Need encouragement and reasons to stay away
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 14
Need encouragement and reasons to stay away
Hi,
My ex has been smoking weed for 23 years and was displaying behaviours that were detrimental to our relationship. These behaviours included a lot of irritability, really immature ways of dealing with any conflict or disagreements (no matter how small), resentment which I felt often was directed at me for no reason, inability to prioritise the relationship plus quite a few other things.
Since splitting I've asked my ex not to contact me. He has ended things in the past as it's been his way it seems of 'punishing' me for expressing my needs which he seem to always confuse with me critiquing him, no matter how I've communicated. I want out of the viscous circle, but I'm also in a lot of emotional pain right now so would like to hear from other people with experience with addicted partners. My ex is contacting me and as much as I don't want to go back I find it hard to ignore him.
FYI I was never bugging him to stop. Things ended fairly soon after I started to make my own conclusions about his behaviour and how it related to his behaviour.
Tell me about the emotional lives of addicts! Tell me about living with them. I know it's pot in this case, he is definitely functioning. He is a beautiful person but seems definitely like two personalities which I've put down to the drugs.
What is your own experience?
My ex has been smoking weed for 23 years and was displaying behaviours that were detrimental to our relationship. These behaviours included a lot of irritability, really immature ways of dealing with any conflict or disagreements (no matter how small), resentment which I felt often was directed at me for no reason, inability to prioritise the relationship plus quite a few other things.
Since splitting I've asked my ex not to contact me. He has ended things in the past as it's been his way it seems of 'punishing' me for expressing my needs which he seem to always confuse with me critiquing him, no matter how I've communicated. I want out of the viscous circle, but I'm also in a lot of emotional pain right now so would like to hear from other people with experience with addicted partners. My ex is contacting me and as much as I don't want to go back I find it hard to ignore him.
FYI I was never bugging him to stop. Things ended fairly soon after I started to make my own conclusions about his behaviour and how it related to his behaviour.
Tell me about the emotional lives of addicts! Tell me about living with them. I know it's pot in this case, he is definitely functioning. He is a beautiful person but seems definitely like two personalities which I've put down to the drugs.
What is your own experience?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If he has been smoking weed for 23 years, it is unlikely his "real" personality can be seen under the veil of addiction.
You are wise to walk away, it's a long and painful journey to ride along with them when they are unwilling to change.
Hugs
You are wise to walk away, it's a long and painful journey to ride along with them when they are unwilling to change.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 35
My ex's DOC wasn't pot, but he used it, and boy. Living with him was a prison.
On the trivial side, everything smelled of it, all the time. He ticked all the boxes of the cliches: unmotivated, unambitious. He'd lie down in bed all day playing videogames and waiting to be fed, and if you asked him to do something - even the smallest thing - he'd wait hours to do it, and if he did it at all, it'd be a half-ass job.
Additionally, he was hugely crabby. Random snapping at me for anything - how I spoke, how I dressed, any and all of my little habits (for example, I do this thing where before I go out, I check my purse for my keys, wallet and phone and I say it out loud as I find each one in there). Even sometimes when I was affectionate, like cuddling him, I'd get snipped at because he was busy or sleeping or wanted to watch tv. He would call me a moron in front of people (once, in front of his mother), for little things, like liking the music I liked or reading the books I read, and constantly talked down to me (and I am a lot smarter than he is. Not saying that arrogantly, but it is true.)
He was dumb with conflict. If I got upset, it'd be tears and apologies and puppy eyes and the minute he sensed my anger was dissapating, it'd be right back to the same BS. If we ever tried to get in a real conversation about it, it'd be dodging and back and forth. No matter what I'd done, it was the wrong thing. If I'd had a bad day and was sad and went to him for comfort, he'd say he was sorry but he was busy and in adult life you just have to suck things up sometimes (which never, ever, ever applied to him, of course) and if I didn't tell him and got on with my business, but was less responsive, he'd get irritated and say I was a terrible communicator and expected him to read my mind and how was he supposed to be a good boyfriend if I didn't let him. So many examples like this.
The money was an issue. We're both lucky in that we're grad students, currently being supported by our parents (by the way, to any parents out there, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all you do for us kids - we're grateful even if we don't show it), but I have significantly less than he does to splash around. Yet he expected us to split things 50/50, and most of his money went to drugs so he'd always say he was broke, when he gets three or four times as much money as I do per month.
