How do I rebuild my Self Esteem and learn to love myself?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
How do I rebuild my Self Esteem and learn to love myself?
It's been a long time since I posted... Things in my relationship and my life have been going really well.. I attend Alanon regularly, make program calls, pray on a daily basis, created a God box, I am working the steps, sharing at meetings, with program friends, etc... Bottom line is I am really really trying to build a healthy, accepting and loving relationship with myself. Being in a relationship has really put a spot light on my character defects.. I'm super jealous, controlling, insecure, etc - You name it, I have it. At times these defects are so intense that that they make me crazy in my relationship causing me to believe and tell myself that he is going to leave me one day or I get extremely insecure when a beautiful woman walks by, etc.. I don't want to feel this way anymore.. When my disease attacks, it causes me to project my stuff on to him.Most of the time he is understanding, but sometimes he gets really frustrated with me, which causes us to argue. The past few days, I've been obsessing about him leaving me for his ex who he hasn't seen in 8 years... She was with him before he went away, so I constantly worry about "will his feelings come back once he sees her?" "will he leave me for her after everything we have been through?" etc.... She is extremely pretty which makes me feel even worse... I know this sounds childish, but honestly this is how I feel. I've shared about it today and was a sobbing mess... I just want to love myself.. That's what it all comes down to.. I've been hurt so many times and put so much effort into saving others, that I lost myself.. My eyes just filled up as I typed that last line.. I just want to feel ok- feel like I am worth it to be loved... My boyfriend reassures me so many times day after day and I just can't believe it- can't see it.. I never realized how broken I really am... I guess I never took the time to focus on myself either... I'm finishing up my 4th step tonight and I really am working my program..I just hope I can start believing I am worth it.. I do think I am pretty and have a lot of good qualities, but my disease really over powers me when it comes to my relationship with myself and how I handle things in my relationship with my boyfriend.. If anyone can help me and suggest some things that has helped them with their self esteem/ self love I would be truly grateful. I'm 31yrs old and this is the first time in my life I am really doing something for myself.. I know the road ahead isn't going to be easy, but I will continue to fight .. I have an 11yr old boy who means the world to me and I too am his world.. I just want to get healthy, so he doesn't have to go through the struggles and heartache that I am going through because of my emotional behaviors.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
For me, I have been working on just sitting with the bad feelings instead of always trying to solve them or avoid.
Knowing that I actually CAN handle them without crumbling, makes me feel less afraid of being hurt in the future, because I know I will be able to handle it.
Number two is to never compare. We never have access to anyone elses inner life, so who knows if this prettier ex of his is actually a gargoyle inside who could never ever actually threaten your relationship. The only person to compare yourself to is yourself. Are you growing and learning? (Of course you are, you are doing your steps!) Then you are doing great and better than ever.
Number three of my totally untrained advice is to say out loud what is bugging you and then answer yourself as though your best girlfriend just said that to you. What would you tell her to help her? Would you ask her over an over to repeat what is wrong, or would you try to look for something she can do or think to help? So tell yourself that thing! With practice this becomes automatic and you will find that you are naturally becoming more positive about everything because you get used to looking for solutions instead of just examining the problems more and more closely.
Knowing that I actually CAN handle them without crumbling, makes me feel less afraid of being hurt in the future, because I know I will be able to handle it.
Number two is to never compare. We never have access to anyone elses inner life, so who knows if this prettier ex of his is actually a gargoyle inside who could never ever actually threaten your relationship. The only person to compare yourself to is yourself. Are you growing and learning? (Of course you are, you are doing your steps!) Then you are doing great and better than ever.
