My son - again
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
My son - again
I haven't posted for ages. My son moved out just before I joined SR and this forum was great to educate me om addiction and its repercussions. My son tried to move back once (I refused) and has been living with his dad for the last 2 years.
His dad battled his own addictions (alcohol and gambling) and committed suicide on Wednesday. He asked his brother to take my AS in. His brother phoned me yesterday and said that he cannot do it. I am not prepared to take him in again either. He is 28 and nothing has changed in the last 12 years. He spends his days (or rather nights) using and playing computer games.
He has not held a job for many years and earns a meager income doing copy writing on the net. I know he cannot come back. I lived in chaos when he was there and have really enjoyed the peace since he moved out.
My 18-year old son has only had the last couple of years living without an addict in the house and I am not prepared to put him through it either. He will be leaving home for college the end of this year. I am not going to do this to him during this critical time.
I am expecting a huge outrage from my AS. He will finally have nowhere to go, no soft landing, no safety net. I do have a concern that he may decide to take his own life too, but feel I cannot let that guide my choices.
When he finds out his uncle will not take him in, I know he will contact me and expect me to do so. I intend to mention the option of long-term rehab and that unfortunately that would be the only way I could help if he needs it. I know it will be war. He has treated me with disdain and disrespect for a long time and will probably do that again. Except I am not the same person who will cave under that manipulation anymore.
Why am I posting? Because I feel very fragile emotionally at the moment. I have prayed so much for my AS and for his healing. I feel this may be a crossroad for him, but if it isn't, there is nothing I can really do. I need emotional support and advice on how best to handle this. I can take any type of advice and welcome honest opinions.
His dad battled his own addictions (alcohol and gambling) and committed suicide on Wednesday. He asked his brother to take my AS in. His brother phoned me yesterday and said that he cannot do it. I am not prepared to take him in again either. He is 28 and nothing has changed in the last 12 years. He spends his days (or rather nights) using and playing computer games.
He has not held a job for many years and earns a meager income doing copy writing on the net. I know he cannot come back. I lived in chaos when he was there and have really enjoyed the peace since he moved out.
My 18-year old son has only had the last couple of years living without an addict in the house and I am not prepared to put him through it either. He will be leaving home for college the end of this year. I am not going to do this to him during this critical time.
I am expecting a huge outrage from my AS. He will finally have nowhere to go, no soft landing, no safety net. I do have a concern that he may decide to take his own life too, but feel I cannot let that guide my choices.
When he finds out his uncle will not take him in, I know he will contact me and expect me to do so. I intend to mention the option of long-term rehab and that unfortunately that would be the only way I could help if he needs it. I know it will be war. He has treated me with disdain and disrespect for a long time and will probably do that again. Except I am not the same person who will cave under that manipulation anymore.
Why am I posting? Because I feel very fragile emotionally at the moment. I have prayed so much for my AS and for his healing. I feel this may be a crossroad for him, but if it isn't, there is nothing I can really do. I need emotional support and advice on how best to handle this. I can take any type of advice and welcome honest opinions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
(((Sunshine2))) First of all big hugs to you! You sound like your boundaries are firm. You have been walking this road for awhile and know what you need to do. There will only be a war if you engage with him.
A few years ago my AS called me to meet him downtown. We had helped him get into a sober living house a few weeks earlier. He told me he was using and didn't know what to do, at the time he had been kicked out and was on a friends couch. Coming home was not an option, more money was not an option. I remember him asking me if he was able to get the cash together for a hotel room would I sit with him while he detoxed. I said yes, I encouraged him to go to a meeting. It was a difficult day. I told him "As long as you are walking towards recovery I will help you as much as I possibly can, in ways that are healthy for you and me. We have not always agreed on what is healthy obviously, too often what he wants is just not healthy for me. We have been through a lot since then but I have found that boundary to be a firm foundation as I walk this road with him. I have found that there are many resources out there when they are ready for recovery and at pretty much any time of day a meeting can be found. Addicts get clean and stay clean every day.
In my NarAnon group the other night after one of our readings someone pointed out that much of what we read each week is an "easy read" but not so much in application. I thought isn't that the truth. When our addicts are clean or perhaps locked up we can go to meetings, read our SESH books, and set our boundaries. Yet when active addiction comes we know what we need to do but the knowing isn't the hard part, the doing is.
For me, my higher power (who is Jesus Christ) is who I credit for guiding me and giving me the strength to go on. My heart is so very heavy for you, I am praying for you. Be firm, and above all be kind to yourself.
A few years ago my AS called me to meet him downtown. We had helped him get into a sober living house a few weeks earlier. He told me he was using and didn't know what to do, at the time he had been kicked out and was on a friends couch. Coming home was not an option, more money was not an option. I remember him asking me if he was able to get the cash together for a hotel room would I sit with him while he detoxed. I said yes, I encouraged him to go to a meeting. It was a difficult day. I told him "As long as you are walking towards recovery I will help you as much as I possibly can, in ways that are healthy for you and me. We have not always agreed on what is healthy obviously, too often what he wants is just not healthy for me. We have been through a lot since then but I have found that boundary to be a firm foundation as I walk this road with him. I have found that there are many resources out there when they are ready for recovery and at pretty much any time of day a meeting can be found. Addicts get clean and stay clean every day.
In my NarAnon group the other night after one of our readings someone pointed out that much of what we read each week is an "easy read" but not so much in application. I thought isn't that the truth. When our addicts are clean or perhaps locked up we can go to meetings, read our SESH books, and set our boundaries. Yet when active addiction comes we know what we need to do but the knowing isn't the hard part, the doing is.
