I need strength tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 30
Finally broke down and left my boyfriend today. I called my parents and let them know for the first time today about his addiction. I realized that I've been avoiding telling them because I knew they would tell me the truth. They were really supportive but also helped guide me along in seeing things with a more clear mind. I also called his parents and told them he had relapsed without my boyfriends consent. After telling them over the phone, my boyfriend texted me with a text along the lines of something that made me feel guilty and awful about my decision of telling them and breaking up with him. I'm trying to stay strong but it's so hard to think of him being alone and having to deal with the position he's put himself in. It hurts to know that your hurting someone you love. Right now I just need advice and words of encouragement to keep me from breaking down and being weak with him. It's so hard to be strong when you've been so weak and rescued him so many times before.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He is trying tomanipulate you. When you open up and are honest, it frees you but causes the addict stress bc they are forced to own up what you have covered up. Be free of that toxicity. Read your other post, thr whole thing. Is that a life you want? You deserve more. An addict will never be eell without consequences, but that is up to them, not you.
Be strong and have the peace of knowing you cannot save him but you surely have given him a chance to save himself. If he does so or not is up to him.
XXX
Be strong and have the peace of knowing you cannot save him but you surely have given him a chance to save himself. If he does so or not is up to him.
XXX
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
have the peace of knowing you cannot save him but you surely have given him a chance to save himself. If he does so or not is up to him. XXX
Is it wrong to hold on to the hope that leaving him today will save him eventually down the road and that we can be together then? Is that totally ridiculous of me to hope on?
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by juskeepswimin
Thanks for your words of advice and encouragement.
Is it wrong to hold on to the hope that leaving him today will save him eventually down the road and that we can be together then? Is that totally ridiculous of me to hope on?
Is it wrong to hold on to the hope that leaving him today will save him eventually down the road and that we can be together then? Is that totally ridiculous of me to hope on?
Your bf may not get clean. However, you have taken a step of love that is to be admired. Refuse to watch him kill himself with drugs. Loving him enough to leave with the hope he will get clean. Allowing him to feel the consequences of his addiction. Now that is love. Rescuing is selfish. I learned that the hard way.
You are in a good place even though it feels bad. Things will get better at least for you no matter what he does or doesn't do. You must invest the energy you put out on him into you. Your recovery. Yes, codependents need recovery too.
My suggestion is that you research codependency, enabling and detaching with love. Continue hanging around here and let your SR friends and family be the shoulder that you lean on when the going gets tough.
Remember to be kind to yourself. You are important and deserve good things.
Hugs,
Passion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 21
Hi Swimmin... I don't post a lot. I'm pretty new here. I prefer to lurk. Reading posts. Taking in information. Learning. Growing. What did I find out? I am pretty co-dependent. I didn't realize this, or maybe I did but was just sheltering myself from the truth. Who knows. That makes no difference now.
In any event, my a(x?)gf is slated to be released from inpatient rehab tomorrow. I (think?) I love her. I (think?) I want to be with her after she's released. But do I really? When we were together, she filled certain needs for me. What were those? She made me feel important to her, and she made me feel necessary. That said, and although I saw it I did not realize it, she was in active addiction at the time. Sadly, that pretty much invalidates most of what we experienced over the 18 months that we were together. In order for us to be partners, I need to examine and reexamine what was truth and what was lies. I need to question everything. And at the end of the day, I need to decide what is right for me and my own future, and what she can provide long term for my life as my partner. I'm trying to plan for the future, she's living 'one day at a time'. I'm trying to forge a legacy for my kids, and she's just trying to stay clean. Where would we connect? The answer is I don't know.
So I guess my advice would be to just lurk a little. Understand what your relationship needs are and then try to see yourself in that position with him, and if that's the life you'd like to live in the future. Read stories from others, and picture yourself in that life, being his support. Addicts are selfish people. They must be. And that's okay. But decide for yourself if that's what you need and want in a relationship.
