Is this Normal?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 24
Is this Normal?
Unfortunately I'm not able to pick myself up and out of the crappy mood that I'm in, so I'm going to skip the formalities and get straight to my question.
My AH came home from the VA, yesterday after attending his usual outpatient classes and picking up his weekly prescription. He was high of course, doing the usual, "Oh, I Love you so much!". "You're so gorgeous!". "I wanna make sweet love to you, down by the fire..." And continued on with his groping and fondling and compliments and grandiose ideas, plans, etc... But there was another side to him, this time, that was not only irritating, but embarrassing and down right mean, actually. So he's doing all the things he's always doing when he gets high and I've seen this bow for 5 years, so I know what it looks like, sounds like, feels like. I'm standing there watching him nod out in the middle of conversations, I'm listening to the slow speech and the weird sound of his voice, like he's talking from the back of his throat, the way his eyes droop, his nose picking, ear picking, it's all there.
Typically when asked how many pills he has taken, he'll go into elaborate detail of how many he took(lately the number's only been skewed by 10, maybe 15 or 20. He used to be off by 50 or so, before his weekly Scripts.) this time though, he just said 4. That was his story and he was sticking to it. I said ok and just accepted that he was lying, trying not to argue the point, at that time. He on the other hand, spent the entire day, irritated and adamant that HE was NOT high and that I was the one with the problem for "assuming" that he was. If I nudged him to wake up, he got upset. When I picked up his puppy, because he was falling asleep while he should've been watching her, he got upset. We went out to dinner withhold of his friends. He continually put me down in front of his buddie and became very bossy, treating me as though I were his child, and not his wife, but in between being an ass-hole, continued on with how pretty I am and how badly he wanted to do me. He kept telling me how tired he was and that was why he looked like he was high. He told me that he hadn't slept the night prior, even though we slept together in the same bed that night and I knew he slept just fine. He was just, plain-NASTY! He even tried to figure out my password and username on this site, saying that if I thought he was high today(last night) that he's sure that I'm fabricating stories, here on this site and he wanted to set the record straight. He went through my text messages, my previous calls, voice mails, even my notes, on my phone, looking for, I don't even KNOW what. He has become childish, doing the very opposite of what I suggest, even if it puts himself, myself, and last night in particular, our new puppies safety in danger(i.e. Swerving all over the road and driving with eyes closed after I offered to drive. Falling asleep with the puppy on the couch[she's 2 lbs soaking wet and 16 weeks old]after I put her in her crate for the evening). I asked his friend if he would go outside with my AH, last night, to keep an eye on the puppy, because I was busy and I couldn't go out. He became very upset about that, looking at me as though I were delusional(he's actuallytold me I was delusional, lately) and added, once again, that HE WAS NOT HIGH!!! Now I knew he was high, his friend knew he was high, but no one wanted to argue the point.
I wake him up this morning for rehab. The puppy's on the arm of the couch(Thank God she's alright, I think to myself). He's telling me that he just got her out of her crate and took her outside 20 minutes ago. I pick her up and love on her, then set her on the floor. She runs straight over to the carpet and takes a big o'l steamy creamy(well, a little one, she's a baby chiahuahua). "So you took her out 20 minutes ago?" I ask.
"I NEVER set her down on the floor!" he rebutes!
"Really!?!" By this point I've given up on trying to debate facts that I know to be true, but that he either refuses to admit, or actually believes himself to be telling the truth, when reality says otherwise. This behavior didn't start, last night, but it has become markedly worse.
