Daughter Just Walked Out of Rehab....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Warren, MI
Posts: 6
Daughter Just Walked Out of Rehab....
Good Morning
This is really my first post and I'm just hoping to get some advice. In my heart, I know what to do, I THINK, but like anyone in situations like these, I feel that I need to 'make sure' its the right thing. (Silly, maybe). Let me apologize too, for the LONG post....
I have a 23 year old daughter that admitted to me, about 6 months ago, that she uses Heroin. (Introveniously). She has always had to have some type of substance, I realize now, in her system. (Weed, Beer, Alcohol, Pills, Heroin - all this is what I know of)
For the first six months I would do things like talk to her about it, send her information on how to get involved in NA Meetings, I went to Narnon Meetings to help learn about it. I would send her motivational quotes on FB and call her to encourage her, but she didn't take one step to get help. (She continued to use). I found out about 3 months ago that she started stripping in the worst part of town.
For about a month I just stuck my head in the sand and took the mind set that this was HER life and if she wanted help, I gave her the tools, she had to want it for herself, I couldnt MAKE her want it. There was nothing I could do.
Then right before her birthday, May 7, I began searching for inpatient rehab facilities for her. I wanted her to go to one out of state because I heard that is good for the addict to feel like they can 'start new' or it gets them out of their current environment. I searched for a few weeks and found Behavioral Health of the Palm Beaches. It's in Florida (we are in Michigan) and it was a 6week program. (About a week of detox included) I talked to the Placement Coordinators in great detail, my insurance covered it to some extent (It only cost $2000 to get her into detox and I'm sure I'll have to pay my out of pocket maximum), but all of that aside, it sounded like a great opportunity to help her. It was an all womens facility as well so I felt that was a good idea. If it helped, it would be worth 10x's what I would ever pay.
She happily agreed to go. She said she wanted a better life and to get clean. She was admitted on May 9th and I got to speak to her on May 13 (she was about 5 days into detox). She was so happy that she was there and doing good. She was having withdrawls, but all in all, she was so happy we sent her there.
Then all hell broke lose------Saturday, May 17 I talked to her and she wants out. She doesn't like the structure, she can't connect, the place isn't what we thought it was, (it isn't as nice, etc.), some girls are gossiping about her, etc. The list goes on. She did make friends with two girls that are apparently her room mates and those girls are probably the WORST girls she could of alligned herself with. They can't say enough bad things about Rehab there and now she has the mind set she wants to leave, she can do it on her own, she isn't like the other girls there, etc.
I spoke to her in great detail and the therapist and I spoke to her together about the benefits of staying...I advised her that I won't support her if she leaves -that this was just the drug talking, she was still going through acute withdrawls (which she denied). I told her/the therapist said to her that she has to OWN her addiction, to whatever it is, and that now is the time she should be there. She is starting to get uncomfortable and THAT is the time that the REAL issues can come out. You don't just start using heroin/drugs because you like to party (as she says), there is, IMO, an underlining issue.
I get a call last night that her and the two other girls just WALKED OUT....
I'm beside myself. I grew up with alcoholics and I know the issues, how to work the 12 step program, alternative methods, how not to be an enabler, etc, but knowing these things and growing up in that environment still didn't prepare me for an addict daughter.
I haven't yet heard from her as she left without her clothes, phone (they aren't allowed to have cell phones), so if she goes back today to get her phone, I am hoping she calls, but then again, I'm hoping that she doesnt.
I wan't to tell her that she is an adult and she has made this decision. I don't feel I should buy her a plan ticket home. At this point, I feel she is ON HER OWN.
Is that a bad move? I don't feel like I'm coming from a place of anger, but I just want to make sure I dont enable her. She continues to make bad choices and I won't support her in those choices.
I guess I just need some clarity. I love my daughter very much but I dont know what is right or wrong to do anymore....
This is really my first post and I'm just hoping to get some advice. In my heart, I know what to do, I THINK, but like anyone in situations like these, I feel that I need to 'make sure' its the right thing. (Silly, maybe). Let me apologize too, for the LONG post....
