I have nothing left in me

Old 07-23-2014, 02:29 PM
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I am just checking in. Need to write some things, but have been delaying for some reason.
Have been really busy with the general business of day to day living. And Dr visits they needed to up some meds for my endocrine system... feeling better now.

You are all in my thoughts often throughout my day.
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Old 09-09-2014, 09:08 PM
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Well, here I am... 3 dental appointments (terrified of dentist, but that is another story).
Periodontal infection that sent me to ER. Weeks on one med the two antibiotics I can take.
Managing only one Al Anon meeting a week except for the last 2 weeks.
Pool pump broke, car wouldn't start, microwave broke, husband can't eat, service dog has lupus...jeez ....I am so loaded down who wants to hear that junk? It's not like you all don't have junk you have to deal with, just when did life stop being fun?
I used to know how to have fun in the eye of any storm.
Haven't been on because I haven't had anything to give back.

To my few close buddies, miss you and hope you are well.

Last edited by Firefall; 09-09-2014 at 09:09 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 09-09-2014, 09:29 PM
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I think you probably have a few thousand "close buddies" here on SR, many of nameless, faceless, but here for you anyway.

You can post just because you DON'T have anything to give back. We take turns here, and if you post, you'll be articulating a feeling or problem that someone else has, too. And it helps me, and lots of us, to think about your problem and reach deep into our souls and out of ourselves to offer our wisdom, such as it is, to you.

Hugs,
ShootingStar1
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Old 09-10-2014, 06:14 AM
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Firefall - you are a smart person (as from the little explanation of your accomplishments under your username). So I appreciate the vent. It actually makes me feel more normal. And I am not dealing with active addiction - I am only dealing with life on life's terms.

But as far as you, this too shall pass. This you know.

Thanks. As M. Scott Peck says in the first line of his "The Road Less Travelled" - "Life is difficult." And absolutely yes! People can and do take advantage of us without our consent and with absolutely no warning! How can one possibly be on guard with that kind of thing? Life is damn difficult and not fair. This is my introvert self speaking. You extroverts go "out there" and do your thing with each other - I just want to weave in and out of this day being invisible so I can get energized.
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Old 09-10-2014, 08:15 AM
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Firefall--at the risk of sounding like a star-struck groupie, your post on "trust" on the 2nd page of this thread really spoke to me!

Like you, I am a logical, ordered person. The illogic and disorder of the life of an addict personally offends me! As a wise person told me earlier, I feel the need for others to see the truth that I see--that's dead on. But I have to learn to let go--to learn it doesn't matter--because there's no logic or order in addiction.

Anyway--loved the truth thing. Please keep contributing and know that you're helping a lot of people.
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Old 09-10-2014, 01:00 PM
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Thank you all. As I sit her crying because the kindness is so precious and overwhelming, I know that I will get stronger because there are many caring human beings.
Just need rainbows for a bit to strengthen me. You, here are my rainbows. I need to stop trying to do it alone. Seems to me that might be a little self involved of me. Gads!

Feeling like a small injured child, that will pass.
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Old 09-10-2014, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Sikofit View Post
Firefall--at the risk of sounding like a star-struck groupie, your post on "trust" on the 2nd page of this thread really spoke to me!

Like you, I am a logical, ordered person. The illogic and disorder of the life of an addict personally offends me! As a wise person told me earlier, I feel the need for others to see the truth that I see--that's dead on. But I have to learn to let go--to learn it doesn't matter--because there's no logic or order in addiction.

Anyway--loved the truth thing. Please keep contributing and know that you're helping a lot of people.
I went back a read this thread from the beginning because of Sikofit post.
Remembered why I wanted to keep it all here
My friends came.to my aid
They dispensed wisdom
I learned some things
I don't want to forget the valuable things as I get to really know myself and how to deal with me.

The thing on trust was not me, it was inspiration from "out there", Higher Power
because it speaks to me as if someone else said it.
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Old 09-10-2014, 03:01 PM
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Well the trust thing I wrote, it just feels like someone else did. Must be nuts
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Old 09-10-2014, 03:18 PM
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Good to see you posting, FireFall.

I admit, there are days I don't have a lot to give either, and when I don't, my footprint here is often light. But it's also worth remembering that it's OK to receive support, too. And on the days you can give, you give. No one's keeping score, you know.
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Old 09-10-2014, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Good to see you posting, FireFall.

I admit, there are days I don't have a lot to give either, and when I don't, my footprint here is often light. But it's also worth remembering that it's OK to receive support, too. And on the days you can give, you give. No one's keeping score, you know.
Logically, I know you are correct, but I have figured out that I have a hard judge on me...me!
Can't figure out how to get rid of her
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Old 09-10-2014, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Firefall View Post
Logically, I know you are correct, but I have figured out that I have a hard judge on me...me!
Can't figure out how to get rid of her
PM me soon and we can talk.

Z
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Old 09-11-2014, 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Last month, I was driving to my favorite dinner when a dog leapt in front of my car from my left. I didn't see her, but I knew I hit her; I looked in my rearview mirror and she was spinning around on her hip, yelping.

Stopped the car, got out, and the owner rushed his dog, freaking out. She bit him, and then his daughter was screaming to take her to the vet. He gently picked her up and put her in his truck. I asked if there was anything I could do.

