bellanoviella

I don't know how much time I'll need in his recovery for me to feel comfortable, like I've said, that's something I'm dealing with and will eventually figure out. For now, I'm enjoying the time we have. Whether or not people advise that, I am happy.

If when the time comes that he relapses again and I realize I can not handle it and be with him anymore, then I will make that choice to leave. I know it gets harder to stay the longer you are in it, but I wouldn't be satisfied currently leaving him when he's doing so good. I don't want to be without him right now. If we go down that rocky road again, I'll deal with it then.

He was clean for a year and half before his relapse, so it's not impossible for him to do it again. He was also forced to get clean the first time (drug court), but this time so far he's done it all on his own, it was HIS choice. I would like to think that counts for something.

My issue with my friend not "supporting" me like I expected really stems from a life long friendship we've had that has honestly always been one-sided. I've stuck with her and given support and a shoulder to cry on when she's gone through 2 divorces (she's now going through her 3rd), an abusive relationship she wasn't strong enough to get out of, and just the daily stressors in her life. I have always been her go-to person. I just felt it was unfair the only thing I've ever vented to her about in my entire life, and she gives me nothing but negative advice and she really judged me pretty harshly about it. It would be one thing if she was just being a concerned friend who cares for me, but she was very hurtful and judgmental. ("Don't come to me when he f*cks up again and breaks your heart, I warned you".. Thanks a lot BFF) I've always been the good listener, I just wanted to flip it for once. But, again, I know why she has such strong feelings about it. I really do.

I am not asking for advice on whether I should stay with my addict boyfriend, or not. That is not what I started this thread for.

CaringScared

Bellanoviella, for what it's worth, I've been having troubles with my best friend too. It's not the exact same situation, but he has really begged and pleaded for me to cut my abf out of my life, and as a lot of us know...ultimatums, pleading, etc. don't really help to convince a person, if they feel they're not ready to make a move.

I try to see it from his point of view. I've kind of been a mess lately (it sounds like you've been much stronger than me!). I read somewhere that I could look at it as, crack is attacking him (even though he doesn't know my bf, I think the situation with my bf is radiating out).

It's hard when we can't get what we feel we need from our friends. It can be a cue to step back and let everyone have some space, I think...I don't know, that's what works for me.

bellanoviella

I don't really have that many friends, not one that I feel I can depend on anyway. So I guess it just came as shock to me that when I felt that I really needed someone, and it didn't work out the way I hoped, I was disappointed. I've considered seeing a therapist.. Just to get things off my chest.. And other things, too, besides what's been going on with my boyfriend.

You're right, ultimatums never work! Message me any time you need to talk.

hopeful4

Therapy is an amazing tool as well as support groups such as Celebrate Recovery. Combined they saved my life. I believe every person should have some sort of therapy in their lives!

Good Luck!

bellanoviella

I've never been one for therapy, until recently looking forward to doing some research to see who would be best for me to see.

hopeful4

Good for you! I have went to a couple of different therapists, but eventually who helped me was a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. He did not touch any medications I was on but my therapy with him was invaluable. My only advise would be to give it a try, if you don't click with the person, try a different one until you find one you do click with.

Good Luck! XXX

BlueChair

When I told my close friends about my husbands relapse last year it came as a shock to all of them. I only told my closest friends because they are the ones I knew would be there for me. A couple didnt know anything much about drugs or the whole process but I found it really didnt matter, they didnt need to. They were my friends and what I needed was for them to listen, be willing to learn, evaluate what I was going through and share their own insights, and as friends each one related to me in their own special way.

I think I would question the depth of the friendship you have with this person. It sounds like its more than this one topic causing problems between you. A lot more emotional giving on your side of things. Maybe you could talk to her and explain its not about her opinions really, it about her capacity to listen and provide non judgmental support, put her stuff away for awhile a focus on you.

I have been using counseling since last year and its been good for me. You can talk to someone neutral, share specifics of your life, relationship and not worry about being judged, or directed down a certain path. I was a little scared at first, but now the person feels like a friend and I feel safe there.

Also have to comment, it sounds like you and your BF have a good relationship. My husband and I do too despite the problems and his now being in early recovery with a few ongoing issues. I have recently started learning the Community Reinforcement Family Training program to help me. Its a mix of focus on me and my goals, boundaries and things, but also there is a lot on interacting with my husband, healthy communication and listening all designed to help support recovery. I like it a lot so far.

It sounds like you've been a good friend to this person through many ups and downs. I hope she can open her eyes a little and see she needs to give this kind of support back to you.

bellanoviella

I hope she can open her eyes a little more too, but after a brief conversation we've had today, I don't think there is much of a friendship left between us. We had rarely talked up until the other day, so I think it was just bound to happen. It sucks. It really sucks, we literally grew up together, and I'd say always have been there for each other, but I realize now it was a one way street. There wasn't even anything that happened between us that made us become distant, she just lost focus on her friends. I text her today, to let her know that I will be writing a letter to my dad to get out a lot of frustrations I've had with him, it's been a long time coming, and there's a very long history between us.. I told her what I planned to do because #1 she knows the most out of everyone about the problems I've had with my father, even witnessed some of it, and #2 it was kind of last chance for me to reach out to her looking for support. Her reply was very short and not heartfelt at all. So I'm done.