I have a 23 year old daughter that admitted to me, about 6 months ago, that she uses Heroin. (Introveniously). She has always had to have some type of substance, I realize now, in her system. (Weed, Beer, Alcohol, Pills, Heroin - all this is what I know of)
For the first six months I would do things like talk to her about it, send her information on how to get involved in NA Meetings, I went to Narnon Meetings to help learn about it. I would send her motivational quotes on FB and call her to encourage her, but she didn't take one step to get help. (She continued to use). I found out about 3 months ago that she started stripping in the worst part of town.
For about a month I just stuck my head in the sand and took the mind set that this was HER life and if she wanted help, I gave her the tools, she had to want it for herself, I couldnt MAKE her want it. There was nothing I could do.
Then right before her birthday, May 7, I began searching for inpatient rehab facilities for her. I wanted her to go to one out of state because I heard that is good for the addict to feel like they can 'start new' or it gets them out of their current environment. I searched for a few weeks and found Behavioral Health of the Palm Beaches. It's in Florida (we are in Michigan) and it was a 6week program. (About a week of detox included) I talked to the Placement Coordinators in great detail, my insurance covered it to some extent (It only cost $2000 to get her into detox and I'm sure I'll have to pay my out of pocket maximum), but all of that aside, it sounded like a great opportunity to help her. It was an all womens facility as well so I felt that was a good idea. If it helped, it would be worth 10x's what I would ever pay.
She happily agreed to go. She said she wanted a better life and to get clean. She was admitted on May 9th and I got to speak to her on May 13 (she was about 5 days into detox). She was so happy that she was there and doing good. She was having withdrawls, but all in all, she was so happy we sent her there.
Then all hell broke lose------Saturday, May 17 I talked to her and she wants out. She doesn't like the structure, she can't connect, the place isn't what we thought it was, (it isn't as nice, etc.), some girls are gossiping about her, etc. The list goes on. She did make friends with two girls that are apparently her room mates and those girls are probably the WORST girls she could of alligned herself with. They can't say enough bad things about Rehab there and now she has the mind set she wants to leave, she can do it on her own, she isn't like the other girls there, etc.
I spoke to her in great detail and the therapist and I spoke to her together about the benefits of staying...I advised her that I won't support her if she leaves -that this was just the drug talking, she was still going through acute withdrawls (which she denied). I told her/the therapist said to her that she has to OWN her addiction, to whatever it is, and that now is the time she should be there. She is starting to get uncomfortable and THAT is the time that the REAL issues can come out. You don't just start using heroin/drugs because you like to party (as she says), there is, IMO, an underlining issue.
I get a call last night that her and the two other girls just WALKED OUT....
I'm beside myself. I grew up with alcoholics and I know the issues, how to work the 12 step program, alternative methods, how not to be an enabler, etc, but knowing these things and growing up in that environment still didn't prepare me for an addict daughter.
I haven't yet heard from her as she left without her clothes, phone (they aren't allowed to have cell phones), so if she goes back today to get her phone, I am hoping she calls, but then again, I'm hoping that she doesnt.
I wan't to tell her that she is an adult and she has made this decision. I don't feel I should buy her a plan ticket home. At this point, I feel she is ON HER OWN.
Is that a bad move? I don't feel like I'm coming from a place of anger, but I just want to make sure I dont enable her. She continues to make bad choices and I won't support her in those choices.
I guess I just need some clarity. I love my daughter very much but I dont know what is right or wrong to do anymore....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
You are right on momma! I heard the same quacking, from my son. He called me from a payphone after he left rehab with nothing. I had already told him....I wasn't going to help him. I guess he got out and didn't have any plans.
So I told him "good luck." He was 3.5 hours away. He wondered around and came back to the facility and asked to come back. They allowed him to under certain conditions and he completed it. He got home looking wonderful and promptly started using again (probably within a week) but I didn't know.
It's not important enough, for her, to stay. I always hear...if someone wants to get sober they will-doesn't matter if it's the best or worse facility.
So I told him "good luck." He was 3.5 hours away. He wondered around and came back to the facility and asked to come back. They allowed him to under certain conditions and he completed it. He got home looking wonderful and promptly started using again (probably within a week) but I didn't know.
