barefoottoday

Is it even possible to have a healthy relationship with an addict? Despite all the damage done during a relapse, from both sides?

zoso77

Is it possible? Sure. But it's a function of the health and personalities of both parties.

What do you really want to know?

Txhelp

An addict in recovery or active addiction?

An addict in true recovery-probably. As Zoso said...it's dependent upon personalities. I know sober folks that aren't healthy.

In active addiction-no.

barefoottoday

Ugg. This relapse nightmare has been going on for 2 months now. Few days sober here, a few days using there...I've taken steps, slowly, but at least I'm moving I guess. Out of the joint bank account. Tried to get out of shared phone plan but I would have to pay off whole phone now which I can't, though in trying to do so Sprint messed up all kinds of stuff so maybe that can get worked out. Took keys to van. Yes, financial obligations have been met to this point but with how things are going, I don't see that lasting much longer. That whole van thing is still a mess. I still don't know what I think about it, what is "the right thing" to do. I just know I worked too hard to build good credit to possibly have it get wrecked or traded or who knows what and be on the hook for the debt without the possibility of at least selling it to pay it off. Yeah, maybe I also hope that consequences will help move him in the right direction. But it aint like he needs a vehicle to get drugs. He met the dude at the gas station up the street and gave me his broken needle when I got home from work. Great.

Anyways, my point is how do relationships survive this? IF he gets sober sometime soon, cause I won't take this much longer, then what? Maybe I don't have any business even asking this right now, maybe it's pointless.

It really really sucks that this is happening. I've been asking myself why am I even putting up with any of this ********? What does that say about me? Yeah, our relationship was pretty effing awesome before. Great communication. Balanced sharing of household responsibilities. Taking an active role in my son's life. Lots of laughing. Not perfect but damn good. And I want that back. People don't just throw away relationships when they face challenges do they? I guess it's highly personal what choices people make.

I may just be rambling a bit here...maybe I'm not even really asking anything.

Thanks for listening

zoso77

A lot of times they don't. As soon as one party is in active addiction, or abstaining but not in recovery, the relationship functionally ceases to exist. The addict's sole priority is drugs, so there is no room for anything or anyone else.

So, do what is best for you and your son.

hopeful4

I sadly agree with Zoso. I would not be asking "when" anything unless it is about me and I could control it. When dealing with an addict you are mostly dealing with IF, and that is a huge IF. Carry on, get advise from an attorney if you need it, protect yourself, your child, and your assets.

Good Luck and God Bless!

lightseeker

I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

I was married to someone that had a long standing drug addiction, became sober, briefly worked a recovery program, stopped that but remained sober. Until he destroyed the relationship with his anger and abuse. THEN, after I left him, he started using again. The whole process went on about 6 years.

I forgave a whole lot in our relationship. And if he had seriously done "the next right thing" I believe that I was capable of forgiving all of it. Not forgetting it, but forgiving it. I found that I knew - deep down in my gut - whether he was in recovery and if it was real. I quit worrying about whether to trust him and learned that I only needed to trust myself.

I went wrong whenever I trusted our relationship, our love, him. In a relationship with an active addict (even afew days sober is not what I mean.....more like, show me a complete year of sobriety and I might start believing it a little) then it is impossible to have a healthy relationship. The addiction is a jealous mistress. Could you have a healthy relationship with someone that was involved with another woman and telling you lies about it?

I finally figured out that I could not love someone sober and into recovery. It is truly an inside job....I'm sad when I hear how people don't want to give up on a relationship when their partner is in active addiction. You are not giving up on loving them - you are just stepping aside until your partner is willing to do the work to be in a healthy place. I realized that the greatest gift that I could have given my husband was to let him go and allow him to find his own recovery. I would have given up my desire for how I wanted him to be (albeit that it was a noble cause) and allowed him the dignity to chose his own path. And possibly find a recovery that would have maybe lasted if he did it for himself.

At the very least, I recommend that anyone involved with someone with an addictive past should always protect themselves financially. I lost a couple of hundred thousand dollars with my ex. I only wish that I had followed the advice of many people on this site. You can love someone without being on the same credit report. It is not a sign of love to jeopordize your future with someone that potentially can destroy your credit and your financial well being.

The last bit of experience I have to share is that when a child is exposed to someone in active addiction, you are either teaching them how to be a user or how to put up with one. Even though my ex was sober for 6 years, my experience with him taught my boys how to put up with someone treating you like crap. It's been a rough 3 years (which is when I left him) and it has taken a lot of work to remodel that.

I'm glad that you are asking these questions. If it feels overwhelming, just even doing one thing at a time is a great step.

