New to here, not sure where to post...
 

Hi. I have been lurking for a couple weeks but I'm still not sure where to start! I am in a relationship with an addict who just relapsed, so I wasn't sure if I should post in the newcomers section or not, it seemed like that was for the addict...?

I won't post my (sure to be long!) story until I know where to do it. Thanks!

Welcome, you are in the right place.

Hi and welcome.
Looking forward to hearing your story.

Ok, thank you, I'm going to try and be brief, and Lord knows I've talked to so many of my friends these last few days...but they don't quite have the same experience as people here do so...

I'm in a relationship with a heroin/crack addict who has been in recovery. When I first met him he was amazing, working the program, praying, in sports activities with fellow recovering addicts. That has all disappeared over the last few months. He relapsed in November (came absolutely out of nowhere for me) but got right back into the program routine, maybe not quite as involved. But late February, all that started to drop away...no more meetings, told me he was not remembering to pray, started working a ton (something he told me he starts to do before a relapse), and just his attitude started to change. Might sound silly, but even his laugh changed. I told him what I saw and he basically said don't worry about it. And I know enough to know I have no control over his actions. So things went on.

April was a bad month. He relapsed on the 14th and the 30th. The following week he was doing pills. Last Sunday he came clean about the pills (I hadn't known what it was, but I knew it was something), we had a great talk, but then he started drinking. I was blown away that he was so bold as to bring home alcohol! "It's better than the alternative." Nonsense! And I know almost without doubt he was dabbling in that alternative, or something. Hell, it doesn't matter what it is, it's happening.

So this past Wednesday I told him to leave. I was going to take his vehicle because it's in my name and the money owed on it is in my name. But I didn't want a huge scene, my mind was an absolute disaster, I knew I just needed head space, immediately. He left and got high all night. Next day didn't go to work, got high all day. Ended up at his mom's that night. Tried to go to work the next day, they said no, there needs to be a sit down first.

I went and got the vehicle, told him after the fact. I couldn't live with myself if he killed someone driving around high because I didn't have the strength to take it away. Plus, who knows what liability I would have? Not gonna do that. Problem is, I know he needs it for work. Part of me doesn't care, HE did this, not me. Wow, as I just typed that, I felt strengthened, ha. But yeah, I'm having a hard time deciding what to do about this vehicle. I think I need to focus on what I want, how to protect myself, and not worry about whatever consequences fall on him, right? He did this, he used. Not me. I can't soften his fall, that is not helping anyone.

So we are meeting today, shortly, to discuss what to do. I saw him yesterday for a couple hours, we didn't talk much. I had the odd sense that he was somehow still using. Like he brought a stash of something to his mom's. Regardless, he isn't asking for help at all. I mean, he's saying some of the right things in terms of he has to make his decisions for himself, which I absolutely know, he has to choose to be sober, he has to repair the damage. And it's like, if he is sincere, I'm willing to be supportive, obviously. I haven't given up yet. But my gut says something isn't right. I can give him back this vehicle and he can make his choices. I don't want to be taking it out of some sense of trying to control him. But that's not why I would take it. I wouldn't take it if it was his, obviously. Sorry, I'm kind of thinking out loud!

What I really want to do is just step back and let him figure it out. I want him to know I am here for him but I cannot and will not be caught up in his chaos. And I know right now, if he wants help, he has to focus 100% on him and his recovery, not our relationship. And I need to focus on me, taking care of myself and my son. I just want to make sure I make the right choice from the right place about this dumb vehicle.

Thank you so much for providing this place to vent...thank you. I apologize if my ramble was a little hard to follow!

I'm just praying for guidance right now. I need help. And it's always been so hard for me to ask for that.

Hi, and welcome!

I was thinking, I know a few people who do not have transportation , and they take taxi's. there are some out there who give reduced rates to those whose income meets the requirements.

I also know a few people who walk several miles... in any weather. to get to work. one woman rides her bike, about three miles, in whatever weather, and she is in her 60's.

You cannot be liable, in my opinion, there is too much risk. He can probably find a way, I bet.

Hugs

Thank you for the welcome Chicory!

The complication for me is that he has paid for some of the vehicle (it's a van) so far. And it is pretty much essential, he has to be able to haul tools and large materials in it. I do not want to enable or shield him from consequences but I also want to be sure that I am taking action for the right reasons.