It's not important enough, for her, to stay. I always hear...if someone wants to get sober they will-doesn't matter if it's the best or worse facility.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Hauppauge, NY
Posts: 62
I just wanted to let you know that you are definately doing the right thing. I am in the same boat as you. I sent my daughter to a rehab in Florida also. Apparently, Florida is the rehab capital of the East coast, lol. Anyway, 3 days into it she left AMA as well. She has been living there ever since (about 2 mos.) That is her choice. I will not do this any longer either. She's 21 years old and a heroin addict as well. If she does not want this, I cannot want it for her more than she does. They are grown women. Hopefully she will return to the facility and continue but if she doesn't let her be, she'll turn up, they always do. Hang in there, I know how hard this is, we love them and its a cold, cruel world out there. Much loves and prayers,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
My heart goes out to you, Kimberly, but you are doing (and have done) all the right things. She's not ready to be sober. I am in the same boat with my 20 yo heroin-using daughter who also left rehab earlier than expected at 18. She met a guy and is still with him. He now says he wants to go back to rehab, but I don't think she's going to...
It is so hard to hear them say and do all the same things we hear from others here--it's almost a script!--and yet each of us is in her own world of hurt. Keep reading for support, get back to that NarAnon meeting if you can, and do some nice things for self-care. You are really doing great in an impossible & infuriating situation.
There are lots of parents here who will chime in soon, and keep coming back to SR. It's been a lifesaver for me many, many times in the past two years.
It is so hard to hear them say and do all the same things we hear from others here--it's almost a script!--and yet each of us is in her own world of hurt. Keep reading for support, get back to that NarAnon meeting if you can, and do some nice things for self-care. You are really doing great in an impossible & infuriating situation.
There are lots of parents here who will chime in soon, and keep coming back to SR. It's been a lifesaver for me many, many times in the past two years.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I haven't been around SR for awhile, but I used to hang out here all the time! My 23 yr old son has been in and out of rehab NINE times in five years. Each time he would last a couple of weeks before relapsing and then I would have to let him go....back into the streets from which he came. He simply wasn't done yet.
I came back to SR to say that my AS has 6 months clean today which truly is a miracle. He's working a strong program, living in a sober house and has a job. He says that my willingness to allow him to live in the streets, "rot" in jail, and feel the full brunt of his choices was THE thing that saved his life. (His words.) Was it hard for me? It has easily been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Was I willing to go through that in order to save his life? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes, I guess I would have to.
I am sorry this is happening with your daughter. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. I wish there was another way, and maybe there is, but this is what worked for my son.
(((Hugs)))
I came back to SR to say that my AS has 6 months clean today which truly is a miracle. He's working a strong program, living in a sober house and has a job. He says that my willingness to allow him to live in the streets, "rot" in jail, and feel the full brunt of his choices was THE thing that saved his life. (His words.) Was it hard for me? It has easily been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Was I willing to go through that in order to save his life? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes, I guess I would have to.
I am sorry this is happening with your daughter. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. I wish there was another way, and maybe there is, but this is what worked for my son.
(((Hugs)))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are doing the right thing. If she is going to use and remain active in her addiction, you don't have to let her darkness swallow you too. If she wants to get clean and go back to rehab...the Salvation Army rehabs are very good and free.
