Need advice
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Lad12053 
You are so right. Thank you....heart breaking but I do feel this was the only way. We will keep our distance as it seems upsetting to him.
My husband I went to counseling for US to help US get through it. We have been on this roller coaster for many years. I've got to say that you seem to be handling things way better than we did back then. We've done a whole lot of enabling. You seem to have that part down much better. Not meaning it doesn't hurt just that you are farther along than I was going through the same kinds of things. You and your husband are also on the same page which wasn't the case with us for a long, long time. Luckily he came around finally, lol.
As far as helping our son, the counselor asked us "Has anything you have done in all these years helped him...anything at all?" Wow, good question to which our answer was No. I had to think about it at first though because I was thinking there must have been something. Did giving him money, bailing him out of jail several times, giving him help looking for a job, reading addiction books and then giving him advice help? Did even one single thing help in the slightest? Nope. It is really really hard to accept that there is not one single thing in this entire world that you can do to help. Not even mortgaging your house to afford the best treatment center (which we didn't do but thought about). Because I called some and no matter which one I called I was told the same thing. We can't keep him here against his will. He can walk out anytime.
Soooo, I did get some somewhat soothing advice from that counselor. He said that no matter what happened even the worst such as death, suicide, jail that IN NO WAY was it OUR fault. NO WAY. I'm not sure how I would feel if something like that actually happened but I do find myself repeating that whatever he is going through is not my fault. It helps a little at least.
What I have tried to do is put more effort into my other two grown children (all are grown). AS got my energy and now it is time to enjoy and sometimes help my other children. It is nice enjoying them.
Hugs, Kari
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
P.S. When he calls you from jail and starts being disrespectful I'd say (and did) "I cannot having you talking to me that way. If you start that, I will hang up. If you can be civil then we can talk." Then do it. They don't usually want you to hang up as it is sometimes hard for them to get a turn on the phone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 40
Hi eveyone, thanks for all the support. Kari, unfortunately I am a nurse the works in the mental health field so possibly that has helped us stick to the guns of we have helped you before with no resolution so we did not repeat and repeat that it for years , definitely ironically I was more the codependent as I did not want to see the issues in front of me. My husband was spot on all the time. I LOVE the question your therapist asked about has anything helped...it's a good affirmation the we are on the " right" road. Unfortunately my son was declared incompetent to stand trail today and will be going to a psychiatric center....we continue to pray that they will find meds to help. Regardless of what came first the MH or the drug abuse he has now got them both so his road will be tough. We have a strong faith and know that all is for good reason but it doesn't help when the tears flow as we grieve the loss of the son we knew and what we had hoped his life would hold. Truly this web site has helped me maintain my sanity with affirming what we now to be true.....we cannot control this situation at all...we have to let go and let God!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Lad12053
Hi eveyone, thanks for all the support. Kari, unfortunately I am a nurse the works in the mental health field so possibly that has helped us stick to the guns of we have helped you before with no resolution so we did not repeat and repeat that it for years , definitely ironically I was more the codependent as I did not want to see the issues in front of me. My husband was spot on all the time. I LOVE the question your therapist asked about has anything helped...it's a good affirmation the we are on the " right" road. Unfortunately my son was declared incompetent to stand trail today and will be going to a psychiatric center....we continue to pray that they will find meds to help. Regardless of what came first the MH or the drug abuse he has now got them both so his road will be tough. We have a strong faith and know that all is for good reason but it doesn't help when the tears flow as we grieve the loss of the son we knew and what we had hoped his life would hold. Truly this web site has helped me maintain my sanity with affirming what we now to be true.....we cannot control this situation at all...we have to let go and let God!
I so hope everything gets easier for both you and him.
Hugs, Kari
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 40
I've entered this new phases of grief, anger! It is a week today of no contact. He hasn't called in over 4 weeks, not even to thank us for sending packages to the jail. I understand there is the mental health thing but really , not a thank you. I also found out that he routinely calls the ex or her mom when he cannot get hold of her. I am tired of trying to get my AS to like us I guess. We have done NOTHING wrong, everything that has happened is a circumstance of his actions but still I am soooooooo angry. He has a drug abuse issue, a mental Heath issue and instead of turning to family he turns to "people who care about him"..... More like major codependents he can manipulate? We are thinking of not going to his next court date but then I feel guilty because I won't know what the outcome is. I have decided not to write for a while or send packages....too much? Too mean? I feel I desperately want to disconnect and put it all behind me but then I think of him as my poor child even though he is 20. Ugh I hate Mondays....as always thank for listening.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Lad, I have been following your thread and I really do see the "strangely wrapped gift" in this that I referred to early in your posting. He is off drugs right now, under supervision and safe, and getting the mental health help he so desperately needs. His life and yours are still not what you dreamed for either of you, but sometimes life deals us stuff that we just have to learn to accept.
