Lovenjoy

so ras had an acute kidney stone attack 10 days ago and i didn't want to take him to the er. after he suffered for 5 hours i finally took him. then this morning the stone moved and got stuck. he has a fever, has been dealing with this since 2am. finally said he needed to go to er and i was just - frustrated, annoyed and showed zero sympathy. he kept apologizing (as if he has any say in what his body is doing). when i dropped him off i apologized for my lack of sympathy. he seems a lot more understanding about my reaction than i am.....

what is wrong with me?

SoberLeigh

Hi, Lovenjoy. I don't venture into Friends and Family threads very often but I saw your name and read.

My "guess" is that you are overwhelmed; when that happens to me, I go into "survival mode"; while I am in survival mode, I don't feel much emotion at all.

Take some time for yourself if you can, even if it is something as simple as a warm bath or a relaxing walk.

;((((Lovenjoy))))).

Lily1918

maybe it's a knee jerk reaction that you're happy he is finally feeling the pain he cause you...

or maybe you were just upset that you had no control over the situation. Refusing to take him to the ER seems like a control thing to me...

I've experienced similar situations with my AH and these two things are what it turned out to be for me.

zoso77

I wouldn't be too harsh on yourself. I can relate to what you're feeling.

When people have put us through the ringer emotionally, even people we dearly love, we tend to get a bit desensitized to things. It's part of being human.

Lovenjoy

thanks for the support and input. it means so much!

i needed to reach out. not only for the support but it also makes me accountable, kinda. i want to understand myself. i am doing very deep, intensive work with my counselor and know i am still processing the betrayal of my son using and abusing me when he was hiding his addiction.

lily i appreciate you taking the time to give me input. no i am not happy seeing him in pain but control is definitely an issue. when he had the episode i flashed on the last time this happened. they didn't do anything at the er and sent him home with pain pills, his doc. so before i would take him i had him drinking fluids, applying heat, sitting comfortably and hoping he was passing the stone. when that didn't happen i took him in.

and his av started lying before we even left the house. so yeah, i was trying to control him getting drugs.

today was more of the same. i am burnt out. tired of the circus even if there is medical cause.

i think the lack of sympathy has to do with him not caring for years what he was doing to his body. also when he had trips to the er while he was active (and i didn't know) i was all sympathy and i now know he was drug shopping most of the time.

i do not believe his recovery is strong enough for him to take the pain pills as prescribed. the fact that he gets hostile when i try to discuss the whole thing only confirms this to me. i am thankful that despite all the surgeries and medical episodes he has not gone out again.

and obviously my recovery isn't very strong yet either.

Lily1918

ya... the ER is a triggering place for both sides. My AH had an outpatient surgery at 4 months clean, and believe you me hi mother and I read him the riot act about telling the doctor he was an addict and we both went with him to be the Codie police.

(sigh) we thought we did the right thing because he didn't get any pain pills, but it led to so many lies because he felt entitled to have them, and relapsed anyway. If we had let him go on his own and get the script then he wouldn't have had to lie :l

I agree with zoso on this one. I have very little sympathy for my AH being in prison. His choices led him there.