Firefall

A month ago, I found that I didn't recognize myself anymore. Somehow, some when, when I wasn't looking worry turned to frustration that fed resentment that fueled rage. The rage had no understanding, no concern, no specific target. I knew it was something to eradicate, but how? It couldn't be me, right? After all I am the responsible one, the helper, the fixer, right? WRONG!

My fear and concern about my qualifier (the one who qualifies me as family of..) who is the one withdrawing from family, hiding out, that's the real problem, right? WRONG

Love and acceptance began to creep back in as I informed myself in face to face meetings with others who had gotten through the dark tunnel to the truth and reading positive self examining writtings. I began to see that I was CHOOSING to feel overwhelmed, overworked, overdone. Filling myself with apprehension, doubt, hopelessness, resentment and rage.

I began to remember to inspect myself only. I am working towards being whole again, so that I can be able to handle whatever is revealed. I have stopped hunting, searching, detecting the flaws of my qualifier and began to detach in love from the chaos. Strangely my qualifier has taken several steps forward now that they are not under my microscope. Say prayers or think positive thoughts for me as you follow your path. That's it.

To my friends at SR, my apologies for not staying in touch. I needed to be quiet with myself for a bit.

Dee74

Good to see you back Firefall

D

Vale

Hi Firefall,
It is a rough road---- better traveled
with SR friends than without. They don't
make the journey shorter,

they just make it
suck a little less.

hopeful4

Hi Firefall, it sounds like you are taking a good long in depth look at yourself, that is a great thing. I too was walking through a life full of rage and anxiety. It was overwhelming. It took a lot of therapy and some great support, but ultimately I ended up strong enough to make the decisions in my life that I needed to make to make myself whole and happy.

Welcome Back!

Firefall

Thank you my duck friend... Didn't leave my SR Family, just went on a Spirit walk you were all there with me.

Firefall

Hopeful thanks for your encouraging words

LoveMeNow

Great post Firefall. I am so happy to hear about your new journey/spirit walk. Thank you for updating us. God bless.

Firefall

LoveMeNow, there you are! Missed you too!

Lovenjoy

You sound wonderful Firefall! I just told someone tonight that my ras seems so much better since I took my focus off him and put it where it belongs, on myself. So glad you're recovery has taken hold! One day at a time. And this self care is soooo much fun once we get the hang of it!!!

Prayers and good thoughts coming your way!

Lara

Hi Fire always brilliant to read a fellow member of SR in a good place.

Firefall

I am determined, the flip side of that is stubborn. When I first got to SR, I thought great, a place for me to vent!! I met a lot of really well balanced individuals who were very upbeat, silly, positive, full hearted. I could not understand that, I had trouble connecting with the positive.

Thank God, they kept hearing me and talking with me. It made me aware of where I was.
I am now determined and not stubborn and it feels great today! One day at a time.

Firefall

Lovenjoy you sound in a better place too! yeah baby!

Ann

Firefall, I completely lost sight of who I was and once I found recovery I had to reacquaint myself with "that stranger called me". It was frightening, really, I had never been that lost before.

Finding my spiritual path has led me to wonderful new appreciation for all that is good and I embrace each day today.

I hope you find that peace too. It is well worth the search.

Hugs

Firefall

Ann, Thank you ... yeah it is kinda amazing... I am finding the joy again.. regardless of what others do or don't.. and you got it exactly right! It is getting lost in the maze of someone else's misery and confusion. The answer seems so simple once you accept that you are powerless over drugs/alcohol and others. You can only have power over your own works, actions, emotions. I get to decide that it will be a good day no matter what comes my way.

Firefall

Today was challenged to stay calm in the chaos of everyone else's emotional reactions.
It took me less than 2 minutes to take control of me and only me. I was so grateful and patted myself on the back. But took my body 2 hours to get in line with my mind... duck

Another lesson. :-?

Ann

What a wonderful exercise that must have been, knowing you CAN remain calm in the storm. It takes practice and sometimes I almost bite my tongue off, but it is very empowering to remain in control of how we feel and act with reason rather than "react" to the insanity.

This is something I need to practice more.

Firefall

Ann, from you are one of my role models, I guess I keep forgetting that it is a life journey.