barefoottoday

Right now things should be good. My bf is sober and working and our home is peaceful. I'm going to Al-Anon meetings and have a small but solid core of friends and family I can talk to. Things are generally ok on the outside.

I'm having problems with myself I guess. Since going to Al-Anon regularly, I'm doing a lot of self reflection. Generally this had been good but the last few days, not so much. I'm getting depressed, like really depressed. I also have moments throughout the day when I'm sort of ok. I'm depressed because I feel like I'm really facing all these flaws about myself, some that I thought I had taken care of long ago!

I realized that I really am more dependent on being loved by an other or others than I thought. My bf has been withdrawn from me lately...he's says he's adjusting to the new dynamic in our relationship. Not sure what exactly he is referring to, but I can sort of get that. However, I realized it brings back up all my feelings of not being good enough, of feeling like any little mistake I make-anywhere, not just in our relationship-defines me as a f##k up. That my presence in this world really doesn't matter because nothing I do really makes a difference and what does any of this world even matter anyways?! The last time I felt like this I was about 17, living with my grandparents, mom smoking crack and robbing banks and not part of my life, and I'd just dumped my first boyfriend. I've been a pretty positive person since I got past that part of my l life, it's something people comment on often, my quick smile and positive attitude. But those things are kind of fading out.

I don't want to lose that joy I have had for so long, the wonder I had for things, feeling l like I could brighten people's days. And I feel like much of the loss of that comes from me really looking at myself and my behaviors and trying to be healthy...but that makes no sense!

Can anyone relate to this?

Lovenjoy

oh barefoot i so relate! when i started my recovery i was so encouraged and starting to feel well again then... it was like a black hole opened up and i couldn't cope. i wrote this on a thread and received a lot of input:

"I am really struggling. Not functioning well at work or at home. It is strange because as messed up as I was emotionally before I recognized I was codependent I did not have these problems of focus at work and with everyday responsibilities. I'm kinda scared as I do not know what is going on. I am working a program of recovery. Granted it is new but I am so committed and ready to heal. Yet here I am. A basket case. Really falling apart. Looked up PTSD today 'cause this feels really extreme to me. I'm really not wallowing in it, yet it's there and overwhelms me out of nowhere. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. Maybe professional therapy is in order?" (counseling? thread of mine in march)

so yes i really relate. for me getting into counseling with a psychologist really broke me out of the downward spiral. why it occurs when we are finally taking care of ourselves is still a mystery but i think it has to do with processing things that we lived through but never addressed emotionally. not just experiences with our addicts (mine is my son) but things which may have built up over our lives. becoming self aware and wanting to heal... i guess we really can't just heal bits and pieces, we now are at a place in our lives to really heal on all levels.

i'm really glad you do alanon, it's awesome and i have made really wonderful connections while learning so much. have you read Melody Beattie's Codependant No More? great read. you mention your mom. my dad was an alcoholic and i grew up with much chaos so a lot has come up that i didn't deal with before that has impacted my serenity. and no, it hasn't been traumatic to deal with in therapy - not dealing with my past emotions i think was at the core of my... collapse? and i started stabilizing almost immediately! maybe simply the act of seriously putting myself first and taking action?

individual counseling along with alanon, readings and SR has got me to a place of stability and my joy is back! your ability to live in joy hasn't gone away barefoot, it just wants us to unload the things that no longer serve us. imho. if counseling is an option i would encourage that. no matter what, taking care of yourself is the single most important thing. truly. so glad you have reached out here! doing it alone doesn't work, learned that the hard way!

sending hugs and good thoughts and encouragement your way. i'm sure many here will be along to help - they have been a blessing to me.

zoso77

Barefoot...

The only time I beat myself up is looking back at choices I've made, and even then, it's not like I beat the crap out of myself too harshly. I simply cringe, followed by saying something like, "What were you thinking?"

The good news, for you, is that you are reflecting. A lot of people don't, or won't, because it's too hard. But the goal is to learn from what we've done and to get honest about why we've made the choices we've made.

Remember: progress, not perfection.

barefoottoday

Lovenjoy, thank you for sharing that. I thought I had dealt with a lot of the feelings and negativity I had when I was younger...my mom is an addict/alcoholic, in recovery now but she relapsed quite a few times over my life. Growing up, I was always a perfectionist and always felt like I was never good enough. I didn't get along with my step dad, he's an alcoholic but has been sober for like 40 years now (since before I was born). I didn't meet my dad til I was 19. We're friends now. He's not an addict or anything. I always feared being abandoned as a kid. But like I said, I thought I dealt with all that. It's hard to accept that I didn't, must not have, or I wouldn't feel like this.

