gabriel01

My ABF is actually doing great in his recovery. He is in the AA program 5 months now, very active in meetings, step groups and exercise. He loves doing exercise, go to gym and running. Yesterday, he went out running. He acrossed 3 cities for over 2 hours (he practicing his upcoming marathon). However, he ran into one of his addict friend while he was running. (This friend influenced a lot into drugging and drinking before, they know each other since high school) He came home and told me about it. My ABF cut this friend off when he decided to get clean. However, I saw he was texting this friend today. It bothers me a lot. What I'm thinking is I should not worry about it, because if he decided to hangout with this friend again or back to doing drug or drink, nothing I can do about it. It's not my decision. I cannot control it. However, it's really bothering me. I feel like I'm not trusting him eventhough everything he is doing shows he is in recovery, except this incident. I feel like I'm a sitting duck.

Karrets

Aw I really feel for you. My husband is in rehab 3rd time and I've been around for every relapse. I knew when he saw an old friend it was bad news. However I could never do anything about it. If he relapsed it wasn't long before it was obvious. No amount of worrying stopped him it just drove me round the bend. Do you know why he is texting him?

chicory

Sounds like he is doing very well. Hopefully he will want to hang on to all the good life he has been making for his self.
As you said, worrying won't change anything, but I think I'd feel the same, in this situation.

Hoping for the best for you both!

gabriel01

I don't know. Maybe I should ask because he was just sitting beside me. But I was a little bit shock at that moment & I didn't want get into a fight about this. So I didn't ask or couldn't react because I was shock at that moment.

I asked (forced) him to stay away from this friend before, I even told his friend to leave my abf alone (in a very rude way), it didn't work. And you know, most addicts don't have a lot of friends, so this friend always comes out & reach him. His wife even left him a year ago after just over one year marriage.

This time, when my ABF decided to get clean. I didn't even have to say or do anything, he cut this friend off himself.

I try to stay out of his recovery or relapse issue. Because I know it will drive me crazy. But somehow, I really have a bad feeling about this friend. Because my ABF last couple relapses were because they started hanging out together again. But he was not in any program last couple times.

Stoogy

It is perfectly normal to worry of course it is, but with the best of intentions we recovering addicts simply cannot dig a hole in the ground and hide from outside distractions as much as we would love to at certain times during recovery.

There comes a time when we have to step up And progress with our lives which at times sadly means seeing people again who were at one time part of our inner circle of friends and is not always easy but we do our best as I'm sure he will be too.

I wish you both extremely well.

Karrets

Maybe this is a test for him. You will know soon enough of he had relapsed. If he hasn't then you can see how much stronger he is. It's a very long Road recovery and relapse is part of that. His hp may be challenging him. Take care of you and don't sweat the small stuff....... That means everything your not in control off xx

AnvilheadII

he didn't HAVE to tell you he ran into his friend. if he was trying to hide anything, he wouldn't have mentioned it.

I know it's tough...we see DANGER everywhere and want to protect them. but, alas, that's not our job.

more will be revealed. expect the best but prepare for the worst.

Txhelp

Sometimes, if I get worried, about something that my husband does...I will say something like "I am bit concerned about you seeing your old friend. How do you think you might handle it? Do you have any concerns about relapse if you see him again?"

I guess for my I prefer a straight forward approach. I don't preach or nag....there is nothing in it for me and doesn't work for him either. However, it makes me feel better to plant the seed and perhaps he may see the story though....

bellanoviella

Try to keep your mind focused on other things. He is doing great, that is great! I know it's hard not to assume the worst when an old BAD friend comes back into their lives, but you've got to try for your own sake. Have you asked him why they're speaking when he cut him off before for a good reason?

gabriel01

I feel so sick right now. I believe they r meeting up now. He gets off earlier than me everyday. I asked him to do something at home when he gets home today. He said ok. However, I got off early today. I come home and he is not here. I texted & called him. No on answer. And now it's 2 hours passed he used to be home. He always tells me where he is going when he goes out afterwork. Now...nothing.

I can't be sure. But I don't have a good feeling about it.

