gingasaurus

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, it's probably going to be a long share, so bear with me (and thanks if you do!)

My boyfriend and I have been together since February of 2013. We met in a bar (at the restaurant where he works, no less) and immediately had a connection. I didn't know it when we first met, but at the time he was using cocaine heavily and smoking up to $3000 of crack every day, as well as drinking.

I only ever saw him on his days off for the first couple months we knew each other (before we started dating) so I thought his drinking was only on those days, but I later found out he was drinking every day at that time.

One night, after hanging out at his house and then going home, I got a call from him. That night he had asked me why we couldn't be together. I told him I didn't date. The long version of that answer would be "I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with someone without completely losing myself" but I didn't get that in-depth with the answer. I ignored the call because I didn't want to send him mixed signals. I got a text asking if he could call, and another call, I ignored them all and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next day, I got a text from him saying he was in the hospital. Though we were only friends at the time, something primal and unexplainable in me said I needed to be with him right then and there. I asked what hospital and if he wanted me to come visit. By the time he said I could visit I was already half-way there. Some invisible pull told me this was way bigger than just some random dude I was hanging out with.

So, at the hospital I met his mom and (at the time) 15-year-old daughter. It was a little awkward to meet them that way, but they were both super nice. He told me they didn't know that he was drinking so they thought we met at a bowling alley. I am hugely against lying, having had an addict for a mother, so I wasn't happy with his story, but it was his family he was lying to, none of my business.

Well, when he was released from the hospital, I took him to get his prescriptions and dropped him off at his mom's house for the night (at the time, he didn't have a car and his license was suspended). He asked if I wanted to go to dinner the next night as a thank you for all that and I agreed without even realizing that the next night was Valentine's Day.

Since that day we have not spent a single day apart. I saw him every day for a few weeks and we moved in together before March. It was a crazy roller coaster of a beginning of a relationship, even without the added monkey-wrench of substance abuse.

Anyhow, by the time we moved in together, I knew everything about his past. His ex-wives, the trips to rehab, the crack binges, all of it. I knew what I was getting in to. I told him if he ever smoked crack with me that we'd be done. I wasn't asking him to quit everything cold turkey, I understood the power of addiction, the association of certain times and events that was nearly impossible to break, but I also knew in his past he'd gone three years completely sober so he could do it.

For the first few months, the drinking didn't bother me. I drank with him, we had a great time. Sometimes he'd do a few lines of cocaine and I wasn't a fan of it, but again, I knew the irrationality of expecting him to quit cold turkey.

Then I got a job. We needed it; one income was not enough to support us both and we lived in crappy hotel that I desperately wanted to get out of. All my stuff was in storage and we struggled to make the payments. This job was at a new branch of a big company with lots of opportunity for upward mobility, I was good at it and super excited.

My second week at the job, my bf got really drunk and was still up drinking into the wee hours of the morning. It was time for me to get up and go to work but he said if I left the house he'd end up calling his crack guy. We'd only been together a couple of months and I had a decision to make: my relationship or my job. I decided to stay with him and ended up losing my job and I've been unemployed ever since. I try not to resent him for it, it was entirely my choice, but I hate that I was put in the position where I had to make that choice.

Well, after that incident, I felt things needed to change. He went a couple of months without drinking at all. Then he might drink once a month or every couple of months. Still when he drank there would be cocaine, but never any crack. (It amazes me how I can justify one drug by the absence of another when I have always been so staunchly anti-drug).

I remember his crack guy harassing him, calling him at all hours of the day and night, threatening him, etc. I guess when you go from getting thousands of dollars a week from someone to nothing at all, it chafes a little. Finally we ended up giving the guy like $1200 for him to delete my bf's number. He told me that's just the way it is in the drug world. I don't know if it's true or not and never bothered to question it. I thought that meant it was finally over. Except, my bf didn't delete the guy's number, so that temptation never went away.

The one thing I can say for my bf is that he's never kept secrets from me. He's never tried to hide his drug use from me. He's always completely honest about when he slips, when he stumbles, and when he's thinking about doing things. I am grateful for that, though I don't really know how to handle it. He usually waits until after he's texted someone to tell me that he's texted them, and by then it's already too late.

