James86

It's been a few months since I've written on here and that's because my boyfriend finally went to rehab after 2.5 months of being on his own. He got arrested and had no where left to go. I took him to rehab and visited him every weekend. Sadly, the treatment was only 30 days. However, he was who I always hoped he'd be. He was great afterwards too. But here were are -- two months after he was released from rehab and the odd behavior started again. He made friends with people in NA and started going out 5-12 every night. He said he needed these friends for support and that's how it works. I believe he went to meetings. I took him the first few weeks. He collected tags up to 90 days. But I found out that two weekends ago, when he was supposed to be at a recovery sleepover at a friend's house, he was really at a gay bar, dancing for money with his friends from NA, who i've always suspected had a huge crush on my bf. Then I found out that he not only works for this gay bar now, but he also went to NYC to dance as well the following friday night, when he was supposed to be watching a friend's boyfriend's band play. They were out so late that they "crashed as a friends." Did I mention he came home the next morning reeking of alcohol? He said he ****** up and had to change. Two days later, he was out all night without explanation. Out of 30 phone calls, none were answered. Luckily, I found out his story before he returned home. I found the number to the gay bar in his contacts on icloud, called it, and found out everything. He returned home drunk and his eyelids looked heavy. I told him everything I knew and asked him to get out. Maybe I was too harsh, but after all the lying, the immature behavior, the disrespect and endless talks of "I'm acting immature and I have to change," without any real change, I thought it was time to ask him to leave. This is also after I told him countless times I felt neglected by him and he didn't need to be out with his NA friends ALL DAY, every day. He said that's part of the program and that he needs these friends, otherwise he'd return to the old bad ones. I guess he clung to the wrong people in NA meetings.

I'm supposed to meet him to "talk" tomorrow, but from what I've heard from his mother, he's still planning on dancing at the gay bar this weekend and I saw him on grindr (online dating app). He doesn't seem remorseful. My friends tell me to do something different this time -- really make him feel like I'm done with him. Don't let him think he can come back whenever he wants like I have other times before over the past 8 years.

What's the best way to get someone to want to be clean? Is it by making them pay their own bills and have consequences for their poor decisions? Is it leaving them for good? I don't want to enable, but I also have hope that one day he can finally be clean.

bellanoviella

I'm struggling with the same problem right now.. how to help someone want to be clean. My boyfriend is currently clean (only 1 week, nothing drastic), but how to help him want to STAY clean is a whole other issue. The advice I've received is sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they realize that's not the life they want anymore. THEY have to want it, you cannot force them to get clean/stay clean. They have to want it bad enough and use the willpower to make it happen. First, you should definitely stop paying his bills.. He's using you and walking all over you because it seems like you've allowed it. Make him grow up by showing him you're not going to support him anymore.

I hope things work out for you, and I feel for you. But don't lose focus on yourself. Don't get so wrapped up in his ******** that you lose sight of who you are and your life.

jjj111

One thing I have learned dealing with addicts is that you just can't change people, no matter how hard you try. We only get to control one life in this world, our own. Because you can't change him, my suggestion is to try to accept who he is today and decide whether this is the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with. Are you willing to accept drug abuse, lying, and running around behind your back? Because that is who he is right now, love it or leave it.

Twofish

James86, I tent to agree with jjj111. Nope, you can't change him or his addictions. Especially the lying. Is he stealing from you? He certainly is deceiving you then putting you on a guilt trip to welcome him back. And the circle goes round and round.
This will be hard on you considering you have been together for 8 years.
I guess I would tell him that there are going to be consequences for his actions and stick to it. Do you really want to live like this, with your partner, forever? Love or no love. It hurts now, think of how it will hurt in another 8 years...addiction, indeed, you cannot compete with. I won't go as far as to say get out running now, but, think how he has treated and lied to you so far, still up for it? Give him some consequences, stick to them and then decide.
Much support for you and please take good care of yourself. TF

zoso77

You thought right.

You bring up an interesting point here. Addicts, generally speaking, have very poor boundaries. And what often happens in meetings is people with poor boundaries get together and form very intense relationships in a short period of time. They're bonding over common experiences. The addict may value the relationships they form in the Fellowship more than their relationships outside of it. And there are times when the addict will use the program to justify poor behavior. It happens every day in every meeting all across this country.