"We" are not the solution to their problem. There are lots of good choices out there and places where they can get help when they are ready. When she is ready she will find one. Until then, nothing you do will help, we just cannot love them clean, if we could not one of us would be here.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
"We" are not the solution to their problem. There are lots of good choices out there and places where they can get help when they are ready. When she is ready she will find one. Until then, nothing you do will help, we just cannot love them clean, if we could not one of us would be here.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: allentown PA
Posts: 19
I am walking the same walk you are right now. There is only one thing I know for sure, I cannot help my daughter. Buying that plane ticket will not help. Get help for yourself so you can continue to be strong in your desire to not enable. Pray for your daughter. I'll pray for you. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 41
Just 15 minutes ago I left my 24
Year old son who is court ordered at the Salvation Army rehab telling me he was leaving. He's bee there 4 days. If he leaves he's violating a 5 year probation and the judge told him he will spend 3 years in prison no questions asked. I told him do what you need to do. Your choices are your consequences. I will love you from a distance as an addict or love you as addict in recovery and give you all the support you need. I have 3 younger children...16, 13, and 10 and for 7 years we've been dealing with the addict and emotional trauma. It has effected all the children. They deserve a life free of the addicts control. It's so hard to play "tough love". I hate it. I'm not good at it but through God's strength I'm able to do it. Stay strong and keep comin back!!! It works.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Year old son who is court ordered at the Salvation Army rehab telling me he was leaving. He's bee there 4 days. If he leaves he's violating a 5 year probation and the judge told him he will spend 3 years in prison no questions asked. I told him do what you need to do. Your choices are your consequences. I will love you from a distance as an addict or love you as addict in recovery and give you all the support you need. I have 3 younger children...16, 13, and 10 and for 7 years we've been dealing with the addict and emotional trauma. It has effected all the children. They deserve a life free of the addicts control. It's so hard to play "tough love". I hate it. I'm not good at it but through God's strength I'm able to do it. Stay strong and keep comin back!!! It works.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Warren, MI
Posts: 6
I really appreciate all the feedback/advise and support/encouragement. It is pretty amazing that once you realize you are not the only one going through this, that others have gone through the same things, you don't feel so frustrated or 'at your wits end'. It's nice to come to a place to get feedback and advice on what in the heck to do.
I wanted to offer an update on what has been going on with my daughter, in case you all were wondering.
As I posted, on May 20th, my daughter walked out of rehab, but a little over 24 hours later, she returned to the facility and is now almost done (tomorrow) with her 7 day detox, AGAIN. I heard from her the day BEFORE she checked herself back in and she was hysterical and upset at what she had done. She doesn't understand why she does the things she does, etc. (She did use while she was out, but I don't know what it was she used, she said it wasn't heroin, but something else-she needs some substance and it appears she isn't picky)
I think I am realizing, from what I dealt with growing up in a household of addiction w/my parents (alcohol), reading all the other posts and going to the NarAnon meetings, I realized no matter how much I give her love, send her self help material, encourage her, hug her, act happy for her, etc., she isn't going to work any type of program to clean herself up until SHE WANTS IT. Plain and simple. She has so much she need to do to clean up her mind/mentality, but she doesn't see it. She just says that she isn't like the other girls in her group (she hasn't been molested, she didn't have a bad childhood, etc.) and so she thinks she doesn't need to be in group. She says she just got caught up in partying, thats it.
SERIOUSLY??!! I really don't know of anyone that 'just gets caught up in partying' and goes for a needle to inject drugs into their system. I try to explain that to her, but of course, she says 'yea your right mom', etc., but I know she isn't in the right place.
I am hoping beyond all hope that this rehab helps her but it's hard to keep the faith when everyone I have heard about going to rehab, has to go a few times. I don't think I have heard of the 1st time working.
I want to thank everyone again. I appreciate you all and am sure you all will see more of me here as this is my one place to get 'comfort' in all this craziness.
Kim
I wanted to offer an update on what has been going on with my daughter, in case you all were wondering.
As I posted, on May 20th, my daughter walked out of rehab, but a little over 24 hours later, she returned to the facility and is now almost done (tomorrow) with her 7 day detox, AGAIN. I heard from her the day BEFORE she checked herself back in and she was hysterical and upset at what she had done. She doesn't understand why she does the things she does, etc. (She did use while she was out, but I don't know what it was she used, she said it wasn't heroin, but something else-she needs some substance and it appears she isn't picky)
I think I am realizing, from what I dealt with growing up in a household of addiction w/my parents (alcohol), reading all the other posts and going to the NarAnon meetings, I realized no matter how much I give her love, send her self help material, encourage her, hug her, act happy for her, etc., she isn't going to work any type of program to clean herself up until SHE WANTS IT. Plain and simple. She has so much she need to do to clean up her mind/mentality, but she doesn't see it. She just says that she isn't like the other girls in her group (she hasn't been molested, she didn't have a bad childhood, etc.) and so she thinks she doesn't need to be in group. She says she just got caught up in partying, thats it.