Anyway, back to the story. So, maybe another month or so goes by, something happens, I don't really remember the way it all played out, but he ended up getting crack from this guy. I knew at the time it was pointless to try and argue about it or do anything about it, so I drove him across town to get it. I don't know if this is enabling or not, but I wasn't going to let him drive my car when he was drunk because A) it's my car and if it's wrecked that's on me B) he already had one DUI and a suspended license and C) if he was in an accident or something because I wouldn't drive him then I'd never be able to live with myself. He was going to go one way or the other, the least I could do was get him there safely, right? I don't know.

But anyway, you can see the pattern, I'm sure there are a ton of similar stories. He would binge one night, swear it would never happen again, go a few months, do it again, rinse and repeat.

My ray of hope is that before we were together he was doing so much more. His life was a mess. He didn't eat, he worked just to get high, he didn't have a license, all that is changed. He got his license re-instated in August, we still struggle to pay our bills, but I accept a lot of blame for that for not having a steady job, he eats every day, and takes his medicine (four more trips to the ER since we've been together have found high blood pressure, diabetes, and a few other risk factors for stroke and heart disease).

I still worry about him constantly. He's the head chef in a restaurant, so he's surrounded by drugs and alcohol every day, but he works his ass off and comes home to me without touching any of it.

Our biggest problem is his days off when we have a little extra money. If he has money in his pocket (or knows I have some in the bank) his mind goes to drugs. We spend time with his family and the kids and he wants to drink. He hates being tired on his days off because he thinks it's a waste of a free day, so a few lines will keep him going. Stuff like that is where we're struggling the most. And those nights are absolute hell for me. I have to stay up with him, completely sober, keep him happy, play games, listen to music, whatever I can to try and keep him away from crack. Those nights I'm often up until 8, 9, 10am or later until he eventually passes out. Some nights I have to hide the money or the keys or his phone from him. Some nights he's worse than I think and he pulls a fast one on me.

This past week his grandmother was rushed to the hospital. When we left the hospital we didn't really have any more answers than when we got there and he was a wreck. He just said "I'm going up to work to have a beer, I'm sorry"

I couldn't really say no. When my grandpa was in the hospital and we didn't know what was happening, I drank until I puked and passed out on his couch, but that was before we were even a couple... anyway, I didn't think it was fair to deny him something when he'd been so understanding with me.

Well, that beer was a beer and a shot, then another round, then a work friend wanted to meet him at another bar, where there were more drinks, they went in together on some powder and then everyone came back to our place with more beer and more powder.

While I wasn't happy with the way things were going, when he has friends around, he's normally well-behaved. He tried to get the guy to front him some coke (he'd spent all of our money at that point) but he wouldn't do it. Once everyone left it took a turn for the worse.

He was trying to get some crack, but we didn't have any money. I don't know if he thought I was lying about it, or hiding it, but I told him we didn't have any. That didn't stop him. I didn't have the energy to fight him about it. I just let him do what he wanted. I knew he was going to do whatever he wanted one way or the other, so I didn't coddle him, I didn't say anything at all, I just went to bed. He kept fighting with the guy on the phone, telling him he'd be there, but I wasn't going to drive him, telling him he had the money, but everyone knew he didn't, and even calling his step-dad who was out of town to see if he'd wire him the money (he didn't). Eventually, the guy came here (or, outside the hotel at least) and they threw a few punches and it was over. Or so he says. I didn't go down because I didn't want to get involved. I don't really have any reason not to believe him, he came back all scratched up and bloody, but that could all be another manipulation, I don't really know.

He told me that was the first time he ever got himself into something and had to get himself out of it. I think his step-dad (or more recently, me) has always bailed him out of his trouble and neither one of us would do it this time.

It wasn't so much tough love on my part as it was just complete apathy. I kept telling him, "I'm not going to fight with you." I just didn't feel like I had anything left in me to fight with. I felt empty and couldn't even bring myself to be mad or cry or anything at all. For me, I think it was rock bottom.

