carguysgirl

Hi I have a post in the new comers forum, and got some good feed back. I'm posting a refused version here.
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year and just moved in together. I have been resistant to meeting his youngest daughter who is 18 and has been addicted to heroin for around 2 years. For most of our relationship she has lived in larger cities to access the drugs. She just moved back around and detoxed cold turkey which is great. I've decided I am wrong to refuse to get to know her due to her problem, Which is a huge relief to my boyfriend. My other question is this: and may be unanswerable and hopefully unnecessary: when I am being told that the daughter is doing great when she clearly is not how do I respond without being a hypocrite or an enabler without offending and alienating my bf?

Dee74

Hi carguysgirl

I guess my first question is what kinds of things lead you to think she's not doing well?

D

carguysgirl

Right now she is as as I know-and hopefully it will stay that way. It was when she was using -she just detoxed last week- he would talk about how well she was doing while she had no stable place to stay, no job, was hard to get in touch with, phone number changing a lot and telling him she was using but not a lot. He drove 3 hours to see her and she no showed with a lame excuse. He just found out that during a this time she almost overdosed 3 or 4 times. She probably still had access to the drugs and çhose to come home and get clean-do hopefully this is over. I have to use my phone-please pardon typos!

Raider

Is it ever really over? For an addict, it's not ever over, you may refrain from your DOC, but you are still addicted. Will you ever trust her? Will you be able to trust your BF to be straight with you about her? It's pretty clear in your posts how you feel about her and this situation. I'm sure it's crystal clear to your BF. You have a very tough road ahead of you. As your BF, you have given him ample reason to fudge a bit on his daughters addiction. He has to balance the two of you, he's trying to walk the line. She is a young girl, she probably looks at you as the girlfriend who is giving her Dad a hard time. You aren't married, so you don't have a title yet. I hope I'm wrong but I see everyone losing on this one. Maybe a nar-anon or something can help you understand and deal with this? I don't know, I'm the addict in this family. Good luck.

Dee74

I hope that she's really serious about recovery this time

I think she comes as part of the package with your BF?

D

Karrets

my husband is a heroin addict and in rehab. I guess until you have cause for concern stop predicting things will go bad. If they do then tackle it then. You are using a lot of energy and stress up on something that may or may not happen. I used to do that with my husband.... waiting for the fall and still do a bit today but all I'm doing is messing with my own peace.

chicory

Hi carguysgirl.

I think I would just listen, no need to say anything, especially if you dont agree. Sometimes others just want to share, and we can be there to listen.

Maybe she is doing well. Just listen, is what I'd advise.


Its good you are posting here,as it will help you to have somewhere to voice your fears and concerns.

You can read the stickies here-they help,in understanding addicts and behaviors. Your relationship will be stronger the less her problems are the focus of it.

carguysgirl

I'm already feeling so much better about this! Thanks all who have contributed . Good advice!

carguysgirl

Hi Raider thanks for the reply. Your worries are valid but the saving grace here is that my bf and I love and trust each other implicitly. I'm going to learn to support him and I'll have a safe forum apart from him where i can express any worries safely and get great feedback! I have to remember that I have no horse in this race. It's tough for me to not want to step in and try to control a situation that causes my love pain. I'm aware though that my methods were making things worse for him so I will change. I am the part of the equation that needs to change and I see that. It's tough but I can do it. My bf doesn't expect perfection from me. Just that I do my best. I will be h his comfort and soft place to land should he need it. I see what you're saying about it's never over but hopefully we're past the acute phase and into recovery. I thought about nar anon but the area is so small and we want to keep our issues private so his daughter is not stigmatized now that she's back here. Your right nothing's over-but think we're beginning something good!

carguysgirl

Yes she is def part of the package now. When we were first getting to know one another much of our conversation was around my search for a great guy with no kids-impossible to find! He made a big point of all his kids were grown had their own lives and he never even saw them much any more. He knew i was looking for an adult playmate not tied down. This is an adjustment but worthwhile.

Raider

I'm sorry to come off so gloomy. It is such a painful disease. Good luck.