KeepinItReal

I'm trying so hard to focus on the good things - but the bad memories and fear just keep creeping back in my brain.
I still don't trust my husband. I want to trust him - but I don't.
I'm also still angry about the fact that he sold our car. It would be really nice having a back up car. My AC on my car is not working and because I just had to put a clutch in the car I can't afford to fix it.
My husband is working part-time but all of his money is going towards his terrible cigarette habit and his "protein" for the gym. He also spends about $3 per drink for his protein habit. So the contributing he's doing is very limited.

How do I move forward and away from this fear?

It's great having him help me with things that were 100% my responsibility before.. but I just want to view him as an equal and not another child.

jjj111

Sounds like he's not really doing his share, at least financially. What are your boundaries here? Are you willing to be in a relationship where you are the sole bread-winner and support your partner financially? It's really your call!

hopeful4

When your intuition is screaming that things are not right, it will keep getting louder and louder.

He sounds selfish. What actions have you taken about this, and what are you willing to do about it?

XXX

AnvilheadII

this is not an equal partnership! he makes just enough money for smokes and protein drinks (funny i almost typed beer and smokes!). that is NOT contributing. and selling the vehicle - also not cool. did those proceeds go for drugs?

doesn't look like he has really demonstrated to any degree that he is now a responsible productive adult citizen. he sounds completely self centered and immature.

what would HE do if he didn't have YOU to carry the load? think he's kinda taking you for a ride, babe.

zoso77

What Anvil said...

needingabreak

(((Keelingitreal)))))) sounds like you have to worry constantly about money and what he's doing with it? You have enough to worry about with your children, you don't need another. Have you asked yourself what positives come from keeping him around? I always recommend therapy. I cannot emphasize enough how much it can help. Either way it sounds like you are asking the question because your gut is telling you you've had enough. Might be time to reevaluate his "help."

KeepinItReal

I was venting. I'm just frustrated that ALL of his money isn't going towards the big picture. It's annoying. He has no idea what it takes to manage or support a family.
We did have a talk about it yesterday that was good.
He does all the laundry, does the kids pick ups (dr. apts, special events, bday parties... etc) and is totally sober and can have sober regular conversations. Which should and is the normal for MOST couples. So - I do have a lot more free time to walk home from work and get in extra working out - working on me. We do still go to Celebrate Recovery and church every Sunday and i'm not spending anything of my own money on anything for him besides our home. He does contribute for gas but I guess I am frustrated that he is not working full time and is kind of being lazy about it. We spoke and he's not sure in what direction he wants to go yet. So - being patient isn't a good virtue of mine.
So, it's not hurting me that he's home - it's helping me and gets me more free time to do the things I like to do.. I am just frustrated that he's being lazy. Or - that his feel good hobbies cost so much damn money. Again - he has no idea what it takes to run a household. So - he cut his daily "allowance" in half and has agreed to buy discounted products so he can be the one who puts all the gas in the car. Which would be great.

He sold that car last August (almost a year ago) and I still have not gotten past it. I don't think I should. I'm still pissed off about it. Yes, he's gotten better... but that doesn't mean he gets a free pass. Not at all. Yet, I don't want to get even... I just want to be able to forgive him. Very conflicted.

KeepinItReal

Basically my original question wasn't weather to stay with him or if he was pulling his "fair" share... bc he's not. He's more of the stay at home dad type now.. with a PT job. However - How am I suppose to let go of the idea or fear I have of him relapsing??

I was just venting about money. My money issues were worse without him!! I always make it work.

biminiblue

The only way to let go is to do it. Doesn't mean you won't have some trepidation going forward.

Pray for him. Pray for his happiness and health and peace. Pray for his joy. Pray for everything for him that you want for yourself.

jjj111

KIR, just my two cents: it might not be possible to completely stop worrying that he will relapse. It seems like a reasonable fear. Do you feel at least that you will be OK if he relapses? Do you know how you would respond? Maybe thinking that through will give you the peace of mind to turn it over to his HP. He is a package deal: you get companionship and help with childcare from him, and you also get the financial responsibility for keeping the family afloat and the possibility that he will relapse. It sounds like you are OK with that package, so maybe just try to accept that it is what it is?

KeepinItReal

JJJ - you are right. I think thinking it through will really help. Also prayer. But, I know I will be okay. I just am fearful of the missing him part. Then I hold back love. I build a wall. I know i'm doing this.
Thanks for helping.