PS... Please take my words with a grain of salt. Like I said, I'm still very new here, but still... This forum makes me think. A lot.
In any event, my a(x?)gf is slated to be released from inpatient rehab tomorrow. I (think?) I love her. I (think?) I want to be with her after she's released. But do I really? When we were together, she filled certain needs for me. What were those? She made me feel important to her, and she made me feel necessary. That said, and although I saw it I did not realize it, she was in active addiction at the time. Sadly, that pretty much invalidates most of what we experienced over the 18 months that we were together. In order for us to be partners, I need to examine and reexamine what was truth and what was lies. I need to question everything. And at the end of the day, I need to decide what is right for me and my own future, and what she can provide long term for my life as my partner. I'm trying to plan for the future, she's living 'one day at a time'. I'm trying to forge a legacy for my kids, and she's just trying to stay clean. Where would we connect? The answer is I don't know.
So I guess my advice would be to just lurk a little. Understand what your relationship needs are and then try to see yourself in that position with him, and if that's the life you'd like to live in the future. Read stories from others, and picture yourself in that life, being his support. Addicts are selfish people. They must be. And that's okay. But decide for yourself if that's what you need and want in a relationship.
PS... Please take my words with a grain of salt. Like I said, I'm still very new here, but still... This forum makes me think. A lot.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 31
Keep your head up and focus on YOU and what makes you happy. I have been living with addiction for 10 years. Although my AH has been sober for 8 months and I pray that he can stay that way, I know I have no control over it. Just have to work on you and let your addict focus on themselves. We would have far more sober people walking around if they could stay sober on our love alone.
And DO NOT let your xbf manipulate you with hurtful words...they are so good at making you feel like everything is your fault.
Stay strong, you are worth it!!!
And DO NOT let your xbf manipulate you with hurtful words...they are so good at making you feel like everything is your fault.
Stay strong, you are worth it!!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by juskeepswimin
Finally broke down and left my boyfriend today. I called my parents and let them know for the first time today about his addiction. I realized that I've been avoiding telling them because I knew they would tell me the truth. They were really supportive but also helped guide me along in seeing things with a more clear mind. I also called his parents and told them he had relapsed without my boyfriends consent. After telling them over the phone, my boyfriend texted me with a text along the lines of something that made me feel guilty and awful about my decision of telling them and breaking up with him. I'm trying to stay strong but it's so hard to think of him being alone and having to deal with the position he's put himself in. It hurts to know that your hurting someone you love. Right now I just need advice and words of encouragement to keep me from breaking down and being weak with him. It's so hard to be strong when you've been so weak and rescued him so many times before.
It's now time to recharge your batteries and take care of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's not wrong to hold on that hope, but know that it's not likely. I am sorry, I am not trying to break your heart, just being realistic. All you can do is let him choose to recover, or not. In the mean time, you are still entitled to a life, live it. Recovery is long and hard work, so there won't be any stunning revelations anytime soon. The best thing I can tell you is to do some true deep work on YOU during this time. Go to therapy, to support groups. Get yourself strong, your self esteem where it needs to be so no matter what happens you are prepared for it in being in a good place with yourself, the one person you can control.
Tight Hugs. It's hard, I do know. It won't happen for you overnight either. However, you are making progress and each day when you close your eyes, think about even the smallest amount of progress you have made and credit yourself for it. For if you are moving forward, or even holding still, you are moving in the right direction. It's those backslides that hurt us, so the more you can keep from that happening the better off you will be.
You can encourage someone to get recovery. You can cheer them on. You can hope and pray for them. However, you CANNOT control it, you cannot cure it, and you did not cause it.
You are stronger than you think, guarantee it. You can do this.
Tight Hugs. It's hard, I do know. It won't happen for you overnight either. However, you are making progress and each day when you close your eyes, think about even the smallest amount of progress you have made and credit yourself for it. For if you are moving forward, or even holding still, you are moving in the right direction. It's those backslides that hurt us, so the more you can keep from that happening the better off you will be.