Number three of my totally untrained advice is to say out loud what is bugging you and then answer yourself as though your best girlfriend just said that to you. What would you tell her to help her? Would you ask her over an over to repeat what is wrong, or would you try to look for something she can do or think to help? So tell yourself that thing! With practice this becomes automatic and you will find that you are naturally becoming more positive about everything because you get used to looking for solutions instead of just examining the problems more and more closely.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I agree. We seem to forget who we are in all of this. I feel like a fat troll everyday. Some days I can't even look in the mirror at myself. Self esteem issues, IMO, is going to be the hardest to overcome, but with time and being easy on ourselves when we slip will help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions... I am really going to do my best at building my self esteem. Diet and exercise definitely help, but that is also something I struggle with.. I do great for awhile and then fall off and so on... I am trying to focus on today and take life one day at a time. I am a beautiful person inside and out and that is something I need to tell myself numerous times day after day until I can recognize my beauty and accept myself as I am. Today I got up and asked God to help me focus just on today and to give me the tools that I need to be the best that I can be.. I am proud to say that I and went running before work and made a protein shake for breakfast. I know the journey ahead isn't going to be easy, but I have to believe that I am worth all the hard work and effort it is going to take and that it is progress not perfection 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
kkallday,
I could have written this. I understand your pain. I know how guilty you feel, for giving your boyfriend a hard time, with your insecurity. I also know how terribly consuming that jealousy is, and how hard it is to overcome.
I wish I could say that I did overcome it. Instead, I got out of marriages, and relationships. To be fair to myself, I chose badly in marriages.... and it stirred my insecurities terribly.
I had an alcoholic father. He had other daughters from former marriages. He would always talk about how beautiful they were. and they were. Its just that I never heard him say that about me. I guess he felt sad that he had children all around the USA, and bragged, maybe because he could not brag about much else. They seemed to be his badge of glory. I have often wondered if this is why I have always been so afraid that if someone is prettier than me, I was in danger of being abandoned. My dad abandoned us many times. I never had his devotion.
I have analyzed myself over and over. I threw my jealous fits, begged forgiveness, and promised to be better. I never could overcome it though. Now I realize that men will look at other women and appreciate them, often, and it does not mean that they do not love their woman. They are not betraying you, by seeing someone pretty. but thats how I felt. There is no way that a man can totally devote his eyes to only one woman. its just in their make up.
I think that I needed to learn that I am not in danger because someone is prettier (because I was very pretty in my younger days and got my share of attention from other men), but I was in danger when I displayed my crazy jealousy! Nothing pushes someone away quicker than being controlled and caged .
You know, I see some ladies who are not so great looking whose men love them totally, because its that beautiful woman on the inside that really satisfies a man. A confident woman is much more attractive to a man, than a beautiful crazy woman (I was).
Please, if you can get some counsel for yourself, it might help you to escape from the grip that insecurity has on your life.
You must realize that no matter what, if someone loves you, they will love you, no matter who is prettier. We do not have to be the prettiest thing they see, to be safe.
I could go on and on, but I will stop. I can only tell you that a lot, and I mean, the majority of my life was spent in pain, and insecurity. I lost the biggest love of my life because he did not want to deal with my insecurity anymore. He turned out to be shallow, would not date heavy women, made fun, I saw him on match dot com and I was glad that he was not in my life.
sometimes I was right... my guy was a letch, and unfaithful, but still, jealousy should not have been a part of it at all. Healthy women will love themselves and not be shaken by any pretty woman who walks by. Trust..... thats what its all about....
Trust yourself, that no matter what happens, you will be alright. You don't need someone to only see you. your beautiful heart will keep them wanting you, not your outside. and if they are that shallow, you will feel it. run, if you do. you deserve a faithful man, and I believe that if I had met the right man, I might have trusted. not sure. dont know if I want to find out, since I am comfortable alone now.
Maybe some self talk will help you too. You do not have to be the prettiest on the outside, remember that. only your inside is what matters. let your inner beauty shine. and trust that you are enough, just as you are.
if you ever wanna talk, you can pm me. I found that not many women in this world were as eaten up with jealousy as myself. and not many understood.
that tells me that it isn't healthy to be that way. and there has to be a way to change. Trust.. find a man you trust, for sure.
I could have written this. I understand your pain. I know how guilty you feel, for giving your boyfriend a hard time, with your insecurity. I also know how terribly consuming that jealousy is, and how hard it is to overcome.
