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How can i help?

Old 05-26-2014, 08:15 PM
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How can i help?

New here. This may be kind of long, but here's A little back story... We've been together for about 4 years, married for almost 2.. Before we started dating, he used to have an OC addiction, but got clean and sober and started his own business.
A year ago, my husband met some old buddies of his and they began to smoke bud. In the fall he also tried some painkillers. In the winter he began to act more distant and depressed. & we also found out we're pregnant. Finally in January he came clean that he had occasionally been using heroin for a couple of weeks. He went through withdrawals and stopped using for about 2 or 3 weeks, then relapsed in February.. Our life began to revolve around this addiction.. Vacations and trips all had to be planned around how he would get his fix. It was a very lonely time for me, especially being pregnant with our first child. He kept saying he was going to quit, but that he had to taper off first. He kept postponing it, out of fear of withdrawals. Fast forward to the beginning of this month: his probation officer came to check up on him unannounced to our new house (he has been on unsupervised probation and was 5 months from finishing it completely and getting off). He tested positive for opiates, and they also found a pack of syringes. He got taken to jail overnight. This was a wake up call for him, seeing how quickly he could lose everything. He got out, used a small dose once, then waited 24 hours to start on suboxone. It didn't help much, and he didn't want to use it for too long, so he cut off using that too after about 4 days. The physical withdrawals haven't been too bad, just some chills/leg twitches/trouble sleeping at this point. But emotionally, I don't even know what to do anymore :/ his business hasn't been going very well recently, so he hasn't had work. We sit at home & he gets really bored and depressed and hopeless about life. He gets irritated and says he's sick of me or that I'm too boring (I'm 7 months pregnant, not exactly the life of the party right now..) it's just really hard trying to assure him that things will get better he has OCD also, so he feels like even after withdrawals he'll never be "normal" or happy.. Some days he says he wishes he was dead and that he had overdosed & that I had just left him when we first met so that he didn't ruin my life. It hurts feeling like me and our future son aren't enough to live for.. I wish I could make this all better for him. I try to just love him but sometimes I get so frustrated and hurt and irritated. Not to mention hormonal. I guess I just needed somewhere to let it out.. Because I feel so alone. None of our family knows except his sister. I feel like I'm doing this whole pregnancy alone, and like this whole new chapter of our lives is going to be tainted memories.. In what ways can I support and help him through the mental part of withdrawals? Where he can't really feel any pleasure from life anymore? :/ I feel like he's pushing me away..
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Old 05-26-2014, 08:27 PM
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Why don't your families know?
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Old 05-26-2014, 08:29 PM
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Hi Periwinkle,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this alone. Do you have any family that you can go and stay with? Does he get violent when he uses? I think you need to find a safe home for you and your baby, you don't want him exposed to these dangers. You will find a lot of support here. I wish you and your baby well. You deserve better than this.
((( HUGS)))
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Old 05-26-2014, 08:29 PM
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We sit at home & he gets really bored and depressed and hopeless about life. He gets irritated and says he's sick of me or that I'm too boring (I'm 7 months pregnant, not exactly the life of the party right now..)
This is a terrible way to live and sadly, the timing is awful. No wonder you're sad, I'm glad you found us and hope you find some comfort here knowing we all understand.

Take a good read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum and you'll find a lot of good information there. The time will come when you will need to decide if you want to stay in this relationship and raise your child in a home where addiction lives, if he doesn't get clean and stay clean.

If you can, maybe talk to your family. The time may come when you will need them if things don't work out where you are.

Keeping you both in my prayers, addiction truly is a family disease.