You can encourage someone to get recovery. You can cheer them on. You can hope and pray for them. However, you CANNOT control it, you cannot cure it, and you did not cause it.
You are stronger than you think, guarantee it. You can do this.
Originally Posted by juskeepswimin
Thanks for your words of advice and encouragement.
Is it wrong to hold on to the hope that leaving him today will save him eventually down the road and that we can be together then? Is that totally ridiculous of me to hope on?
Is it wrong to hold on to the hope that leaving him today will save him eventually down the road and that we can be together then? Is that totally ridiculous of me to hope on?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We all hope our addicted loved ones find recovery soon and that's a positive feeling that keeps our hearts from breaking.
Expectations are quite another thing, it is futile to expect responsible behaviour from someone lost in the insanity of active addiction.
It might be best to keep moving forward in your life and I am really glad you were able to be honest with your parents. Wrap yourself in their support and maybe find yourself some meetings where you can share openly and safely with others who understand.
It hurts to watch someone we care for self-destruct. It hurts even more to self-destruct with them.
Wishing you happier tomorrows filled with light and peace.
Hugs
Expectations are quite another thing, it is futile to expect responsible behaviour from someone lost in the insanity of active addiction.
It might be best to keep moving forward in your life and I am really glad you were able to be honest with your parents. Wrap yourself in their support and maybe find yourself some meetings where you can share openly and safely with others who understand.
It hurts to watch someone we care for self-destruct. It hurts even more to self-destruct with them.
Wishing you happier tomorrows filled with light and peace.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 30
Thanks for all your kind words and advice. It gives me great comfort to know that even though it seems pretty tough right now, that in end it is letting go that will give me the greatest chance of happiness and him a fighting chance at beginning to conquer his addiction head on. It seems like a loss, but I know in the end the lessons I learn and grow from this experience will be a win. My hope is that it's a win for him too in the end, as I will always care and think of him often.
This whole situation seems unfair for him and I often wonder why god has put such a wonderfully amazing person to deal with the awful truth of addiction. I pray for all of those out there who are dealing with addiction and trying each day to overcome a nearly impossible task. I hate addiction and that it continues to take hold of my boyfriend.
This whole situation seems unfair for him and I often wonder why god has put such a wonderfully amazing person to deal with the awful truth of addiction. I pray for all of those out there who are dealing with addiction and trying each day to overcome a nearly impossible task. I hate addiction and that it continues to take hold of my boyfriend.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
This whole situation seems unfair for him and I often wonder why god has put such a wonderfully amazing person to deal with the awful truth of addiction.
In the case of your AXBF, he chose to try drugs. He's chosing to continue to use drugs. God did not lead him down that path. He went down that path of his own choosing. Whereas somebody like me reads about guys like Jimmy Page, who was addicted to heroin and whose guitar playing suffered tremendously as a result, and I think to myself, Gee, I better not go down that road.
Never forget your AXBF has chosen this path.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 35
You're so strong, and you absolutely did the right thing. I can tell you really care about him, but I can also tell you're smart and you see the ugly truth that is in front of you. I'm PMing you a longer response, but stay strong, and sending all my hugs and support. It's a tough thing, but god, I promise, it's the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
"After telling them over the phone, my boyfriend texted me with a text along the lines of something that made me feel guilty and awful about my decision of telling them and breaking up with him. I'm trying to stay strong but it's so hard to think of him being alone and having to deal with the position he's put himself in. It hurts to know that your hurting someone you love."
I am in a bit of a different situation but my story is similar. My son's GF told us he was using. I have no doubt she saved his life. It was then that we told him he was no longer welcome in our home without calling and not allowed at our business at all and we took our house key back. If that had not happened he would still be using and maybe dead.
You did him the biggest favor ever even if he does not realize it. He may not choose to get clean once his family talks to him. You cannot control that but you did take control of your own life and I promise you, you made the right choice.