I should check out the Community Reinforcement Family Training program, it sounds worthwhile.. And I'm looking forward to checking out different therapists in my area.

Thank you for this reply

hopeful4

Sometimes when people get self absorbed into their own lives they become really terrible friends. I am very sorry.

I do encourage you to form friendships in environments that people do understand you. Support groups are a great place for that. I have found some of my most loyal and understanding friends at Celebrate Recovery. The give you the shirt of their back kind of friends.

Face to face support is really important. It's quite common when you are in a relationship with an addict to isolate yourself which is not healthy at all.

Take good care of YOU!

DoubleDragons

I always listen a little more closely to my friends who understand and who have experienced the issue I am working on. My mom is an alcoholic, and most of my friends do not have alcoholic parents, so they don't understand. They try to "soft coat" it for me, making me feel like her drinking in the mornings and coming to family events drunk, are only because she is "stressed out." Admittedly it feels good to pretend along with them, but deep down I know the depths of my mom's problem and I feel much better with people (like the ones here at SR) who have experience with the truth and "say it like it is."

For what it is worth, one of my good friends married a much older man who is also an alcoholic. She told me that her childhood best friend was the only one who wasn't very supportive of her marriage because she was worried for her friend's future and for a while, their friendship was essentially over. Now, my friend is talking to divorce lawyers and is full of pain, anger and regret and she says that she now realizes that the friend that tried to be honest with her from the get-go was the best friend that she ever had.

scheherazade

I don't know how helpful I'll be and I'm sorry if what I'm saying isn't what you want or need to hear. After your reading your post, I can say I think she may have been too harsh in how she worded it, but perhaps not her reaction.

The last time I took my AXBF back, I couldn't tell my closest friends or parents because I knew how they'd react. Many live overseas, so it was easy to hide. When I told them about our recent breakup, there was a lot of support for the move, but a little anger as well that I'd given him another chance at all, or that I'd enterained the idea of a relationship in the first place. Not because they were insensitive to how I felt, but because these are people who really, really, really care about me and watching me grieve and struggle in such difficult circumstances for such little reward is probably hard.

They see things without the haze of love and trust that we can cling to in a relationship. I was like you and said, "When I know it's enough, I'll walk". Tbh, it had to get to way more than my initial breaking point before I walked. I kept setting the bar lower and lower because walking away is like ripping your skin off, and it got harder to do every day I stayed.

I'm not saying walking away is the right choice for you. Your BF is clean, and you say he's taking reasonable steps. I do know, however, that it takes a huge amount of honesty with oneself and one's situation to ensure a relationship with addiction is a relationship that is worth it, ultimately.

I'm still very much in love with AXBF. I still see all the wonderful qualities in him, and I don't know when I'll stop missing the good times, because they were perfect. I wanted to marry the man. However, addiction is a lifelong disease. I had to admit to myself that maybe I'd be fine giving up the idea of children (unfair to put kids in such an unstable situation), and giving up travel (if by myself, how would I know he was staying clean? If together, what happens if he tries to find drugs in a foreign country? Puts himself in danger or gets arrested?) but could I live a life where, very realistically, how long he stayed clean was not a promise, and every time he was a little bit late home, I'd be wondering if he was safe, if he was buying drugs, if he'd OD'd? If I could live a life where someone has numbed their emotions to the point that if something catastrophic happens to us - which happens in life - there's a high possibility he couldn't handle it? Where, should he relapse, if his parents aren't around, I'm going to be the one responsible for medical bills, for bail, for payments for rehab (if I could get him to go) and probably the source for the money he'd be spending on the drugs in the first place? Where it might be that I get to the point where the stress and trauma of loving an addict took it's toll on me and I was no longer the fun-loving, happy person he so loves now, and he moved on to someone else who could provide him with the strength and happiness and huge amount of love and patience he craves?

Ultimately, I had to decide for myself that I can't live life like this. Your friend probably sees these questions, and doesn't feel the love and devotion you feel for your boyfriend, so was caustic in her words. As tough as it was to hear, try and look behind the words and see what she's trying to say. Nobody can make this decision for you, and nobody knows your boyfriend - he sounds great. But this is long, uncertain journey, and it guarantees so much heartache and not so much good. If my friend asked me, I'd advise them to avoid it.

incitingsilence

Honestly I could care less if you leave or stay, the only important thing is that you take care of you. This is a subtle sneaky bit of madness … already on your doorstep.

You are looking at the past, that time he had clean and using it today to gauge things. Well the past is over.
You are justifying how today is different because you think drug court forced him to be clean. Not sure about that one.

Gauging anything on him using or not using really isn’t healthy to begin with. Hell nothing is about him anyway, and that will take time to learn. It must be about what you need and want from this life. You will only get one chance and you don’t get a guarantee either on a tomorrow, so don’t miss anything.

So you are done with your friend … that is your choice.
I hope at least one of these recent conversations was real time face to face … texting is a horrid form of communication and on the phone, well neither way shows the emotion in the other person‘s eyes. Maybe in time she can find a way to heal her past. And I would be grateful to her for at least having the guts to tell you her truth. You may not have wanted to hear it, but that should be respected.