mejo

I have been doing pretty good lately. Until today. I decided I had not heard from my AH. So, being stupid I went to our house, thinking I would probably find him dead. Nope. He was in the garage, his truck was torn down, parts everywhere. I took one look at him and saw him for the first time looking like death warmed over. I lost it. Started screaming hateful things. "You are nothing but a f****ing POS junkie!" And worse. He made me go inside with him so the neighborhood did not hear me loosing it.

The thing that floors me is that he acts like this is all on me. That Al Anon is supposed to "train" me to live with this s***. He said I am supposed to be working on me, not him. BS!!! I am so sick of him turning it around. I am tired of his freaking pity party. I am so mad. I know that I have taken a step back in my recovery, but sometimes I cannot contol the venom that comes out of my mouth.

I told him the person I was screaming at was not my husband, just a vessel. I hate him!!!! I hate him so much!!! I hate that he is such a weak.... what ever. Thanks for the vent session.

BlueBones

Yikes. I had a blow out like this with my SO before he left for rehab on Monday. He had spent part of our rent money and I was furious. I said a lot of mean things I shouldn't have and tore him down, which wasn't what I wanted to do. My blow up didn't help anyone and even worse, he didn't even fight back. It was pointless. It is so hard to act in a way that is conducive to recovery when you are overwhelmed with anger. Unfortunately, it seems to be a normal feeling. Try to focus on the positive steps you are taking to improve YOUR life as an individual.

Hoping you are feeling a little better soon. Take care of yourself.

bellanoviella

I don't necessarily have any advice for you, but I guess that isn't the point of your venting post. However, I can relate to you.. I also get SO ANGRY.. I say mean and hurtful things because at the time I don't know any other way to get out how I'm feeling. Last night when my boyfriend came home, I suspected him of being high (not any more, but earlier in the day) because of the bags under his eyes.. I asked him and he denied it, and was quite upset that I would question him because of how good he'd been doing lately. I didn't believe his lie, so I pounded my fist on the table and repeated ARE. YOU. F*CKING. GETTING. HIGH!? one pound for each word.. Come to find out a little later, he wasn't high, so I apologized.. BUT.. at the time, I have no other way to deal with it then to throw all my anger at him. I'm sure there is a different approach we should be taking, but it's hard watching someone you used to love/still love be someone that they are not. Just know you are not alone!

mejo

Thank you. Yeah, he did not fight back much either. I am sick of the lies. The " I'm not high!" But there is powder under their nose. I am not freaking stupid. Why do they treat us like we are? If the signs are there, their high! Why don't they just come out and say it? Get to the fight, or consequences and be done with it. Why must they make us feel like we are loosing our minds or being a-holes? Why is it so worth it to them? I am just pissed. Mad that he cant respect me enough to just say it. They know what the future holds. Just get it done and over with.

Still mad, as you can tell. Lol

Smas

Hi Mejo,

I've was reading your previous posts to understand your situation. Why is it wrong that you spoke the truth about your husband to him? Doesn't he need to hear it? Or is that against anon process? Most of the nonsense that was happening in my house stopped when I went directly to my sister since no one else was saying anything. It only returned when my family began enabling even further that any opposition was shutdown.

needingabreak

I'm sorry mejo that you are so angry and frustrated. While it may not be what we as loved ones are supposed to do, we do need an outlet for our feelings. I can't tell you how many times I would be so angry at my son's weakness and what I felt was lack of really trying or caring what he was doing to everyone else around him. While it is true yelling at them doesn't help, it does get our feelings and point across when we can no longer hold it in. Personally I am not a big advocate of always treating addicts with kid gloves. Sometimes they need to see how their addiction affects us.
Now that you've gotten it out of your system for a bit, the important thing is what can you now do to make things easier on yourself? Are you doing anything for yourself that can help with the anger, hurt and frustration? Do you have a therapist or group where you can talk about your feelings and get feedback?
Are you living apart? Do you have a plan in place?
I found taking control over what I could really helped me. Realizing I couldn't change him and only myself got me in the right frame of mind to take most of the focus off of him and onto myself. Praying for you!

Ann

When I get that angry I need to take pause and calm down enough to "act" and choose my words rather than "react" which does nothing except upset me more and makes "me" look like the crazy person.

I am/was a redhead, calming down does not come easy to me. It takes practice and it's really hard to do sometimes, but it's better than negating what I am trying to say by spewing it out in anger.

My sponsor told me something that helped me with this...People listen more attentively to a whisper than a shout.

She was right, nobody "listens" to what an angry shouting woman is saying and they don't hear the message. Words spoken calmly and with control are taken far more seriously by the recipient of the message.

That said, sometimes I need to take a walk or remove myself from the situation before I can calm myself enough to refrain from shrieking.

Taking a step back is sometimes what we need to do to balance our footing. Don't beat yourself up, it's what we all do at one time or another.

Hugs

Vale

I used to write long 'nuclear grade' communications tearing at the
core of her being......everything from her limited gifts to her lack of
attainment in the world. The most destructive and hurtful things
I could possibly say.....

.....but I never sent them. If it would have done any good, I would have
done so in a second.

It doesn't. The only thing that works is removing one's self from the
situation...........in a timely manner.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8kR1Za6mO0

(be the second test dummy.....not the first!)

