I have nothing left in me
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
I have nothing left in me
I have no good thing left
No energy
No motivation
No concern for anything or anyone
No hurt over being invisible
No tears
No laughter
No anger
No affection
I am empty and poured out because addicts continually make withdrawals from a person's psyche and give nothing back.
So that is what I have, nothings.
No energy
No motivation
No concern for anything or anyone
No hurt over being invisible
No tears
No laughter
No anger
No affection
I am empty and poured out because addicts continually make withdrawals from a person's psyche and give nothing back.
So that is what I have, nothings.
Last edited by Firefall; 06-27-2014 at 11:37 AM. Reason: typo
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I am empty and poured out because addicts continually make withdrawals from a person's psyche and give nothing back.
People only take from us when we let them take from us. Perhaps it's time you give yourself permission to say "no".
But, yeah, I can relate to the no motiviation part. Funny thing, though...the deal I cut with myself was no matter how bad I felt, I was going to make my bed. Silly, huh? I would wake up and get ready for work (not that I wanted to go to work), and no matter what my mood was, I would make my bed.
These days, with no addict around to make unauthorized withdrawals, I have to decide what I'm going to do after work. These days, I go to the gym after work. Come home, make dinner...and then what? Do I go to the driving range to practice? Or do I play guitar and work on things I've never done before? This week, it's been play guitar. But tomorrow and Sunday, I'll be playing golf.
In other words...when you're spent, it's up to you to fill yourself up. No one will do that for you. You need to step up and take responsibility for your own health and happiness.
F**k, if I did it, anyone can...
God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi...
Was gonna post as one of my go-to songs on another thread, but haven't yet. It's a different sound than usual, but listen to these lyrics. It reminds me that I can be in a dark, dark place, but nobody else can rescue me (and I can't wait for them to)-- I have it in me somewhere to do it, but I have to throw myself that life preserver.
My favorite lines?
"That girl is you yeah and that girl is me,
that girl is stronger than the raging sea."
and
"Can't you tell she's walking on air?"
We've all got it in us...just need to keep digging and trying. You'll get there. Every time I start sinking again, I play this and think- I can't wait till I hear this and smile someday because it IS me. I WILL be walking on air someday... if she can do it, I can too. Envision what you want and take baby steps, a few forward, and some back. Every little bit matters.
Hugs to you tonight, don't forget to love yourself.
Song is called Rescue by Yuna
She thinks she’s all alone
and all her hopes are gone
and so I wrote this song
so she can move along.
Things were bad.
She was in despair.
Things were bad and you were never there,
but things were bad, she came up for air.
She said a little prayer, she found herself.
Yeah she’s got light in her face,
she don’t need no rescuing she’s okay.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing she’s okay
No S.O.S. needed,
no rescuing, she’s fine out there. [2x]
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
She looks into the sky
and all her tears are dry
she kissed her fears goodbye.
She’s gonna be alright.
Things were bad.
It was beyond repair.
She was scared, she couldn’t handle it.
Things were bad, but now she’s glad.
Can’t you tell that she’s walking on air?
Yeah, she’s got light in her face,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
No S.O.S. needed,
no rescuing, she’s fine out there. [2x]
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
That girl is you yeah and that girl is me,
that girl is stronger than the raging sea.
That girl is you yeah and that girl is me,
that girl is stronger than the raging sea.
Yeah, she’s got light in her face,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing she’s okay.
No S.O.S. needed,
no rescuing, she’s fine out there. [2x]
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
Was gonna post as one of my go-to songs on another thread, but haven't yet. It's a different sound than usual, but listen to these lyrics. It reminds me that I can be in a dark, dark place, but nobody else can rescue me (and I can't wait for them to)-- I have it in me somewhere to do it, but I have to throw myself that life preserver.
My favorite lines?
"That girl is you yeah and that girl is me,
that girl is stronger than the raging sea."
and
"Can't you tell she's walking on air?"