There's reasons I stayed, but now that I'm out of it, not a single one was good enough for all the nonsense I had to put up with. You're better off, and you will be much healthier and happier (and have so much more TIME, you're going to be amazed), once the painful initial separation bit starts to fade. I missed him awfully for the first two days we broke up and then on the third day, I kind of got out of bed and realized - my life is indisputably better. I'm really happy. Someone replied to my breakup thread saying, "Doing the right thing is hard, but the payoff is priceless."
They're so right.
Hugs and love. You're really strong for walking away, and it's the right thing.
On the trivial side, everything smelled of it, all the time. He ticked all the boxes of the cliches: unmotivated, unambitious. He'd lie down in bed all day playing videogames and waiting to be fed, and if you asked him to do something - even the smallest thing - he'd wait hours to do it, and if he did it at all, it'd be a half-ass job.
Additionally, he was hugely crabby. Random snapping at me for anything - how I spoke, how I dressed, any and all of my little habits (for example, I do this thing where before I go out, I check my purse for my keys, wallet and phone and I say it out loud as I find each one in there). Even sometimes when I was affectionate, like cuddling him, I'd get snipped at because he was busy or sleeping or wanted to watch tv. He would call me a moron in front of people (once, in front of his mother), for little things, like liking the music I liked or reading the books I read, and constantly talked down to me (and I am a lot smarter than he is. Not saying that arrogantly, but it is true.)
He was dumb with conflict. If I got upset, it'd be tears and apologies and puppy eyes and the minute he sensed my anger was dissapating, it'd be right back to the same BS. If we ever tried to get in a real conversation about it, it'd be dodging and back and forth. No matter what I'd done, it was the wrong thing. If I'd had a bad day and was sad and went to him for comfort, he'd say he was sorry but he was busy and in adult life you just have to suck things up sometimes (which never, ever, ever applied to him, of course) and if I didn't tell him and got on with my business, but was less responsive, he'd get irritated and say I was a terrible communicator and expected him to read my mind and how was he supposed to be a good boyfriend if I didn't let him. So many examples like this.
The money was an issue. We're both lucky in that we're grad students, currently being supported by our parents (by the way, to any parents out there, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all you do for us kids - we're grateful even if we don't show it), but I have significantly less than he does to splash around. Yet he expected us to split things 50/50, and most of his money went to drugs so he'd always say he was broke, when he gets three or four times as much money as I do per month.
There's reasons I stayed, but now that I'm out of it, not a single one was good enough for all the nonsense I had to put up with. You're better off, and you will be much healthier and happier (and have so much more TIME, you're going to be amazed), once the painful initial separation bit starts to fade. I missed him awfully for the first two days we broke up and then on the third day, I kind of got out of bed and realized - my life is indisputably better. I'm really happy. Someone replied to my breakup thread saying, "Doing the right thing is hard, but the payoff is priceless."
They're so right.
Hugs and love. You're really strong for walking away, and it's the right thing.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Oh, man...the stories I can share on this subject...
If you want out, and you really, really, really want out:
- block him on email
- block him on all social media
- change your phone number
Problem solved.
If you want out, and you really, really, really want out:
- block him on email
- block him on all social media
- change your phone number
Problem solved.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 14
Hey, Thanks everyone I appreciate you taking your time to reply to me.
Scheherazade, I read your earlier post of your own experience and we seem to have gone through a very similar thing. I especially recognise the part where you wrote how you tried everything: Be straight and honest vs be warm and cut him more slack, be yourself vs trying to be someone else, be nice vs give tough love. This is what I felt I did too and ultimately how I eventually came to realize it's not in my hands.
Some thoughts that puzzle me are that many relationships seem to work perfectly fine with heavy pot smokers and alcoholics. I have a childhood friend who's bf smokes all day every day. There are fights when he doesn't have access to any, but she has accepted he needs it. I know of several other people in similar relationships. I know we can never compare like that, but do some people simply require less from their partners? The behaviour of my friend's bf is similar to my ex in many ways, yet she has learned to accept him as he is. She seems happy and content. I can never imagine this, what makes what we require in relationships so different?
My ex contacted me, but I feel strong enough not to go back I just dip sometimes into incredible sadness and that 'hope' part of grief seems to visit me now and then. I know it's an illusion.
Scheherazade, I read your earlier post of your own experience and we seem to have gone through a very similar thing. I especially recognise the part where you wrote how you tried everything: Be straight and honest vs be warm and cut him more slack, be yourself vs trying to be someone else, be nice vs give tough love. This is what I felt I did too and ultimately how I eventually came to realize it's not in my hands.
