dollbaby115

my boyfriend has been in a religious mission rehab for a little over a month. This rehab does not let them talk to anyone but immediate family and only letters for the first few months. A week being in there he wrote his brother and wrote a letter for me as well. i would write back to him and give it to his brother, so this was on going, for last few weeks and i received very amazing letters from him, i am his biggest fan i never wrote him anything negative and kept pushing to stay there for the whole program and get the help he needs and how proud and happy i was for him. I thought it would be nice to send a care package that was a bunch of food for him - anyway they found out it was from me because they caught him writing a letter to me and all our letters. Anyway his mom called me and said they are threatening him to either stop writing me or hell get kicked out. I feel horrible, i really was just trying to be nice and let him know i care about him, So anyway i cant contact him clearly anymore since we got caught, im sorry to vent -- im just so upset, i understand he needs to focus on himself i told him -- i guess my question is -- this program is 9 months long and since i really wont have any contact with him how does this work -- will he forget about me? what do i do now -- i know do me -- its just really hard its just a real sad feeling i have any help would be greatly appreciated its like hes gone forever now.

zoso77

Will he forget about you? No.

Will your relationship be changed? Yes. We just don't know how yet.

And what you're going to have to do is extremely difficult, and that's accept the fact that for the foreseeable future, the relationship is on pause.

The way I see things, DollBaby, you've got two real options. You can either hold on like mad, or you can go about your day to day life without him as best you can. The healthy thing to do is the latter. Right now, I'm guessing the thought of that scares the sh*t out of you. Your life is very much entangled with his. But right now, it can't be. Your life has to be about you, not about you and him.

There are others on the board who have been in similar situations to yours. Seek them out. Use the board as a way to learn how those who have been in your shoes got through it. You will get through it, even if you don't believe that right now.

Be safe.

Ann

Dollbaby, you both knew it was against the rules so it should not come as a surprise to either one of you that there are consequences. I know you miss each other but rehabs have these rules in place to help the resident focus on themselves and their recovery, so if you really care about him, please let him follow the rules and do this.

This might be a good time to find your own recovery, maybe attend some Al-anon, Nar-anon or Coda meetings or any meeting that will help you find your balance again.

Please don't waste the time he is away just pining and wishing things were different. They are what they are so maybe just make the best of it and be glad he is in recovery.

Hugs

chicory

I agree with everyone Dollbaby. Just respect the rules.. they are in place for a reason. I would imagine he needs to learn some important lessons, and following rules, no matter how it makes him feel, would be an important part of his recovery. It will serve him well to learn to respect rules.

I know that nine months seems like forever, but it will pass. And heavens yes, be glad he is in recovery!

Perhaps take this oddly wrapped gift and reconnect with yourself and what makes you happy. I would guess the time before this was not so great for you. Learn about addiction , as you know that there is no guarantee that he will always stay recovered. But we surely hope so. Meetings will give you a lot of support during this time.

focus on YOU. be well, and my best to you both.

tbhinshaw

readin your post made me cry ! I am currently in a similar situation. My boyfriend is only allowed to call out once a week and for 10 minutes. The therapist never answers my phone calls, i feel so broken inside. All i want is to hear his voice and see him. Trust me if he truly loves you he wont forget about you. I guarantee you are on his mind 24/7 ! You are his motivation to get better so he can come back to you and have a healthy life with you by his side. The most important thing is for you to not give up on him because right now you are his rock that is going to give him motivation. I am actually currently writing a book from the perspective of a girlfriend of an addict im hoping it will give support and encouragement to girls like us in this position ! You should write your feelings down on paper. my boyfriends first therapist told me to do that, I really liked that one he not only helped my boyfriend but me as well, sometimes putting your feelings down on paper helps clear your mind !

Raider

The best thing one can do in rehab is be the model "prisoner". Follow the rules, do what they say even if it doesn't make sense at the time. If he does, he will get the most possible out of the program. Also, if he is trustworthy, he will get some perks others who don't follow the rules may not. In my case, it was an extra wash cloth. Doesn't sound like much until you realize that one wash cloth means youre cleaning your face with the same one your cleaning your butt. Not cool.
For you, take this time for yourself. Go to those meetings mentioned above. What will be will be. Blessings.

Ann

Oh dear, I hope not. The reason the rules are so tight right now is because those with professional experience dealing with addiction know that he needs to focus on himself and his own recovery without outside distractions...because until he does he will not get well.

This is not a rejection of you, it's a life saving measure to work on his own recovery and learn how to live life without drugs. Just like his addiction wasn't about you, neither is his recovery. He needs to do this for himself.

In the meantime maybe you could find meetings for you and try to find your balance without him. When you are each healthier, you will be able to make healthier decisions.