We've all got it in us...just need to keep digging and trying. You'll get there. Every time I start sinking again, I play this and think- I can't wait till I hear this and smile someday because it IS me. I WILL be walking on air someday... if she can do it, I can too. Envision what you want and take baby steps, a few forward, and some back. Every little bit matters.
Hugs to you tonight, don't forget to love yourself.
Song is called Rescue by Yuna
She thinks she’s all alone
and all her hopes are gone
and so I wrote this song
so she can move along.
Things were bad.
She was in despair.
Things were bad and you were never there,
but things were bad, she came up for air.
She said a little prayer, she found herself.
Yeah she’s got light in her face,
she don’t need no rescuing she’s okay.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing she’s okay
No S.O.S. needed,
no rescuing, she’s fine out there. [2x]
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
She looks into the sky
and all her tears are dry
she kissed her fears goodbye.
She’s gonna be alright.
Things were bad.
It was beyond repair.
She was scared, she couldn’t handle it.
Things were bad, but now she’s glad.
Can’t you tell that she’s walking on air?
Yeah, she’s got light in her face,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
No S.O.S. needed,
no rescuing, she’s fine out there. [2x]
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
That girl is you yeah and that girl is me,
that girl is stronger than the raging sea.
That girl is you yeah and that girl is me,
that girl is stronger than the raging sea.
Yeah, she’s got light in her face,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing she’s okay.
No S.O.S. needed,
no rescuing, she’s fine out there. [2x]
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins,
she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Actually, they can. Even when I put them at a distance. An example
a drunk driver racing around the corner lost control of his car hit the tree in my front yard, hit my car so hard it was turned sideways in the driveway and shoved through my garage door.
My car had been paid off for 4 years, $2k spent on engine rebuild the week before (because a sevice guy put in wrong coolant), car was like new and then totalled. I had to replace it at a cost of 4k and never recouped the the 2k on the engine. Even after insurance, I was out $6k
Things other people do has an impact, saying it doesn't - does nothing.
The alternative is what? Is it screw you? I don't think so, but no solutions.
I have been Pollyanna my whole life ... but am losing my faith
a drunk driver racing around the corner lost control of his car hit the tree in my front yard, hit my car so hard it was turned sideways in the driveway and shoved through my garage door.
My car had been paid off for 4 years, $2k spent on engine rebuild the week before (because a sevice guy put in wrong coolant), car was like new and then totalled. I had to replace it at a cost of 4k and never recouped the the 2k on the engine. Even after insurance, I was out $6k
Things other people do has an impact, saying it doesn't - does nothing.
The alternative is what? Is it screw you? I don't think so, but no solutions.
I have been Pollyanna my whole life ... but am losing my faith
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Getting your car smashed in the driveway is bad luck...
(Something EVERYONE in life has their fair share of)
ALLOWING an addict to rob us of the things we hold most dear?
THAT is a choice.
Give me 10 wrecked cars or an addict in my life?
(BREAK OUT THE TOOLBOX!!! HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!!!!)
(Something EVERYONE in life has their fair share of)
ALLOWING an addict to rob us of the things we hold most dear?
THAT is a choice.
Give me 10 wrecked cars or an addict in my life?
(BREAK OUT THE TOOLBOX!!! HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!!!!)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 42
are the people zapping your energy people you can distance yourself from?
there are always people who will happily bleed you dry....you just have to keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for their behaviour and give that back to them to deal with..don't take it on.
as far as the accident, that's all it was...wasn't personal.. just inconvenient and annoying.
keep talking, hopefully SR community will be able to help you find a way
there are always people who will happily bleed you dry....you just have to keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for their behaviour and give that back to them to deal with..don't take it on.
as far as the accident, that's all it was...wasn't personal.. just inconvenient and annoying.
keep talking, hopefully SR community will be able to help you find a way
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Last month, I was driving to my favorite dinner when a dog leapt in front of my car from my left. I didn't see her, but I knew I hit her; I looked in my rearview mirror and she was spinning around on her hip, yelping.
