mejo

Well, sometime in the middle of the night he sent a txt. I pretty much said our marriage has been s**t and we treat eachother badly. Also said I am self - centered. That part cut pretty deep, but I know it is the addict talking. Not my husband. Maybe there is a lot of anger built up, but continuing to use with help that situation, won't it?

chicory

Mejo-Aren't we supposed to be 'self' centered? I mean, if you don't take care of yourself and your needs, who will?

hope today's a better day for you.

mejo

Agreed, but he said as long as we are talking about me and my needs, I am happy. That I get this devilish grin when we are talking about me. Maybe he is going to cut me out of his life so he can coninue to kill himself. But, there is nothing I can do about that. I cannot control him, his feelings, or actions. I want to, God knows I want to. But if we could control them, there would not be a need for treatment centers, meetings, or this site. It just hurts to hear...the truth???

mejo

I am really really struggling today. I am overcome with fear all of a sudden. I found a message on his skype to another woman. Nothing bad, but it took me right back. After I flipped out about it, he felt the need to punish me by getting a new e-mail address, changing passwords and re-activating his FB account (and leaving inappropriate messages on womens status). So I went over to the house to calmly talk. I told him if he wants to replace me, fine. But file for divorce first and have it final prior to moving on. Well, he said he is working on him right now, not our marriage. I feel this overpowering feeling of fear. It is disabing me.
Why do I fall backwards? Why do I feel this way? I have been doing so good. Why do I feel like this?

incitingsilence

Could it be because you are still engaged in his madness?

What would your day been like if you didn't find the message?

What would it have been like if you found it and let it go?

We have to always remember to be responsible for out actions/reaction in the insanity as well.

There is just so much to learn and so much that doesn't make sense to those early in this. But if you can keep the focus off of what he is or isn't doing, off him totally you may feel better.

mejo

Yeah. I understand, and you are right. Someone told me today that I was beautiful and perfect in every way. He said "why do you care if he is moving on? You are so successful, smart, funny, and drop dead gorgeous. Once these guys out here find out you are soon to be single, there will be more men lined up then you will know what to do with, and if I wasn't married, I would be one of them!" The thing is, I don't feel that way about me. I can't even think about being in a healthy relationship because I am sooo far from healthy. I don't love myself, so what is so attractive about that? I allow myself to be mistreated. Al anon helps me stay balanced. Counceling helps me work on me, but I just could not have a one night stand, or lead someone on to believe I am someone I'm not.
So how does my AH do it?

amy55

You are all of what your friend said you are. You are successful, beautiful, smart, and the line of men would go around the block. You're precious, and you are a very special person.

I wanted you to know that you weren't the only one. I remember the time I wasn't thinking suicide, I just wanted to go to sleep. I drank a bottle of wine, took some OTC sleeping pills, I just wanted to go to sleep. (needless to say, I really didn't care if I woke up the next day, but that was something that I dealt with everyday).

My AH actually came home that night. He called 911. I went to the hospital, and had to do 6 weeks outpatient. Best 6 weeks of my life. People actually listened to me. I wasn't talking to that brick wall anymore. I agreed to this because no, I wasn't suicidal that night, but I would like to drive around and look for good telephone poles to drive into. Then I knew I had cancer, waited till it was stage 3 b before going to a doctor. Guess I figured dying of cancer was better then me doing it myself.

But back to the best 6 weeks of my life. I couldn't believe it, they wanted me to talk, and they listened to me, and I found out that I wasn't alone anymore, that other people had problems, and fundamentally we are all people, and if you look for help and support, you will find it.

You aren't alone anymore.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))