So frustrated and confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Viera,FL
Posts: 40
So frustrated and confused
My AH (actually EX) and I have been trying to "work things out". He moved back in , we have two kids left at home 8/10. I was of course , hoping for the best but, addicts lie. Over and over again. He's currently consuming: 60-90mg of adderall, 60-120 mg oxy, 50 mg hydrocodone, 10-20 mg Valium and some kind of testosterone every day. He basically refuses to function without it. Our money is disappearing again as well as items going to pawn. I want to have a "boundary" talk or intervention but that's what's got me worried. He has no family that believes he's as bad as he is and they all live 1300 miles away... I was the bad guy when I divorced him, for doing the same stuff he's doing now, so they won't speak to me...they're telling him to "protect himself, remember what SHE did last time" UGH!!!! I really had no idea after all the begging and pleading to come home, that he was this bad. I could kick myself for reintroducing him to my sons' daily life. Although he rarely participates, they know he's "around" but he's ALWAYS "working"... Not really, working on getting his stuff more like it. Just frustrated and hoping to read things on here that keep me worried about MY happiness and moving in the right direction. Thanks for listening. God Bless all on this group are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Ksgirl,
Welcome to SR. this is the place if you want to get stronger in your search for your health and happiness!
I am sorry for what you are experiencing right now. It's so disappointing when they promise, say the things they know you want to hear, etc, etc, etc. It surely sounds like he is really out of control. And you know the three C's? You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. So, that pretty much leaves you with one responsibility-to take care of you and your sons.
What do you feel you need to do? Are you getting any support from family, or are you going to any meetings such as Al-anon? You can check out the stickies here, the saved postings about addiction, and what you can do, what others have done, and how to find support.
A boundary talk may not do much good. He knows its wrong to hock family property to get drugs. So will he respect your boundaries? Will he go for rehab? Have you talked about it with him?
I would definitely not feel badly about hiding and protecting the money and belongings.
prayers for things to become clear to you.
stick around, and keep posting, you will get a lot of support here
Welcome to SR. this is the place if you want to get stronger in your search for your health and happiness!
I am sorry for what you are experiencing right now. It's so disappointing when they promise, say the things they know you want to hear, etc, etc, etc. It surely sounds like he is really out of control. And you know the three C's? You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. So, that pretty much leaves you with one responsibility-to take care of you and your sons.
What do you feel you need to do? Are you getting any support from family, or are you going to any meetings such as Al-anon? You can check out the stickies here, the saved postings about addiction, and what you can do, what others have done, and how to find support.
A boundary talk may not do much good. He knows its wrong to hock family property to get drugs. So will he respect your boundaries? Will he go for rehab? Have you talked about it with him?
I would definitely not feel badly about hiding and protecting the money and belongings.
prayers for things to become clear to you.
stick around, and keep posting, you will get a lot of support here
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi KS, you probably aren't going to like it, but is there any future for you 2? As Chicory has said, boundaries almost certainly won't be respected, and if so, are you willing to follow through? Don't bother with them if you aren't. His family are not relevant to your marriage, so please don't take them into consideration, or better yet, prove to them you are the hard hearted bitch they think you are.
Ask yourself how much of yours and your children's future you are willing to sacrifice for him? You are looking at a life of poverty.
Ask yourself how much of yours and your children's future you are willing to sacrifice for him? You are looking at a life of poverty.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so the working things out experiment FAILED. miserably. you got him out once before, send him on his way again. and this time keep that door bolted shut.
what others think of you is none of your business. focus your energies into what is best in YOUR interest and your children. that is all that is required of you.
that's a goodly amount of drugs he's taking on a daily basis....along with the testosterone really bad combo and he's likely to get more volatile and possibly dangerous as time goes by, especially if he runs out or runs short.
this is no way to live. cut him off financially, kick his sorry butt out and get on with your best life.
what others think of you is none of your business. focus your energies into what is best in YOUR interest and your children. that is all that is required of you.
that's a goodly amount of drugs he's taking on a daily basis....along with the testosterone really bad combo and he's likely to get more volatile and possibly dangerous as time goes by, especially if he runs out or runs short.
this is no way to live. cut him off financially, kick his sorry butt out and get on with your best life.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Sounds like he is taking care of himself by using you and endangering family.
This true, they lie, the drugs lie, they take control. The many types of drugs he is doing make it hard if not impossible to get through to the person. Each type of drug seems to have its own "personality".
Bolt that door, change the locks before he gets too rooted, it will not get easier. You may think you will be alone, but you are never alone when you are healthy in mind and spirit.
This true, they lie, the drugs lie, they take control. The many types of drugs he is doing make it hard if not impossible to get through to the person. Each type of drug seems to have its own "personality".