Stopped the car, got out, and the owner rushed his dog, freaking out. She bit him, and then his daughter was screaming to take her to the vet. He gently picked her up and put her in his truck. I asked if there was anything I could do.
He paused, and admitted he was out of work and didn't know if he could afford the vet bill. I told him I'd be by tomorrow to speak with him. So he takes off, and I'm in the driveway with his daughter.
Now...I have a miserable poker face. When I'm upset, I show it. I love dogs, and I felt for the guy for being out of work with a family to support. And the daughter was telling me it wasn't my fault. And, of course, it wasn't, but it didn't make me feel any better. I turned around and saw her younger sister, bawling her eyes out. So I got my wallet out and gave the older sister $185 toward the vet bill and told her I'd be back tomorrow.
Of course, I couldn't wait until then. So I went back to the house later, fully expecting to learn the dog had to be put down and expecting the worst out of the owner.
It turns out the dog's pelvis was broken but she was going to be OK. And the owner (and his wife) couldn't have been more graceful. He shook my hand 3 times, and his wife kept touching my shoulder, both grateful that I actually gave a sh*t and wanted to help them during a difficult time.
I don't know how I kept my sh*t together. I got back in my car and immediately thanked God for the dog being safe.
In any event, Firefall, I'm sorry about your car. But like me hitting a dog, these things happen. It could have been worse; you could have been in the car when it was hit. Or he could have driven into your house. Sh*t happens sometimes. And when it does, the question is how do we respond? During my crisis, the only thing I could do was face it head on. What are you going to do?
Random events aren't like addicts or people with character disorders who undercut our stability with their behavior.
So, like I said above ^^^^^^^ you can "close their account". Or you can keep it open, be passive, and allow people to mess with you. You have a choice.
Enjoy a gorgeous summer day. Time to hit the driving range...fore!!!...
Stopped the car, got out, and the owner rushed his dog, freaking out. She bit him, and then his daughter was screaming to take her to the vet. He gently picked her up and put her in his truck. I asked if there was anything I could do.
He paused, and admitted he was out of work and didn't know if he could afford the vet bill. I told him I'd be by tomorrow to speak with him. So he takes off, and I'm in the driveway with his daughter.
Now...I have a miserable poker face. When I'm upset, I show it. I love dogs, and I felt for the guy for being out of work with a family to support. And the daughter was telling me it wasn't my fault. And, of course, it wasn't, but it didn't make me feel any better. I turned around and saw her younger sister, bawling her eyes out. So I got my wallet out and gave the older sister $185 toward the vet bill and told her I'd be back tomorrow.
Of course, I couldn't wait until then. So I went back to the house later, fully expecting to learn the dog had to be put down and expecting the worst out of the owner.
It turns out the dog's pelvis was broken but she was going to be OK. And the owner (and his wife) couldn't have been more graceful. He shook my hand 3 times, and his wife kept touching my shoulder, both grateful that I actually gave a sh*t and wanted to help them during a difficult time.
I don't know how I kept my sh*t together. I got back in my car and immediately thanked God for the dog being safe.
In any event, Firefall, I'm sorry about your car. But like me hitting a dog, these things happen. It could have been worse; you could have been in the car when it was hit. Or he could have driven into your house. Sh*t happens sometimes. And when it does, the question is how do we respond? During my crisis, the only thing I could do was face it head on. What are you going to do?
Random events aren't like addicts or people with character disorders who undercut our stability with their behavior.
So, like I said above ^^^^^^^ you can "close their account". Or you can keep it open, be passive, and allow people to mess with you. You have a choice.
Enjoy a gorgeous summer day. Time to hit the driving range...fore!!!...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Well, when I felt like that I realized I was depressed. Called my MD for an appt, and set up counseling, and started meds. Then I re-started Al Anon once the meds kicked in.
