I'm lost and don't know what to do.

Old 06-09-2014, 11:41 AM
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I'm lost and don't know what to do.

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, and we have a one-year-old son and a three-year-old son. I have feared that my husband has been addicted to prescribed narcotics for over 2 years, but then in February of this year, I found out that not only is he addicted to Oxycodone, he started using heroin months before. Since February, he has been in rehab twice but just doesn't seem to get it. I know that addicts have to figure it out in their own time and be ready and willing on their own, but I am so confused about what I should do through all of this. I am a stay at home mom with no job and two little boys. My husband works for his dad, who is continuing to deposit my husband's paychecks just to support me, so I know I am incredibly blessed right now. But I don't know if I should divorce my husband, or file for legal separation, or stay with him....if I stay, do I let him live at home, or do I make him live in a halfway house? My dad and my husbands dad are currently taking turns "babysitting" him so that he can't use and has to be clean, but I know that won't actually change him. Our dads are trying to save our marriage, but I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I have this hope that he will change and live clean and sober and be the father and husband that he should be, but I refuse to keep my sons in this situation and raise them around a drug addict...Has anyone been in a similar situation? What do you do as a mother with young children?
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Old 06-09-2014, 12:14 PM
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Hi Kirsten and so sorry you are going through this. It is a horrible predicament to be in with young children as well. Thank God for the support of your dad and his as well. As far as kicking him out, allowing him to stay, etc only you can make that decision. I do have to say no one can "keep" him from using. If he wants to use, he will. I had to learn this the hard way with my son. Trying to keep him from doing anything was fruitless. None of us can control the addict. They have to want to stop themselves.

Does your husband WANT to be clean but is finding it very difficult or is he not putting in any time or effort?
I think your children's lives and what they see and deal with is very important. Many will tell you it sometimes takes drastic measures (and sometimes that doesn't work either) for an addict to take getting clean seriously. Have you ever discussed separating until he gets clean? I found allowing the addict to face the consequences of their addiction is a very important step. If your dad and his dad continue to babysit he cannot learn on his own how to stop or give him valid enough reasons. I understand why they are doing it because I did it myself. I had to learn it wasn't helping anything and only wearing me down. Do you have anyone you can talk to like a therapist or counselor? Have you tried an nar anon or AA meeting? They aren't for everyone but some find them very helpful in understanding drug addiction and getting help for themselves because that is really what it is about. It has to be about you getting help for yourself and your children. I wish you the best and hope you continue to come back and get help here. If you have the time look above at the stickies at the top of the page. Many find them very helpful!
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Old 06-09-2014, 12:28 PM
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The sticky posts are at the top of the Forum page, here's a link to the forum/index:

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 06-09-2014, 03:49 PM
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I was/am in a similar position. Married 2.5 years, a 2 yr old and one on the way. There had been pill usage that I realized had become a problem, and then found out that he had been shooting heroin for somewhere between 3 and 6 months. When I found out about the heroin, I went a little crazy. Took our son from him. I don't even really remember the conversation, it was very brief. I was beyond angry at the lies. He was not welcome in our home, and he did not try to come home. I talked to his brother and asked him that he let him stay there if my husband would take it. Spoke to his mom, who had no idea, who took him in for about 3-4 weeks while he went through an intensive outpatient 3 week program, went back to work, and then I let him come home. Today is his 3 month sober mark. It's hard to know what to do. The kids do not need to live in an environment that has drugs, no doubt about that. But if he tries to get better? If you don't want to save the marriage, don't let the family make you feel like that is wrong. I was lucky that my husband did want to be clean, and he has followed through on it so far. He also got on suboxone, which may be the only reason he has managed to stay clean. I really don't know. If your husband doesn't seem like he is invested in getting his life back, then for the kids sake, a legal separation may not be a bad idea. You can always take him back if he can get himself taken care of. But if he doesn't choose sobriety, then you need to know the kids will be safe in your care. It's hard to make the decision that children are better off without their father. There are cons to growing up in a single parent home, but if they are in a 2 parent home that is not a healthy environment, then the single parent home is better.
I wish you luck!!! Only time will show if the choices you make are right-but as long as you put the kids first, and make the best choice you can with what you have, then it will come out okay.
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Old 06-09-2014, 05:49 PM
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I don't have any good answers, Kirsten, but I wanted to welcome you.