SERIOUSLY??!! I really don't know of anyone that 'just gets caught up in partying' and goes for a needle to inject drugs into their system. I try to explain that to her, but of course, she says 'yea your right mom', etc., but I know she isn't in the right place.
I am hoping beyond all hope that this rehab helps her but it's hard to keep the faith when everyone I have heard about going to rehab, has to go a few times. I don't think I have heard of the 1st time working.
I want to thank everyone again. I appreciate you all and am sure you all will see more of me here as this is my one place to get 'comfort' in all this craziness.
Kim
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Originally Posted by Kimberly6891 
I'm beside myself. I grew up with alcoholics and I know the issues, how to work the 12 step program, alternative methods, how not to be an enabler, etc, but knowing these things and growing up in that environment still didn't prepare me for an addict daughter.
Keep coming back, mom! I did not read you whole post, but I just wanted to point out that paragraph and say that I believe that it is very normal to be unprepared even when we have had experience with the 12 Steps from the family perspective. But from what I gleaned from your post, you are doing the right thing, asking the right questions, and coming to the right place. Your daughter is better off for it even if she does not think so now. God is good. You, your daughter, and your family are loved and cherished by our Higher Power who changes hearts.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 41
Kimberly
My 24 year old son called me yesterday. He never left rehab. He stayed. He sounded so kuch stronger. He said to me how just a little bit of dope and a high got him to this place....a felon and in a court ordered rehab. He said "mom you always told me one day it will catch up with you if you don't quit. ". God is good. He answered my prayer. He promises if we so our part He will do the rest. Be strong and never give up hope!!!
My 24 year old son called me yesterday. He never left rehab. He stayed. He sounded so kuch stronger. He said to me how just a little bit of dope and a high got him to this place....a felon and in a court ordered rehab. He said "mom you always told me one day it will catch up with you if you don't quit. ". God is good. He answered my prayer. He promises if we so our part He will do the rest. Be strong and never give up hope!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Praying for your daughter Kimberly to keep moving forward in her recovery and in time realize you do not have to have a bad childhood or be molested to need rehab.
Not sure if the one your daughter is at has a family weekend but if so I strongly encourage you to attend. There you will find many of these addicts come from very well off, loving parents and not from the dredges like the myths everyone believes.
To markdara, Audreyrose and others facing this same thing, I will keep you all in my prayers. I believe with all my heart if we give it to Him, he will take our burden's and help us through all of it. Hugs.
Not sure if the one your daughter is at has a family weekend but if so I strongly encourage you to attend. There you will find many of these addicts come from very well off, loving parents and not from the dredges like the myths everyone believes.
To markdara, Audreyrose and others facing this same thing, I will keep you all in my prayers. I believe with all my heart if we give it to Him, he will take our burden's and help us through all of it. Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Warren, MI
Posts: 6
Yes, Needingabreak, her Godfather and I are both going to attend (he has always been there as a father to her). Its in June and we are pretty excited to see her. I really hope it does work.
Thanks for the support, its so much appreciated.
Thanks for the support, its so much appreciated.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
She said she wanted a better life and to get clean
But how many of them really, really commit to the hard work necessary to get to that better life? How many of them get honest with themselves?
When your AD said this, what she really meant was she wanted a better life without having to do a lot of work.
Remember: just because she's paying the price for her bad decisions doesn't mean you should, too.
ZoSo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm bringing hugs and cheesecake to all the parents of addicts in rehab here. While they do the work they need to do to get clean and stay that way...we can have tea and cheesecake and garden and take good care of ourselves.
I pray this will be the beginning of new paths and better choices for each of them. As Zoso suggests, the hard work begins when they leave rehab and use the tools they picked up there to help them stay on the good path.
Hugs
I pray this will be the beginning of new paths and better choices for each of them. As Zoso suggests, the hard work begins when they leave rehab and use the tools they picked up there to help them stay on the good path.
Hugs
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