jjj111

Sigh. My sister is "clean," which I guess means she is off the opiates, although I think she is still drinking, and she is certainly still suffering from whatever psychological issues cause her to be impulsive and to be able to turn from love to hate on a dime. But lately we have been getting along pretty well, e-mailing often, sharing advice about gardening, etc.

Anyway, last year, my uncle died and when my siblings and I split up his things, I ended up with his prize target pistol because I am the only one of us who doesn't have kids and we all decided that was best. I haven't even looked at the thing, it sits in my closet in a locked case collecting dust. So since she got "clean," she has taken up firing guns as a hobby. I think this is idiotic, but hey, her life. So tonight she writes me and asks if she can buy the gun from me because she wants to use it for her new hobby. I told her I don't want to sell it (I want no part in putting a gun in the same house as her son), and pointed out that if she has a money to buy a gun, she has money to visit me.

She hasn't visited me in ten years, and has been promising forever. We all inherited a fair bit of money from my uncle, but she still claims she doesn't have the money for a trip. So I say no about the gun and that as far as visiting goes, I will watch her actions and not her words. She then writes me a long tirade about how she doesn't have to justify her spending to me, a trip would be a major expense, on and on. I didn't even read it all, just wrote back that I don't want to argue and won't read any angry e-mails from her, and maybe we shouldn't talk while she is feeling angry. So she writes a couple more angry e-mails, and then de-friends me on FB, which is how we usually communicate. Sigh.

I'm not really that upset. This is her usual pattern. It's always love or hate with her. She has cut me out several times over the years. I actually kind of laughed when I saw that she de-friended me. It's just sort of sad. She turns on people so quickly! Oh, well. I wonder how long this ice age will last? Guess I will just enjoy the silence. Thanks for letting me get that out.

Ann

I'm glad you didn't give her the gun. Sometimes siblings disappoint us, I have a brother who only speaks to my other brother and I at funerals where we all pretend to be functional and family and then he goes back to not speaking right after...go figure.

I have made my peace with this and no longer expect anything more from him.

I am sorry your sister estranges herself and hope you too can find your peace without her.

hugs

jjj111

Thanks, Ann! I guess I knew on some level that this peace between us couldn't last. I do think that sometimes the most serene path is to be cordial but distant. She tends to pull me close and then push me away. I'm wondering if next time she tries to pull me close, I am going to have to find some way to keep my distance. It's not as emotionally draining as it used to be when she pushes me away because I've gotten some detachment from it, but it is a little disappointing, for sure.

jjj111

But yes, I am glad I stood my ground on the gun. And I think that was really what her temper tantrum was about.

jjj111

I've given it some thought, and I think I am just setting myself up for problems by expecting her to visit at some point. She hasn't visited in ten years--why would I think that would change? I do need to just let go of my expectations and accept that we might not ever have the meaningful relationship I fantasize about. She keeps insisting she will visit eventually, and for some weird reason I've half believed her. And it's been hard because my parents both passed away young and we don't have any extended family, so she and my dysfunctional brother are all I have in the way of family. But you can't get blood out of a turnip!

Croissant

I think if we've Ben deprived of a family in some way, there are often times we accept unacceptable behaviour in order to cling onto what concept of a family we have.

I'm sorry you think your sister may visit you...sometimes people just say things they like the idea of, but never actually do.

jjj111

That's so true, Croissant. I have sometimes felt like because I don't have any other family, I have no choice but to put up with her bad behavior. And while my parents and uncle were still alive and in ill health, and then even after they passed, I needed to maintain some kind of cordial relationship with her because I was in charge of their care and estates and she could cause legal problems if she set her mind to it. But I came to the liberating realization tonight that there isn't anything like that to tie me to her any more. Phew!

chicory

jjj111,

I have a sister like that too. I believe she has BPD-It's always someone elses fault- and it has become very tiresome over these last 40 years, trying to have a relationship with her. She seems to sabotage it every time we get closer to talking and sharing. We had alcoholic parents and we three girls were on our own and survived the stress and crazyiness alone.

It was always black and white with her too. We can't just get together and begin where we left off, like true friends can do. She will begin the whiney " I don't know why you won't come see me".... when we do, she does not follow through with reciprocal visiting. I tire of the guilt trips she seems to need to put us through. So I pretty much have accepted that we just are not going to be close in this world. And we have had some extensive talks about that 'guilting' stuff.

Its sad. My other sister and I, we have a reasonably close relationship. She can sometimes put me through stuff, but we all have our faults... I am sure I aggravate her at times.

I think its so important for us to stand up for what we believe. Good for you, in not being part of her having guns around her son. I hope her 'tantrum' does not cause you another moment of grief.

hugs.

jjj111

Thanks for sharing that, Chicory. Your relationship with your sister is so similar to mine! We had alcoholic parents, too (they both died young due to their drinking), and I also suspect that my sister has BPD. I think that black and white, good or evil thinking about other people is symptomatic of borderlines. Anyway, this kind of thing used to upset me deeply, but I will let her behavior be hers today.