I don't want to be empty, and I want to want to fight. I want to feel like I have to fight this. I feel like if I'm not fighting anymore, if I just give up, then it's over and I don't want it to be over. I want to be with this man for the rest of my life. The 80-90% of the time that he's sober and clean he's the best man in the whole world. He's loving and funny and hard-working and just amazing to me. I just don't want to keep having a night like that night every week for the rest of my life. I don't know if I can take it, or if I should.

So I'm here. I'm going to go to al-anon once I figure out the schedule, I just don't feel like I can do it alone any more. Maybe if I can talk about it with someone it will be easier.

Yesterday I was reading through some of the articles here and some posts and just bawling my eyes out because so much of it was so true, especially when it comes to codependency. He woke up to find me crying and I couldn't tell him why so he got really mad, thinking I was just ready to leave him or something. He doesn't realize, I don't think, that leaving would be so much easier. I don't want to leave, I want to make this work, even if it's stupid and it's going to end in heartbreak, I feel like I have to try. I tried my best to explain that there's some stuff with me that I need to address. I tried to not put it on him or his addiction. I tried to tell him that I understand that he holds everything in until the weight of it all pushes him in to drinking, but that we have different ways of coping with things and mine is to talk things out so I need someone I can talk to. He didn't seem to understand why I couldn't talk to him about things and I didn't have a way to say that he was what I needed to talk about without it sounding confrontational, so that didn't go as well as I hoped, but he seems to have accepted that I'm going through some stuff.

I've been sleeping on the couch for the past few nights. In my mind, we're taking a break, but we're not really, I guess I'm just taking a break. I know he's worried that he's going to come home from work and I'll be gone, but I don't know how to explain what I'm going through.

I need to remember who I am. I have become an extension of him. My whole life revolves around taking care of him, looking out for him, doing what he wants, and I did it without ever being asked. I always do it; it's why I went three years without a date before I met him, because I hate the person I become in a relationship.

I don't know how to be me and be in a relationship, and that's something I need to focus on. Would I like for him to get clean? Of course. Do I think it's going to happen anytime soon? Not really. Do I hope that seeing me make changes and go to meetings inspires him? Hell yes. But all my optimism aside, I am realistic, I know it may never happen, and that scares the hell out of me.

Like I said, he already has a ton of health issues. Every time he's been rushed to the ER it's been after a night of drinking and coke, though he still seems to think it's unrelated. His answer is always "but I've done so much more than that in the past, that was nothing". He refuses to accept that he's nearly 40, not 20. My mother died when she was 40 from an overdose. It was ruled accidental, the autopsy report says she had taken her pills in their prescribed dosage and had maybe two wine coolers. She had done a lot more than that in the past, too. But it catches up, and I wish he would see that. His daughters have already lost their mother, they don't need to lose him too, especially when it's preventable.

We've talked about meetings, but he only talks about it when he's high so I don't know how much of it is him and how much is the drugs talking. I'm inclined to believe it's all the drugs talking, though I wish that weren't the case.

He thinks there won't be meetings or sponsors available on his schedule. He works most nights from around 6pm-4am or later. He says the hardest time is when he's getting off work and exhausted but no one is going to be around at that time. I don't know if he's right or not, but I at least wish he would try. We live in a pretty big city and I would do whatever I had to to make sure he could get to his meetings or whatever.

I told him I'll always be with him as long as he's trying. Every week we talk about our plans and he'll say "oh, I'm not even interested in drinking this week, I just wanna chill" or something like that, and it seems every week lately something comes up that makes him want to drink. I don't know if he's really trying any more and more and more I find myself thinking I could do better on my own.

The other night I was wishing we could go backwards in the relationship progression, be together, but have separate houses and bills and whatnot. I want to get my life together. I'm afraid to get a job because of what happened with the last one (though I've been trying desperately to get something). I'm afraid to go out on a night that he has off for fear of what he'll do when I'm not around. I can't save any money because he spends his on drugs and alcohol and then the dog needs food, or we need food, or something like that.

