Cheating in AA

Old 06-09-2014, 10:57 AM
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Cheating in AA

My boyfriend of over a year, who has relapsed several times with crack/cocaine, has cheated multiple times, one of which was with a woman in AA about 4 months ago. I found over a text message and ended the relationship. He managed to weasel his way back into my life about a month or so later of not taking his calls etc; I ended up taking him back because I do truly love him. Shortly after he had relapsed again, and now he is taking his sobriety serious. He moved in with his sponsor across town, and started going to another meeting close by to where he lives. He is not happy with the meeting and wants to go back to the old meeting he has been going to for years, which in my opinion, hasn't worked since he has relapsed during these meetings. His sponsor said he should go back to that meeting, but I am having a HUGE problem with the fact that the girl he cheated with attends. I asked him to find another meeting (there are many here in town) and he REFUSES to do so. I am about to pull the plug on the relationship, but I needed advice about this if I am making the right moved, or if I am just being unreasonable. His past history leads me to believe that he could in fact jump right back in to with her, and I will be left more hurt than ever. This has been an extremely difficult year, and I am about to quit the roller coaster ride. Advice anyone?
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Old 06-09-2014, 11:02 AM
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If he is going to cheat, nothing you say or "require" will stop him - you know that right?

If he wants this girl, you aren't stopping that either.

I dunno. Cheating is a dealbreaker in my world. Some people get past that but I never have been able to do that. Regardless of his sobriety (which you feel is threatened?) I would call it quits over the cheating.

But that's me.
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Old 06-09-2014, 11:29 AM
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Originally Posted by mnicot View Post
My boyfriend of over a year, who has relapsed several times with crack/cocaine, has cheated multiple times, one of which was with a woman in AA about 4 months ago. I found over a text message and ended the relationship. He managed to weasel his way back into my life about a month or so later of not taking his calls etc; I ended up taking him back because I do truly love him. Shortly after he had relapsed again, and now he is taking his sobriety serious. He moved in with his sponsor across town, and started going to another meeting close by to where he lives. He is not happy with the meeting and wants to go back to the old meeting he has been going to for years, which in my opinion, hasn't worked since he has relapsed during these meetings. His sponsor said he should go back to that meeting, but I am having a HUGE problem with the fact that the girl he cheated with attends. I asked him to find another meeting (there are many here in town) and he REFUSES to do so. I am about to pull the plug on the relationship, but I needed advice about this if I am making the right moved, or if I am just being unreasonable. His past history leads me to believe that he could in fact jump right back in to with her, and I will be left more hurt than ever. This has been an extremely difficult year, and I am about to quit the roller coaster ride. Advice anyone?
Welcome to the Board.

This topic comes up every now and then. Addicts, by their nature, often have very poor boundaries. And when you get a room full of addicts at an Al Anon or a Nar Anon meeting, it's worth remembering sick attracts sick. People can connect in a very intense way at these meetings in a short amount of time. So it doesn't surprise me that your ABF crossed the line with someone in the Fellowship. Same thing happened to me at least twice.

As for what to do about your boyfriend, that's entirely up to you. But what I will suggest is that you think about what your values are and whether or not your ABF shares them. If, after honest and deep reflection, you decide he doesn't, then you can boot his arse to the curb.

Mind you, if you decide to boot his arse to the curb, it will hurt like hell. The days and weeks to come will likely suck because you'll be grieving. But as much as emotional pain sucks -- and it does suck -- at least you'll be staying true to your moral compass by ridding yourself of someone that does not share it.

ZoSo
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Old 06-09-2014, 11:31 AM
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Your definitely right about that, but I was willing to give him another chance I as feel people can make mistakes and can change. The problem is that I really love him and can't walk away. We have gone through many ups and downs and I think that there could be light at the end of the tunnel for us.
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Old 06-09-2014, 11:36 AM
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The problem is that I really love him and can't walk away.
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with that person.

But that's your call.

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Old 06-09-2014, 12:19 PM
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If you don't trust him, then it's time to move on.

Without trust and mutual respect, there is nothing.
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Old 06-09-2014, 12:32 PM
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I have been in your shoes and am really sorry that you are having to go through this.

