Involuntary commitment...trying to save my son's life
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thats a good sign. In my eyes any step thatis a step forward counts. Give him to god, pray for him, encourage him, and continue to live your own life with the peace of knowing he knows you love him.
Hugs!!!
Hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
It's so important that he is doing this on his own...maybe with a bit of assistance. No matter what he has to want this....for him.
I struggle with "not speaking" with my son also. Our conversation mostly revolve around what he is doing. He got out of detox recently and chose not to go to the inpatient that was set up...he will do it "his way." Hasn't really worked before....
The hard part is to make it their business and not ours. You see it goes against our mothering instincts to protect and care for them. However, when they are adults and don't want out help or want to do it their way....there is nothing to offer.
I often go to my canned responses...."oh that sounds good" or "I wish you the best" or "i bet that was scary." What else can I say? I have tried warning, lecturing, advising, and convincing and it hasn't worked for me either.
Hang in there...he is taking some steps. One of the things that I have to work on is providing encouragement when my son does take a good step. Often I overlook it as the big picture seems so grim.
I struggle with "not speaking" with my son also. Our conversation mostly revolve around what he is doing. He got out of detox recently and chose not to go to the inpatient that was set up...he will do it "his way." Hasn't really worked before....
The hard part is to make it their business and not ours. You see it goes against our mothering instincts to protect and care for them. However, when they are adults and don't want out help or want to do it their way....there is nothing to offer.
I often go to my canned responses...."oh that sounds good" or "I wish you the best" or "i bet that was scary." What else can I say? I have tried warning, lecturing, advising, and convincing and it hasn't worked for me either.
Hang in there...he is taking some steps. One of the things that I have to work on is providing encouragement when my son does take a good step. Often I overlook it as the big picture seems so grim.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Hey~ another mom here, also dealing with the chaos and heartbreak that ensue from having a child with substance, mental, character and physical problems. Like your son, my son also has a multitude of issues, and some of those issues (especially the physical ones) have kept us from doing what needed to be done, for a long, long time.
Detaching from the day-to-day drama of his situation is really hard but in my view, if we don't do it, there will be multiple casualties here (my health, my husband's health, my other kids' psychological well-being and oh did I mention my marriage?). I know exactly, down to the letter, the ruinous impact that dealing with a kid like that has on a marriage. Like you, it's down to God's grace and that only, that our marriage didn't capsize long ago.
It might also be, and I've noticed this with my son, that when they are with us, their parents, somehow it is so easy for them to fall back into their same old patterns of resentment and behavior. Sometimes I think, no matter how much we care and want to help, in a weird way we "are" part of the problem, because we become sort of the focus or the lightning rod for everything our kids feel is wrong with their lives. They can tell themselves, well if it weren't for my terrible parents, I'd be getting my life together - who could expect anyone to get better living with them?? It's when we set them free to deal on their own, to interact with other people who maybe don't have that same level of care and protectiveness, that they seem to be able to see things more clearly. Does that make any sense to you?
Your last post had some hopeful signs, although I know that you, as do I, will temper your hope with a realistic acknowledgement of the history. I've learned not to get "too" hopeful because that's actually the saddest and hardest part, to nurture that hope and then have it dashed. I think better for both of us to get to a place of acceptance no matter what, rather than being on a cycle of being hopeful and then not.
Hope I'm not being too much of a bummer! I just wanted to let you know how much I identify with and share and empathize with everything you're going through.
Jane
Detaching from the day-to-day drama of his situation is really hard but in my view, if we don't do it, there will be multiple casualties here (my health, my husband's health, my other kids' psychological well-being and oh did I mention my marriage?). I know exactly, down to the letter, the ruinous impact that dealing with a kid like that has on a marriage. Like you, it's down to God's grace and that only, that our marriage didn't capsize long ago.
It might also be, and I've noticed this with my son, that when they are with us, their parents, somehow it is so easy for them to fall back into their same old patterns of resentment and behavior. Sometimes I think, no matter how much we care and want to help, in a weird way we "are" part of the problem, because we become sort of the focus or the lightning rod for everything our kids feel is wrong with their lives. They can tell themselves, well if it weren't for my terrible parents, I'd be getting my life together - who could expect anyone to get better living with them?? It's when we set them free to deal on their own, to interact with other people who maybe don't have that same level of care and protectiveness, that they seem to be able to see things more clearly. Does that make any sense to you?
Your last post had some hopeful signs, although I know that you, as do I, will temper your hope with a realistic acknowledgement of the history. I've learned not to get "too" hopeful because that's actually the saddest and hardest part, to nurture that hope and then have it dashed. I think better for both of us to get to a place of acceptance no matter what, rather than being on a cycle of being hopeful and then not.
Hope I'm not being too much of a bummer! I just wanted to let you know how much I identify with and share and empathize with everything you're going through.
Jane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Tucson
Posts: 86
I am so sorry this has happened. My daughter has a very similar story, talented, smart, good student, but also with similar mental/behavior issues. Then at 15 she took her first sip of alcohol and it was all over. I have tried to have her committed involuntarily too, but they always discharge her saying she will agree to treatment on her own (rather than being court ordered) b/c she does agree and then she never follows through and we are back at square one or worse.
I know it is frustrating about what you wanted and what your husband did (by letting your son go), but Im sure your husband only did what he thought was right. I have learned no matter what we do... nothing works, until he/she is ready.
Right now, my daughter is living in another city, sofa surfing and basically being homeless. I have had to distance myself aside from the occasional check ins (via text or facebook) to make sure she is still alive.
I know it is frustrating about what you wanted and what your husband did (by letting your son go), but Im sure your husband only did what he thought was right. I have learned no matter what we do... nothing works, until he/she is ready.
Right now, my daughter is living in another city, sofa surfing and basically being homeless. I have had to distance myself aside from the occasional check ins (via text or facebook) to make sure she is still alive.
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