Hugs

wantfreedom62

Dollbaby,

Your post is great and spot on point that i was trying to make in my thread.
we boyfriends and girlfriends got no rights....immediate family comes first, and this is the case in rehab or even hospital.
I guess if an adult couple decided to include the sig other bf/gf, in their family or closest to, responsible person than the rehab visits, could include us and not the family. I guess it would depend if we lived with them. I met one woman in naranon who's bf was in rehab and she was the one invited to visit, not his family. (maybe his family was messed up who knows).
I can only recommend prayer and naranon, more so than alanon because of the substance abuse issues. In the path of destruction an active addict does their recovery will come first post rehab. If we get busy with our own recovery, mental health, and self care, and let them do what they gotta do, I believe we're less likely to get hurt if they ditch us, post recovery, which is quite common, they meet someone else in rehab, or meetings, and we are soon "history" or they go thru a nasty period once they leave rehab and gotta deal with the real world. Its not personal its their disease, but best take care of ourselves NOW rather than later.

I also recommend Coda, its great. I wish u well, and pray for u.

Mountainmanbob

that is one heck of a tight program there

if you are the one for him he will never forget about you

MM

Lily1918

fear of the unknown is one of the biggest things we all experience in recovery or treatment (there's a big difference) I know everyone is telling you to keep your focus on yourself and I know that's really hard. I would try just one thing for yourself a day. As far as wondering if her will forget about you... who knows what he will choose. No one can say if he will stay sober, but we can say that he only has two choices right now... recovery or using. IF he finds recovery then he may come back or he may not.

My sponsor once asked me why I worry about whether or not my addict will come back. Do I have this worry over every loved one? My daughter could get in a car accident every single time she is in the car... and yet I never think twice about letting her go to her friends. We can lose anyone at anytime... so why do we worry about only certain people? She said this reflects my unhealthy attachment more than it does his unhealthy actions.

I don't know... just food for thought.

and often times in rehab (the ones I have had experience with at least) an addict is questioned about their relationships and it is the codependents who are not working a program who are not allowed to visit, whether that be mom, grandma, wife... whoever

dollbaby115

I CANT THANK YOU ENOUGH EVERYONE! it really meant a lot for all you to respond! I do have a few feedback things -- its been 2 weeks since ive heard anything, i stay in contact with his brohter and he tells me he is trying to go viist him at the end of july -- my bf was in trouble because of the letters so he wasnt allowed to write that much.

I Dont mean to sound like a bitch here but i guess it just bothers me his mother is allowed to talk and write him and she has control over the entire situation. and she is the one who is the crazy one, seriously, my boyfriend will be 30 years old, and its just annoying his mommy has control over everything, im sorry i dont mean to vent or sound mean its just this mother was never really there for him or wanted to help with anything and now she loves this attention she has caused so many issues in their family. i guess i should be lucky im not married or kids yet

i dont know what advice im even looking for -- i guess im just still upset it will be 2 months and i dont want him forgetting about me. i dont use or have ever done drugs so i its hard for me to understand. ive been to alanon meetings and talked to therapy. its really hard.

as for me and doing me i am -- im moving down south! im working on my masters and doing me -- i just really do miss him, i want him better i wish i could have more contact with him

anyone else coping or dealing ??

i really APPRECIATE EVEERYONES HELP!

hopeful4

It's really hard, but that's how it is with a majority of addicts. So many times the people who supported their addiction and helped them to it are the ones who are the closest to them. You will never change that, so don't even try. Accept it for what it is and keep marching forward. Keep up the good work on you!

zoso77

He's not going to forget about you. But your relationship with him will, inevitably, change. And that's because if your ABF is doing what he's supposed to be doing, he's going to change. You don't have to like it, but you certainly have to accept it.

Re: your Masters, that's excellent news. Congratuations and best of luck to you moving foward.

dollbaby115

thank you thank you thank you. one of the hardest thing i ever had to do..

i knew him before he fell into his addiction again i met him when he was clean and everything was great and then 2 years later he started hanging out with the wrong crowd again and had family issues going on which i know are all excuses if he wants to use hell use --- but anyway i mean i guess i got lucky the last month being able to talk to him its just really hard.. everyone is always about the addict and their recovery and i understand that its just very hard to deal with i thought but now i would be over the situation and im not i keep moving forward but i stil think about him constantly

Cathy Elaine

Hi I am in same situation and I’m going crazy. Neither of us knew that they would keep us from all communication. With each other. Seems stupid to me. We are a part of each others lives. Can’t just cut me out of his recovery

edoering

Everyone’s situation is different, and rehab facilities and professionals know that not all relationships in and around an addicts life or healthy. When they go into rehab, often none of what our addicts say or perceive is trustworthy or objective reality. So the professionals might be trying to get him clean and restored to a baseline health level first, before assessing what relationships could be a threat to recovery. I had a very “healthy, loving” relationship with my spouse, but his addiction was still able to turn it into something that he used as a form of self-harm to justify further use and self-hatred and isolation. Even if you are loving and kind, you can still be a source of trauma and danger to your addict loved one.

Additionally, partners of addicts often get “addicted” in a way, to their partners. The feeling of “withdrawal” when a loved one goes into rehab can be brutal and terrifying, but sometimes it can be in our best interests to also catch our breath and get centered in ourselves again.

That being said, not all mental health and addiction facilities are created equal. Just like not all medical care in the states is. There is no perfect, magical facility that can make everything better. But for what it’s worth, if you find it really hard to be “cut off” from someone, it can be useful to check in with yourself to see why that is in your case.