BlueChair

My husband relapsed last year and he's had a lot to go through this year getting to a place where he feels better. I dont think anyone can answer these questions for you because we are all different. I think of my husbands addiction like I would any other kind of medical crisis, and yes its a challenge but I will face it with him because we too have had a great relationship and I just think its what I want and need to do. Some people have completely different feelings and do things different and it works for them I guess. Its all dependent on what makes sense to you, what it takes for you to carry on and keep living in some state of happiness. Its ok to ramble and think, change your mind back and forth and whatever else. I did the same thing trying to find my way.

Lohnes

This is very nicely put! I am in the process of moving on from an ex boyfriend addicted to pot (who treated me well perhaps 50% of the time and not well the other 50%) and whenever I put focus and trusted him or our relationship the pain was just been extended and dragged on.

I needed a few times of repeating this mistake it seems but it's pretty clear now: Listening to him, listening to the love, listening to the part of me who wants to save things just lead to more misery and pain.

barefoottoday - I am sorry you are going through what you're going through. Sending love and strength!

StormyWeather33

BlueChair,
When your husband relapsed, did he tell you? Or did he do all the usual lying, hiding, manipulating, etc? The reason I ask, is my boyfriend of 5 yrs relapsed and put me through hell before I figured it out and then finally was able to cut off contact. After no contact for almost 2 years he came back in to my life. He said he had almost a year sober and we began to talk and develop a relationship again. He had moved 1,000 miles away during our no contact time.

He has done a great job putting his life back together (he had lost everything and everyone). I waited 3 months before going to see him because I was trying to be cautious. Over the last 3 months I've gone to see him twice, and he came to see me once - about a month ago.

About two weeks ago he started acting angry, impatient and confrontational - NOT the way he usually treats me. When I called him on it and asked what was going on, he texted me (not called) and said he feels like I'm accusing him of using and has cut off all contact with me since.

Well now I DO think he's using again because what else would cause that over-the-top reaction? But...I'm digressing... I feel, as you do, that his addiction is a medical condition that I would face with him, but I can't if he's going to lie about it and cut me out. I was a classic enabler, and have learned a lot about addiction and my co-dependency. I am okay with walking away for my own sanity, but I honestly don't know 100% that he relapsed. My gut says he did, so I'll have to rely on that.

So that is my long way of asking when your husband relapsed, did he tell you? Or did you have to figure it out? Did you have to walk away, etc?

Thanks so much for sharing!

BlueChair

No he didnt tell me and I didnt know for months what was going on. He didnt start acting all crazy and mean like a lot of people here describe. maybe because he was I guess what they call "functional" and went to work everyday, did the normal things. All I knew at first was he acted strange, he was more distant, was working a lot, and working when he was home too. I had seen him get like that before when drugs were not involved and I thought it would pass once whatever he was doing at work was over. But then one day he didnt come home after work, all night, and when he did make it back he looked horrible, was in tears, and told me he had been with a friend using, shooting up. He told me it was done and he wasnt going to use again. I didnt know enough at the time and I believed he would do as he said. He just couldnt do it. But he acted better and I think he did quit for a little bit, then he went missing again but didnt come home. It took family, friends, a PI, missing persons report to track him down and get him the help he needed. I never left him but his parents told me I would have to threaten to if he refused treatment. Luckily it didnt come to that.

barefoottoday

I really appreciate you all telling your stories, it helps! Im sorry any of us have gone/are going thru it. This is truly nasty stuff. Somehow I have finally come to a place where, although I will be really sad, I'm ok if this ends. And if it doesn't end, there are some things that will probably need to change (besides the whole using part, ha!). Living together is probably not the best idea right now, for example. I don't know how it happened but I suddenly feel like this is about me, what am I comfortable with, etc, instead of like everything I do is a reaction to what he is doing.

I don't know if it helped that he was finally open about it, honest. I think it did. Whatever it was, I am so grateful to be in this head space!

I'm going to be ok!!!

hopeful4

Bravo that you feel this is about you. You have a life in front of you. Being with an addict is hard work, and you are not married to this man. Please keep that focus on you. Listen to what your gut tells you. If things seem off, ** % likely they are.

I hope you keep coming back, we are here with you!

EmJaye

I can only speak from my story. I refuse to live in active addiction any longer. Luckily, my husband is in recovery. His drug use was kept secret for several years, and came to a head last summer. It has been a rough year and he did relapse last October. I told him then that if he chose to use again after that relapse, that I was out. Our daughter is growing up and I do not want her around that behavior.

We are both in programs. I truly believe that without Al Anon, we would be in a state of chaos, even in his recovery. I have learned to accept him (but NOT unacceptable behavior), let go of things, and not dwell on what ifs. If I didn't have Al Anon, I would be so fearful ALL the time.

I still have moments of panic, but they are getting farther apart. It helps that he is invested in his program and starting to sponsor guys.

Good luck to you!