I wish I could say that I did overcome it. Instead, I got out of marriages, and relationships. To be fair to myself, I chose badly in marriages.... and it stirred my insecurities terribly.
I had an alcoholic father. He had other daughters from former marriages. He would always talk about how beautiful they were. and they were. Its just that I never heard him say that about me. I guess he felt sad that he had children all around the USA, and bragged, maybe because he could not brag about much else. They seemed to be his badge of glory. I have often wondered if this is why I have always been so afraid that if someone is prettier than me, I was in danger of being abandoned. My dad abandoned us many times. I never had his devotion.
I have analyzed myself over and over. I threw my jealous fits, begged forgiveness, and promised to be better. I never could overcome it though. Now I realize that men will look at other women and appreciate them, often, and it does not mean that they do not love their woman. They are not betraying you, by seeing someone pretty. but thats how I felt. There is no way that a man can totally devote his eyes to only one woman. its just in their make up.
I think that I needed to learn that I am not in danger because someone is prettier (because I was very pretty in my younger days and got my share of attention from other men), but I was in danger when I displayed my crazy jealousy! Nothing pushes someone away quicker than being controlled and caged .
You know, I see some ladies who are not so great looking whose men love them totally, because its that beautiful woman on the inside that really satisfies a man. A confident woman is much more attractive to a man, than a beautiful crazy woman (I was).
Please, if you can get some counsel for yourself, it might help you to escape from the grip that insecurity has on your life.
You must realize that no matter what, if someone loves you, they will love you, no matter who is prettier. We do not have to be the prettiest thing they see, to be safe.
I could go on and on, but I will stop. I can only tell you that a lot, and I mean, the majority of my life was spent in pain, and insecurity. I lost the biggest love of my life because he did not want to deal with my insecurity anymore. He turned out to be shallow, would not date heavy women, made fun, I saw him on match dot com and I was glad that he was not in my life.
sometimes I was right... my guy was a letch, and unfaithful, but still, jealousy should not have been a part of it at all. Healthy women will love themselves and not be shaken by any pretty woman who walks by. Trust..... thats what its all about....
Trust yourself, that no matter what happens, you will be alright. You don't need someone to only see you. your beautiful heart will keep them wanting you, not your outside. and if they are that shallow, you will feel it. run, if you do. you deserve a faithful man, and I believe that if I had met the right man, I might have trusted. not sure. dont know if I want to find out, since I am comfortable alone now.
Maybe some self talk will help you too. You do not have to be the prettiest on the outside, remember that. only your inside is what matters. let your inner beauty shine. and trust that you are enough, just as you are.
if you ever wanna talk, you can pm me. I found that not many women in this world were as eaten up with jealousy as myself. and not many understood.
that tells me that it isn't healthy to be that way. and there has to be a way to change. Trust.. find a man you trust, for sure.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too lost myself in my codependency and reached a point where I needed to get to know "that stranger called me" and learn to love her...warts and all.
Something that helped was reading...and believing...affirmations each morning.
"I am a blessed child of God, worthy of love and respect."
"Today I will be the best person I can be and know that is more than good enough."
"I accept today as a gift to grow, to learn and to love myself and live with dignity and grace."
"I have all that I need to make this a great day of my life."
"Today I will trust my inner wisdom and make healthy decisions."
"I choose to be happy today and live in gratitude."
And my favourite...
"I will embrace today and all the joy in it without regret of yesterday or fear of tomorrow."
My grandfather had a special saying that made sense to me as I got older...
"Get up early every morning and dress like you have something important to do."
My grandfather was one of the happiest, most wonderful people ever in spite of the fact that his life had been as filled with hardship and difficult times. His attitude was gratitude for each day and it showed...he was beautiful inside and out.
Hugs
Something that helped was reading...and believing...affirmations each morning.
"I am a blessed child of God, worthy of love and respect."
"Today I will be the best person I can be and know that is more than good enough."
"I accept today as a gift to grow, to learn and to love myself and live with dignity and grace."
"I have all that I need to make this a great day of my life."
"Today I will trust my inner wisdom and make healthy decisions."
"I choose to be happy today and live in gratitude."