I had previously been OK with running but I got numb to even the running high.
It feels awful to pull yourself out of the muck, but YOU are worth it.
I had previously been OK with running but I got numb to even the running high.
It feels awful to pull yourself out of the muck, but YOU are worth it.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Thank you all. I am usually a lot more positive, like many others my life has been a challenge. A challenge which I have met with courage and general success. Now I am old, tired and ill. Even that would be ok. Just feel like I am heading into a perfect storm.
My husband of 46 years is terminally ill. With my RA-sis and her granddaughter living with us for 5.5 years we are also now in debt, they do contribute to some cash flow, so kicking them out will mean my husband and I will loose everything and be homeless.
It just seems soooo wrong, we have helped so many people over the years, but now that we are in need, there is no help. People say things like Let Go and Let God, One day at a time, Things will get better... I have held on to those things, but nothing changes. All that might be bearable, if there wasn't the b.s. of addiction my favorite is "I'm working my program", then there is "addicts and alcoholics are loaners", "they have trust issues", yada yada".
Geez, who died and made them the sainted victims?
I have been overcoming the craziness of others way to long and can't find my way to freedom this time. My life feels like, "no good deed goes unpunished".
BTW - this is the first time in my life I have been honest and full out with what I battle, each day. So feel free to give me your two cents. I am not looking for pity, but for wisdom, not for slogans, but for words that reach through the pain and turn the light on in the darkness. Thanks for letting me share.
My husband of 46 years is terminally ill. With my RA-sis and her granddaughter living with us for 5.5 years we are also now in debt, they do contribute to some cash flow, so kicking them out will mean my husband and I will loose everything and be homeless.
It just seems soooo wrong, we have helped so many people over the years, but now that we are in need, there is no help. People say things like Let Go and Let God, One day at a time, Things will get better... I have held on to those things, but nothing changes. All that might be bearable, if there wasn't the b.s. of addiction my favorite is "I'm working my program", then there is "addicts and alcoholics are loaners", "they have trust issues", yada yada".
Geez, who died and made them the sainted victims?
I have been overcoming the craziness of others way to long and can't find my way to freedom this time. My life feels like, "no good deed goes unpunished".
BTW - this is the first time in my life I have been honest and full out with what I battle, each day. So feel free to give me your two cents. I am not looking for pity, but for wisdom, not for slogans, but for words that reach through the pain and turn the light on in the darkness. Thanks for letting me share.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Live thank you for your advice, have been to doc, he says my living situation is too stressful, I can take pills or I can deal with it. I don't take pills that cover pain, that thought is terrifying to me.
What the problem is, my soul is worn out. I hope I haven't given up. I don't know. For the first time in my life I am saying... Don't you lie to me!....and my life is my life, and HEAR ME!!!.....I know that I matter, why don't you?
Rambling
What the problem is, my soul is worn out. I hope I haven't given up. I don't know. For the first time in my life I am saying... Don't you lie to me!....and my life is my life, and HEAR ME!!!.....I know that I matter, why don't you?
Rambling
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
What you are going through is hard, Firefall. I don't wonder that you feel like giving up.
Antidepressants can help a lot. There are new kinds that do not cause a lot of side effects. they don't always numb you to life.
I am sorry things are so hard for you. I can't imagine.
Antidepressants can help a lot. There are new kinds that do not cause a lot of side effects. they don't always numb you to life.
I am sorry things are so hard for you. I can't imagine.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
I appreciate the med advice, but it will not happen. I have high allergies to so much it is just not worth it.
The short form of clouds gathering beginning 2007
Got, pneumonia and the flu, wound up in hospital with anaphylaxis, came home diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease, got laid off, Service dog died, suffered permanent brain damage from heat stroke while on contract gotta state, permanently disabled, husband nearly died of heart attack, went into renal failure, diagnosed with lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and gout. Hmmm that's the easy stuff.