-When it's time to leave......don't dally. It could be fatal.

mejo

Yeah, he needed to hear it. Probably not what a pos I think he is today, but the rest he needed to hear. I am just at my end. Three months ago I was ready to end my life and ended up hospitalized. Ten years of of bs wears on a person, and I am a pretty stong person. I put up with no bs from ANYONE but I have always taken it from him. I have never cared what anyone thinks about me, but he got to me and pulled me in and kept me there for a long time. Years passed by and I started to withdrawal from everyone around me. Thinking the same bs that we all do...if only I love him more. I lost myself. He went to treatment after I checked out of the hospital, but something about me was different. My therapist was scared for me, worried I had finally snapped. When he got out of treatment, I still did not believe anything he said. He was irritating me constantly. I took my kids and moved in with my mother. Not a good feeling. I have tried to find myself again, and I am doing a damn good job at it, but I fail at times. I let it build up inside me. Therapists have told me that the first six months is hell, they may slip, but they may finally get it. I want my husband, just like everyone else, I am not immune. However, I am cold toward him when I see him. Can't get away from him fast enough because I dont want to be lied to and hurt anymore. I don't sit around and cry all day. I am numb. He knows this, and he is using me and my choices to stay in his addiction. Well, screw that. He told me the other day "I don't want you to cry anymore" to which I said "I dont want you to be an active addict anymore, but want in one hand and s*** in the other and see which one fills up faster". Then I went inside. He still does nice things for me, but I do not express gratitude becuase it is fake. He is fake.

Sorry, I am usually not this sour. I dont mean to bring anyone down. I would love to hear from you guys and your stories of frustration, if anyone wants to share or feels like getting stuff of their chest in a more appropriate setting than at their addict. Lol

mejo

Thank you. Today I am watching Supernatural on Netflix. I love that show! I have homework to do and laundry, but I cant seem to make myself do those things right now. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day and its all mine!! Lol

mejo

Thanks Ann, and it is even worse yelling or even saying those things in a whisper to a person who is high at the time. Gets you nowhere, I would have been better off screaming at a brick wall. Lol And acually, I feel somewhat bad, but not enough yet to apologize. I hate being lied to. Hate it.

Ann

Oh yeah, the old "trying to reason with insanity" conversation.

Nope, not me not any more. I don't talk to anyone drunk or high, I have nothing they want to hear anyway and it saves me oxygen.

mejo

Lol!!! Thank you. I needed that. And yes, second dummy for sure! Haha!

mejo

So he sent me an e-mail (what is this 2005? Geeze) anyway, I read it and replied back to him that I was sorry, I can't watch you kill yourself because I love you too much and some other stuff lol! Anyway, this situation sucks, but I guess it could be so much worse. Keeping my distance while he's high.

bellanoviella

Yeah, you sound exactly like me!! Just tell me the truth, get it over with, I'm NOT an idiot! How dumb do you think I really look?? But I guess lying is in the addicts nature

mejo

Yep, exactly. It makes serenity hard.

zoso77

I'm going to have to remember that one. That's a good one.

Here's a little story for you.

Before I got trained in Al Anon to live with that sh*t, I had an incredibly frustrating and infuriating phone conversation with my then AGF. And my blood was boiling. Man, when I think about how angry I got, it scares me. But when I hung up the phone, I decided to take my anger out on a guitar. So I grabbed a guitar that I hated, never used, went outside, and pulled a Pete Townshend on the thing. Just destroyed it.

But it occured to me that if I truly didn't have any control, I would have taken any guitar and smashed it. Maybe my Gibson Doubleneck? Or my Jackson PC1? No, I chose to destroy a piece of sh*t guitar.

In other words, I had awareness and control over my anger enough to grab something I didn't care about. I didn't have to destroy anything. I chose to.

So when you spew venom out of your mouth, you're making a choice. You're giving yourself permission to mouth off.

Mind you, being pissed isn't the issue. You've got every right to be pissed. But when you give yourself permission to mouth off, you're hurting yourself more than you're hurting him. And you don't need to feel any more pain than you already do.

In my case, fast forward about 3 months to the day my AXGF dumped me for a guy in the program via text message (and a picture of her and the new guy) and her confession that she f**ked other men behind my back. I guess after my Al Anon training, I was able to simply text her "Goodbye, God Bless".

And that was the last time I knowingly and willingly communicated with her. I could have gone off on her, but what would that accomplish? Nothing.

You need to take care of you. You need to make yourself a priority. Start now.

With Respect,
ZoSo

mejo

You are so right. And up until today..and occasionally other times in the last three months, I try not to belittle him. I tell myself I don't like it when he does it to me, so why do it to him. I guess my next step in recovery is compassion. I think that will help me in all my relationships including the one with myself.

P.S. I think your story really hit home with me. Thank you.

zoso77

NP, Mejo. Be safe.

ZoSo

chicory

Mejo,
sounds like you have a lot of built up anger..understandably so. It feels good to let it out, but its nice if we can do it in a way that does not make us feel too guilty afterwards.

we are human, we just cannot always make the best choices, especially when we are so hurt and tired, and overloaded with the whole thing.

we live and learn. You'll probably do better next time. I hope some of it shocked some sense into him...I say that with compassion.