Years ago, my ex (then boyfriend) had an old girlfriend that he had cheated with on every other girlfriend he ever had. I remember asking a sponsor in Naranon if it was unreasonable to ask him to have no contact with her. (My ex was a trying to recover crack addict). She said "honey, there isn't ANYTHING at all reasonable about your situation and you are entitled to say/want whatever you need to be in the relationship. Just be able to name the consequences and handle them".

What in the world makes us "love" someone that cheats on us and causes us untold emotional drama and trauma? I struggle now to believe that that really is any kind of love. I know that for me, I had become addicted to that relationship and that man. In my opinion, love is kind, true, respectful, loyal, and honest. A relationship might be many things but without those qualities I'm hesitate to believe that that is any sort of "love" that I want to be part of.

It sure took me a really long time to realize that (like years) so I understand believing that feelings like you are having are love....maybe it's chemistry, attraction, etc. but love is when there is mutual concern and caring.

I began to look at the broken parts of me that made me believe that I didn't deserve better. I'm not saying that is the case with you but it did help me to ask "why do I believe that it's ok to be be treated this way?"

I can definitely understand why you want to quit the roller coaster ride and hope that you will consider doing exactly that. You don't have to stop your feelings for someone when you take a seat further away from the fire.
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Old 06-09-2014, 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Addicts, by their nature, often have very poor boundaries. And when you get a room full of addicts at an Al Anon or a Nar Anon meeting, it's worth remembering sick attracts sick.
Maybe that was just a typo, but as a rule, addicts do not attend alanon or naranon meetings - these meetings are for the friends and family of the addicts. I believe you mean AA or NA meetings.
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Old 06-09-2014, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Taking5 View Post
Maybe that was just a typo, but as a rule, addicts do not attend alanon or naranon meetings - these meetings are for the friends and family of the addicts. I believe you mean AA or NA meetings.
Nice catch. It was a typo -- I did mean NA or AA. Thanks for pointing it out.

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Old 06-09-2014, 02:53 PM
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but I was willing to give him another chance I as feel people can make mistakes and can change. The problem is that I really love him and can't walk away. We have gone through many ups and downs and I think that there could be light at the end of the tunnel for us.

you said he cheated on you MULTIPLE times and that you've only been together a year. so is he signed up for the chippy of the month club? sorry, but what he is doing is not making mistakes, it is displaying a pattern of behavior quite clearly. multiple relapses, multiple women, etc etc.

he is going to do what HE is going to do. and you can't stop him. you can't tell him which meetings he's allowed to go to. he already understands the undercurrent there....that's the meeting where he met "her" and carried on. he knows the risks involved. he knows why you're upset. but HE doesn't CARE, not enough to make changes on his own to bring you less discomfort.

thing is, there are women at EVERY meeting. except men's meetings. and he doesn't sound very picky. curious why you cling to the "but i love him" after all he done, after his repeated infidelities, relapses? you may love him but his actions sure do not indicate the same.
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Old 06-09-2014, 03:08 PM
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I agree that you have a problem, a relationship with a man who cheats, regardless of where he met her or why.

He will change or we won't, no matter where he goes or what he does there, but it must be painful to be living the lack of trust that goes with a relationship with someone who cheats.

That's a deal breaker for most. I hope you find happiness whether you stay or go.

Hugs
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Old 06-09-2014, 05:40 PM
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Old 06-09-2014, 06:11 PM
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Originally Posted by mnicot View Post
The problem is that I really love him and can't walk away.
straight answer? I don't think you know what love is.
and,yes, you can walk away.
but it would be nice to read why you believe you cant.

keep letting him back and ya help enable him to continue the same behavior.
best move any woman I was in a relationship with ever did when I was all jacked up like that was toss me to the curb.
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Old 06-09-2014, 07:25 PM
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Love without action means nothing....

Decide what you are willing to tolerate.

