kyles

I posted here a few years ago for a little while. I just looked and it seems I haven't posted since early 2013. I don't even know if any of the same people are around anymore...

A long story short...my boyfriend is addicted to opiates, mainly heroin. He takes various pills and uses cocaine sometimes too. So anyway, we have a 17 month old daughter. He has been in an out of various sorts of rehab programs since I was pregnant. In August 2013 he was arrested for possession of heroin and pot. It was his first offense of any kind and he got off pretty easy with court ordered rehab and probation. He had been clean for over 6 months, but then I suspected something was up. He admitted to snorting some pills and using benzos, but not heroin. Around the same time, I also found out that he had slept with this random girl. About a week later, I found out I was pregnant again. I'm now about 17 weeks pregnant. My parents, who had helped me a lot during my first pregnancy and with my daughter, were furious because they had wanted me to leave him from the start. They said they wouldn't help me if I kept this baby, I was ruining my life, etc. But I decided to keep it anyway. Despite his slip ups, my boyfriend had been working steadily, going to school, contributing financially, etc. Almost 2 weeks ago he overdosed on heroin and painkillers. Thankfully he was with some friends who immediately noticed something was up when he basically started turning blue. But I'm at the point now where I just want to give up. Yet, I can't bring myself to leave him. For years people have asked me what's wrong with me and why I stay with him. I honestly don't know. I have tried to break up with him before, and could never last long. I always denied I had any sort of problem, like low self esteem or things that people would tell me in the past. Now I'm beginning to think I really do have problems.

I have gone to nar-anon meetings. I have been working on co-dependency and things like that. I have changed a lot of my behaviors so that I am not enabling - and try to evaluate everything I do when it comes to him to make sure I am not enabling. But I am still so frustrated. I don't blame him. I blame myself, but at the same time I can't seem to make any major changes to get away from him.

I don't know if I am even asking anything here or just venting. I have been so busy with college, work, taking care of a baby, and dealing with everything else, that it's been months since I've been to a nar-anon meeting or even able to make some of the online ones I used to participate in. I have lost all connection to the people I used to turn to for support and I am feeling so isolated and alone.

chicory

hi Kyles and welcome back!

sounds like maybe its time to get back to your meetings? I am sure its hard to do, but online is really convenient.

I feel so badly for those people , like you, who are so tired of all the hassle, but don't know what to do.

Stick around, Kyles. There are still lots of the 'old gang' here, who will be glad to offer their experiences and support, and hope too.

hang in there. Time helps us to see what we need to do, after we have taken off the rose colored glasses.

take care of yourself, and your sweet baby girl. and congrats on your next little love on the way. things can get better sweetie.

AnvilheadII

does your school offer any type of counseling? many do i know. you do have a LOT going on, too much it would be easy to say....meetings can provide you with some much needed support and some one on one counseling could do even more.

i'm sorry your folks are not being supportive, but i also understand their position. they love you and want the BEST and you are making choices they just can't comprehend. much in the same way you are finally beginning to accept that your ABF just is not going to change or get better any time soon.

think of those babies, think HARD about what is the very best thing to do FOR THEM. make choices that assure you and they get the chance to live the very best life possible.

kyles

I just checked my school's website and they do offer free short term counseling. I might check that out. One one hand, I feel like talking to someone one on one would be helpful, but I guess I'm scared of what they might advise me to do.

AnvilheadII

it's just ADVICE at this point darling...how about we just consider any suggestions as OPTIONS? having options is a good thing. free counseling is a godsend, do at least try one appointment?

Ann

I agree with what Anvil said, it's good to reach out for help and counseling may help you find your balance and make some hard decisions.

Welcome, back.

Firefall

Anvil is correct.

I went to nar anon, but I did not get what I needed there (just me). I did find that I was welcome at Al Anon the positive outlook was what helped me... there are resources that are free depending.g where you live.

Your baby is in innocent, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

kyles

I guess I feel like I already know my options, I just don't want to make any difficult decisions regarding him.