Bolt that door, change the locks before he gets too rooted, it will not get easier. You may think you will be alone, but you are never alone when you are healthy in mind and spirit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Viera,FL
Posts: 40
Thanks for the replies.. I have decided to have the talk with him on Tuesday. I planned a trip to go see my oldest son (he's a US Marine) for this weekend. The younger boys are so excited and I just don't want to ruin this - already stressed enough because of the money that SHOULD have been available. He goes to rehab/detox/therapy or can no longer count on me for anything HE needs. God Bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Viera,FL
Posts: 40
Well, my trip to see my best bud (my son) was without "incident"...so sad to say it that way. My AH had plenty of oxy and adderall on him to keep him numb and non participating for the most part. My younger boys had a blast and were so thrilled to be around their big hero brother. So....this morning I said to my AH "what exactly is going on with the pills and pawning items to buy them" to which he quickly replied "I used that money for gas and smokes...I'm gonna go find some work today, gotta go" that was at 9 am, haven't seen or heard from him since, 11 hours later. He did also inform me he was out of any drugs this morning. Is it wrong to "wish" that he'd just overdose or get arrested? This guy has been using for 28 years, has NO drivers license, all "junkie like" friends, he goes to crappy neighborhoods and runs around in a truck that is VERY obvious (wrapped in bright colors with work logo) and NEVER EVER GETS IN TROUBLE.. That, I think, is what pisses me off the most right now. I'm here, cleaning up chaos, being the only parent, trying to take care of all of life's needs and then when he DOES show up, he will inform me of how much I haven't done or still need to do. I could just scream right now.Sorry for the rant.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
"This guy has been using for 28 years, has NO drivers license, all "junkie like" friends, he goes to crappy neighborhoods and runs around in a truck that is VERY obvious (wrapped in bright colors with work logo) and NEVER EVER GETS IN TROUBLE.. That, I think, is what pisses me off the most right now. I'm here, cleaning up chaos, being the only parent, trying to take care of all of life's needs and then when he DOES show up, he will inform me of how much I haven't done or still need to do. "
SO, what exactly is it about this romeo that makes you want to continue??????
We can all sit here and tell you to run but this is your life honeybunch and you have to ask yourself what is making you stay in this marriage where you are doing all the work while he has no job, no license and goes out to get high? What is it that is keeping you together because to me, it looks like he's got it pretty good living off of you. Id be going to the bank ASAP and moving every single cent out immediately and looking for a quick exit strategy. It does not sound like a good environment for your boys. I know they love their dad and will miss him but they do not understand what danger is lurking. Testosterone is extremely dangerous because it makes the person abusing it volatile, angry and mean. You are lucky nothing has happened YET.
Please be very careful and do SOMETHING to help yourself and your children. You deserve so much better. We know that. You have to believe it yourself.
SO, what exactly is it about this romeo that makes you want to continue??????
We can all sit here and tell you to run but this is your life honeybunch and you have to ask yourself what is making you stay in this marriage where you are doing all the work while he has no job, no license and goes out to get high? What is it that is keeping you together because to me, it looks like he's got it pretty good living off of you. Id be going to the bank ASAP and moving every single cent out immediately and looking for a quick exit strategy. It does not sound like a good environment for your boys. I know they love their dad and will miss him but they do not understand what danger is lurking. Testosterone is extremely dangerous because it makes the person abusing it volatile, angry and mean. You are lucky nothing has happened YET.
Please be very careful and do SOMETHING to help yourself and your children. You deserve so much better. We know that. You have to believe it yourself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You believed his promises that he did not keep, it was a mistake to let him come home but we all make mistakes thinking if we love them enough they will learn to love themselves enough to stop. Sadly, it doesn't work that way.
You can have a life and raise your children with active addiction living in your home...risking them being exposed to police, overdose, "trying daddy's pills", abuse, and an unhappy home...or...you can live without him and raise your children in a happy home filled with love and safety.
We walk with you no matter what your choice, but when you take away all the false promises, "if only's" and broken dreams is there anything left to salvage when he is still active in his addiction?
My heart and prayers go out for all of you. This is a terrible way to live.
Hugs
You can have a life and raise your children with active addiction living in your home...risking them being exposed to police, overdose, "trying daddy's pills", abuse, and an unhappy home...or...you can live without him and raise your children in a happy home filled with love and safety.
We walk with you no matter what your choice, but when you take away all the false promises, "if only's" and broken dreams is there anything left to salvage when he is still active in his addiction?
My heart and prayers go out for all of you. This is a terrible way to live.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Viera,FL
Posts: 40
Told him: I agreed to take you back into the home because you said you wanted your family, God, your "life" back. Now, I love you but you have me seriously concerned..I then listed off the bad stuff going on. I also said, "actually, I feel sorry for you, 28 years later those drugs are still not making you happy, you have no peace, no joy, bigger bills, you owe tons of money everywhere....