WHY is it getting worse? Over the weekend, things were REALLY BAD. He went from calling me dellusional, to telling me that my hearing is off and I NEVER hear what he tells me(especially when he's lied and slipped up and lied again). He continues to blame me for things that I didn't do, trying to one up me in the blame -game.... And the worst thing of all, telling me that every memory that I have of his wrong doings, from a year ago, to 6 months ago, to 2 days ago, has either been taken out of context or he can find a way to prove that I'm "mentally challenged" and my memory is off and incorrect. So now, I can't hear, I'm delusional, I have dementia, and oh ya! I forgot to mention that I go off my meds ALL THE TIME(I'm bi-polar)so I'm not capable of ever finishing school, working, having friends, having a LIFE of my own, outside the confines of this lovely home that he provides for me and my children. He tells me that he has an "ideal wife"; a picture in his mind of what he wants his wife(ME) to be. That picture doesn't include, me working outside of the home, me, bringing other people into our lives that might cause trouble, me, going to school, to get the job, etc...etc...this has all come on, just recently. He wants me to be grateful to him for being "the provider", but he also wants to accuse me AND my children of just using him for his money. You can't have it both ways.
I've tried to walk away, but right now, I would have to run, very, very far, to get a break from his recent attitude. Is this something he's learning from rehab? He has accused me of being afraid of him getting better, lately, and acting out, myself. This is not only UNTRUE, but insulting, as well. I don't want to keep picking up his messes, literally and figuratively! I'm so tired! I enjoy the few days a week that I get with him when he's running low on meds and he's what I would consider to be sober. I just want this outpatient rehab to work, but just when I think he's made a breakthrough, made some friends, there at the program, going out more with his buddies instead of barricading himself, like he had been doing, he's turning into a real *****!...and he's still getting high! Is there anything that I can do? Is this just a phase? Maybe there's something that they are talking about in his classes? Is this normal? Please help?
I know that some of this info is a repeat of my weekend posts and I do apologize for that. I CAN'T LEAVE! I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO!! my caseworker at the VA told me that we shouldn't do the marriage counseling, yet! She doesn't think that he's ready. He's 6 weeks into this program and I don't know if he'll EVER be ready. I'm at an utter loss and I'm beginning to feel all if the work that I've done, recently, for myself, by reaching out on this site, and beginning to stand my ground with him, protect myself and my kids...I feel that strength slipping away, now!
My AH came home from the VA, yesterday after attending his usual outpatient classes and picking up his weekly prescription. He was high of course, doing the usual, "Oh, I Love you so much!". "You're so gorgeous!". "I wanna make sweet love to you, down by the fire..." And continued on with his groping and fondling and compliments and grandiose ideas, plans, etc... But there was another side to him, this time, that was not only irritating, but embarrassing and down right mean, actually. So he's doing all the things he's always doing when he gets high and I've seen this bow for 5 years, so I know what it looks like, sounds like, feels like. I'm standing there watching him nod out in the middle of conversations, I'm listening to the slow speech and the weird sound of his voice, like he's talking from the back of his throat, the way his eyes droop, his nose picking, ear picking, it's all there.
Typically when asked how many pills he has taken, he'll go into elaborate detail of how many he took(lately the number's only been skewed by 10, maybe 15 or 20. He used to be off by 50 or so, before his weekly Scripts.) this time though, he just said 4. That was his story and he was sticking to it. I said ok and just accepted that he was lying, trying not to argue the point, at that time. He on the other hand, spent the entire day, irritated and adamant that HE was NOT high and that I was the one with the problem for "assuming" that he was. If I nudged him to wake up, he got upset. When I picked up his puppy, because he was falling asleep while he should've been watching her, he got upset. We went out to dinner withhold of his friends. He continually put me down in front of his buddie and became very bossy, treating me as though I were his child, and not his wife, but in between being an ass-hole, continued on with how pretty I am and how badly he wanted to do me. He kept telling me how tired he was and that was why he looked like he was high. He told me that he hadn't slept the night prior, even though we slept together in the same bed that night and I knew he slept just fine. He was just, plain-NASTY! He even tried to figure out my password and username on this site, saying that if I thought he was high today(last night) that he's sure that I'm fabricating stories, here on this site and he wanted to set the record straight. He went through my text messages, my previous calls, voice mails, even my notes, on my phone, looking for, I don't even KNOW what. He has become childish, doing the very opposite of what I suggest, even if it puts himself, myself, and last night in particular, our new puppies safety in danger(i.e. Swerving all over the road and driving with eyes closed after I offered to drive. Falling asleep with the puppy on the couch[she's 2 lbs soaking wet and 16 weeks old]after I put her in her crate for the evening). I asked his friend if he would go outside with my AH, last night, to keep an eye on the puppy, because I was busy and I couldn't go out. He became very upset about that, looking at me as though I were delusional(he's actuallytold me I was delusional, lately) and added, once again, that HE WAS NOT HIGH!!! Now I knew he was high, his friend knew he was high, but no one wanted to argue the point.