Hugs
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Old 05-26-2014, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by sevenofnine View Post
Why don't your families know?
We just didn't ever tell them, because it would be more drama than help.. His sister knows, because my husband trusts her. I talk to her occasionally about what's going on..
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Old 05-26-2014, 08:38 PM
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It honestly is.. It's hard enough being pregnant, let alone being responsible for upholding and supporting someone else emotionally too, with no support of your own.. & since I'm in the third trimester I've been very tired and haven't wanted to do much other than sleep and lounge at home. I try to go out and we'll hang out with his family or go bowling or to a movie, I just don't have the energy for every day to be full of activities, and at his stage of withdrawals he needs that constant stimulation. Thanks for the advice, I'll look into those posts. From the ones I've read so far, seems like there's a lot of women on here that know exactly how I feel so that's a little encouraging.
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Old 05-26-2014, 08:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Hope2014 View Post
Hi Periwinkle, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this alone. Do you have any family that you can go and stay with? Does he get violent when he uses? I think you need to find a safe home for you and your baby, you don't want him exposed to these dangers. You will find a lot of support here. I wish you and your baby well. You deserve better than this. ((( HUGS)))
Hi, thank you. No he doesn't ever get violent. He is safe to be around, it's just been difficult emotionally. He's at a point in his withdrawals where it's been about 2 weeks so he's emotionally flat and can't really feel excitement/happiness in anything. He just feels bored and dull and hopeless. I wouldn't really want to leave and stay with my family, because I'm really all he has right now and I'm trying to be strong for him.. I know he'll get through this, it's just going to be a rough couple of weeks.. Just gotta keep encouraging him about the light at the end of the tunnel I guess..
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Old 05-26-2014, 08:43 PM
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I imagine a lot more people know than his sister. When I was drinking I thought I was successfully hiding it. Everyone around me knew, but didn't say it.
There's no shame in going to your family for support. You need as much support as possible. Is your husband willing to get help before the baby comes?
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Old 05-26-2014, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Hope2014 View Post
I imagine a lot more people know than his sister. When I was drinking I thought I was successfully hiding it. Everyone around me knew, but didn't say it. There's no shame in going to your family for support. You need as much support as possible. Is your husband willing to get help before the baby comes?
Yea, that's possible. Either way, I feel like that's not a conversation I'm ready to have.. My family is one where if they knew, we would know it. All hell would break loose. So not really something I want to handle on top of everything else..
Yes, with his probation violation they are going to have him do some kind of treatment. He has tried the group classes before and didn't really find them beneficial, but he's been willing to try some kind of outpatient program. He just doesn't want to be put on any kind of pills. He's been reading a lot and taking natural organic things that help ease withdrawals and detox your body. So he has been very proactive and I am very proud of his progress.. Especially considering how much he was using. & that he basically cut everything off within a span of like 5 days.. But yea. He has a friend that got clean and has been there for him to talk and support him through these feelings and encouraging him to exercise and keep a healthy diet & Etc.. Just some days are harder than others I guess, & he'll be very depressed and hopeless and distant..
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Old 05-27-2014, 05:30 AM
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You are not 'all he has'. He has himself to rely on (as do you) and sometimes we need to be forced to rely to know we can.
Needing constant stim seems like avoidance to me, where being willing to feel discomfort and accept it is a powerful and empowering experience.

Sending strength
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Old 05-27-2014, 10:27 AM
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It's not your job to keep him entertained. He is a grown up who will have to learn to take care of himself. He needs to do this to stay clean and sober.

Your posts are all about him, what about you? Your needs are what you need to concern yourself with. Get the rest that you need and take care of yourself.
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Old 05-27-2014, 01:09 PM
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Yes, he is a grown man... He told me that he needs his space and I'm always in his face.. Is it possible to be there too much for a person? I've just tried to be by his side because at this stage in his withdrawals it's all emotional and sometimes he gets suicidal thoughts and I just want to be there to reassure him of what's reality and what's just in his head because of these withdrawals.. I don't know how to help from a distance. I get so scared.
I have been trying to rest.. & started taking walks outside to get out of the house and get moving.. I guess I just have to trust him to get this figured out on his own :/ just sucks when you want to take the pain away from someone and they tell you that you're just making everything worse and they don't want to be around you..
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Old 05-27-2014, 02:22 PM
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I want to tread lightly because I know you are pregnant and have a lot on your plate, but I have to agree, everything is about him. You need support too, you are carrying a little human. Addiction is a very selfish disease, but this sounds narcissistic. Everything is about him, what about you? What will happen when the baby comes and all of your attention goes to the baby. I think there are support groups on here specifically for family/ friends of those with addictions. I hope that you get the support you need. I really just want to give you a hug.
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Old 05-27-2014, 06:44 PM
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I think it is so great that you want to help him through this, and knowing that someone thinks he *can* get through it will probably help him to feel worth trying for.

I don't know if holding his hand through it is always the most helpful thing though. I certainly can't be there to say for sure what your specific situation is, and if he is having actual suicidal thoughts he definitely needs assistance (maybe not just yours?) with that, but generally, my opinion is that we have to let the As learn to walk on their own.

Like with your baby on the way, if you always carry him/her, they can't learn to walk by themselves, and they NEED to fall and bruise up their lovely baby face in order to accomplish that. My babies were not being abused because they went around all scraped up in the forehead during those learning to walk months.

My A used to drive me nuts with flipping between blaming me for "never paying attention" (aka not snooping and keeping insanely close tabs on his use or sobriety, what I was calling trust and detachment) and blaming me for being on him all the time trying to know all about every little thing. He never seemed to notice that these things can't both be true at the same time. In the end, the decision I made personally was to let him walk or fall on his own, because if I carried him, even if it did lead to sobriety, he'd never know for himself if he had the strength to do it himself.

I'm so glad to hear you were going for walks. Very healthy for all of you, him, baby and your mental state, not to mention the physical benefits of moderate exercise during pregnancy and for stress relief. My A really loved exercise as an aid to battle withdrawal and general garbagey-ness. Maybe you could enjoy something active like that together? Walking is free....
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