New and frustrated
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1
New and frustrated
I'm new to this forum, but need to vent, and it's difficult to realize that the stigma and silence that surrounds addiction can extend to friends and family. And then that I, in some ways, further that stigma and silence.
I have two friends who have struggled/are struggling with heroin addiction. One has been ongoing for a few years and, until recently, I thought he had been clean for a few months. The other, I just learned about, and is probably what has brought up my desire to discuss with other people who have experienced similar things.
The first friend is my husband's longtime best friend, and he dated my sister for several years. There was a long period of time that I thought he would be my brother in law. He asked my father for permission to marry my sister, then spent the money he'd saved for a ring on drugs (then the drug of choice was pills).
Once my sister left him, he spiraled out of control, tried to kill himself, and unable to continue to afford the pills, switched to heroin. He didn't come to our wedding when he shot up in the car and passed out in the driveway, woke up and left. For my husband, it was the last in a series of hurts. He decided he needed time and space away from his friend.
He went to rehab and came back "recovered." Since about December, he's been clean. It's been wonderful, having him back in our life. I've so enjoyed spending time with him and feeling like I have my friend back.
Recently, we had our friend over for dinner. He came over, clearly not sober. He kept falling asleep as he was putting sugar in his coffee, mid conversation. He lurched and spilled a drink as he fell asleep walking from the kitchen to the living room. I excused myself and went upstairs. When my husband asked him what was going on, he claimed that he was sober, that he'd been up late drinking. However, he did admit that he's been doing it again on the weekends "weekend warrior." "It's great, it's fun again now that I can just do it recreationally."
I'm so upset. I want him to know that I love him, and I care about him, but I don't want to be around him when he's in this state. I also want him to know that we can tell when he's lying. That we weren't fooled by his "up all night" excuses, and that as an addict, he can't DO this recreationally. And that he can't come over to my house in that state again.
My other friend is a woman who recently lost her job. My sister got her a job working for her, and she got fired from that job, under suspicion of theft. Her part time job had thousands of dollars stolen from it. Her car died, and my husband (ever the hero) lent her his car while he used his father. He then gave her our credit card so that she could get the oil changed. We recently discovered that she charged over 1k to our credit card. When confronted, she tried to lie about it until she realized how traceable the charges were. She also then confessed to my husband that she's been doing heroin, but she can't go to rehab because her son's father would find out and take custody of him. She then told him that if he told her fiance (also one of his best friends) and ruined her relationship, she knew the things to say to ruin our relationship. This woman was a bridesmaid at our wedding. My husband did eventually tell his friend/her fiance.
This isn't the first time I've felt betrayed by this friend, although it is the first time (to my knowledge) that it's been drug-related. I feel threatened and hurt by her, and feel torn between wanting to offer support/reach out to her and feeling like this is more than I am able or willing to get involved in. Because my husband is the one who deals with the credit card bill, he's been the one talking to her, so I haven't directly spoken to her since this happened.
With both of these people, I feel sad for them, torn between wanting to help them and wanting to protect myself, angry at them for making me feel so jaded, and angry at myself that I can't just 100% say "yes. I am here for you. Let me help you."
I have two friends who have struggled/are struggling with heroin addiction. One has been ongoing for a few years and, until recently, I thought he had been clean for a few months. The other, I just learned about, and is probably what has brought up my desire to discuss with other people who have experienced similar things.
The first friend is my husband's longtime best friend, and he dated my sister for several years. There was a long period of time that I thought he would be my brother in law. He asked my father for permission to marry my sister, then spent the money he'd saved for a ring on drugs (then the drug of choice was pills).
Once my sister left him, he spiraled out of control, tried to kill himself, and unable to continue to afford the pills, switched to heroin. He didn't come to our wedding when he shot up in the car and passed out in the driveway, woke up and left. For my husband, it was the last in a series of hurts. He decided he needed time and space away from his friend.
He went to rehab and came back "recovered." Since about December, he's been clean. It's been wonderful, having him back in our life. I've so enjoyed spending time with him and feeling like I have my friend back.
Recently, we had our friend over for dinner. He came over, clearly not sober. He kept falling asleep as he was putting sugar in his coffee, mid conversation. He lurched and spilled a drink as he fell asleep walking from the kitchen to the living room. I excused myself and went upstairs. When my husband asked him what was going on, he claimed that he was sober, that he'd been up late drinking. However, he did admit that he's been doing it again on the weekends "weekend warrior." "It's great, it's fun again now that I can just do it recreationally."