I wake him up this morning for rehab. The puppy's on the arm of the couch(Thank God she's alright, I think to myself). He's telling me that he just got her out of her crate and took her outside 20 minutes ago. I pick her up and love on her, then set her on the floor. She runs straight over to the carpet and takes a big o'l steamy creamy(well, a little one, she's a baby chiahuahua). "So you took her out 20 minutes ago?" I ask.
"I NEVER set her down on the floor!" he rebutes!
"Really!?!" By this point I've given up on trying to debate facts that I know to be true, but that he either refuses to admit, or actually believes himself to be telling the truth, when reality says otherwise. This behavior didn't start, last night, but it has become markedly worse.
WHY is it getting worse? Over the weekend, things were REALLY BAD. He went from calling me dellusional, to telling me that my hearing is off and I NEVER hear what he tells me(especially when he's lied and slipped up and lied again). He continues to blame me for things that I didn't do, trying to one up me in the blame -game.... And the worst thing of all, telling me that every memory that I have of his wrong doings, from a year ago, to 6 months ago, to 2 days ago, has either been taken out of context or he can find a way to prove that I'm "mentally challenged" and my memory is off and incorrect. So now, I can't hear, I'm delusional, I have dementia, and oh ya! I forgot to mention that I go off my meds ALL THE TIME(I'm bi-polar)so I'm not capable of ever finishing school, working, having friends, having a LIFE of my own, outside the confines of this lovely home that he provides for me and my children. He tells me that he has an "ideal wife"; a picture in his mind of what he wants his wife(ME) to be. That picture doesn't include, me working outside of the home, me, bringing other people into our lives that might cause trouble, me, going to school, to get the job, etc...etc...this has all come on, just recently. He wants me to be grateful to him for being "the provider", but he also wants to accuse me AND my children of just using him for his money. You can't have it both ways.
I've tried to walk away, but right now, I would have to run, very, very far, to get a break from his recent attitude. Is this something he's learning from rehab? He has accused me of being afraid of him getting better, lately, and acting out, myself. This is not only UNTRUE, but insulting, as well. I don't want to keep picking up his messes, literally and figuratively! I'm so tired! I enjoy the few days a week that I get with him when he's running low on meds and he's what I would consider to be sober. I just want this outpatient rehab to work, but just when I think he's made a breakthrough, made some friends, there at the program, going out more with his buddies instead of barricading himself, like he had been doing, he's turning into a real *****!...and he's still getting high! Is there anything that I can do? Is this just a phase? Maybe there's something that they are talking about in his classes? Is this normal? Please help?
I know that some of this info is a repeat of my weekend posts and I do apologize for that. I CAN'T LEAVE! I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO!! my caseworker at the VA told me that we shouldn't do the marriage counseling, yet! She doesn't think that he's ready. He's 6 weeks into this program and I don't know if he'll EVER be ready. I'm at an utter loss and I'm beginning to feel all if the work that I've done, recently, for myself, by reaching out on this site, and beginning to stand my ground with him, protect myself and my kids...I feel that strength slipping away, now!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,415
If he's using, he isn't working the program.
He is BSing you big time.
Does his program / counselor know he's still taking pills?
The rehab cannot and will not work if he continues to use.
Better start a Plan B if you haven't already, I'm sorry to say
He is BSing you big time.
Does his program / counselor know he's still taking pills?
The rehab cannot and will not work if he continues to use.
