk of the last five years I've done it all. Worked providing a home and car ect. At first it was circumstances but then it was just part of the routine and his drug use prevented him from having a job or normal responsibilities. But it's just become too much and I couldn't hold it all together anymore so we had to separate. He is now on the streets and I know it's hard to stay sober but he has to or its his life.
As far as spiritual matters go I know there are times when he won't pray and I know he has a lot of head knowledge but applying that to life's ups and downs seems nearly impossible. I believe that God allowed me to have an awakening after my accident in 2012 and recovery is something I want. I don't know exactly how to explain it but my husband doesn't seem to have the desire for it the same way.
As for the suggestion of sitting down and discussing our goals that is almost impossible. I want to pay bills and have money as a tool to shape life and be able to have a home again. He on the other hand says that is is too much to talk about those kinds of issues and that it just overwhelms him. I try and keep things simple but life isn't always simple and I get overwhelmed being the one who carries most of the load.
I do love him so much I'm just wishing I had a more equal partner. Im exhausted and I'm scared that the person I am holding on to is no longer there and that holding on is just another codependent behavior creeping its way in .
The prayers are more than appreciated and I don't know the answers it just helps to have a place to vent so thanks.
To address some of the questions that y'all asked no he has not been the "responsible" party for things like paying bills or providing a place for us to stay in our entire marriage. He relapsed shortly after out marriage and has been in a cycle of using ever since. For a while I believed the story that he wasn't using ect but then I relapsed and we spent about four years doing the insanity cycle and thinking how good life would be if the other person would change. For the bulk of the last five years I've done it all. Worked providing a home and car ect. At first it was circumstances but then it was just part of the routine and his drug use prevented him from having a job or normal responsibilities. But it's just become too much and I couldn't hold it all together anymore so we had to separate. He is now on the streets and I know it's hard to stay sober but he has to or its his life.
As far as spiritual matters go I know there are times when he won't pray and I know he has a lot of head knowledge but applying that to life's ups and downs seems nearly impossible. I believe that God allowed me to have an awakening after my accident in 2012 and recovery is something I want. I don't know exactly how to explain it but my husband doesn't seem to have the desire for it the same way.
As for the suggestion of sitting down and discussing our goals that is almost impossible. I want to pay bills and have money as a tool to shape life and be able to have a home again. He on the other hand says that is is too much to talk about those kinds of issues and that it just overwhelms him. I try and keep things simple but life isn't always simple and I get overwhelmed being the one who carries most of the load.
I do love him so much I'm just wishing I had a more equal partner. Im exhausted and I'm scared that the person I am holding on to is no longer there and that holding on is just another codependent behavior creeping its way in .
The prayers are more than appreciated and I don't know the answers it just helps to have a place to vent so thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Did he ever really work and contribute? I would look there, because there are some men that just don’t hold jobs. Why I have no idea it seems so alien to me … But he may not ever be able to be the man you need him to be.
There is really no way of ever knowing what is up. If the drugs damaged, hell if this was always who he was … and the later I more lean too. There are men who work to a fault … my husband always did, to the tune of a bundle or two of heroin a day, he still didn’t miss work. That is him. Was always him, clean or using, even in wd he went to work … I see it as a line of sickness and one of being healthy as well. The sickness was the lies he told himself, of if I work each day I am ok. In a more healthy way it was that he knew he had a responsibility to more than just the drugs he used. I have long since given up trying to understand him, because it is more important to understand me. And I would bet you need to understand yourself as well. Your sobriety and a chance at a most wonderful life will demand that.
I more than understand needing to find ones way, but in the real world that doesn’t always tend to fly. He is a grown man, time to suck it up and move on with life and set personal goals. A job should be top priority with his recovery and he should be able to have these conversations as they are important ones if he is looking to save the marriage. It is just to easy to use this is all overwhelming as an excuse. And you know what in the real world people don’t get praised for doing the right thing and saving their own asses … that is what you are suppose to do.
And yes please watch the fix. Codependency works really well to fill a void…
You keep taking good care of yourself. You seem to have a handle on what you need to do for you. He will in time show his own truth.
There is really no way of ever knowing what is up. If the drugs damaged, hell if this was always who he was … and the later I more lean too. There are men who work to a fault … my husband always did, to the tune of a bundle or two of heroin a day, he still didn’t miss work. That is him. Was always him, clean or using, even in wd he went to work … I see it as a line of sickness and one of being healthy as well. The sickness was the lies he told himself, of if I work each day I am ok. In a more healthy way it was that he knew he had a responsibility to more than just the drugs he used. I have long since given up trying to understand him, because it is more important to understand me. And I would bet you need to understand yourself as well. Your sobriety and a chance at a most wonderful life will demand that.
I more than understand needing to find ones way, but in the real world that doesn’t always tend to fly. He is a grown man, time to suck it up and move on with life and set personal goals. A job should be top priority with his recovery and he should be able to have these conversations as they are important ones if he is looking to save the marriage. It is just to easy to use this is all overwhelming as an excuse. And you know what in the real world people don’t get praised for doing the right thing and saving their own asses … that is what you are suppose to do.
