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Old 06-15-2014, 09:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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SOS. Advice needed.


I'm 26 years old and currently living with my 35 year old boyfriend.
We've been together for a few years now.
Before we started dating I knew he would do cocaine every once in a while, I told him I wouldn't be able to date him if this is a habit he wanted to continue, he told me he didn't do it that often so it wasn't a problem and that he quit.
A few months later we went to a friends wedding, I noticed later in the night he was high and he denied it then later admit that he had done some coke because he was too drunk and wanted to balance himself out.
He promised me that would be the last time.
A few months later he started getting into the habit of staying out til 7 in the morning "drinking" without telling me where he was or that he'd be out that late. This started putting a huge strain on our relationship and we decided to make a 4am curfew. Since then everything has been great until last week we got into an argument. He stayed out and didn't come home until 11:30am. While he was stumbling his words he said "I need help. I have a serious alcohol and drug problem". I let him sleep so he could sober up and we could talk properly when he was awake. He told me everytime he goes out and drinks he has a need to do coke. He says he's at his breaking point and had to finally say it out loud because he couldn't keep trying to fix it himself. I'm proud of him for telling me, I know it must have taken a lot of courage. He has since then gone to an NA meeting and I am going to a support group tomorrow.
I guess I'm just looking to find out how I can completely support him. I love him and want to work on things, it breaks my heart to see him like this. Our relationship is great in every other aspect, I know these things take time but I'm not sure what my role is here. I feel completely isolated and that there's this huge emptiness between us.
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Old 06-15-2014, 09:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to the Board. I'm really glad you found us. Others will be by to greet you and to give you feedback on your situation, but I'd like to say a couple of things, too.

Your primary question is how do you support your ABF during this period of time. I would answer that question by pointing out that you've already been tolerant towards him. It is entirely possible that he's been doing coke all this time. And the times you've "caught" him, you've merely given him a slap on the wrist.

I'm more interested in how we can support you as opposed to how you can help your ABF.

Towards that end, I would encourage you to read the sticky notes on the top of our home page, especially one titled "What Addicts Do". I encourage you to read and learn as much as you can. Knowledge is power, and it may indeed save your sanity.

Hang in there. We're here for you.
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A measure of a life is a
Measure of love and respect
So hard to earn, so easily burned
In the fullness of time
A garden to nurture and protect

-- Rush, "The Garden"
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Old 06-15-2014, 10:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I've broken up with him in the past and each time he went about a month without drinking or using, which I saw at the time as a valid effort.
He has fully admit that he has been using this whole time, at first I got angry and felt completely betrayed. But I'm at the point where I want to help him, I want to support him. Isn't that what love is all about? When you have relationship issues you build and work on them. Not just throw in the towel because times are tough.
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Old 06-15-2014, 10:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome Confused.

I honestly believe that from all I have heard here in SR land, the best thing you can do, for him, is to take care of yourself. to go to meetings, and to let go of control of him. The things you learn, your toolkit, will give you what you need to survive, whether he gets into real recovery or not. There is nothing you can do to fix him, but there is a lot you can learn about addiction, and about codependency, which can make your life a living he!! while you may think you are helping.

meetings, reading the stickies here. and a book Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty, is amazing. Its about how to live your life, and not let anyone who is addicted/alcoholic ruin yours. You will need to know this stuff. Whether things work out or not.

If you keep your eyes only on him, it could happen that you will be whipped about like on a roller coaster, with no time to catch your breath. focus on you and taking care that you get the kind of life YOU want to be living.

big hugs, its rough.
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Old 06-15-2014, 11:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
But I'm at the point where I want to help him, I want to support him. Isn't that what love is all about? When you have relationship issues you build and work on them. Not just throw in the towel because times are tough.
When we love someone -- whether it's a SO, a friend, a sibling, a parent, a child -- our first inclination is, yes, we want to help them. And you have the best of intentions.

But if loving someone was enough when faced with someone's addiction, then support groups like this one and Al Anon/Nar Anon wouldn't exist.

Some of the most heartbreaking, and illuminating, stories you'll read about here are parents dealing with addicted children. And some of the things these parents have had to do in order to protect themselves are, on the face of it, unthinkable.

What you're up against is a powerful, malevolent monster. And there are times that love, simply, isn't enough.

My hope for you is you stick around and learn as much as you can so that regardless of what happens with you and your ABF, you'll be OK.
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A measure of a life is a
Measure of love and respect
So hard to earn, so easily burned
In the fullness of time
A garden to nurture and protect

-- Rush, "The Garden"
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Old 06-15-2014, 12:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Confused.

I cant write much right now because Im on my way out for the day. My husbands drug is cocaine, bad problem with it last year but doing better now. Its good your BF admitted the problem and is willing to ask for help. There are different things friends and family can do to be supportive all while continuing to take care of themselves. Im giving you a link, realize its says here its a parents guide but it will lead you to the Partners Guide too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ide-craft.html
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