Hawkeye13

So if you don't want to make difficult decisons, will you simply stay in the situation and wait for it to get worse?

It is unlikely to get better.

If you remove yourself from the situation, besides protecting you (and your children) from further emotional harm by living with a deteriorating addict,
it may be the trigger he needs to actually realize he needs help with his problem.

You staying just keeps the status quo so he will keep using.

It is very hard, but it is only going to get harder.
I'm sorry you are hurting and I wish both of you well.

kyles

No, I do not simply want to stay in the situation while it just gets worse. I admit, that is what I have been doing. Until a few months ago, he was doing really well.

Luckily, my daughter and I do not live with my ABF. We live with my parents. My parents said if I kept this second baby they thought maybe I should not live here anymore. I don't think it's so much they don't want us to live here - they just think I need to get a dose of reality of something. So, originally, we were going to move in with my ABF at the end of summer when he would be a year clean, but now obviously that won't be the case. I don't know what I will do as far as living situation, but right now I do not plan to move in with him.

But regardless, me staying with him still keeps the status quo - you're right.

Txhelp

Often we allow our loved ones to stay with us because we see their potential....those glimmers of hope when things are going well. However, over time, these glimmers get few and far between.

The emotional ties are strong when you have children together. You might seek to justify why leaving would be difficult on the children.

However, look at the history and look at the present. He is putting his life; job and relationships in danger. You are left to pick up is pieces when he falls. He will fall as long as he's using.

Only you can decide what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

One-one counseling is a wise choice. Counselors aren't supposed to give advice or tell you what to do. This is your decision and only yours but gaining more insight; processing information; learning coping skills may be something that you may gain over time.

needingabreak

Kyle welcome back to the forum. I understand where you are coming from. You have a child with him, you are used to being with him and as TX says, you see and hope for that positive change AGAIN. If you look deep into the heart of the matter usually you find you are scared and very afraid of change. It is easier to stay in our comfort zone isn't it and hope for the best?
I think some counseling would do you a world of good. I would also like to encourage you to check out CBT counseling. I did this myself but was encouraged by others, like you and me, who are so afraid of change, to take a stand and do what is best for us no matter how scary. It sort of retrains your brain in the way it thinks. If you cannot find a counselor who uses this I would also suggest checking out the workbook "Mind Over Mood" Here is a link to the book on Amazon. Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think: Dennis Greenberger, Christine Padesky: Amazon.com: Books

Your parents only want what is best for you and your child it is hard watching someone you love hurting. I wish you the best in figuring it all out. You cant go from loving your BF to wanting him out of your life in one day. Have you read the book Codependent NO More by Melanie Beattie?

GardenMama

Kyles! Welcome back. I have thought of you many times in the past year or so, but lots recently. I will write more tomorrow. I just want you to know I am happy to see you here again and wow, do you seem a lot more mature--babies and addicted loved ones can do that, right?

I am so happy to hear that you are pursuing college, and I do know it is tough. Things are going to be okay.

More soon, but until then, take good care of yourself and your little one. Hugs.

allforcnm

I remember you Kyles, but Im sorry your back under these circumstances.

One thing I read in your post I just have to pull out: your in college now – Im so happy you have continued to pursue your own personal goals despite all that’s been going on. Last time you were here I think you were interviewing colleges.

I would encourage you to try the counseling offered through your school. They might also be able to provide additional resources with discounts for students. I think the answers you seek are within Kyles, weighing your options and putting all your considerations in the mix. This is really what I found therapy helped me to do; there’s no playbook or anything, just neutral person who can listen and is trained guide you through the process, point out things to consider, help you discover underlying concerns etc. But the choices all belong to you and there shouldn’t be any judgment or bias from the counselor.

I bet your daughter is adorable.