Whether you continue to send gifts or communicate with him is entirely up to you. If it makes you feel better and you don't attach expectations to this, then by all means do what feels right to you.
This may be a long road, sadly it doesn't all disappear and get better overnight. I wish it did. But you have support, you have the rest of your family to talk with too and to embrace when you need to get through the days.
My prayers go out for your son, and for your family too. I pray that one day his mental health issues will be diagnosed and treated and maybe, just maybe, his life will get better.
Hugs
Whether you continue to send gifts or communicate with him is entirely up to you. If it makes you feel better and you don't attach expectations to this, then by all means do what feels right to you.
This may be a long road, sadly it doesn't all disappear and get better overnight. I wish it did. But you have support, you have the rest of your family to talk with too and to embrace when you need to get through the days.
My prayers go out for your son, and for your family too. I pray that one day his mental health issues will be diagnosed and treated and maybe, just maybe, his life will get better.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 40
So after a few weeks in a psych center he will be released to an out patient program. They will not diagnose a MH issue until he is off drugs for 6-12 months. He will be getting emergency housing with the county coming out of incarceration/psych center. he says he will continue to use pot and inhalants and live his life the way he wants. He is now on prescription meds too. I will be taking him to apply because if not he said he would be ok living on the streets. It will only be a matter of time....the system stinks. I fear he is too far gone....I fear he will end up on the street and incarcerated again. The sub mom has become accusatory and judgmental telling us horrible stories he was telling them about us. Of course untrue, but she says she saw things. She will say he is a great " salesman" but doesn't see that the lies started years ago and they too have been manipulated by him. It is shocking how far reaching this is. She asked if he would steal from her....she didn't want him at her house without her there.....like I can control that?! So mad again! He has no understanding of what he has done to us and ever time I try to settle something else like this! I have decided that I will have no contact with her or her daughter. If they want to continue to help my son then that is here business. I've told he to call the police or her daughter to do it if they have too but she said her daughter won't do it....does she think I should be responsible for her setting boundaries too! As always, thanks for "listening"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 40
Feeling guilty. My AS is out and we would not take him in again. He came for dinner and a visit but then his dad took him to a motel, a crappy one... I did not sleep well and am a wreck all over again. He has been clean for about 10 weeks due to incarceration/ hospital and now I am terrified again. I know he wants to come home but I am afraid of a repeat. Thoughts?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
Lad,
There are Sober Living Homes that might be a better option for your son. A counselor and I tried to get my AS to move there....he didn't "I'm going to live my life on my terms."
There is usually accountability to the group, a requirement to attend meetings, and regular drug testing. Many are low rent with 6 months to 2 years...but you have to work and stay clean.
My AS had a sub mom, he lied, she felt sorry and took him in. He RUINED their lives...stealing, lying, disrupting family relations.....once their daughter started using again (she'd been clean for about a year prior when she met my son) and thousands of dollars where disappearing weekly they kicked him out.
Initially sub mom called me several days in a row to "vent." I finally put a stop to it by saying, "He's an adult, these are his issues, if you chose to press charges, that's your decision." I refused to answer any other calls. I wasn't being mean or rude, but they really weren't my mess to clean up they were his and hers. I question the mental health of ANYONE who just takes and adult in off the street so they can help "fix" them (which is what she told me she did).
Boundries, boundries, boundries. Find yours, I know it's tough....this is not the life we imagined for our children when they were young and it's not the Norman Rockwell picture of a family that we all want...but with boundries I'm finding there's less fear, less guilt and more days of being content.
qwer
There are Sober Living Homes that might be a better option for your son. A counselor and I tried to get my AS to move there....he didn't "I'm going to live my life on my terms."
There is usually accountability to the group, a requirement to attend meetings, and regular drug testing. Many are low rent with 6 months to 2 years...but you have to work and stay clean.
