I thought things were going well...
 

I haven't been on here in along time. I thought things were going well for my AS. He had been clean for almost two years, got his legal problems straightened out did his probation (tested clean for the whole year and a half) has had a job for over a year. He lives with my husband and I. He is 36. We just discoverd he used my husbands debit card and took out $1600 which he said he gave to a friend of his who was in a jam and that the bank sent him a card with my husbands account number by mistake. We know thats not true. Now my husband wants to throw him out. He has nowhere to go. He has no car. If we throw him out he will lose his job and go right back downhill to where he was before. He really doesn't seem like he is on drugs again, but Im probably wrong. I am so upset right now I can't even say. How can I throw him out knowing he has nothing and will be out on the street.

I am so sorry. I agree to kick him out, there are places for him to go. If he has relapsed, let him go into a program like Salvation Army. I would get together a list of all the shelters in the area or possibly help him with getting into an apartment and letting him take it from there.
Let him go get the $ from his friend he "gave" it to. I would doubt if he is clean. I know a lot of times they are clean during probation and then use b/c they are no longer being tested. You never know.

However, this is a 36 year old MAN. He is never going to learn responsibility until he learns to get it himself by suffering very real consequences.

I am so sorry, it is tragic when you think someone has learned their lesson and then you realize they have not. Get anything of monetary value that you can and lock it up until he is out, protect your assets.

I hope you have some peace very soon.

XXX

Every action has intended and unintended consequences. Stealing $1600 is a pretty serious transgression. I don't have kids, so I don't know what it's like for you or your husband. But I also know that there are members here that have iced their addict children for doing stuff like your AS did. And that's a tough call to make.

So, I can't tell you what to do. What I can tell you, though, is doing the right thing for yourself can suck sometimes. When it comes time to make that call, remember who forced your hand and why.

If we kick him out he will literally be on the street. I researched Salvation
Army when he was actively addicted and they have no shelters in this area. Also must shelters around here are for women and children only. As for an apartment he would never be aproved as his credit rating is about 0. He declared bankruptcy about a year ago. Also he has no health insurance so rehab is not an option.

Thank you for your response. you are right. We will have to think about this.

he's dang near FORTY, has a JOB, surely he can find a place to live??? time to quit treating him like he's a little boy. if he ends up on the street, that's his doing. have you reported the theft to the police? is that not what you would do if ANYONE ELSE stole money from you and got a card fraudulently???

He stole from you, and he stole a lot of money.

What are your limits?

This isn't helping him--this is enabling.

Sometimes people really need to hit bottom so they have the opportunity
to take charge of their own life.

If he gets no serious consequences for this, I think you will regret it down the road.
I'm very sorry as I imagine this is so very difficult.

I met someone at Celebrate Recovery not too long ago who is in a treatment center/shelter type setting here. It's for men. He came here from 1500 miles away b/c he wanted help. When you decide to help yourself it is amazing with some of the things you can come up with, it's just a matter of how badly you want to work for it.

I am so sorry. I know the fear has to be overwhelming, but what he did is both criminal and a terrible thing to do to those who love you, feed you, and help you in life.

Whatever you decide to do, we are here to support you. Please don't take the comments as harsh as I do not mean that at all, but sometimes someone else from outside the situation can see it a lot more clearly than you can.

In the midst of it, please take good care of you.

Also just thinking, there is no reason that you have to do anything immediately. How about he rents from you X amount of time for a bit until he builds up enough to find a place to rent on his own. He may have to search and search hard to find that place, but it would give him time to do so. It sounds like he has a job, so he should be able to do that. That would give a time limit on him getting out, and you finding some peace.

That is the pits. 1600.00 is a fortune. Just wondering if you have told him to return the money immediately (or something like that)? Does he have anything else to say for himself? WOW.

What about a motel that rent by the week? Any of those near you? They have all he needs. Bed, TV, shower etc.

This man should he on his own. I have a son, 25, he smokes pot but he does have a job and pays his own way.

I can’t control what he does or does not do. Those are his choices and to be able to make them, he has to pay his own way.