And yes please watch the fix. Codependency works really well to fill a void…
You keep taking good care of yourself. You seem to have a handle on what you need to do for you. He will in time show his own truth.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
insightingsilence you post really resonates with me. From what I gather this has been a pattern with regard to work for pretty much forever. When I married him he was working and at a good job for about 8 months. He was laid off and I bought the routine of I'm a convicted felon so I can't find a job. I now understand that although it does make things harder it is entirely possible to get and hold a job as a felon.
I suppose moral of this story is that while I have dealt a lot with my issues with alcohol I have not with codependency so I guess diving in to the alanon forum is in order. I know that I am a serious enabler and fixer and right now that is in overtime because things are so beyond my control.
I am leaving it in God's hands. ....they are far more capable than mine.
I suppose moral of this story is that while I have dealt a lot with my issues with alcohol I have not with codependency so I guess diving in to the alanon forum is in order. I know that I am a serious enabler and fixer and right now that is in overtime because things are so beyond my control.
I am leaving it in God's hands. ....they are far more capable than mine.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
It isn’t that things are beyond your control, in terms of him … just that they aren’t your things to have control over. You know? In terms of you, you are very much in control of how you wish your life to be, don't forget that.
Yeah codependency is a sneaky bitch too. It tends to be a must to work on yourself from that side as well, especially since you have been living with an addict for all these years. You may find a lot of answer there that will help your recovery as a whole from both sides. I know I did. It was just to easy to go back to what I knew when that heroin walked in clinging to his heels. So driven by fear and anxiety and even pissed cause wtf I knew that look of high on his face … and how to find it for myself. It really was so easy to pick that first drink up again stuck in all the sick thinking. And I so entitled to it. Ugh, what madness.
Addiction is addiction whether we get addicted to drugs or people … quality of life suffers greatly.
You will be ok, as long as you keep seeking out your own answers and what you need and want from this life. We only get one ride, so don’t miss anything!
Take care.
Yeah codependency is a sneaky bitch too. It tends to be a must to work on yourself from that side as well, especially since you have been living with an addict for all these years. You may find a lot of answer there that will help your recovery as a whole from both sides. I know I did. It was just to easy to go back to what I knew when that heroin walked in clinging to his heels. So driven by fear and anxiety and even pissed cause wtf I knew that look of high on his face … and how to find it for myself. It really was so easy to pick that first drink up again stuck in all the sick thinking. And I so entitled to it. Ugh, what madness.
Addiction is addiction whether we get addicted to drugs or people … quality of life suffers greatly.
You will be ok, as long as you keep seeking out your own answers and what you need and want from this life. We only get one ride, so don’t miss anything!
Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
incitingsilence......you said it. Things are not beyond my control just not mine to control. When I read that I felt so free somehow. The codependent insanity has snuck in and I barely noticed. Thanks for the words. I don't drive down the freeway and get upset because I can't control all the cars so why do I feel so much like I have to try and control a grown man. Besidesits a sad thing if this is how my control and fixing end up.
I want to have peace and serenity in life, time to enjoy nature and my dog's, and a vacation that is not about being scared of not having enough money or what is going to go wrong. Those are just a few but a great start.
Thanks everyone for allowing me to vent and the kind and supportive encouragement
I want to have peace and serenity in life, time to enjoy nature and my dog's, and a vacation that is not about being scared of not having enough money or what is going to go wrong. Those are just a few but a great start.
Thanks everyone for allowing me to vent and the kind and supportive encouragement
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Ugh. So my husband showed up at my job today and it threw me into a tailspin. I was pretty mean and said some awful stuff. there is really not an excuse for it so im making an amend here since I have no way to contact him. I have to work on controlling my reaction to situations like that because I get very upset and tend to say way to much.
I'm sincerely sorry for what I said. I drove off and he looked so broken but I just kept driving. Nothing I can do now but pray for his safety tonight and know that he is in God's hands.
I'm sincerely sorry for what I said. I drove off and he looked so broken but I just kept driving. Nothing I can do now but pray for his safety tonight and know that he is in God's hands.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Showing up to your workplace is threatening your livelihood.
I would be furious if this happened to me.
Professional settings are just that, and it can have very negative consequences
Please don't beat yourself up for getting angry.
Realize that he doesn't seem to have an understanding about "making a living" and you do.
I think there are deeper value issues here than even the addiction.
Are you willing to support this person for the rest of their life?
Is it worth it? If he "can't" discuss this with you, I think you are getting a kind of answer right there about where he stands in terms of material support and contribution.
I'm sorry you got so upset, but I do get it.
I would be furious if this happened to me.
Professional settings are just that, and it can have very negative consequences
Please don't beat yourself up for getting angry.
Realize that he doesn't seem to have an understanding about "making a living" and you do.
I think there are deeper value issues here than even the addiction.
Are you willing to support this person for the rest of their life?
Is it worth it? If he "can't" discuss this with you, I think you are getting a kind of answer right there about where he stands in terms of material support and contribution.
I'm sorry you got so upset, but I do get it.
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