Lotusangel

My 23 to heroin addict son entered intensive outpatient last week for the second time (first time a year ago). Everything was going well until yesterday. Something was off. He had a bad day... Today I get a call that he is being discharged because he didn't show up, no call no show.

I am livid and disappointed! I don't think I can do this anymore. He's, I'm sure, at the condo I own, sleeping or doing whatever while I and my husband work. I think it's time to do something different but my stomach hurts and my head is spinning just thinking of what to do.

I feel like going over there during lunch and looking him in the eye and just telling him I'm done. I love him but can't live like this any longer.

Hawkeye13

You don't have to go down with him.
I'm sorry you're hurting, but he is choosing this, not you.

zoso77

Hey...

Deep breaths, OK? Go get a cold glass of water and drink it to flush the cortizol out of your system.

You and your husband have to do what is necessary to protect yourselves. I know that's going to be very, very difficult for both of you. There are times, though, when we have to do things we don't want to do.

Hopefully, our resident mothers will offer their support shortly. Do your best and hang in there until they do.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Lotus Angel, I am a mom of a RAS who is 24. We went though utter hell with our son 3 times over, inpatient and outpatient, jail and probation. We had to ask him to leave through the offer of inpatient rehab in an environment where there is structure and accountability and consequences or move out without any support from us. Sadly, living under our roof after completing his last rehab was a MAJOR mistake. You can let your son know what your boundaries are. I understand you may fear that your direct conversation will /may cause a relapse BUT that is not true. You are powerless over the addiction. If your son realizes he can no longer get away with it, he will be forced to have to make choices. And even if he makes the wrong choices, he will learn from them. I think (pray) I have crossed to the other side by finally letting my adult son go. I love him dearly, but I don't want to be the answer to his every problem and need.

lonelystar

Hi,

Im sorry , sorry about your son , sorry about what you and your family are going through, I am also a mother of an addict I have been practicing meditation lately , i stop breath a few times I let my son own his own problems if that makes sense and then I let it go, will pray for you and your son

Lotusangel

Thanks everyone for responding when I just needed a friend who truly understands. I did end up going during lunch to my son's condo. I was so sad and really wanted to cry but I didn't, not to mention when I found out I was at work (and I never let personal stuff get the best of me at work…somehow I am able to compartmentalize it all, it if makes any sense…even with a broken heart). When I got there, he opened the door. He's never rude or yells or anything which is good. I just told him that I cannot do this anymore and he has to make a choice on whether he wants to live clean or not. I asked him to leave if he does not plan on being proactive and doing something about his problem. Later he did text message me and explained that he was late and that was why he was discharged but I just responded by saying that he is responsible for making sure that he does everything he needs to do if he is committed to his recovery because I can't, and that I was just too tired. My daughter is 21 yo and goes to college and works. She is his roommate and wants him to get clean. We talked a little about the situation, and I decided to not contact him in the meantime because I had told him I don't want to her any excuses anymore to either clean or not.

I am not sure what my next step is. For this evening, I plan on not thinking too much about it and focusing on my daughter a bit. She is studying for some exams because she is taking four summer classes (I'm proud of her) and she wanted to bounce some ideas with me. I truly enjoy schooling and helping give advice where needed and wanted.

Thank you so much for being there for me today. I guess I was lucky I had a meeting right after lunch which ran long and helped me take my mind off things.

GardenMama

Lotus, I am glad you spoke to your son and had the courage to say to him what you did. I really feel your pain and hope that you had a good evening and a good day tomorrow. I am in the middle of the same thing, not letting my AD back home after using in my house and refusing an outstanding treatment center...she and her ABF are now homeless, supposedly waiting for rehab beds at places of their own choosing. She is not even IN a place yet and I am thinking about how I am going to handle her LEAVING, and not succeeding...It is a strange world we inhabit!

It is so incredibly hard--here they are, barely functioning adults, and so lost in something we parents are so powerless over influencing. My heart and prayers go out to you. Take care.

Lotusangel

Gardenmama,

Thank you for the kind words. I feel your pain. I actually feel better when I come to this website and am able to respond to others and also receive some valuable responses to my concerns.

I pray that soon my son as well as your daughter have an epiphany where they will just realize "what am I doing wasting my time and losing my family over this". I truly love spending time with my son and am so afraid to lose him forever to this addiction.

Thank you again. I have survived for today and will not worry about tomorrow until I have to.

Ann

Another mama chiming in here to offer hugs and support.

My son has struggled with addiction his entire adult life, he's no longer a young fellow with bright dreams of a future.

For years and years I tried everything to save him, letting him live at home many times and never once did that end well.

The day came when I knew I was sinking with him, that my life was darker than it had ever been and I could feel my life and spirit just fading...it was then that I gave my son's care to God, asking Him to do for him what I could not.

It breaks our hearts to watch our children self-destruct, it eats our soul to be unable to help them...but in the end, it is they themselves who have to want help so badly that they are willing to do whatever is necessary to help themselves.

Detaching from your son and his addiction is a loving thing because it gives him the opportunity to learn his own lessons, however hard they may be. Giving up your life won't save his, sadly if love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.

Keeping you and your family in my prayers, that your son will find a better path soon.

Hugs

Lotusangel

Thank you Ann for responding. I always read your threads and responses to others. Your words are always so soothing and give a sense of relief that everything will be alright. I had a long day at work, taking care of business. I'm good at my job and take professionalism seriously. My son did text me a few time but I didn't answer. I want to pull myself back a little and take time for me, so tonight I will focus on me a little.

So grateful I have all of you here.