The light, at the end of the tunnel, may not be what you expect! Sometimes it's a train.
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Old 06-09-2014, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Taking5 View Post
Maybe that was just a typo, but as a rule, addicts do not attend alanon or naranon meetings - these meetings are for the friends and family of the addicts. I believe you mean AA or NA meetings.
it's not a rule... often times relationships suffer in recovery because addicts don't work on their codependency... and there are a lot of 13th steppers in the family groups.

IMO addicts 13th step because a person in the rooms "gets it" where as a SO who has never had an addiction "doesn't get it"

Birds of a feather flock together. Sometimes there are too many resentments (and rightfully so) from the SO. So this new person is like a breath of fresh air. Sometimes, cheaters are just chasing a new legal high.

I was a cheater in a previous relationship and did it because I wanted out, tried to break up, tried to ignore him. He wouldn't let go and wouldn't take no for an answer. I thought cheatin would be a dealbreaker, it wasn't, it made him hold on even tighter, so I did it again and again and purposefully left the texts on my phone knowing he would find them. It didn't work. I had to pick up the courage to walk out the door.
just my ESH... a person who cheats does not want to be faithful for whatever reason. It's not your fault it's theirs. For some resin they feel incompatible with their SO, and for some reason they don't want to or feel that they can't break up.

It's a complex thing. once a cheater always a cheater? no... does being an addict equal cheating? no... everyone is different, and every relationship is different. The only one who really knows why is the cheater themselves.
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Old 06-09-2014, 08:39 PM
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Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Maybe that's one of the highs he continues to chase, woman. Haven't you invested enough of your life on someone who's not invested the same in you?
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Old 06-09-2014, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post
it's not a rule... often times relationships suffer in recovery because addicts don't work on their codependency... and there are a lot of 13th steppers in the family groups.
"As a rule" is an idiom meaning "in general" or "usually". I did not mean that there is literally a rule against addicts/alkies attending alanon or naranon meetings.
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Old 06-09-2014, 09:08 PM
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I have to throw my opinion into this thread. I don't want to, but here goes. My AH had an affair years ago. It absolutely killed me. I obviously obsessed the situation. Over and over. And to be honest, I am still not over it. Deep down, it's there. I don't know if it was the 13th step, or just him hoping someone could actually understand his poor precious terrible life (sarcasm). For the first time ever in our marriage, I packed my crap and my kids and went home to mommy across the state. For the first, and probably only time, he could see the damage he caused to me, to the kids, and to his own life. Its seems like every boundary I ever laid on the ground was crossed over the years, but that was the biggest and the hardest to overcome, and trust me, there were some big ones.

Okay, now, I could and can to this day see the absolute remorse within him. And I can guarantee you....HE WOULD NEVER have put himself back into the same situation. He actually quit working at that company because they worked together. Does that mean he will never cheat again, no. Come on, he is an addict. They will do anything for self - gratification. But I can tell you this, if he ever cheated again, he would be slapped with a divorce so fast his head would fly right off! But, I am a healthy person now.

I guess what I am trying to say is, if you bf was truly remorseful, IMO, no matter how screwed up he was (drug wise), he would not even consider putting himself back in the same situation with the same girl. it would not even be a conversation to have.

Okay, I am done revisiting my past. Yuck!!
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Old 06-09-2014, 09:51 PM
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Originally Posted by mnicot View Post

I am about to pull the plug on the relationship
it's his fault that he blew your trust
it's also understandable that you
wish for him to find a new meeting

I would hold my guns

affairs always cause some kind of damage
takes (honest) work so as to repair

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Old 06-10-2014, 02:49 AM
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Mnicot, sorry you were cheated on several times.

My first concern is you...regardless of the situation, he has slept with several people, you have no guarantee they used protection and potentially have been exposed to goodness knows what diseases.

Please get tested, no matter what he says. A year is not a long time to show he is worthy of trusting and his past behaviours, continual cheating and relapses aren't a good indicator.

Secondly...he needs to get well. I don't think his headspace sounds anywhere near being able to operate in any relationship yet. I'm sorry to say, any woman is a distraction from the real work he should be doing, which is getting his backside out of drugs.

You deserve better. I don't care who he is. If he cares for you, as much as you do him, he will come back when he is well.

Best of luck and I'm so very sorry for what is no doubt a painful situation.
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