Fifteen months later and we're still in this crappy hotel. I lost all my stuff in storage, all my memories, diplomas, things that no amount of money can replace. My car payment is a few months past due. Insurance too. When we can't come up with those, I don't know what's going to happen. My credit is tanked because I stopped making payments on my cards when we moved in together (though that's not really his fault, I was over-extended as it was). I dropped out of grad school (that happened at the same time we got together but wasn't related to him) and I basically feel like my life is meaningless.

I should also mention that before we were together, I was drinking rather heavily and was not headed down a good path. Once we got together and I realized the problems he had with alcohol, I pretty much quit drinking all together in support. Even now, I'll only drink when he does, and typically not even then because I want to be aware of what's going on to monitor his behavior.

This is already too long and I don't know where I'm going with it. Like I said, long share. There's still a ton I'm sure I left out, but that's the gist of it, I guess.

Ann

It is good that you recognize this, because it is something you can work on and discover why you would knowingly get involved with an active addict and live the chaotic and sad life that goes with it.

You deserve better. If you read your post through the eyes of your best friend you would see how lost in his darkness you have become. It's a dangerous and horrible place to be...I know because I was there with my son. It is a place I shall never ever go again.

Find that meeting you spoke of and go, and keep going. This part is about you and the help YOU need. Please don't put it off because of him and what he wants...it's time to take care of you and find your way out of that dark place you are in.

Nothing you say, do, don't do, will change him and it doesn't sound like he wants to change himself any time soon. If love could save our addicts not one of us would be here.

This part is scary...

You do realize that YOU could have lost your car and ended up in jail for all this, yes? It's your car, your keys and your voice that can say "no". When it becomes easier to do what they want rather than do what you know is right, you need to put on the brakes and take care of yourself before it is too late.

Crack IS cocaine, it doesn't matter which form he chooses, and he is an active addict.

Ask yourself how you want to live your live a year from now, 5 years from now...and know that addiction gets progressively worse over time.

I really hope you find those meetings and save your own life. Wishing you had after worse happens will be so much harder. You need help and you are looking for help, I hope you are willing to do what you need to do to help yourself.

Hugs

Croissant

Hi gingasaurus. It's a very long post....but right there right at the start...you omitted WHAT he was in hospital for.

You included though that you'd ignored his texts and phone calls the night before because you didn't want to get involved with an addict.

You knew there was a problem. You got involved. A $3,000 a day habit is $21,000 a week. How did he make that money?

I'm very sorry about your Mother, but this man is not your Mother and making endless excuses for him will not bring her back. This man has children he should be putting above all other things, yet he's paying off drug dealers, lying that about why he's paying them off....

And why....why...would you need to stay home and risk your job for his selfish stupidity. I'm sorry, but how can you let someone do this to you?

Please, I don't mean to be harsh...but this is an extremely unacceptable situation and I think you are deceiving yourself if you think any good could come of it.

jaynie04

Hi G. I felt the exhaustion in your post….rightly so. You are holding the weight of his addiction on your shoulders, it sounds like it is crushing the life out of you.

Reading you post reminded me of what it was like to be home with a newborn, having to buffer them against the world, anticipate their needs, protect them from harm. Only, he isn't a newborn, he is an adult.

I am glad you took the time to write this down, I think it is important that you acknowledge the facts (you are a very good writer btw, you should consider a career that addresses that). It might seem like love, but if you stop pedaling this bike would fall over. Healthy relationships are based on two people who can stand on their own coming together to enhance each other. There may be periods when the give/take balance is skewed, but it sounds like your balance has always tilted towards him taking.

I know this feels familiar, you grew up with this. We often seek out situations that are familiar, unconsciously hoping we can fix it or do it better. Except it wasn't your job to fix it in your family, and it most definitely isn't your job to fix it with him.

There is a part of you that knows this is damaging to you. Right now, it is a small part that gets drowned in the daily grind of keeping him upright. Start to listen to that voice. What would happen if you got sick, or had a crisis?