And my favourite...
"I will embrace today and all the joy in it without regret of yesterday or fear of tomorrow."
My grandfather had a special saying that made sense to me as I got older...
"Get up early every morning and dress like you have something important to do."
My grandfather was one of the happiest, most wonderful people ever in spite of the fact that his life had been as filled with hardship and difficult times. His attitude was gratitude for each day and it showed...he was beautiful inside and out.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
Your words really hit home, I can’t thank you enough.. I am really trying to change and work on a better me… I don’t even know how to do it, but the past couple of days I have been eating healthy, exercising, asking my HP to help me be the best I can be just for today and talking about my feelings. I am also reciting several times throughout the day – Just because I am not perfect looking, doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful. I really want to love and accept myself for who I am.. It’s a terrible and painful feeling and unfortunately these feelings have caused a lot of sadness in my life for a very long time. Chicory if it’s ok I may take you up on the messaging.. I need to get better , I cannot be a prisoner anymore inside my own mind and body.. Just for today, I am feeling ok with myself Thanks again!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My favourite poet is a Sufi named Rumi who wrote wonderful poetry about life and living well and spirituality. This is one of his best, on beauty.
You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It's too bad that you want to be someone else
You don't see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.
Rumi
You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It's too bad that you want to be someone else
You don't see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.
Rumi
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
I'm proud to report that while me and my boyfriend were out at a school festival tonight, I noticed his ex's father was there too... I'm pretty sure he noticed him too.. At first I felt a knife in the heart wondering if she was there too but I quietly said the serenity prayer in my head and acted as if I never saw him.. I'm sure he knows that I did but I'm really happy I didn't react on my fear... It was awkward but nobody knew that but me... I thanked God tonight for giving me the tools to stay strong in my program and myself. Xo
I also am proud I didn't cave in and eat a funnel cake!
I also am proud I didn't cave in and eat a funnel cake!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
You know, you are making me think about what a counselor told me once. She said that we have these tapes in our heads, and some of them need to go... like the ones that say "Danger, threat ahead".
We can replace them with healthy tapes. Things that maybe we did not get to put there as young children. Maybe like "My inner beauty is what matters most". there are lots of good books on self esteem.
You are perfect just as you are. Not how much you weigh, or if you are prettier than another. What ever makes you feel good about yourself, focus on doing those things.
hugs to you. Someday, I hope you feel secure enough to not feel threatened by the presence of anyone else.. I wish you that beautiful freedom.
We can replace them with healthy tapes. Things that maybe we did not get to put there as young children. Maybe like "My inner beauty is what matters most". there are lots of good books on self esteem.
You are perfect just as you are. Not how much you weigh, or if you are prettier than another. What ever makes you feel good about yourself, focus on doing those things.
hugs to you. Someday, I hope you feel secure enough to not feel threatened by the presence of anyone else.. I wish you that beautiful freedom.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Chic, please do not let anyone else define who you are. You are as pretty as, as good as, as kind as, as worthy as...anyone else.
We ARE as we think. If we think we are less than, if we think we are threatened by someone else's beauty, we will reflect insecurity and low self-esteem.
If we embrace who we are, the best people we know how to be, and accept our differences as just that, differences, we will shine.
The real threat is not that someone else may be perceived as more beautiful that you, the threat is that you perceive yourself as less than.
The answer lies within. As does true beauty.
Hugs
We ARE as we think. If we think we are less than, if we think we are threatened by someone else's beauty, we will reflect insecurity and low self-esteem.
If we embrace who we are, the best people we know how to be, and accept our differences as just that, differences, we will shine.
The real threat is not that someone else may be perceived as more beautiful that you, the threat is that you perceive yourself as less than.
The answer lies within. As does true beauty.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by Vale 
Nice save...thanks Ann!
(see gang? I wasn't being stupid---
(see gang? I wasn't being stupid---
-I was just going for a sly, sophisticated
double entendre Greta Garbo reference).
double entendre Greta Garbo reference).
I would never have thought otherwise, Vale
I'm just always happy when I can follow along with one of your posts!
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