Your boyfriend chose to do drugs and now he has to do the hard work to be clean and most times they don't want to. You have given him a chance now to face his addiction, admit he is addicted and to seek help. Being alone is exactly what he needs! Enabling and making him feel comfortable is not going to help him!
I agree with others not to wait around and hope he seeks recovery. Focus on what you can do for yourself to get past this. Keep busy, get some therapy if need be and exercise if at all possible. All these things will help...............along with time. I am glad you have the support of your parents.
I agree with Zoso that God does not cause any of these things. God sits back and allows us to make out own choices. We do not always make the right decision and then it is on us, our responsibility to make the right choices and right wrongs.
I wish you the very best. Please have no guilt. You did the right thing no matter what he tries to say.
I am in a bit of a different situation but my story is similar. My son's GF told us he was using. I have no doubt she saved his life. It was then that we told him he was no longer welcome in our home without calling and not allowed at our business at all and we took our house key back. If that had not happened he would still be using and maybe dead.
You did him the biggest favor ever even if he does not realize it. He may not choose to get clean once his family talks to him. You cannot control that but you did take control of your own life and I promise you, you made the right choice.
Your boyfriend chose to do drugs and now he has to do the hard work to be clean and most times they don't want to. You have given him a chance now to face his addiction, admit he is addicted and to seek help. Being alone is exactly what he needs! Enabling and making him feel comfortable is not going to help him!
I agree with others not to wait around and hope he seeks recovery. Focus on what you can do for yourself to get past this. Keep busy, get some therapy if need be and exercise if at all possible. All these things will help...............along with time. I am glad you have the support of your parents.
I agree with Zoso that God does not cause any of these things. God sits back and allows us to make out own choices. We do not always make the right decision and then it is on us, our responsibility to make the right choices and right wrongs.
I wish you the very best. Please have no guilt. You did the right thing no matter what he tries to say.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
How are you today swim? I hope you are looking out at a bright sunny sky and can go for a walk or do something special for yourself. I don't care if it is getting an ice cream. Any little thing you do to make yourself feel better will help you and the days will go by fast and before you know it, you will wake up one day and all of a sudden, you will feel better and know you are going to be just fine 
HUGS
HUGS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 30
Yesterday I took the time to spend with my family... Time that I really didn't get a lot of being with an addict. I thought it would be helpful to stay the night with my parents in the event that I did hear from him or received a surprise visit at my apartment. I'm also going to organize my apartment today...which oddly gives me pleasure and I never had the time to do that for myself before with my bf consuming my energy. I can't believe how much time I have for myself now. It makes me realize just how much time was given to my aexbf. Haven't heard from him since the night we broke up :/ sorta hard knowing that he might be spiraling deeper in his addiction and that's why I haven't heard from him. But, at the same time I am relieved knowing that he hasn't bothered to contact me because I know I am still weak and might give in. However, my parents have given me a lot of strength to make the right choices... which I am so grateful for.
I'm not ready to tell friends and others that I have broken up with my boyfriend at this point, as I think I am afraid that if I do tell them that there really is no turning back. It's like cutting the last tie to the relationship, which is still hard for me to give up completely. I think that will be my next step when I'm ready.
I'm not ready to tell friends and others that I have broken up with my boyfriend at this point, as I think I am afraid that if I do tell them that there really is no turning back. It's like cutting the last tie to the relationship, which is still hard for me to give up completely. I think that will be my next step when I'm ready.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 30
By the way, thanks for reminding me needingabreak to take time for myself. It seems like I got into negative habits just like my addict did and have found myself having to remind me to care of me... even though my addict is out of the picture now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Everything takes time but you are moving in the right direction. The more time away, the more you will notice things, like you notice all of a sudden how much time you now have. The positives will come and will outweigh the negatives. Spending time with family and surrounding yourself with love and support will really help.
Keep busy and do things that are in your best interest. Before you know it you will be happy and smiling again. Promise.
Keep busy and do things that are in your best interest. Before you know it you will be happy and smiling again. Promise.
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