Some thoughts that puzzle me are that many relationships seem to work perfectly fine with heavy pot smokers and alcoholics. I have a childhood friend who's bf smokes all day every day. There are fights when he doesn't have access to any, but she has accepted he needs it. I know of several other people in similar relationships. I know we can never compare like that, but do some people simply require less from their partners? The behaviour of my friend's bf is similar to my ex in many ways, yet she has learned to accept him as he is. She seems happy and content. I can never imagine this, what makes what we require in relationships so different?
My ex contacted me, but I feel strong enough not to go back I just dip sometimes into incredible sadness and that 'hope' part of grief seems to visit me now and then. I know it's an illusion.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Why do some stay and some go?
Why do women stay with people who beat them? Who cheat?
Low self esteem? Maybe fear of the unknown. Maybe they have children and think (erroneously) that they can't make it financially? Habit? Bonding hormones? All of the above? Google Stockholm Syndrome.
Why do women stay with people who beat them? Who cheat?
Low self esteem? Maybe fear of the unknown. Maybe they have children and think (erroneously) that they can't make it financially? Habit? Bonding hormones? All of the above? Google Stockholm Syndrome.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Lohnes 
Some thoughts that puzzle me are that many relationships seem to work perfectly fine with heavy pot smokers and alcoholics. I have a childhood friend who's bf smokes all day every day. There are fights when he doesn't have access to any, but she has accepted he needs it. I know of several other people in similar relationships. I know we can never compare like that, but do some people simply require less from their partners? The behaviour of my friend's bf is similar to my ex in many ways, yet she has learned to accept him as he is. She seems happy and content. I can never imagine this, what makes what we require in relationships so different?
My ex contacted me, but I feel strong enough not to go back I just dip sometimes into incredible sadness and that 'hope' part of grief seems to visit me now and then. I know it's an illusion.
The incredible sadness and hope is, pardon my french, a bitch. I'm painfully familiar with it. At its worst, I thought of my ex-relationship as my drug, and all the pain I was feeling, I'd sit down and let myself feel it and tell myself it was my body's version of withdrawal. That if I just let it happen, grit my teeth and let myself get used to life without him, eventually my emotions would recalibrate and let me lead a healthy life. It seems to be working wonders.
As for the other bit, a couple of my friends have had relationships with drug addicts of various kinds. From what I can tell and our conversations, some stay because of blinding love, some stay because they think it's a phase, some stay because they're more afraid of being alone, some stay because they're users themselves....there's many different reasons. I don't know that I'd consider many of them to be healthy or good reasons, but that's not at all my decision to make.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by scheherazade
The incredible sadness and hope is, pardon my french, a bitch. I'm painfully familiar with it. At its worst, I thought of my ex-relationship as my drug, and all the pain I was feeling, I'd sit down and let myself feel it and tell myself it was my body's version of withdrawal. That if I just let it happen, grit my teeth and let myself get used to life without him, eventually my emotions would recalibrate and let me lead a healthy life. It seems to be working wonders.
I hope me comparing my relationship with an addiction isn't offending anyone, but man! When you're in the depression, sorrow and excruciating pain that is the aftermath then for someone who doesn't abuse drugs or alcohol, the experience must come as close as anything can.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Lohnes
I hope me comparing my relationship with an addiction isn't offending anyone, but man! When you're in the depression, sorrow and excruciating pain that is the aftermath then for someone who doesn't abuse drugs or alcohol, the experience must come as close as anything can.
You're clearly a really strong person - you'll get through this. Keep us in the loop as to how things are going!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boise, id
Posts: 33
Hello, and I'm sorry ur struggling with something that many of us unfortently also have to.endure.
My ex-bf (father of my kids) is addicted to meth. We have had a hard battle. And everytime like u said, I would try to express my opinons, or just mentaien how I felt he'd take it offensive, like I was talking.bad on him or something. Where many of my feelings had to do.with him, I was talking about how I felt. Then amazingly enough he'd ask me from time to time. How come u don't express urself, well how the hell am I suppose to without offending u in some way.
Point being we all choose to stay.or leave based on how we can "stand" to live our lifes. I was happy and content at times with my ex but I also had a lot of unhappiness and fustrations in things he did or didn't do.
Its up to the person the way they want to live, although with many its a lot of hope that keepa them there. Maybe one day hell change, or they ratiinalize for there mate. Oh he didn't mean it. He loves me. In the end its what maters for u and is best for u.
I've only recently left my exbf addict and we have 3 kida together. I've finally excpeted I can't change him, and its safer for my kids to be away from an addict. I will let him see them but first time high hell be getting drug tested.