Therapy would probably be a good idea, not sure if my insurance covers it. I'm hoping I can work through this, and if I don't, I know I'll need professional help.

Maybe I thought this would be easier, I'm pretty open to reflecting and working on changing. I know I don't want to feel like this!

Zoso, I'm disappointed in myself for not being more accepting of progress over perfection!

zoso77

Here's a golf story for you.

I was playing this past Sunday, and I was hitting an approach shot to a green guarded by water on a par 5. My first attempt was awful; way right, into the woods. I deduce my alignment must have been way off.

Next attempt...alignment was good, but I hit it too far.

Next attempt...on the green but way to the right of the pin. But I'm on the green and at least I have a putt, even if it's a 60 footer.

So, I made a mess of that hole.

How did I respond?

Shot par the next three holes.

When you're recovering from something, the story is not how badly you've fallen. It's about what you do when you get up.

Remember that.

Lovenjoy

this is an awesome outlook barefoot! the thing is it is ongoing and some times are easier than others... it took me awhile to know that self realization, self actualization doesn't have an end, a good that's done scenario and i am growing more comfortable with that. it's becoming a way of life and being open to new lessons and ways to serenity has become an almost magical part of the journey... it's not always hard! mostly it's quite enjoyable!

Chino

From where I sit, it looks like your bf's relapse was a trigger for your relapse.

How can you protect yourself from that happening again? How can you protect your son from the same fate?

jjj111

How long has your boyfriend been sober? I think many here have found that the pain of dealing with addiction does not go away because the addict manages a few days or even months of sobriety. And if your Mom went back and forth, then I imagine that would make you feel even less confident that his sobriety will last. My parents were both alcoholics, and I found when I dated a cocaine addict a few years ago that dealing with his chaos brought back some emotional trauma from my childhood--that terrified, trapped feeling was so familiar! The good news is that we are adults now, and we can protect ourselves in a way that wasn't possible when we were children.

barefoottoday

Chino, you nailed it because that is exactly the realization I came to. It's like this last relapse "activated" something in me...old feelings and behaviors just seemed to take over. I realize my actions in the past were not helpful to me at all, and I feel grateful that it didn't take me too long to realize that now.

Zoso, you're right, just because I took a bad fall, made mistakes, doesn't make me a horrible, worthless screw up. I can get up and make changes so that it doesn't happen again...or at least I won't spend as much time hating myself for "messing up" the next time I do, I can acknowledge it and work on improving.

jjj, he's got two days sober today. Had a week before Friday. The longest he has gone while we have been together was 5 months. Before we were together he said his longest period of sobriety was almost a year. His relapses had been like a day until this last one, which lasted like 3 weeks or so. After the first few days of it, I just lost my sh*t. I finally told him to leave, and it got even worse. It wasn't until I was able to somewhat mentally and emotionally remove myself (and him being physically gone from our house helped) that I started to think more clearly and stopped acting like a lunatic. Oddly enough, even though he didn't stop using immediately, our relationship got better. Eventually he came back home. He hasn't been sober every day. But I'm not letting that make me crazy. I'm working on me and figuring out what I want, how I want to live, and doing my best to let go of trying to control what I cannot.

And I do worry about what my son is learning here. He probably sees more than I think, but I have made sure he wasn't here, for example, when I told my bf to leave. We don't ever yell or get violent, though of course there is tension. I told him my bf has a disease, much like his father (an alcoholic who hasn't really been in his life in 10 years). I want him to learn healthy things! I want him to see me making good choices. And I want him to feel safe and loved. He and my bf had a pretty good relationship going (that was sooo important to me) and now it just seems like it's kind of on hold, just not as much interaction between the 2 of them. Understandable right now, but how many times will that happen, how will it make my son feel?

So much to think about and learn but I feel so fortunate to be able to learn! I'm grateful for SR too, I can't say enough times how awesome the people are here.

hopeful4

Wow do I ever understand this. I really struggled when I did a step study because it was such an in depth look at myself and made me realize I had a lot of unresolved issues.

However, on the brighter side, I dealt with those issues at that time, and put in enough work to realize I had to come to terms with all of it, and let it go. The resentments and anger I was carrying around, even ones about myself, was like carrying bricks around on your shoulders. At each point I had to ask myself what good was it doing for me to carry this around any longer.

You can only focus on the past for so long. There comes a point that you simply have to look at the goals for your future and how to carry those out in a peaceful and happy way.

Be proud of yourself as you are doing some hard work.

We are here for you!

bellanoviella

Thinking of you barefoot!