So, allow me to be blunt.

What do you do? Simple: what's best for you. And that means making an honest, pragmatic, dispassionate decision about what is best for you. Not what necessarily want. What is best.

Be forewarned: if you kick his arse to the curb for good, he will come back all apologetic. He will beg. He will promise that he'll change. He will instinctively, and without conscience, try to manipulate you to get back into your good graces.

If you want to be done with him, be done. Ride out the emotional upheaval (which will suck) as best you can. If need be, block him on all social media and change your number. There are worse things than pain. There are worse things than heartache. And that is living with an addict who continues to make destructive choices.

Do what you have to do.

ZoSo

chicory

I have a question. Do you think that him stopping drinking is going to change who he is? Is he going to be faithful then? Do you think he only does these immature things because he drinks?

And do you think that this is the best you can do?

If his behavior makes you unhappy, will manipulating him by fear make him respect you? It may make him afraid that he will not have someone to support him. But is that going to be satisfying to you?

read the stickies here. and you will learn a lot about drinking and what it does to people. And maybe some of what normal boundaries are.

I hope you stick around and read, read, read.

James86

I want him to realize what he lost. If I am hoping for a better outcome with him, is the best thing to give the addict consequences -- for example, with drugs he can't have me. I know that won't make him stop using, but won't it essentially push him closer to rock bottom? I hope to be with him again one day.

chicory

If refusing to be with our addicts would get them to quit, I would shout joyously from the rooftops. Refusing to be with them is for our benefit. You cannot do anything to change him.

I guess it all depends on what you want in a relationship.

Take care of you.

zoso77

If you're hoping for a better outcome with him, you are banking on a low probability event. You have observed his behavior up close and personal; thus, you have witnessed all you need to know should you choose to accept what you've seen.

It is not your place to push him closer to rock bottom. As self destructive as he might be behaving, he has the right to make his own decisions. If/when they blow up in his face, that's his problem, not yours.

If you want a dose of what you're truly up against, go read some members posts about their addict children. Most of the time, it's not a happy ending. There is one thing in this world more powerful than the love of a mother for her child, and that is addiction. Those posts will both move you and horrify you. Read them as often as you can.

ZoSo

Vows2013

I am new to this site as of a few minutes ago. I have been married since November 2013. I originally thought he was using pain medications but a few months ago I found out that he is using heroin. He has been telling me that he snorts it but I found out from a "friend" of his yesterday that he is shooting up. I have a 12 year old son that he treats like his own and my son is crazy about him. The past month this has gotten unbearable. He went to detox for 4 days about a month ago and fooled me into thinking that he was ok. Well come to find out he started using about two days after he was out if not sooner. I just found out that he pawned my son's Wii and Wii games which my son does not use anymore but still. He also pawned a digital camera and a video camera. He lies so much that he believes the lies he tells even when I am sitting there telling him that I know the truth. I made vows before God to stay through better or worse and sickness or health. Any advice from people that have been through the same would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel so hopeless and depressed.

Karrets

Hi vows. I completely understand your situation. It is the same fire me and my husband. He went to rehab 3rd time and left he's been missing for 6 days now.. He's not called people say it's the shame. It's this and that. The honest answer is he wants to use...... They steal cause they don't care..... All they want it to do is use. You have a choice. What are you willing to take. If my husband phoned today I would tell him. I can't have you in my life till you are clean. Your choice but he won't stop stealing lying until he is clean. Also your not the only one who made vows so did your husband. To houner and obey.... to give respect..I clearly see your commitment where is his.... and yes he is ill but stay on here and see how many people have the courage to quit......because they wanted to.

Karrets

Vows get to a meeting Alan on or naranon you need people to talk to and put the focus back on you and your son xxx my heart goes out to you. You can't fix this for him only you can get better

Ann

One of my favourite authors on codependency, Melody Beattie, wrote "Nothing is more frustrating than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give."

As sad as it all is, it is what it is and the only person who can change him is him...and it doesn't look like he plans to do that anytime soon. He has nothing to give.

You are worth so much more than this. Don't settle for "if only's" and "what if's". That is living in an illusion that will only bring more pain.

I hope you find your peace with all this.

Hugs