But, again, I do not want to be held liable for anything. And if I say, "You can have it as long as you are sober" how do I know if he's sober?! I'd have to engage in all my snooping behaviors (the ones I engaged in because he couldn't deny his use and call me crazy if I showed him the proof! I even went so far once as to track him down and confront him while he was high!) and I do not want to be wasting my time obsessing about what he is doing. It is unhealthy and not how I want to live!

Praying for guidance!

Well, perhaps let him do the most worrying about this. It is important for his job, so maybe with your boundary firmly in place, he will get desperate and work out a solution.
That always inspires me to solve a problem.. when its big and my livelyhood depends on it.

hugs

He left and got high all night. Next day didn't go to work, got high all day. Ended up at his mom's that night. Tried to go to work the next day, they said no, there needs to be a sit down first.

I went and got the vehicle, told him after the fact. I couldn't live with myself if he killed someone driving around high because I didn't have the strength to take it away. Plus, who knows what liability I would have? Not gonna do that. Problem is, I know he needs it for work.

it appears that right now YOU are a lot more concerned about his job than he is. if he needs a car for work, he can get one of his own. sure maybe he paid you SOME towards the vehicle, but it's yours, in your name, and he basically paid you "rent" for the use of the thing.

he's in full blown relapse right now...taking what he can get when he can get it, blowing off work, getting high all day. you let him have that van right now and all kinds of bad stuff could happen. he simply cannot be trusted because his priorities are all messed up. he's in trouble at work which is ON HIM.

do let him figure this out. he knows what he needs to do. it's just a short 3 light year leap for an addict to go from knowing to DOING. sometimes the best "support" we can offer is to get out of their way.

BareFootToday...

Welcome to the Board. If you have not yet done so, pay particular attention to Anvil's response to you right above mine. Per usual, she cuts through the crap and gets to the point that you should pay most attention to.

Sorry about what brought you here, but I'm relieved that you found us. Hang in there.

ZoSo

I am sorry you are going through this and glad you joined us.

If you own the vehicle, you are liable should anyone be hurt or killed. The only safe decision for you, him and other drivers on the road is to keep it away from him.

I know this is a painful time for you and hope that you can find brighter days ahead.

Hugs

Argh, I'm so glad I posted about this here. I've been praying for guidance, to have something that hits me the right way so that I can stay strong in my choice, hold to my boundary. I don't flippin' understand why it's so hard for me to do what I know is right, why?! It's embarrassing!

Thank you for the support.

Barefoottoday, if he can find a way to get drugs and alcohol, he can find a way to get to work.

I completely agree with Anvilhead II
You are powerless over his addiction but there are certain things you can control like not allowing him to drive around high (not in that car) - that could have devastating consequences. You are doing the right thing by not giving him the car.

Stay strong....

I'm dealing with the same car issue. Take the car! I wish I would have stuck to my guns on my car issues. My boyfriend has smashed 3 of are vehicles while he was using opiates. Each time I would get relaxed about the situation and he would need to drive for a work opportunity or to get to court ect...Each time he would end up relapsing and get in a wreck. The police have never helped because if you have let them drive it before they can legally take it when they want (in my state) it is not a vehicle taken without permission. Protect yourself and your assets. Get the car now before it gets worse would be my advice.I have payed dearly in towing fees and lost two nice cars. The third car, a truck he wrecked which is still drivable is in my name ,against my better judgement I left the keys in the house and without a doubt he has relapsed tonight( or days ago?) and him and the truck are gone. Now I have to sit and worry who is he going to hit tonight with a car in my name? I'm worried sick. I'm considering trying to make a report that my truck is gone and he is not supposed to drive due t his latest dui. Not sure if it will do any good. I would rather have him pulled over than drive. Once again protect yourself.

Hi Barefoottoday. Sorry too that you needed to 'find' us - but you are in the right place - I will share a little more with you shortly. Keep posting and reading - there are some very wise souls on board!

I am so glad I found this place. I am on my way to work...in a car that is on its last leg, haha. Oh this whole thing just blows my mind. I told him yesterday that I know he has paid some towards the van, I don't want to control his behavior, but I'm not accepting liability if something happens. We have the option of putting the van in his mom's name. I'm surprised she would take the liability. But maybe it's a solution, if I don't mind most likely being out that money!