He said "you're awfully critical" and my response was that I have the right to be when I'm the one sitting across the table from it all. He then promptly went out and got more "stuff" and went and used with the "girl who's the exact opposite of you" who he was with last year..when I brought it up the next morning and said "how would you like it if I did that?" He said " I don't give a "f" what you do" , then said "in case you haven't noticed, I haven't said much since you told me all that yesterday (like he was around for a rebuttle!) it's because I don't want to argue, and you're usually right anyway" SO I SAID " you don't want to say anything because you don't want to argue, but you think what I'm telling you is right? You don't want me to express how I feel about something but you can rip me up one side and down the other for what I "did" to you when we got divorced? " he said "we need to figure things out lovingly....HA I said "I started the conversation by telling you that I love you and am worried about you"
I'm exhausted, feel totally alone, and have no idea what to do or what to tell my boys. He's now doing exactly what he did before our divorce (and I told him so) leaving and not coming in until 10,11,12 at night. Kids always asking "where's dad?" When he IS here he is so hung over and exhausted all he does is eat sweets and lay around. NOT what was happening when he first came back.
I worked with him yesterday (long story) and he said "do you know what I had to take to make my "back" feel better so I can keep working?" My reply was, "I have no idea" THIS IS WHAT HE TOLD ME: "1 1/2 blues, 1 Tylenol 3, 1 Valium and 1 cyclobenzaprine" GOOD GOD, he was functioning! Constantly stopping to text or get a cigarette but FUNCTIONING! Then an hour later, he took a Vicodin-saw him take it. Finished up working, came to the house, took a shower and passed out for the night at 7pm.
I found a Nar anon meeting...something HAS to change
He said "you're awfully critical" and my response was that I have the right to be when I'm the one sitting across the table from it all. He then promptly went out and got more "stuff" and went and used with the "girl who's the exact opposite of you" who he was with last year..when I brought it up the next morning and said "how would you like it if I did that?" He said " I don't give a "f" what you do" , then said "in case you haven't noticed, I haven't said much since you told me all that yesterday (like he was around for a rebuttle!) it's because I don't want to argue, and you're usually right anyway" SO I SAID " you don't want to say anything because you don't want to argue, but you think what I'm telling you is right? You don't want me to express how I feel about something but you can rip me up one side and down the other for what I "did" to you when we got divorced? " he said "we need to figure things out lovingly....HA I said "I started the conversation by telling you that I love you and am worried about you"
I'm exhausted, feel totally alone, and have no idea what to do or what to tell my boys. He's now doing exactly what he did before our divorce (and I told him so) leaving and not coming in until 10,11,12 at night. Kids always asking "where's dad?" When he IS here he is so hung over and exhausted all he does is eat sweets and lay around. NOT what was happening when he first came back.
I worked with him yesterday (long story) and he said "do you know what I had to take to make my "back" feel better so I can keep working?" My reply was, "I have no idea" THIS IS WHAT HE TOLD ME: "1 1/2 blues, 1 Tylenol 3, 1 Valium and 1 cyclobenzaprine" GOOD GOD, he was functioning! Constantly stopping to text or get a cigarette but FUNCTIONING! Then an hour later, he took a Vicodin-saw him take it. Finished up working, came to the house, took a shower and passed out for the night at 7pm.
I found a Nar anon meeting...something HAS to change
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
At some point it STOPS being about them and their addictions, the number of pills they take and the words they spew..........and becomes all about US and OUR issues and why we continue to accept such poor treatment.
Al-anon, nar-anon, personal therapy for you. You are correct in that something has to change and that change NEEDS to be YOU.
Al-anon, nar-anon, personal therapy for you. You are correct in that something has to change and that change NEEDS to be YOU.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Have you been honest with your kids about his addiction? If not, get them to counseling and do so, pronto. They are at an age it is quite easy to blame themselves for his actions. They need educated about his addiction.
What he is doing is abuse, do you recognize that? Mental an emoational abuse are just as bad as physical abuse.
How much are you going to tolerate? Only you can decide. Glad to hear you found Naranon.
Tight Hugs.
What he is doing is abuse, do you recognize that? Mental an emoational abuse are just as bad as physical abuse.
How much are you going to tolerate? Only you can decide. Glad to hear you found Naranon.
Tight Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Viera,FL
Posts: 40
Thanks everyone....I told him today he has to go. The boys have been told what I feel they are mature enough to handle. Quite honestly, my older one is happy that he is leaving. I AM changing, for the better and for GOOD...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Ksgirl, so glad to hear you are taking steps to help yourself and your boys! I wish you nothing but peace and harmony as you work on making a happier and stress free life for you and the boys. God Bless.
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