Thank you all for your comments. I know you are right. He had 1100 dollars saved up in his envelope which we took and he is going to pay us back the 500 remainder. He only makes minimum wage. Its the only job he could get because he has a felony record. If we kick him out he would lose the job and doesn't make enough money to support himself. But I know we should do it. I also know if we did knowing him, he would have nothing. I also know that's on him but it would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I do thank you all for your support. I know you are right and I hope I can get to the point of actually doing what I should.

Im not a parent, but I am a daughter and my husband is recovering from an addiction so take what you want from my response.

Overall it sounds like your son has been doing good and working hard on his recovery or he wouldn’t have two years clean, a job, work on his legal issues. It doesn’t matter what his age is I don’t think because he has been rebuilding his life and it takes time.

Stealing money from your accounts was wrong, but it sounds out of character ? Probably then he relapsed. I don’t think the best option is to punish people when they relapse but I think it does mean he needs to make some kind of change, maybe your whole family does. Have you tried talking to him with your husband (when your both calm)? You don’t believe his story, what he did is unacceptable, but based on all the positive this past year you want to know what happened, and if it’s a relapse its nothing to be ashamed of and you will support him if he wants to pick himself back up and refocus.

He might not need a full blown rehab right now, maybe there are other low cost programs for outpatient, or counseling in your area? You don’t have to pay for it, and you don’t have to let him continue living there in your home either, or maybe enforce new last chance rules. If he needs to go then maybe tell him honestly the feeling you cannot trust him at this point and give him a couple weeks to find another place to live, and your holding the rest of the debt and expect repayment in the future as a first sign of accepting responsibility.

I was told relapse doesn’t equal failure, its what a person does after the relapse matters the most. First instinct is usually to lie because of shame or fear, and sometimes yes because they don’t want to quit. But I don’t think its right to assume he has given up at this point.

Has to be very hard as a parent. I know my inlaws have had a lot to deal with, they dont share it all with me, but I can see the concern on their faces sometimes. ((hugs))

Pommie, I have been unable to respond to your Private Message. Check your profile connections and make sure you can receive them.

Ann - I think I added you to my contact list. Please try again.

Blue Chair - Thanks so much. Your reply has so much sense. Will definitely do as you suggest.

Pommie I too am a mom of a ras. I feel your pain and I feel your struggle. Your son did well for 2 years and now he has possibly relapsed. While I agree with everyone the lie and stealing of 1600.00 is alarming and should not be tolerated, it doesn't mean he cannot start again and work harder at his program. Have you and your husband had a good hard talk about this and given him strict boundaries/told him you know he is lying?
My son is 30. He just got a better paying job and knows he has till Sept 1st to save money to move out. He has relapsed a few times and finally went on Suboxone to stop the urges. He called on his own, pays for the doctor appointment and meds. I think you and your husband need to decide what is best for him without enabling. Is he willing to take a drug test, go to meetings, out patient therapy if he tests positive? Have you given him a time frame for moving out? I wish you the best and will be praying for you and your son. It's a horrible place to be. Hugs.

Oxford House Tigger
127 Hubbard Ave
Red Bank, NJ 07701-5534
Gender: M
Beds/vacancies: 12/1
732-842-0872

There seem to be an opening in your local Oxford house for men. Oxford house are self managed sober living places where people in recovery can rent a room.
They have to remain clean and sober and attend meetings I think.
Here is their Jersey Website
http://www.njoxfordhouse.org/directory/
Being there, he will have a chance to make new friends who are also in recovery rather than (if his story is true) some parasites who need to be bailed out from jams.

I lived in an oxford house for two years. It was instrumental in my sobriety.

thank you Carlotta. We will definitely look into this. Thank you so much.

Just hugs. and prayers.

Remember to do what is best for yourself first. It's not selfish. Taking the focus off your son and putting back on yourself is the right thing to do. Some addicts will never choose to get better as long as someone else is always there to pick up the pieces. Tough love is hard, but love without consequences and discipline can not survive.

I'm sorry your going through this. Have you tried Al-Anon?