Take a read around, there is a lot of good information on the sticky threads at the top of this forum.

I'm sorry for what you are going through and hope your husband finds a better path soon. Please protect your children from finding his drugs.

Hugs
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Old 06-10-2014, 02:06 PM
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My addict is my elderly sister who lives with me. I am going through the same questions, for which I do not have the answers yet either. Being in close proximity to an addict, dry or not, changes you. I waited so long that I now have the "family of" emotional issues to deal with. My husband has been showing early signs of hyper-vigilence ... addiction, the gift that keeps on giving. I finally tried al anon, it is helping, but it is a process. I am pretty sure my sister will have to leave just that I am not quite there yet.

Good luck... hard choices.
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Old 06-10-2014, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Kirsten8911 View Post
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, and we have a one-year-old son and a three-year-old son. I have feared that my husband has been addicted to prescribed narcotics for over 2 years, but then in February of this year, I found out that not only is he addicted to Oxycodone, he started using heroin months before. Since February, he has been in rehab twice but just doesn't seem to get it. I know that addicts have to figure it out in their own time and be ready and willing on their own, but I am so confused about what I should do through all of this. I am a stay at home mom with no job and two little boys. My husband works for his dad, who is continuing to deposit my husband's paychecks just to support me, so I know I am incredibly blessed right now. But I don't know if I should divorce my husband, or file for legal separation, or stay with him....if I stay, do I let him live at home, or do I make him live in a halfway house? My dad and my husbands dad are currently taking turns "babysitting" him so that he can't use and has to be clean, but I know that won't actually change him. Our dads are trying to save our marriage, but I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I have this hope that he will change and live clean and sober and be the father and husband that he should be, but I refuse to keep my sons in this situation and raise them around a drug addict...Has anyone been in a similar situation? What do you do as a mother with young children?
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but I'm happy you found us.

We -- or at least I -- can't tell you what you should do regarding your marriage. But what I can tell you is when children are involved, their welfare and well-being comes first, followed of course by your own. So your instincts are correct; you cannot allow your children to be subjected to harm.

I will allow members more knowledgable than myself speak on how best to accomplish what your immediate goals are.

Keep us posted.

ZoSo
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Old 06-12-2014, 08:09 AM
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The right thing to do ?

There is no right or wrong, just lessons learned …

Going to rehab gave him a basis of what he needs to do. He learned tools there and knows what is available to help him help himself. It isn’t that he just didn’t get it, it is that he just isn’t ready. When will he be, well no one here can answer that.

No matter what you ask in terms of him, it will always have to come back to what you need and want ... what is best for you and the children.

Do you want him home now? If not then you don’t. You aren’t really able to tell him where he needs to go, let him know he just can’t come home if that is what you want. Then see what he decides to do from there. He is a grown man and very capable of taking care of himself.

Your choice matters for you, how he reacts is on him having nothing to do with what you needed for you and the kids. Don’t look at it like if I do this then maybe he will …. No motives allowed! It has to be about what you need right now for your peace and sanity.

I am really big on leaving those I love to make the choices they think they need to make. It doesn’t matter what I think of the choice because I am not the one needing to learn from it. Make sense? In the end ultimately he will do what he wants and what he feels he needs to. It isn’t personal if he makes a choice you don‘t like or see as the worst possible. This is just what it is and you won’t be able to understand because it isn’t yours to.

You don’t have to decide today if your marriage should end. And it will only be you who can decide that. But I will tell you that watching his actions will show you exactly where he is today and it is obvious if one is in active addiction or working on their recovery. There is no trying … it is all about ones willingness to do and act … not sit and talk about what they can do.

You asked about anyone in the same situation ... well yes and no. My husband is a recovering heroin addict. I choose to stay...The staying or leaving fight in my head was just a distraction not to work on myself and find what I really wanted. I tend to figure if you know what you need and want then you don't drive yourself crazy in the questions, you just act. So maybe it is time now for you to take care of yourself and figure out what you need and want from this life. You only get one ride, don't miss a thing!
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