He paused, and admitted he was out of work and didn't know if he could afford the vet bill. I told him I'd be by tomorrow to speak with him. So he takes off, and I'm in the driveway with his daughter.

Now...I have a miserable poker face. When I'm upset, I show it. I love dogs, and I felt for the guy for being out of work with a family to support. And the daughter was telling me it wasn't my fault. And, of course, it wasn't, but it didn't make me feel any better. I turned around and saw her younger sister, bawling her eyes out. So I got my wallet out and gave the older sister $185 toward the vet bill and told her I'd be back tomorrow.

Of course, I couldn't wait until then. So I went back to the house later, fully expecting to learn the dog had to be put down and expecting the worst out of the owner.

It turns out the dog's pelvis was broken but she was going to be OK. And the owner (and his wife) couldn't have been more graceful. He shook my hand 3 times, and his wife kept touching my shoulder, both grateful that I actually gave a sh*t and wanted to help them during a difficult time.

I don't know how I kept my sh*t together. I got back in my car and immediately thanked God for the dog being safe.

In any event, Firefall, I'm sorry about your car. But like me hitting a dog, these things happen. It could have been worse; you could have been in the car when it was hit. Or he could have driven into your house. Sh*t happens sometimes. And when it does, the question is how do we respond? During my crisis, the only thing I could do was face it head on. What are you going to do?

Random events aren't like addicts or people with character disorders who undercut our stability with their behavior.

So, like I said above ^^^^^^^ you can "close their account". Or you can keep it open, be passive, and allow people to mess with you. You have a choice.

Enjoy a gorgeous summer day. Time to hit the driving range...fore!!!...
Feels good to be righteous
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Old 09-20-2014, 07:38 PM
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I don't feel righteous, I feel lost.. not quite broken, thank God. It is stormy and scared, but even fear beings to fade with the absolute fatigue of dealing with junk.
I believe I will find my way back to the joy of life and being able to depend on my being consistent again, but til then it is a roller coaster ride.
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Old 09-20-2014, 10:19 PM
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Roller coaster rides end.
(Every one of them)

Be patient & keep you eyes on the prize: normalcy.
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Old 09-20-2014, 10:31 PM
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Firefall, I just caught up with your newer posts. Sorry so much has gone wrong at once, as it tends to do. Hope the dog's treatment is working.

Any progress on the AS? And how is your grandniece doing?
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Old 09-26-2014, 07:51 PM
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I guess I must have heard Vale stopping to smell the roses in the Autumn air, that day I posted this to Facebook

So grateful for my pupper, Maxie. He will be 7 February 2015. He has been with me since he was 10 weeks old.
We went through puppy training, obedience, CGC training, service training and certifications together.
He is always by my side, loves the motorized carts when I need them, tells me when I need to go home, tells me secrets to calm my nerves, keeps people in lines from getting too close, finds my car, wallet or phone, picks the best bananas out at the store. He always has his eyes focused on me, is always looking for ways to serve.....I pray every day for his good health.
He was a rescue from a hoarder! He was ill, almost lost him the first 6 months of his life, hospitals, medicines, high alert. He overcame a lot. Who would have thought this (now huge) little coonhound would become such a proficient, respectful and loving service dog? My best friend. All he asks for is to be by my side.

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Old 09-26-2014, 07:59 PM
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FeelingGreat, thanks for stopping by. I appreciate every morsel I receive here.
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Old 09-26-2014, 08:10 PM
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Well, trying to figure out why their is so much "I" in my communications with everyone.
Part of me says "get over yourself", " there are plenty of people out there with bigger loads".
Then this side of me that I am not familiar with says "help!", "hide", "run".

So it is hard to reach out to help or ask for help. Reaching out to help was always easy, but feel as if my emptiness is useless. Reaching out for help is something I have never been comfortable with. STUCK!! Feeling not very nice, bad wolf!

October 25 is coming up, when grandniece will be 18 and I can legally get her out. It makes me hopeful, but also makes me feel mean. Oh man!!
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Old 10-22-2014, 06:59 PM
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Well, the 25th is almost here, she will be 18. It has been really bad here, her outburst, fitness, anger just flow onto everyone. She tells me that I just have to "deal" with things until she it's ready to leave. I don't have enough energy to explain everything. Having RA flare because not eating with all this stress and the anger I feel. Taking in an orphan relative and providing a loving and previously balanced home. Sounds crazy, but I feel like the devil himself has moved into my guest room.
My husband has obstructive asthma due to allergies, he had to go on all kinds of machines and medicines. The doctor says the house has to be kept really clean the whole house! I sold her that and she refuses to keep her room clean, it is filthy!!! I was going to boot her out at 18, but now I find I have to give written notice, file an unlawful detainer with the court, go to court and get a judge to agree that she needs to leave my home!!!
Then I have to evict her it could take 3 months. Meanwhile I have to cover the costs of Herr being here. Today, I just gave up. I am sick I am tired, angry, you don't want to know the solutions I have considered. So lost, so done.
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Old 10-22-2014, 07:07 PM
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Hey...

Thanks for keeping us in the loop, Firefall.

Here's something for you to ponder. And please understand I'm (partly) joking when I say this.

What would Frank Underwood do in your situation?
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