My AS had a sub mom, he lied, she felt sorry and took him in. He RUINED their lives...stealing, lying, disrupting family relations.....once their daughter started using again (she'd been clean for about a year prior when she met my son) and thousands of dollars where disappearing weekly they kicked him out.
Initially sub mom called me several days in a row to "vent." I finally put a stop to it by saying, "He's an adult, these are his issues, if you chose to press charges, that's your decision." I refused to answer any other calls. I wasn't being mean or rude, but they really weren't my mess to clean up they were his and hers. I question the mental health of ANYONE who just takes and adult in off the street so they can help "fix" them (which is what she told me she did).
Boundries, boundries, boundries. Find yours, I know it's tough....this is not the life we imagined for our children when they were young and it's not the Norman Rockwell picture of a family that we all want...but with boundries I'm finding there's less fear, less guilt and more days of being content.
qwer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 40
Thanks. I would love him to live in a sober house, he refuses, same thing your son said , " my life my terms" I keep reminding myself that I have a life too on my terms but being a mom seems to be the opposite of this. When he was released he had a choice of sober house, 30 day in patient or out pt treatment....he chose the later saying he was still going to smoke pot and use nitrous . One day at a time, one moment at a time. As always, thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 40
Let the drama continue. Went to a sober house rather than sleep on the street, kicked out first night for drinking . Yesterday went to day treatment intake after ingesting hallucinogenic and starting stripping and had to go to crisis unit...going to try to get him into in patient today but then I am DONE! Do we just abandon him? I think I am starting to go insane. He can not take care of him self...what the hell is his rock bottom!?!?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by Lad12053
Let the drama continue. Went to a sober house rather than sleep on the street, kicked out first night for drinking .
...what the hell is his rock bottom!?!?
...what the hell is his rock bottom!?!?
I have a son that I fear is dealing with addiction so believe me when I say - I know it is easier said than done.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
LAD12053.
I have a 37-year-old son who's addicted to pain killers, opiates. We too last month put him in a hotel rather than having him stay with us for a month or so until he could get on his feet and get an apartment rented. It was absolutely horrible, but he survived. In fact, after two weeks of it he went to a different motel because that one was even too bad for him. We didn't do it on purpose. It was just all the money we were willing to spend on it. My son has never called me a name. My husband and I attend an AlAnon meeting stricly for parents and I've heard and also read on here that children do call their moms names. My husband, I'm sure, wouldn't let my son get away with that. Maybe sons and daughters do call their fathers names. I know what would happen if my son called my husband a son-of-a-b****, or a MF'er. I'm afraid I'd be done with my son, totally, if he called me a b**** or my husband one of those names. I don't know if you call that a boundary or what. Maybe boundaries come in increments. That'd sure be a good place for me to start. I guess if he called me that and there were no consequences he'd do it again. I have to remember that my son's priority is being a drug addict. He works hard at it. All of his efforts are spent supporting that lifestyle, which includes lying, stealing, cheating, etc. Being his mom is way down on his list. He's been off drugs for eight months, he says. He's not in any kind of recovery. In the past I would say if only his wife would force him to leave, if only his dad would not take him back, if only he had a job, if only he would get off the drugs then I'd be okay. Well, his wife did ask him to leave, his father won't take him back, he's off drugs, and he's working. So now what? What I do know is I didn't offer to give him money for gas when we met him to pick up the grandchildren. He didn't even ask. We were no contact for a year and I had some real moments of clarity. Most times he didn't even ask me for money, I'd offer it, then I'd get mad at him and at me. Insanity. The disease of alcoholism-drug addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I am attending AlAnon, have been for a year, and it sure is helping me to have a set of spiritual principles to live by. I was at a meeting a few weeks ago and heard a lady say when her son said, I need to know right now or demanded anything instantly she had better step back and think about it before she feels compelled to give him an answer right then and there. That really came in handy because I had to deal with the "right now" thing just a few days after that. This is a disease of big deals for him and for me, so I have to get off the train or out of the way of the train, whatever day it is, and breathe deeply, settle down my thoughts, talk it over with someone either in the recovery or my husband (who's in recovery), and pray about it. Then I'll know I've done all I know to do, and the right answer will come. I don't have to cater to somebody's demands when they're not in their right mind. When I've done that in the past it makes me just as insane as they are, because I've learned in AlAnon that my behavior mirrors that of the drug addict or alcoholic in my life. I will pray for you and your family.