You are a very articulate, bright woman, I hope you begin to nourish yourself. The Catch-22's are all over this post…if you find a job you won't be able to guard him, if there is money in the bank he will do drugs. It might be hard to see right now, but the answer to these quandaries is in your hands. I hope you stick around here, there are many who have been where you are, and have come through on the other side. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be able to breathe deeply, you deserve to swim through peaceful waters without dragging a piece of lead behind you. Sending hugs.

cleaninLI

Hi I'm so very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I'm an addict, so I'm seeing this from the other side. I see a lot of red flags in your post.

The first is you met him at a bar. I've met tons of men at bars and not one of them was ever relationship material. Just for the future, never ever expect to meet "the one" at a bar.

Next, you ran to him as soon as he needed you when he was sick in the hospital. That event is what brought you closer. You felt it was something primal that drove you there to be with him....perhaps it was the adrenalin rush that you get when you are needed? You even said yourself that you throw yourself entirely into your relationships. My guess from the outside looking in is that has been your role in the past. Somewhere, at sometime this must have been your role. The nurse-maid....the caretaker....the one who swoops in and fixes things.

Next you moved in with one another after only two months. Relationships are supposed to take time to progress. Usually they have a period of getting to know one another, having fun together, dating, building up a friendship. That takes time. When relationships are built on need and dysfunction....insecurity.....it's usually a rushed experience. The two throw themselves together quickly and latch on.

Next, you quit your job because of him. In healthy relationships your partner would never force you to choose between him and your career. When men are insecure they want you to be dependent on them....it gives them control.

Speaking of control, he's controlling you. All those days off that you must babysit him so that he doesn't use is all manipulation and control on his part. If he needs drugs so badly on his days off.....why wouldn't he need the same while he's working? For an addict, it's much more necessary to use when you need to go to work, function and preform.

You mentioned that he's honest with you. Addiction and honesty cannot go hand in hand. There is a lot you don't know.....many things he's not telling you. My guess is that on his days off, you are there so he needs to make up an excuse to use around you. While at work, you aren't there and don't have to know what he's using. You mentioned paying his dealer off $1200 to delete his number. I'm sorry to say but it looks like you were played into buying his dope for him or paying off his drug debt. Dealers do not require payment to stop calling. A simple warning that call me again and I'll call the cops would have been enough to get that guy off his back.

The picture that you have painted here is a man caught up in active addiction. No matter what the drug is.....alcohol, coke or crack.....a drug is a drug. You are so enmeshed with him, that you can't see that right now. His delusions and denial have become yours as well. My guess is that you are getting something out of this or you wouldn't be there. Perhaps you are addicted to him and the adrenalin rush he gives you?

He is destroying his life and taking you along for the ride. But you can get off anytime you want to.

Read around....find those meetings. You deserve a happy life.

chicory

My dear,

To me, your post screams 'Help me'!

You matter. His life is not the only one being wasted here.

...If he does not realize what is hurting you, then he is just blind.

You are following him down a dead end street.

Please, take yourself to a place where you are safe, free from trying to take care of someone who is mindlessly poisoning his self. Its not your fault, and I am sure it hurts more, and is scarier, because of how you lost your mom. But you have one life to live...yours.

You could be happy. Have a job. A place of your own. maybe a pet to love. friends who care about YOU, and you about them. And after you get some help, you can have a relationship which is built on something real... not adrenaline rushes, or desires to fix broken people, but one in which you receive as well as give.

I hope you think about how good it would feel to have a life with a future. I read today, if you can visualize the goal, you can achieve it.

You have the power and the brains to do it. It appears you are beating a dead horse.. what do you think?

said with compassion, and concern,
chicory

gingasaurus

He was in the hospital for a "stroke-like episode" that was a result of untreated high blood pressure. Of course the doctors all say that the coke was a big part of it too, but he refuses to accept that.

His step-dad always pays for stuff. He's a VP for a big company and has a ton of money. They take care of the kids, he's always bailed my ABF out of trouble and he keeps it all a secret from my ABF's mom. It kills me inside that my ABF is causing marital tensions between his mom and step-dad because of his lies and secrets.