I was a systems engineer for 30 years, trained a new service dog, overcame pts after assault at work.... didn't use meds then and I can't now. I guess I am feeling time is running out and I need to live the joy before that and I am the only sober one in a long line... I need wisdom....
The short form of clouds gathering beginning 2007
Got, pneumonia and the flu, wound up in hospital with anaphylaxis, came home diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease, got laid off, Service dog died, suffered permanent brain damage from heat stroke while on contract gotta state, permanently disabled, husband nearly died of heart attack, went into renal failure, diagnosed with lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and gout. Hmmm that's the easy stuff.
I was a systems engineer for 30 years, trained a new service dog, overcame pts after assault at work.... didn't use meds then and I can't now. I guess I am feeling time is running out and I need to live the joy before that and I am the only sober one in a long line... I need wisdom....
Last edited by Firefall; 06-29-2014 at 12:33 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Firefall,
What you are going through is extremely difficult. We have all been through it and
that is why we come here. And no, we don't come here for slogans or to sing Kumbaya
to one another----no magic pills or smooth/slick commercialized platitudes.
It hurts. Bad. I'd love to tell you it builds character to face obstacles like these but
the truth is it doesn't.....it just wears you down.
Sometimes, it helps to just pour it out....."You stupid f-ing idiot, I threw down $10K
so that you would have a 1% chance of not plummeting through the floor of the middle
class but all you did was accelerate your deadly trajectory......I've kept the wolf from
your door long enough----and it is time for YOU to feel the fear when you look into his
eyes and realize he's not after PART of your existence////HE WANTS IT ALL!".
You wrote >>>>>[[[[[my life is my life, and HEAR ME!!!.....I know that I matter]]]]]
.......THAT is the wisdom you seek, and it didn't come from me.
But leave out the last part>>>>>>[[[[[why don't you]]]]].
Certain airplanes have what is called a 'master jettison' switch/button.
It enables the person flying to instantly dump all their external stores in order to lose weight and
thereby increase performance. Actuating it can be a career-ender, because although
some of the stuff is cheap (fuel tanks).....some of it is VERY, VERY expensive. It is
not a 'fun' switch......but rather a "push this or you are 'gonna die" switch.
You have given up enough of your soul to others.
YOU are in need now.
" ......when you see the things you've given your life to....broken....then stoop
down to build 'em up with worn out tools..." (author unknown)
Pushing the button sucks.
Hitting the mountain sucks more.
What you are going through is extremely difficult. We have all been through it and
that is why we come here. And no, we don't come here for slogans or to sing Kumbaya
to one another----no magic pills or smooth/slick commercialized platitudes.
It hurts. Bad. I'd love to tell you it builds character to face obstacles like these but
the truth is it doesn't.....it just wears you down.
Sometimes, it helps to just pour it out....."You stupid f-ing idiot, I threw down $10K
so that you would have a 1% chance of not plummeting through the floor of the middle
class but all you did was accelerate your deadly trajectory......I've kept the wolf from
your door long enough----and it is time for YOU to feel the fear when you look into his
eyes and realize he's not after PART of your existence////HE WANTS IT ALL!".
You wrote >>>>>[[[[[my life is my life, and HEAR ME!!!.....I know that I matter]]]]]
.......THAT is the wisdom you seek, and it didn't come from me.
But leave out the last part>>>>>>[[[[[why don't you]]]]].
Certain airplanes have what is called a 'master jettison' switch/button.
It enables the person flying to instantly dump all their external stores in order to lose weight and
thereby increase performance. Actuating it can be a career-ender, because although
some of the stuff is cheap (fuel tanks).....some of it is VERY, VERY expensive. It is
not a 'fun' switch......but rather a "push this or you are 'gonna die" switch.
You have given up enough of your soul to others.
YOU are in need now.
" ......when you see the things you've given your life to....broken....then stoop
down to build 'em up with worn out tools..." (author unknown)
Pushing the button sucks.
Hitting the mountain sucks more.
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