For me, my higher power (who is Jesus Christ) is who I credit for guiding me and giving me the strength to go on. My heart is so very heavy for you, I am praying for you. Be firm, and above all be kind to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Sunshine I hear your firm boundaries shining through! This is a crossroads for him. Scary and worrying for the mother. I also know this feeling and have spent many night, sleepless, regarding my young adult children.
No safety yet...."things change when things change." Lets hope this is when things REALLY change, for the good, with your son!
No safety yet...."things change when things change." Lets hope this is when things REALLY change, for the good, with your son!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sunshine, this mama cheers you on, he's 28 years old and it's time he learned how to take care of himself. He may be terrible at it, but he will never learn if everyone takes care of him.
He can apply for social assistance if he doesn't make enough money to support himself. He can work, like people do when they need to take care of themselves. He can call the Salvation Army and go to a free rehab if he feels the desire to get clean. He can live on the street, eat at soup kitchens and sell pencils, if his heart plans to go that way.
You/Me/We...are not the only option. We are terrible options for children who refuse to take care of themselves.
As mamas, we need to let them learn, even if they do it kicking and screaming.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
He can apply for social assistance if he doesn't make enough money to support himself. He can work, like people do when they need to take care of themselves. He can call the Salvation Army and go to a free rehab if he feels the desire to get clean. He can live on the street, eat at soup kitchens and sell pencils, if his heart plans to go that way.
You/Me/We...are not the only option. We are terrible options for children who refuse to take care of themselves.
As mamas, we need to let them learn, even if they do it kicking and screaming.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Thank you Ann, Txhelp and Tinks. You give me the confirmation that this is the right way to go. The disrespect my son has shown me through the years, is probably partly due to the fact that I always gave in to him. It is only since I joined here that I realized giving in is not the only option and it is definitely not the right option.
I will wait and see how this enfolds.
I will wait and see how this enfolds.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I have no more advice for you than what others have wisely offered--all "hear, hear!" from this mama of an addict. I send you strength and patience. And I especially affirm you not letting him come home because of a younger sibling. I have a younger daughter who has experienced a lot of trauma as a result of her big sister's addiction. Even though she hurts for her sister and misses her, whenever she leaves, there's a lot of emotion to deal with just sustaining a visit. We just experienced this, and I was really glad I had set the boundary of two nights.
You hang in there. I am glad you came back and posted on SR. I wish you all the best. And I am sorry to hear about the suicide. That's really sad, regardless. Take care.
You hang in there. I am glad you came back and posted on SR. I wish you all the best. And I am sorry to hear about the suicide. That's really sad, regardless. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I know , Sunshine, that your heartache is big.
I am guilty of avoiding the heartache when I can, and it has been a lot of enabling on my part. I am here to get stronger, wiser, and to do the right thing for my son and myself.
Its not easy, not even hard, but nearly unbearable at times. But finding that serenity helps. it makes sense, and feels right, when I get my head together. My fears are my biggest hurdle, I think.
I am guilty of avoiding the heartache when I can, and it has been a lot of enabling on my part. I am here to get stronger, wiser, and to do the right thing for my son and myself.
Its not easy, not even hard, but nearly unbearable at times. But finding that serenity helps. it makes sense, and feels right, when I get my head together. My fears are my biggest hurdle, I think.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
AND, a counselor told me and my husband to just remember if something terrible does happen to him like he chooses suicide that it was NOT YOUR FAULT. Hearing a professional say this really helped me because we always have that fear in the back of our minds somewhere I think.
Kari
Kari
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Sunshine, I hear your heartache through your words. I've walked in those shoes and I understand where you are coming from. You have firm boundaries which is vital to helping your son help himself. I realized (wish I had many years ago) what I thought was helping was instead hindering. The greatest gift is giving them the ability to do it themselves. Easy? No, especially if you are a codie like me. I'm so sorry all this is happening but maybe this is the start of some positive changes. I will keep you both in my prayers. HUGS
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Bookreader, I don't even want to think where we would all be without the support here.
Chicory, I lived with my son for 10 years of his addiction and it was hell. I woke up one morning and had this loud voice in my head that things had to change and it did. Thereafter it seemed easier to do the right thing. It was as if I had total clarity about the situation for the first time. I don't think I could have done it a day before. We are ready when we are ready.
Karisue, such true words, although I think if it actually happens, it may be a while to reach the point of no guilt. My brother committed suicide many years ago and I know everyone around him felt it was their fault. I had to go eventually go for counseling to see it was not.
Needingabreak, thank you for your kind understanding. You are so right, as a codie what we think is help is not. I wished I didn't give my son a safe place to stay for 10 years. In hindsight I saw that it gave him no incentive to stop and it gave the addiction time to really settle in.
But, I also know we do what we think is best at the time. When we know better, we do better.
Thanks for the support of everyone who is walking this unfortunate path.
Chicory, I lived with my son for 10 years of his addiction and it was hell. I woke up one morning and had this loud voice in my head that things had to change and it did. Thereafter it seemed easier to do the right thing. It was as if I had total clarity about the situation for the first time. I don't think I could have done it a day before. We are ready when we are ready.
Karisue, such true words, although I think if it actually happens, it may be a while to reach the point of no guilt. My brother committed suicide many years ago and I know everyone around him felt it was their fault. I had to go eventually go for counseling to see it was not.
Needingabreak, thank you for your kind understanding. You are so right, as a codie what we think is help is not. I wished I didn't give my son a safe place to stay for 10 years. In hindsight I saw that it gave him no incentive to stop and it gave the addiction time to really settle in.
But, I also know we do what we think is best at the time. When we know better, we do better.
Thanks for the support of everyone who is walking this unfortunate path.
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