I just wish u the best. I think it'll hurt for a while but soon u won't feel as much or the pain and you'll feel some relief. At least for me that's what I'm hoping for, and many on here say its possiable.
My ex-bf (father of my kids) is addicted to meth. We have had a hard battle. And everytime like u said, I would try to express my opinons, or just mentaien how I felt he'd take it offensive, like I was talking.bad on him or something. Where many of my feelings had to do.with him, I was talking about how I felt. Then amazingly enough he'd ask me from time to time. How come u don't express urself, well how the hell am I suppose to without offending u in some way.
Point being we all choose to stay.or leave based on how we can "stand" to live our lifes. I was happy and content at times with my ex but I also had a lot of unhappiness and fustrations in things he did or didn't do.
Its up to the person the way they want to live, although with many its a lot of hope that keepa them there. Maybe one day hell change, or they ratiinalize for there mate. Oh he didn't mean it. He loves me. In the end its what maters for u and is best for u.
I've only recently left my exbf addict and we have 3 kida together. I've finally excpeted I can't change him, and its safer for my kids to be away from an addict. I will let him see them but first time high hell be getting drug tested.
I just wish u the best. I think it'll hurt for a while but soon u won't feel as much or the pain and you'll feel some relief. At least for me that's what I'm hoping for, and many on here say its possiable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by scheherazade
Speaking personally, I'm not offedned at all, haha. Its such a survivor attitude you have. Color me impressed.
You're clearly a really strong person - you'll get through this. Keep us in the loop as to how things are going!
You're clearly a really strong person - you'll get through this. Keep us in the loop as to how things are going!
My mind is strong, but I'm battling my emotional self daily 
I think most of 'us' are. Reading and writing on this forum as well as some books I've ordered helps me a lot.baby3times I am really sorry to hear about what you are having to go through. Once children are involved things must be so much more complicated and difficult. I hope you feel a little bit better if not each day then each week as you work towards re-building your life for yourself and your kids. We left!!! We should celebrate!
No? 
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Viera,FL
Posts: 40
This is what I have started to do whenever I think I should have given him another chance or, should have just "learned to live with him the way he is".... because the thoughts do go through your mind. After years of a relationship it is hard to not have them.
Am I the most important thing to him? NOPE
Would he be there ...anywhere...if I really needed him no matter what it took to get there? NOPE, HAS PROVED THAT TIME AND TIME AGAIN
Does he make sure our home is financially stable before spending money on other things?NOPE, HIS NEEDS COME FIRST, ALTHOUGH HE'LL TELL EVERYONE THAT HIS FAMILY DOES
Do I feel comfortable having people over or going out with him if I think he may not have his drugs,? (because if he doesn't, of course, he is a moody bast**d!) NOPE, WALKING ON EGGSHELLS ALL THE TIME
This isn't a life, it is more like a sentence. We can determine how long we want our sentence to be...I for one, want to be done with mine. I want peace, and laughter and joy again-totally impossible for any length of time with an addict. Today, he was "good" tonight may be a TOTALLY different story...who the he** wants to live like that? I wish you good luck and God Bless, it's a hard road but worth it!
Am I the most important thing to him? NOPE
Would he be there ...anywhere...if I really needed him no matter what it took to get there? NOPE, HAS PROVED THAT TIME AND TIME AGAIN
Does he make sure our home is financially stable before spending money on other things?NOPE, HIS NEEDS COME FIRST, ALTHOUGH HE'LL TELL EVERYONE THAT HIS FAMILY DOES
Do I feel comfortable having people over or going out with him if I think he may not have his drugs,? (because if he doesn't, of course, he is a moody bast**d!) NOPE, WALKING ON EGGSHELLS ALL THE TIME
This isn't a life, it is more like a sentence. We can determine how long we want our sentence to be...I for one, want to be done with mine. I want peace, and laughter and joy again-totally impossible for any length of time with an addict. Today, he was "good" tonight may be a TOTALLY different story...who the he** wants to live like that? I wish you good luck and God Bless, it's a hard road but worth it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 30
It's sometimes daunting and upsetting to think about cutting someone you love and care about out of your life for good. In moments of weakness it has really helped me lately to think about it like this instead:
Instead of saying "i will walk away and not talk to him anymore" just say, "I will not talk to him today." One step at a time.
Instead of saying "i will walk away and not talk to him anymore" just say, "I will not talk to him today." One step at a time.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
It's sometimes daunting and upsetting to think about cutting someone you love and care about out of your life for good.
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