I'm so upset. I want him to know that I love him, and I care about him, but I don't want to be around him when he's in this state. I also want him to know that we can tell when he's lying. That we weren't fooled by his "up all night" excuses, and that as an addict, he can't DO this recreationally. And that he can't come over to my house in that state again.
My other friend is a woman who recently lost her job. My sister got her a job working for her, and she got fired from that job, under suspicion of theft. Her part time job had thousands of dollars stolen from it. Her car died, and my husband (ever the hero) lent her his car while he used his father. He then gave her our credit card so that she could get the oil changed. We recently discovered that she charged over 1k to our credit card. When confronted, she tried to lie about it until she realized how traceable the charges were. She also then confessed to my husband that she's been doing heroin, but she can't go to rehab because her son's father would find out and take custody of him. She then told him that if he told her fiance (also one of his best friends) and ruined her relationship, she knew the things to say to ruin our relationship. This woman was a bridesmaid at our wedding. My husband did eventually tell his friend/her fiance.
This isn't the first time I've felt betrayed by this friend, although it is the first time (to my knowledge) that it's been drug-related. I feel threatened and hurt by her, and feel torn between wanting to offer support/reach out to her and feeling like this is more than I am able or willing to get involved in. Because my husband is the one who deals with the credit card bill, he's been the one talking to her, so I haven't directly spoken to her since this happened.
With both of these people, I feel sad for them, torn between wanting to help them and wanting to protect myself, angry at them for making me feel so jaded, and angry at myself that I can't just 100% say "yes. I am here for you. Let me help you."
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. You've found the right place.
Other members will be by to greet you and provide you the support and encouragement that you need during this difficult time, but I'd like to take a moment and offer my own thoughts.
Re: your husband's friend...that's an awful story. But that's the sort of thing that happens when someone with that sort of vulnerability gives themself permission to do something they shouldn't be doing. He's not being honest with himself. And you were right to throw down a hard boundary. So now it's a question of holding firm on that boundary, always being mindful that if an active addict's lips are moving, he's lying.
Re: your other "friend"...her transgressions are quite serious. But whenever you feel torn about wanting to help her, the truth is you can't. There is nothing you, or anyone, can do. She's going to have to seek recovery on her own, and until that moment comes, you have to expect more of the same out of her -- i.e. lying, stealing, or worse. If you're throwing down a hard boundary with your husband's friend, then the same boundaries should apply to this woman.
Anyways, you can hope for the best with these people, but once they've violated your trust, you need to be mindful that they are very, very sick and, if given the chance, will continue to betray your confidence without conscience or hesitation.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Other members will be by to greet you and provide you the support and encouragement that you need during this difficult time, but I'd like to take a moment and offer my own thoughts.
Re: your husband's friend...that's an awful story. But that's the sort of thing that happens when someone with that sort of vulnerability gives themself permission to do something they shouldn't be doing. He's not being honest with himself. And you were right to throw down a hard boundary. So now it's a question of holding firm on that boundary, always being mindful that if an active addict's lips are moving, he's lying.
Re: your other "friend"...her transgressions are quite serious. But whenever you feel torn about wanting to help her, the truth is you can't. There is nothing you, or anyone, can do. She's going to have to seek recovery on her own, and until that moment comes, you have to expect more of the same out of her -- i.e. lying, stealing, or worse. If you're throwing down a hard boundary with your husband's friend, then the same boundaries should apply to this woman.
Anyways, you can hope for the best with these people, but once they've violated your trust, you need to be mindful that they are very, very sick and, if given the chance, will continue to betray your confidence without conscience or hesitation.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome Beachdancer.
Its sad to see friends and loved ones caught in addiction. I understand your feelings, wanting to help, and angry because you know you cannot be 100% willing to offer help. Trust your gut feelings.... nothing you can do will make them want to stop. Fixing their messes just makes it easier for them to continue making bad choices, no matter what they say to the contrary.
this is an awesome place, and you can find much good reading in the stickies , of stories much like yours. About addicts, and how to protect yourself. You are the only one you can protect.
best wishes!
Its sad to see friends and loved ones caught in addiction. I understand your feelings, wanting to help, and angry because you know you cannot be 100% willing to offer help. Trust your gut feelings.... nothing you can do will make them want to stop. Fixing their messes just makes it easier for them to continue making bad choices, no matter what they say to the contrary.
this is an awesome place, and you can find much good reading in the stickies , of stories much like yours. About addicts, and how to protect yourself. You are the only one you can protect.
best wishes!
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