I am exhausted, I think that's what pushed me to the point of seeking guidance and help here. I don't know how I can keep doing it. And I've thought about what would happen if I wasn't around. I thought about visiting my grandparents for a week or something to give myself a break, but I'm so afraid the entire time I'm gone he'll be using. I know that's not my fault, but part of me still feels like it would be if I can prevent it.

I think you hit the nail on the head. I've always been a caretaker. From my mom with her addiction, my great-grandma when she lived with us when I was little (she was elderly and couldn't walk, bathe herself, feed herself, etc.), to my little step-sister (taking care of her while her dad was drunk and my mom was on pills), to every relationship I've ever been in. I feel it's my responsibility to take care of everyone and I only feel worthwhile if I'm needed.

I've been to therapy in the past for some depression issues and my therapist told me that I'm an empath and that makes it very hard to differentiate others' problems from my own. I feel everyone's emotions as if they're happening to me, so if anyone is hurting or sad or upset it's my mission to make it all better because I can't be better until they're better.


Anyway, I want to thank you all for the comments, they mean a ton (especially the insight and encouragement), I think I have a long road ahead of me.

I have considered leaving him, but I want to make this work. Our good times are so amazing and fantastic that they've always made up for the bad times, but the scales are tipping and I don't know how to handle it. Also, his three daughters, I love them like they're my own. His mom is awesome, too, they've all become my family and I don't want to lose them but I have no right to them if we weren't together anymore. The girls have already lost one mom (and a step-mom who decided she didn't want to be a full time mom when their mom passed) and I don't want to put them through that again when it's not their fault.

I want to tell him I'm at my breaking point. I want to explain that I don't want him to keep killing himself. I want him to know that we can fight his addiction together if he'll just give it a chance. I don't want his rock bottom to be losing me. I don't want to leave him and him overdose within a year. I couldn't live with myself. I just don't know how to have that conversation with him. He'll get defensive, or worse, dismissive.

For now, I guess it's best to just focus on myself and hope that he wants to come along for the ride, too. It's just scary to think that this is the beginning of the end.

bellanoviella

I hope you find through meetings and talking with people on this site that you DO deserve better. You seem extremely intelligent, and though you may love him, his priorities are no where near where they should be. You mentioned he has a daughter, but you mentioned that only once.. You didn't say anything about if he spends time with her or what their relationship is like, I know that's not the focus of this post, but if you picture yourself spending the rest of your life with him.. wouldn't you want him to be involved in his kids lives? He may be a wonderful man when he is sober, but those days seem like they are far and few between.

I just kicked my boyfriend out of the house for his drug use, relapse after relapse after relapse over the past month and a half, because I simply cannot live like that. It was very hard to do, I miss him so much.. But I couldn't allow that in my house anymore. Terrified of whether that hit will be his last, being angry watching someone I LOVE being taken over by a drug, and simply knowing this isn't the life I wanted made me realize that I DESERVE BETTER.

Like you, I love my boyfriend.. I could absolutely see myself spending the rest of my life with him, but not until he gets his **** together. I am not in to drugs. It tears peoples lives apart and destroys the person who is abusing them.. It took me too long to realize I needed to focus on me. I love me. And should have never spent more time worrying about him, than on myself.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you can gather some independence so you can break free from this dysfunctional love that you are currently in.

Be well & take care. :hugs:

Needabreak

I left my ex partner, who was an alcoholic and a cocaine user, late last year.

I just found out this morning that his best friend and using buddy ran over three separate people while going on a drug run. They were together in the car. Apparently they panicked after they hit the first person and drove away, then hit two more people. One of the three people they hit was a woman, the mother of 4 children. She's dead now.

The police found cocaine in the car and my ex and his buddy are both facing felony drug charges. The police went back to my ex's drug buddy's house. They found more cocaine there and also arrested his wife on felony cocaine possession charges. She, like you, was desperate to pull him out of that life and make him a good husband. She's out on bail now, but the kids were taken by CPS.

