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Old 06-09-2014, 06:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Am I enabling my cocaine addicted husband


Hi.

I am a recovering alcoholic sober 5 1/2 years one dat at a time married to a cocaine addict. I knew my husband for four years before we married. We had been friends with no romantic involvement. We dated briefly and married a year and a half ago. During the time we were friends he spoke of being an alcoholic but I was unaware of his crack cocaine addiction. He was 2 years sober when I married him. Several months into our marriage he went out - smoked crack. I learned the truth then along with the frightening revelation that he had been in and out of the program of AA 25 times. He has used four more times since. This last 40 days of sobriety he went to meetings daily and talked to his sponsor regularly.

I just feel so disappointed sad and angry. I know he is sick but the lies and deceit are killing any trust. I am so lost with how to deal with this. I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. I really don't feel that anything has changed. I don't think it helps that he just comes right home and nothing changes for him. I just don't know how to deal with him. I hate hoe he just acts remorseful but otherwise like all is fine.

I would love any experience strength and hope you might want to share.

Thank you
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Old 06-09-2014, 08:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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It's hard to tell if you are enabling your husband...with what you wrote.

However, when you love someone and are trying to figure this out....it's VERY common that you end up enabling. I did.

I have to say...my husband was sober for about 12 years. We were married about 1 1/2 years ago. About 4 months into our marriage, he relapsed. I knew something was up but excused it to other reason. I figured it out after he was using for about 4 months. Once I figured it out, and asked for a drug test. He was promptly kicked out.

I was done enabling anyone in my life. You see I have 2 young adult children that have put me through the process of detaching for the last 5 years (due to their drug use.) I knew that whatever I did, for them, NEVER ONCE DID IT HELP. Not once.

My husband didn't stand a chance. I was done enabling anyone much less my PARTNER. The one that I was ALSO supposed to depend on. It wasn't a one-sided street.

Two weeks after I kicked him out...I was waiting for something to change. My tolerance was low. I had the attitude of "life is too short." I told him "the pain is to much to wait for you to change. I will be taking action (divorce) tomorrow. He had reasons for not getting help. I was used to hearing those from my kids. Mind you, while he is using, my son is in rehab. My husband knew the H*ll that my kids put my through. Nothing changes until something changes.

I no longer cared about HIS reasons. The next day, I received a phone call, from him. He went into his work HR and told them "i have a problem." The rest of the story. He went to rehab and is currently in recovery.

He states "I picked up where I left off...12 years ago." He knew where he was headed. The cycle had already begun when I kicked him out. He knew that he would lose his job and probably his life as he is not the 20-30 year he once was...

It doesn't always go this way. I do know that I HAD to protect myself. It wasn't about love.
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Old 06-09-2014, 09:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you for your reply. I haven't ever posted about this. I guess I was a little vague. I just wonder since the only consequences of his hiding money and lying about going to work and using are me being upset and pulling away from him if it just makes it easy for him to continue. I know desperation is a big motivator. I was really desperate when I found the 12 step program and I still always remember that feeling each day. When he still has a nice comfortable home and I continue to take care of everything here I guess I just think maybe I'm keeping him from reaching his bottom with his addiction.

I find it nearly impossible to be supportive of him, too because I have such a terrible time respecting someone who lies to me all of the time. Truthfully I am also afraid for him to leave and that he will die out there. I know that's ridiculous because he continues to use when he is here anyway. I wonder if there is any hope at all. I just don't believe anything he says anymore.
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Old 06-10-2014, 07:50 AM   #4 (permalink)
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It is very likely that reaching bottom can be a long process...especially when they are so comfortable.

Littlemama.....I have also had that fear and still do about my kids dead or worse. However, they can still die at any point even if they are living with me or not. It is the hardest thing you can do is to let go. However, there is NO way to protect them from themselves.

It took me awhile to figure this out. I guess I was getting sick myself and tired of everything being about them.

You will know when the time comes...keep getting some support in healthy places!
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Old 06-10-2014, 08:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Right now who's sobriety is more important- yours or you focusing on his?

Your relationship is built on lies, trust is always the foundation of any relationship. That is missing in your relationship and may take years and years to gain. Do you want to wait years and year?

You mention his remorse is not meeting up to what you expect it to be, what are your expectations of how he should be showing remorse?
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Old 06-10-2014, 02:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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it seems you were sold a bill of goods when you married this guy. he pretended to be one thing, and then shortly after the I Do's morphed into another. there were things about himself he did not reveal - kind of big important things like crack addiction and being in and out of the AA program for a LONNNNNG time. it's even doubtful he really had two solid years of unbroken sobriety when you married.

which all means you most likely have grounds for an annullment if it gets to the point where you just want OUT.

There are various legal grounds that must be shown before an annulment can be obtained by a married couple. In general, to get an annulment, you will have to show at least one of the following reasons:

There was fraud or misrepresentation. This could mean that one spouse lied about his or her ability to reproduce, misrepresented his or her age, or did not explain that they could not get legally married because they were still in a prior marriage.

One spouse concealed something from the other. This could mean that one spouse did not inform the other of an addiction of some sort (drugs/alcohol/sex), a prior felony conviction or jail time, involvement in a violent gang, an ongoing criminal activity, a sexually transmitted disease or other health factor.

Inability or refusal to consummate the marriage. This speaks for itself and refers to the inability or refusal of one spouse to have sexual intercourse with the other.

A simple but large misunderstanding. One of the most common reasons for an annulment is a misunderstanding that one spouse wants to have children while the other does not.

- See more at: FAQ Regarding Separation and Annulment Law - FindLaw
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