He went to a meeting last night (he's "doing everything that's asked" of him). But then, immediately after, called that number and was in that neighborhood. Sounded totally normal on the phone later though when he asked if I could leave his belt outside the door to pick up tmrw (cause I took his house keys).

His goal is to come home in ten days, that's the time his mom set before re evaluation.

My goal is...? Not to let some one who is using back home.

I can't believe he went to a meeting with his sponsor right before! I guess I am pretty naive.

Oh well, of to work, maybe I can stop thinking about all this for a little bit and be me.

[QUOTE] A very good idea!

be strong. your boundaries make good sense.

have a great day!

Keep your boundaries. It seems selfish at first, because we think that they are thinking rationally, so we expect a logical outcome. All our wanting, helping, worrying, Hoping will not make their recovery successful. Only they can when they are ready.
You can only make yourself whole again. Keep it up. It is not easy, but you sound like you are up for the challenge

I did ok today, for awhile. Emotional at the drop of a hat, but ok. Then I gave in to my obsessive behaviors and had to check his phone records. And feel the horrible coldness in my belly when I saw who he called:( I also have started doing stupid **** like saying to myself, "If I smoke on this side of my mouth, today will be a good day. If I can do x number of push ups, things will be ok." I know this is crazy behavior. I have done things like this before in my life. I know I'm searching for a sense of control. I feel so stupid. I know I have none, I only can control my actions. Why is it so easy to know things intellectually but so hard to do them, or not, in action?

I'm so hung up on this dang van. I can't stop thinking about it. And I think maybe, no, I know, that the real issue here is that I will never, never forgive myself if he drives that thing to go buy drugs and overdoses and dies. I care about someone else getting hurt, I care about my liability, yes, but the biggest thing is that. I think back to when I helped him get it, how good things were...I never, never would have done it had I'd known things would end up here. I know I couldn't have known but...well, here I am. I hate here. Is putting the van in his mom's name a real solution? She's ready to do it. She doesn't know what I know, I'm not going to tell her how I snoop and obsess. I felt ok with the decision yesterday. What changed? How do I get unstuck? Why can't I make a decision?

So I just got off the phone with him, I typed that above like an hour ago. Now it's getting to be go time. He's suddenly decided he can't stay at his mom's and he knows I'm not ready to let him back here so he's gonna go get his own place. He feels like he's couch surfing like a junkie, that's what junkies do, ha! He's about to get visitation alone with his daughter, he needs a place for her to stay. He needs somewhere to put his tools, currently in our basement. But he's not gonna do anything until the van is in his mom's name so he won't be scared I'm gonna come take it and make him lose his job. He would've had work this week if he hasn't been afraid I was gonna take the van. He smoothed over that day he called off. I'm jeopardizing him being able to pay his child support if I take that van and he loses his job (though he's already in arrears and is catching up slowly, since he's been sober. On and on. And he doesn't want to take responsibility, own up to the fact that none of this would be happening if he hasn't used. On and on. Wow.

I need to get some sleep, gotta work early. Ha, and I'm supposed to "clear my schedule tmrw" so he can come get his stuff. Or wait, he's waiting for the van to be in his mom's name. Ha! Nobody knows!

I'm exhausted, all I ask for tonight is some kind of answer, an unmistakable sign, or an iron will...? Or the ability to see my choices with a clear head and follow through.

Today would've been my grandpa's 94th birthday. He passed a few years ago. He was the best man I ever knew. I wish he was here to talk to. He always seemed to make the right choices.

Thanks for being here, whoever is here.

Don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like your on top of your emotions and understand your behaviors. Now just slowly work on implementing the changes you want. You can do it.


No wonder your thinking so much about the van, there's a whole lot wrapped up in it. I cant say what to do about it, but I agree if he is still actively using then its safer to either keep it away from him, or take it out of your name. I think your right there is also more behind your worries and maybe the van represents something more? Im not sure. ...How is the relationship with his mom? would she transfer it back to you at some point? Or could he work out a payment plan to reimburse you for your part of the van?

I hope your able to get a good nights sleep, and answers will become more clear in the morning. I bet if you listen real hard you will still be able to hear your grandpa's advice whispered in your ear. How wonderful you have those memories. ...It helps me to keep in mind, I learn as I go and develop my own wisdom over time. We all live and learn.