Family Issues Surrounding Addiction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Johannesburg Gauteng
Posts: 5
Family Issues Surrounding Addiction
Hi everyone
Thank you for the great book reads on co dependency. It makes a lot of sense to me and things are going better between my boyfriend and I. He is 35 days sober and counting
Obviously with his addiction came a lot of fights and most of all resentment especially from his mom. We have a 2 year old son and this weekend is his cousin's birthday party where the grandma will be. Its the first time my son and I are seeing her since my boyfriend came out of rehab. Before he went into rehab she phoned me and explained to me that she believes that his addiction is all my fault. He was addicted 5 years before we met and when I fell pregnant he decided to go to rehab for the first time. 6 Months later (our son was 2 months old at the time) he relapsed. I had been going through a bad patch of baby blues at that stage and was on some anti depressants. She told me that if I hadn't gotten depressed he would never have relapsed. Also she says I would have never coped without him and that the food I make is terrible and that I should be ashamed of myself. ( The food thing yes - but then again he never ate so I was the only one who suffered) She luckily never says that I am a bad mom but she even went as far as blaming me for stealing her stuff ( of course he was pawning them ) but now for the sake of his sobriety I will have to make up with his mom to keep the peace and the stress factors low. OR DO I?
Please help
Thank you for the great book reads on co dependency. It makes a lot of sense to me and things are going better between my boyfriend and I. He is 35 days sober and counting
Obviously with his addiction came a lot of fights and most of all resentment especially from his mom. We have a 2 year old son and this weekend is his cousin's birthday party where the grandma will be. Its the first time my son and I are seeing her since my boyfriend came out of rehab. Before he went into rehab she phoned me and explained to me that she believes that his addiction is all my fault. He was addicted 5 years before we met and when I fell pregnant he decided to go to rehab for the first time. 6 Months later (our son was 2 months old at the time) he relapsed. I had been going through a bad patch of baby blues at that stage and was on some anti depressants. She told me that if I hadn't gotten depressed he would never have relapsed. Also she says I would have never coped without him and that the food I make is terrible and that I should be ashamed of myself. ( The food thing yes - but then again he never ate so I was the only one who suffered) She luckily never says that I am a bad mom but she even went as far as blaming me for stealing her stuff ( of course he was pawning them ) but now for the sake of his sobriety I will have to make up with his mom to keep the peace and the stress factors low. OR DO I?
Please help
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You know what, she is not of sound mind. It is so hard when your child is an addict, no matter the age. I think it goes back to the fact so many addicts come from broken homes. A lot of times you can look at the FOO and see the pattern. It's likely she is putting that blame on her for a couple of reasons.
1. She cannot face that her son is an addict. That he is in control of his own recovery/or relapse.
2. She cannot face that her son is an addict. She cannot face that because it's possible things went wrong in his childhood that she would feel responsible for, and she is not mentally prepared to take that on. It's quite common to hear that the mothers/fathers of an addict blame the current partner. It's tragic and I hope you can see through the instability of her saying such things.
Take very good care of YOU!
1. She cannot face that her son is an addict. That he is in control of his own recovery/or relapse.
2. She cannot face that her son is an addict. She cannot face that because it's possible things went wrong in his childhood that she would feel responsible for, and she is not mentally prepared to take that on. It's quite common to hear that the mothers/fathers of an addict blame the current partner. It's tragic and I hope you can see through the instability of her saying such things.
Take very good care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I agree with hopeful4 and I would add that you don't have to be friendly with her. Reread the codependency book you have and substitute "his mother" in all the places you need to.
Boundaries apply to everyone in your life. You can set healthy boundaries with the MIL just like you can with the BF.
Boundaries apply to everyone in your life. You can set healthy boundaries with the MIL just like you can with the BF.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If you decide to go, maybe have an exit plan ready so if things get rough you will have a way to escape.
Also, when she starts the blame and shame game, don't say anything, just walk away from her and then keep your distance. Feeding her own need to spew solves nothing and only draws you into her trap.
I am no longer nice to people who are not nice to me, no matter who or where they are. That said, I can sometimes remain where they are anyway and have a good time...I just keep my distance and am not afraid to just turn and walk away.
I'm the mother of an addict and the only feelings I ever had for his girlfriends were feelings of sadness for what they were going through. But I didn't cause the problem and it wasn't mine to solve. My responsibility was to keep my side of the street clean and let the others find their own way around.
Hugs
Also, when she starts the blame and shame game, don't say anything, just walk away from her and then keep your distance. Feeding her own need to spew solves nothing and only draws you into her trap.
I am no longer nice to people who are not nice to me, no matter who or where they are. That said, I can sometimes remain where they are anyway and have a good time...I just keep my distance and am not afraid to just turn and walk away.
I'm the mother of an addict and the only feelings I ever had for his girlfriends were feelings of sadness for what they were going through. But I didn't cause the problem and it wasn't mine to solve. My responsibility was to keep my side of the street clean and let the others find their own way around.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
I agree with everyone above - you don't have to be nice. But always be polite. Keep your distance - you don't even have to engage in conversation. A polite 'hello' and 'goodbye' will suffice in my opinion. Don't be bullied by a woman clearly in deep denial - and completely ignorant to addiction. Good luck.
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