1st step
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 8
1st step
Hi I was looking at step 1 and these are some things that came out of it:
My life has resorted to being intimidating, obnoxious and overbearing to my wife. I treat her with disrespect, by trying to change her.
Ive used and turned her mother against her, by telling her about her daughters marijuana use, and the claims of how this affects our marriage. This has resulted in my wifes relationship with her mother being, very stressed. My mother inlaw is 89 years old.
We argue every two to three weeks, and I look for fault in everything my wife does and say (this has gone on for the last 2 years of, our marriage). This has manifested itself by threatening to put the police onto her and her cousin, who supplies her with marijuana.
I make an issue, that in the early part of our relationship, she told me she had used marijuana for only 4 years, when in reality she has used for 20 plus years.
Ive tried smoking marijuana with her to be in with her. This has undermined my thoughts about being, negative to drugs.
I smoke cigarettes after an absence of 15 to 20 years, as the stress this relationship dynamics cause me.
Im frightened that my wife will leave me, as she has threatened to numerous times, and that I would have failed my marriage. Im scared of being alone and rejected.
I get angry with my wife, when she wants to spend time with her friends and not with me, my wife care gives her mother in another town, so for the most part of our marriage we do live apart.
I constantly go out of my way to do jobs for my wife at the expense of doing my own things where I live. A lot of jobs have been neglected, out of trying to please my wife.
At work, at home and a lot of time I spend by myself, I have constant internal and verbal dialogue with myself, about how I can control or manipulate my wife, so that she is, pleased with me.
I am constantly distracted by thoughts about her, and struggle to live in the now, which is probably why I don’t progress myself.
The only time my wife and I get on is when we have sex, then we pledge to each other about how we wont do these things to each other again.
We’ve do the same thing all the time, trying to achieve a different result. It doesn’t work.
I cant avoid creating scenarios in my head about what my wife is doing with her male friends, these run rampant, and I end up saying the wrong things to her. I become jealous
When my wife smokes, she becomes very talkative, tells lies, judgemental etc, and I take this talk on board, then some time later, down the track, I use it against her.
These above behaviours are affecting my sanity and my health.
When I spend time with my family, I feel continually restless, like I don’t want to be with them, especially when Im not with my wife.
In previous relationships, I haven’t had very good break ups. Ive always made a drama
My life has resorted to being intimidating, obnoxious and overbearing to my wife. I treat her with disrespect, by trying to change her.
Ive used and turned her mother against her, by telling her about her daughters marijuana use, and the claims of how this affects our marriage. This has resulted in my wifes relationship with her mother being, very stressed. My mother inlaw is 89 years old.
We argue every two to three weeks, and I look for fault in everything my wife does and say (this has gone on for the last 2 years of, our marriage). This has manifested itself by threatening to put the police onto her and her cousin, who supplies her with marijuana.
I make an issue, that in the early part of our relationship, she told me she had used marijuana for only 4 years, when in reality she has used for 20 plus years.
Ive tried smoking marijuana with her to be in with her. This has undermined my thoughts about being, negative to drugs.
I smoke cigarettes after an absence of 15 to 20 years, as the stress this relationship dynamics cause me.
Im frightened that my wife will leave me, as she has threatened to numerous times, and that I would have failed my marriage. Im scared of being alone and rejected.
I get angry with my wife, when she wants to spend time with her friends and not with me, my wife care gives her mother in another town, so for the most part of our marriage we do live apart.
I constantly go out of my way to do jobs for my wife at the expense of doing my own things where I live. A lot of jobs have been neglected, out of trying to please my wife.
At work, at home and a lot of time I spend by myself, I have constant internal and verbal dialogue with myself, about how I can control or manipulate my wife, so that she is, pleased with me.
I am constantly distracted by thoughts about her, and struggle to live in the now, which is probably why I don’t progress myself.
The only time my wife and I get on is when we have sex, then we pledge to each other about how we wont do these things to each other again.
We’ve do the same thing all the time, trying to achieve a different result. It doesn’t work.
I cant avoid creating scenarios in my head about what my wife is doing with her male friends, these run rampant, and I end up saying the wrong things to her. I become jealous
When my wife smokes, she becomes very talkative, tells lies, judgemental etc, and I take this talk on board, then some time later, down the track, I use it against her.
These above behaviours are affecting my sanity and my health.
When I spend time with my family, I feel continually restless, like I don’t want to be with them, especially when Im not with my wife.
In previous relationships, I haven’t had very good break ups. Ive always made a drama
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Acknowledging the problem is a big first step, turnkey, and I'd say your life sounds pretty unmanageable right now.
We can't change our addicted loved ones, they have to do that for themselves, but we can change ourselves, we can find a healthier, happier way to live...whether we choose to stay or choose to leave.
It takes time to find our balance again. For me and many here, we found it at meetings, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many here.
Finding live support groups as well as sharing here has helped me turn my life from one filled with insanity and chaos to one that is happy and peaceful. There are no obstacles today that I cannot overcome, faith and courage have replaced fear and sadness and my path is brighter today.
Yours can be too, I promise.
Hugs
We can't change our addicted loved ones, they have to do that for themselves, but we can change ourselves, we can find a healthier, happier way to live...whether we choose to stay or choose to leave.
It takes time to find our balance again. For me and many here, we found it at meetings, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many here.
Finding live support groups as well as sharing here has helped me turn my life from one filled with insanity and chaos to one that is happy and peaceful. There are no obstacles today that I cannot overcome, faith and courage have replaced fear and sadness and my path is brighter today.
Yours can be too, I promise.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Turnkey, you have a great deal of insight into your own behavior and to how it affects your relationship with your wife.
Now, it may be time to figure out how to use that insight to change your behavior. Maybe a psychologist and therapy can be helpful; you seem very ready to look deeply.
Keep posting, there are many here for whom your story resonates, and who will have support and similar experiences to share.
ShootingStar1
Now, it may be time to figure out how to use that insight to change your behavior. Maybe a psychologist and therapy can be helpful; you seem very ready to look deeply.
Keep posting, there are many here for whom your story resonates, and who will have support and similar experiences to share.
ShootingStar1
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