I have a 37-year-old son who's addicted to pain killers, opiates. We too last month put him in a hotel rather than having him stay with us for a month or so until he could get on his feet and get an apartment rented. It was absolutely horrible, but he survived. In fact, after two weeks of it he went to a different motel because that one was even too bad for him. We didn't do it on purpose. It was just all the money we were willing to spend on it. My son has never called me a name. My husband and I attend an AlAnon meeting stricly for parents and I've heard and also read on here that children do call their moms names. My husband, I'm sure, wouldn't let my son get away with that. Maybe sons and daughters do call their fathers names. I know what would happen if my son called my husband a son-of-a-b****, or a MF'er. I'm afraid I'd be done with my son, totally, if he called me a b**** or my husband one of those names. I don't know if you call that a boundary or what. Maybe boundaries come in increments. That'd sure be a good place for me to start. I guess if he called me that and there were no consequences he'd do it again. I have to remember that my son's priority is being a drug addict. He works hard at it. All of his efforts are spent supporting that lifestyle, which includes lying, stealing, cheating, etc. Being his mom is way down on his list. He's been off drugs for eight months, he says. He's not in any kind of recovery. In the past I would say if only his wife would force him to leave, if only his dad would not take him back, if only he had a job, if only he would get off the drugs then I'd be okay. Well, his wife did ask him to leave, his father won't take him back, he's off drugs, and he's working. So now what? What I do know is I didn't offer to give him money for gas when we met him to pick up the grandchildren. He didn't even ask. We were no contact for a year and I had some real moments of clarity. Most times he didn't even ask me for money, I'd offer it, then I'd get mad at him and at me. Insanity. The disease of alcoholism-drug addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I am attending AlAnon, have been for a year, and it sure is helping me to have a set of spiritual principles to live by. I was at a meeting a few weeks ago and heard a lady say when her son said, I need to know right now or demanded anything instantly she had better step back and think about it before she feels compelled to give him an answer right then and there. That really came in handy because I had to deal with the "right now" thing just a few days after that. This is a disease of big deals for him and for me, so I have to get off the train or out of the way of the train, whatever day it is, and breathe deeply, settle down my thoughts, talk it over with someone either in the recovery or my husband (who's in recovery), and pray about it. Then I'll know I've done all I know to do, and the right answer will come. I don't have to cater to somebody's demands when they're not in their right mind. When I've done that in the past it makes me just as insane as they are, because I've learned in AlAnon that my behavior mirrors that of the drug addict or alcoholic in my life. I will pray for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Lad,
I've followed your thread and I'm so sorry...believe me momma, I've been there, done everything I could, and I'm not going back. Enabling, was to become my enemy and the addictions friend.
I have two daughter that were brought to their knees from addiction. I also am a nurse and feel so guilty and helpless not being able to fix them and yes I saw them as the little girls cemented in my memory...
Not the adults in addiction that they are. (20 & 23).
So it's been a year now. My marriage crumbled. The ADs sought out recovery.
They are sober, however, the drama addiction caused, allowed some very serious mental illnesses to surface, especially in the younger daughter.
My pending divorce, I fear, will escalate these illnesses and trigger a relapse...I hope not.
Nope, not going to enter round 2,3,4 etc. that addiction demands an enabler to do. No more drama for me. No blame, guilt or worry will flow from MY heart.
I will pray for you AND your son for some sweet peace. Let God be with you and walk with you and as with me, SR will always be here for much needed support.
Take care, really take care of yourself,
TF
I've followed your thread and I'm so sorry...believe me momma, I've been there, done everything I could, and I'm not going back. Enabling, was to become my enemy and the addictions friend.
I have two daughter that were brought to their knees from addiction. I also am a nurse and feel so guilty and helpless not being able to fix them and yes I saw them as the little girls cemented in my memory...
Not the adults in addiction that they are. (20 & 23).
So it's been a year now. My marriage crumbled. The ADs sought out recovery.
They are sober, however, the drama addiction caused, allowed some very serious mental illnesses to surface, especially in the younger daughter.
My pending divorce, I fear, will escalate these illnesses and trigger a relapse...I hope not.
Nope, not going to enter round 2,3,4 etc. that addiction demands an enabler to do. No more drama for me. No blame, guilt or worry will flow from MY heart.
I will pray for you AND your son for some sweet peace. Let God be with you and walk with you and as with me, SR will always be here for much needed support.
Take care, really take care of yourself,
TF
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