I know this friend can influence him a lot. I still remember few years back. He didn't have any money. But he got a $1000 of Xmas present from his parents. He took that grand plus a paycheck and next month rent & food money, flown to the east coast (we live in west coast) and spent all the money on drugs with this friend in one week. Second time, when my ABF got clean for 8 months, this friend moved back to west coast. First 2 times they hung out, it was fine. But the third time, they used again together. That's why I have so much against this friend.

bellanoviella

Always trust your intuition.. I hope things work out for you!

LoveMeNow

I used to blame the friends too but it's not their fault unless they are holding a gun to their head. Our addicted loved ones have a choice and some have the tools, like calling a friend from AA.

I really had to work hard to stop making excuses for my husbands choices. He, after all, was the king of it.

I hope and pray you are wrong Gabriel. I know that sick feeling all too well.

gabriel01

I understand this too. So I left it for him to decide if he wants to keep this friend in his life. Now I'm disappointed about the choice he made today.

He did meet up with this friend. He said they went to a gym. But he tried to lie to me by saying he thought he told me, but he also said he knows I will get upset if I knew he see him. This time he tried to hide from me that they were going to the gym. So how do I know next time he tries to hide it from me they use again?
Also, he skipped his homegroup AA meeting tonight as well.

LoveMeNow

Missing his homegroup meeting and lying are 2 huge red flags.

Do you think they were really at the gym?

gabriel01

Yes. He did go to the gym. I used the find my phone function on iphone after I posted the message here this afternoon. But it doesn't help the fact that he lied and missed the homegroup meeting. He returned my call finally. I asked him "what is he doing?", he replied "I went to the gym". I asked "who did you go with?", he replied "with my buddy" (still didn't want to tell me who was it". I asked again "with whom", he finally said that friend.

I do not want to be a private investigator anymore. I thought I was doing well too. But this incident shows that I am not. My worry and spying behavior show that I'm still living in that miserable life. I hate to know that my worry and intuition was right in the past few days. I need time to re-evaluate this relationship. I need to re-evaluate if I can handle the possibility of relapse. It's just a bad timing. We are suppose to go on a week vacation in this Saturday. Now, I really don't want to pretend to be happy and go anymore.

sevenofnine

ugh, that sinking pit in your stomach as you realize that they are two hours late. Over the 13 years together with AXH, and a dozen relapses, that sensation was always the forerunner to the circus show. I always knew during his sober stretches, sometimes 3 years, that when I could notice him hours late and not have that feeling that I was officially over it. But every relapse would bring that right on back. I so sympathize with you on that, the not knowing but having a sense of impending doom. ugh.

I think that trusting your gut is a good idea. Within boundaries. Like for yourself, keep within what is not crazy-making. But in terms of if your are being a good partner, I think erring on the side of undue suspicion is not really offensive if you have a history of problems that make a justifiable precedent.

I personally could not live with that suspicion hanging over me. Eventually it led to a total loss of attraction to my partner, and loss of romantic love, and depression over the uncertainty of the future. But its absolutely up to you to decide for you what is ok, and if you are deciding that this is something you can handle, then that is great too.

I wonder if being with an addict in recovery (and knowing that statistically it is entirely likely that they will relapse) that you have to find a way, make a plan, so that you can accept it even if he does relapse. Protect yourself, finances etc, and make it so you don't have to feel worried over your security, just over your loved ones fate. Mitigate the disaster when it comes, because it is likely to come at some point.

Sending you strength for whatever comes.

Ann

It's normal to have a lack of trust, that has to be earned again over time. But driving yourself crazy playing codie detective and trying to out guess his next move will do nothing but make you crazer...trust me, I've been there with my son.

He will use or not use regardless of what you do or don't do. His recovery or lack of it is his choice to make. Your choice is what you are and are not willing to tolerate in your marriage and then see what unfolds.

We can't control their addiction, lord knows we all try, but in the end it's just not ours to control.

Live happy and find some joy in your days. If he relapses there will be plenty of time to feel all the negative feelings that come when that happens.

Hugs