Better start a Plan B if you haven't already, I'm sorry to say
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
He is blame shifting and gaslighting you. It is enough to drive anyone batty. It will weaken you and I don't know about you but I have bipolar also and I am told that I must avoid stress.
sounds to me like you have been doing amazingly well.
You know your truth and as my therapist says: you are the expert on your own life.
So, can you just translate everything he says into QUACK, QUACK, QUACK and imagine a talking duck?
while you are working on your future so splendidly well can you begin to stash some funds?
I think you will feel much better if you can do this since you cannot leave now.
((((hugs))))
T
sounds to me like you have been doing amazingly well.
You know your truth and as my therapist says: you are the expert on your own life.
So, can you just translate everything he says into QUACK, QUACK, QUACK and imagine a talking duck?
while you are working on your future so splendidly well can you begin to stash some funds?
I think you will feel much better if you can do this since you cannot leave now.
((((hugs))))
T
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Is this something he's learning from rehab?
Your story is heart breaking, for you and for your children and quite frankly, for that poor dog.
To remain living in a home filled with toxic behaviour will eventually make you sick and also your children...and probably the dog.
You have choices even though it may not feel like it right now. If you have family near you, perhaps they would support you and your children while you look for a job and then you can take courses, on line or at night, while working in the daytime. Many have done that and found that it wasn't near as hard as living in an environment such as yours.
If you call a women's shelter near you, they too may offer you some options and help with moving forward with your life. You don't have to go to the shelter to avail yourself of their assistance.
Staying in an abusive relations such as yours...and even if there is no physical abuse, there is most certainly mental abuse and control...will end badly for you and your children. You don't have to tolerate that, there is nothing in it for you. Dreaming of how you wish it would be is an illusion and not likely to happen as long as he continues to use.
I hope you find comfort and strength here, to do what you need to do.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Viera,FL
Posts: 40
Quiet, my AH says the same things, "I'm making things up, I didn't hear him, I don't know what I'm talking about, I never fall asleep driving" and on and on....that is what addicts do. No accountability or responsibility. I ALSO hear that "he provides a beautiful home for me". Now, I don't KNOW but I THINK that is what he does to make himself feel better, give him a sense of accomplishment or "manhood" so to speak. The truth is , if it wasn't for me shucking and jiving any dollars that come into the house, paying certain amounts to certain places at the right time, (while stressing about it all) WE wouldn't have the house or the car or anything else. See what you can do about making yourself feel worthy of better, you are reaching out and that is awesome. I have been too and it helps so much. God Bless
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
No, he is not learning this from treatment. This sounds like classic addiction IMO. All of the projecting and blame shifting gets really hard to handle. My AH has gotten really good at avoiding any conversations about his addicition. Its almost like he circles around it like a wagon train. I have to tell him "No, that is not what we are talking about, answer my question!". So even tho he has gotten good a avoiding, I have gotten better at countering it. And the blame shifting...oh! I hate it. It is always my fault. Everything he does is my fault. EVERYTHING. It is amazing what they can turn around on you and make you feel bat s**t crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Oh my, this sounds so miserable for you, and the children and the poor puppy too.
I have no good advice, none that you might be ready for anyway.
Just ask yourself how long you think you can live this way. And be sure to tell your counselor how bad things are at home.
If he can leave, perhaps he should, until he gets control of his addiction. Living this way is too hard for anyone.
Codependent No More, is a wonderful book. It might help you to clear your mind of the crazy stuff he is 'quacking'.
keep posting. we care!
I have no good advice, none that you might be ready for anyway.
Just ask yourself how long you think you can live this way. And be sure to tell your counselor how bad things are at home.
If he can leave, perhaps he should, until he gets control of his addiction. Living this way is too hard for anyone.
Codependent No More, is a wonderful book. It might help you to clear your mind of the crazy stuff he is 'quacking'.
keep posting. we care!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
You CAN leave and you DO have places to go. It's just a matter of you being ready to take action. That sounds like a horrible way to live. He is treating you like garbage and you are letting him. He sounds like he is in this pretty deep, don't sink with him.
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