I'm still in a state of shock over this and haven't really processed it. But I am so so thankful that I ended the relationship last year, and don't have a front row seat, or worse, charges against me -- or worst of all, a terrible sense of guilt for the people who were hit by my ex's buddy's car.

People say here that addiction is a progressive disease. In my experience that is SO true. If you choose to stay with him be very careful. You are playing with fire. It can get very bad very quickly -- more quickly than you can imagine.

gingasaurus

His kids live with his parents, they're teenagers now (16 & 14, the 19 year old lives on her own out of state). We see them once a week, typically and he's great with them. He put them through hell when they were younger, and they definitely still bear the scars of that, but their relationship is really good now. He calls them every day on his way to work and talks to them about their homework and school and stuff. Every once and a while they'll spend the night with us, we just don't have a lot of space, living in a hotel.

I used to be really sold on the idea of marriage with him. Desperate, in fact. But the past few days I've realized I really don't want to marry him until he's gotten his act together. Until he's been clean at least a year. It's already going to be hard enough to get out of this if I need to, I don't want to add legal proceedings to the mix.

That's so scary, and something I've been thinking about a lot since I've joined up here, as well. If he really cared about me the way he says and made me a priority, he wouldn't put me in the position where I could go to jail or worse. The couple of times I've taken him to get stuff he always tells me "if anything happens just leave me and go", and I'm thinking, if it gets to that point, where you're giving me that warning, shouldn't you reconsider what you're doing? But addiction isn't rational like that.

Needabreak

I used to get caught up in the thought loop you're describing, Gingasaurus, but eventually I realized that he didn't really care about me, and when he said he did he was lying.

It is very important to watch their actions and not listen to their words. It is the actions that tell the truth.

And lastly, there was a stage that I went through when I was totally focused on him, and the worst thing I could possibly imagine was losing him. Eventually I realized that I had lost myself, and was using him as a distraction from my own issues.

I am so thankful not to be in that mental space anymore. There is a way out of this, but it means letting go and bringing your focus back onto yourself.

Croissant

Ginga....I know my post probably seemed harsh. Please know I just feel so sad you are so immersed in this and deserve so much better from your life.

Don't let affection for his children hold you back. It's admirable, but his own parents are looking after them.

Honestly, he has to want to do this for himself. There is nothing you can do except ask him if or when he might be ready. And if his own Father is buying his drugs, then it's a foul situation, there's no real reason for him to give up, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry it feels so hard to get out of.

cleaninLI

Croissant is spot on. It looks like he weaved a very nice life that will protect his addiction. That's what we (addicts in active addiction) do. At least that's what I did. I purposely selected people in my life that would make it easy to continue my lifestyle. I played upon their sensitivities and weakness to achieve what I needed most.....my DOC. I knew just what to tell my father to get him to send me money.....I knew just what to tell my husband to get him off my back......to make them feel sorry for me. I used every excuse imaginable to protect my addiction. When it was easy for me to continue using....I never thought about changing. It never occurred to me. They say discomfort creates change. When my family finally wised-up and stopped inabling is when I started thinking about what I was doing...that's when I felt the need to change.

They also say that when the fear of the SAME becomes greater then the fear of CHANGE....a person will Make CHANGES. Perhaps you are not there yet.....but I think you are pretty close. Until you're ready, please take steps to protect yourself....do not allow drugs in your car or your home.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

hopeful4

Eventually you are going to want a normal life with marriage and children. Is this the type of life you really want to live. He is not going to change. He is finding excuses.

As I told my addict X husband, there will always be something. A death, a celebration, weather changes, something all the time. Unless he finds a way to deal with those triggers he will never be well. I have faced that it likely the case. We have two beautiful daughters and I cannot tell you how much addiction has impacted their lives. It's tragic.

Please take care of you. Look at the big picture and ask yourself if this is what you want out of life?

Big Big Hugs.

Refiner

Oh, wow G. You do realize, don't you, that you think you're exhausted now? If you do this, it will remain this way FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE... always worried he's going to "use" again and needing to "be there for him".