Into everything … new discoveries every day… this describes my little one… Im sure you’re a very busy mom right now.

barefoottoday

Your post really hit home with me.
********{Hugs}}}}}

kyles

This part of what you said really struck me and it is true. Anymore, I hate to complain and say things like "I have to pick up the pieces." I figure it is my choice to be with him so I have no right to complain when I understand everything that comes along with him. But sometimes I also forget that it's okay for me to acknowledge the truth about the situation. I don't think it's so unfair to want someone to depend on. I am still in the phase where I want him to change and be that person. When he isn't using, he is great and dependable when it comes to money or the baby, etc. But it isn't constant. I know it is coming to a point where I have to stop wanting him to change and start accepting the way he is right now and figure out how I will deal with it or what I will allow myself to deal with.


Well, you are right. I already know I am afraid of change. I am afraid of change in general. I am afraid of not being with him. Not so much being alone, just not being with him. I am afraid of almost everything these days though it seems. I can't even get started on how I feel about another baby....I guess I feel so much changing that I want to hold on to whatever is the same, and he is one of those things.

I've not heard about CBT counseling, but I will look into it. Thanks for that suggestion.
I have read portions of Codependent No More, but not the entire thing. I should look into that as well and make time to read the entire thing and not just skim.

I was hoping you were still here, GardenMama. I hope everything is going well with you. Yeah, I have had to grow up a lot over the past year and a half. I'm trying my best.

I remember you too! I hope everything is good with your family. I think I was doing college interviews last time I was here. I got accepted to my first choice and I can live at home, so it works out good.

I know one on one counseling would be good for me. I do need a neutral person to speak with. Nobody I know can be completely unbiased, and that's not their faults. Of course, everyone I know has very strong opinions and it's hard for me to even try to talk or just vent to them.

My daughter looks just like her dad. She's walking all over the place and going through a really curious phase right now - everything is new and interesting to her. Her first set of molars are coming in though - I can't wait for that to be over!

terryr97

Your story hit home with me (minus the kids part). Just going through the insanity, knowing is insane but still not wanting to leave and hoping he'd change, all while going to school. I was losing my mind from the stress of school plus his lies, manipulations, and just all around craziness of the situation. I had lost all my friends and family for support cos they were tired of watching and listening to it all. My school offered therapy and I latched onto that like my life depended on it (which it did). She was like having a confessor and a disinterested third party that would let me vent without judgements. And it was free.

Of course, I still hung on to the relationship for a couple more years till I got sick of his crap and, after catching him in yet another lie, instead of him fixing it, he stayed gone, went on year long run, got arrested, went to rehab, told me he wanted to rebuild my trust and then dumped ME! Ah well, all for the best. But we didn't have kids.

I would suggest you go to therapy at school, just to share what's on your mind without getting opinions on what you should do. It's very helpful. Good luck.

allforcnm

That's great you got your first choice... I remember

The therapist I worked with used talk therapy, and also taught me CBT techniques - someone else mentioned this above.... Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It can be used in conjunction and its helpful. My husband also learned methods to help him with addiction issues.

My son just had his 2nd set of molars come in. AND he went to the dentist recently.... Just like a big boy... until the actual exam started...LOL I think you can imagine... But I got his picture when he was looking all grown up in the dental chair. Its going in the scrap book.....

bellanoviella

I ask myself the same question.. I'm not a weak person.. how is it that I cannot leave this relationship? how can i not let go? because I love him, and we have a connection that just simply cannot be understood by anyone else.. trust me, I had this argument. So the question being asked again, why don't you just leave? why are you even here asking for advice when you know exactly what to do?.. The answer sweetie is because he has become your addiction. i don't mean this offensively, I'm in the same boat as you..

I'm still so hopeful that things will get better, but when is enough enough =/

Sending love your way!

kyles

My ABF and I broke up 3 days ago. He told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. We both know it is better to not be together. Part of me was relieved because I did not have the ability to end things myself, but I'm still sad about it. Then the next night he called me really late at night and begged me to get back together with him, but I told him no. He said he was just trying to push me away for my own good. Who knows what his actual intentions were/are. It is not as if he is completely out of my life now, we will always be connected and I will have to deal with him since we have children together, but I actually feel like I can breathe for the first time in a few years and it feels AMAZING!