Ann

Bookmaven posted this recently on another thread, but I wanted to bring it to a thread of its own because I realize that even after years of recovery, I find there are some things on this list that require more work on my part.

CoDA was my home group for many many years until we moved but my heart is still grateful for all I learned there and carry in my mind today.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I perceive myself as superior to others.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

Compliance Patterns:

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns:

I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
I demand that my needs be met by others.
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns:

I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.

The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website Welcome: CoDA Home Page (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.

Ann

I find I have issues still in the self-esteem and compliance areas.

I lack confidence in my own abilities and thoughts sometimes, even though I know in my heart that I am capable and have learned much on my journey...which takes me to the compliance problem. I end up being a people pleaser sometimes when I really am not so pleased myself. Compromise is good in any relationship, but it should be more give and take and less setting my own needs aside in order to attend to the needs of someone else.

I have learned to stand in my own truth, even when I stand alone, but it still hurts sometimes to not feel the same support from others as I give them.

Nobody ever said this would be easy and experience has taught me that I am a much better person for having made the journey.

I am going to make a point over the next few days to read this over and over and then apply what I know about recovery to setting myself back on a better track.

Recovery is a process, a way of life, not a destination or a course we complete to graduate to a better life. It's a good plan for living that applies to all areas of our lives and when followed, helps us to maintain our balance and enjoy life to the fullest, as life was intended to be lived.

Just some thoughts on a quiet summer Sunday morning.

Hugs

Understand

Thanks ann for posting this. I had just asked someone on another thread to explain codependency to me so this was perfect timing.
There's a lot there to re read I think some things might need to sit with me for a while before I can admit them or indeed recognise them.
Thanks again

Ann

Yes, it is quite a list and I find that as I stop to ponder each item on it and think about how it applies to me or my life, I either check it as a yes or no...funny how there isn't much "sometimes" or "it depends" in there.

And where I need work, it helps me to write on it and think of specific situations and how I could have handled them better, even in my own heart and mind. My list is to help me and not blame anyone else for my own shortcomings.

Sometimes it is emotional to take on a task such as this, and often I need to break it into pieces so I can regain my balance before I tackle the next part. But it is always worth while, for me, to take quiet time to ponder and decide what I can do for myself to make my life happier...my happiness begins with me and I have been blessed to learn much over the years from those who went before me.

Hugs

bookmaven

I am still amazed at how easily I slip back into my biggest problem patterns when I'm not paying attention.

Thanks Ann for starting this thread.

I have checked yes for at least one item in every category, so I'm still working on it all.

I'm the worst about getting angry or offended when other people don't take my advice, whether they asked for it or not. We admitted we were powerless over others, that they can take my advice and shove it if that is what they want to do.

Understand

Book maven that's great one in each I have4 or 5 in each and almost all in the compliance, glad to see these traits in writing horrified to see them in me

Ann

Compliance is my toughest category too, I'm pretty balanced in all the other categories. These three are the toughest.

It's not so much that I do these things anymore, or at least not often, it is that it is so very difficult to NOT do them. These three come so naturally to me that it is very hard to accept how I feel when I don't do them...if that makes sense. These three have always been a work in progress for me, even though I know how important it is to address each one.

bookmaven

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.

This one was huge for me. I was afraid of hurting the feelings of my "friends" when I got sober even though those people were dangerous to my recovery. I relapsed. Almost cost me my freedom and my life.

This time I blocked those people on my phone and on my Facebook. I'm at 90 days clean and sober today!

Needabreak

I read this and realize that I have come a long way. Years ago, if I had been honest, I would have had to answer "yes" to almost every characteristic listed. Of course, in those days, I would have been outraged if anyone said that I had issues!

Over the past few years I've really had to look at myself and my codependent traits, and have had to overcome them to find my own happiness, and to stop focusing on others. The areas where I had the most difficulty were with "Denial Patterns" (I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling / I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel were BIG ones) and with "Compliance Patterns."

I've come a long way. I am very clear with myself and others about how I feel about things today, for example. But "I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations" is one that still hits home. I used to consider loyalty a huge virtue. At 51 I now see that being overly loyal to friends and to employers is what has held me back in life more than any other attribute I have. And to let up on loyalty still leaves me feeling guilty. But what is loyalty? Is it healthy? Is it a form of control? Is it a denial of responsibility to oneself?

Thanks to whoever originally posted this list -- some good food for thought.