glitterdeva

I have had it. Heroin addicted husband is relapsing every month, now every two weeks. Maybe he is just actively using and I am just blind. Two weeks ago relapse happened because kids were not listening to him. Yeah. Came back with tracks on his bicep - like 5 shots. Then back on his suboxone, going to meetings (half as*ing them of course). THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE. This is it. He is going to go to meetings every week, he is taking it seriously. Last chance to fix our marriage. Everything if fine today. Gets up, kiss/hug/I love you. I am in the office all day. He is supposed to meet girls from the bus. Youngest is 6. I go to pay some bill online or maybe to check, I don't know, while at work and $80 is withdrawn in cash. Call him. Mega story - need to give brother his money back, need to send someone money, OMG this lady just hit my car. Call you back. I am at the corporate meeting, worried sick, what's going on, who is gonna pick up kids. No answer, no response, he is gone. Log into account again, another $80 is gone. Here we go. His as* is in Baltimore. Lock the account down. Contact brother. Yes, brother gave him $50 also for 'gas'. Oh, ok.

He did not meet kids from the bus. I had to call a lady down the street who THANKFULLY has a husband who sometimes comes home early. Please, please can you pick up girls from the bus. Thank you God he did. I left office as soon as I could, shaking.

I am 21 days sober, I have problems drinking at this point (drugs in the past but I have stopped). Prayed. Called my sponsor. This is it, girl, he left your kids, your 6 year old daughter and he didn't care if she will be able to enter the house. When I came home the door was not locked and dogs pooped EVERYWHERE. So he must have planned it, to leave early, to collect all $.

The 'whys' didn't last long. I have no more anything left. I called my sponsor. I prayed. God please help me get through this and help him to get help. Amen. Tomorrow changing locks. Got the bags ready for his sh*t. Pack and drop off at his brothers. I am about to go to sleep he starts calling and texting: I don't want to live. I want to die. I just can't stop. I am too weak. Should I go to jail? It's not you, its me, I feel like such a loser.

Everything inside me wants to reach out, but at this point i know better. He has health insurance, he can go to detox or rehab or hospital. He does not have to die. I cannot do anything. If I let him back, he will use again soon. It's a cycle.

Is it selfish to let him die?

Sorry for the rent. But I cannot let him back, he has to leave. Not for one night or day or anything like that. Not for one second. Or I will lose my mind and/or relapse myself. Sorry for the rent.

terryr97

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Yeah, heroin addicts are great liars and manipulators, until we stop buying their bs. I almost lost my sobriety as I was losing my mind and had thoughts of suicide because I never knew when he was telling the truth or lying and when he'd be with me or go back out and relapse. If he was ever clean. It was insanity and chaos and I became addicted to that. I loved him so much but I was dying trying to keep him. Now he's in rehab and told me that my obsession with him is old and to move on cos he has. Ah well, probably the best thing he's done for me (I found out yesterday that he doesn't actually have a gf. More lies). The best thing that you can do for yourself is to give time time, work on you and learn something from all this. Last year I was dying without him, now I've just graduated college last week and I'm doing much better. After time away from him, I've seen what I was actually fighting for and it wasn't worth it.

You have your sobriety and friends here that'll help you through the grieving process. Don't give up on yourself or your program. We all deserve normal, loving relationships, which we can have if we stop doing the same thing expecting different results. I know, for me, too much damage has been done for me to want that life back. It's hard but you do recover, with time and patience.

Vale

Never apologize for an SR rant...........

(it's why we are here!)

FeelingGreat

Hi Glitter, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Supporting him hasn't worked, and possibly the 'I don't want to live' stuff was to move the focus from what he did to 'poor me'. It sounds manipulative, and you're going to get a lot more of it now he's been locked out. For both your sakes, hold your ground.

glitterdeva

Thank you guys. I am holding it. If he wants to die, why is he telling me that. I have already been through so much. I feel you, TERRYR97 - as I feel suicidal a lot. I won't do it because the damage to my girls will be forever. I live in the constant state of panic, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, anger and generally feel crazy all the time. This is what his addiction did to me - I am I-N-S-A-I-N-E. My ground is firm this time. He cannot come here, I cannot talk to him, cannot listen to his BS, cannot see him. If he loves me, please go away and do not bother me anymore. Go to treatment. Go save your life. This is rock bottom. It's either me or him. I am in crisis. Cannot handle him anymore.

lablife

Slow down and BREATH! I will let the people with experience give you advise, but I want you to understand what you need to do legally. You need to call the police and file a report. Just a report, you don't have to press charges or anything. You really, really need to do this. This will cover you when you change the locks. Legally you can't just lock him out of the house without a fear for the safety of yourself or your kids. Which by the way you definitely have!!! Also include the neighbor that picked your kids up as a witness. Please take my advise on this, it is really important that you cover yourself right now. They will take the report and you can get a copy if you ever need one. They will not contact chidren and families, and again you don't have to press any sort of criminal charges. I wish you all the best, hang in there and I'll be praying.

chicory

Glitterdiva,
I am sorry.. I can hear that you want your sobriety and peace. When you do not have to deal with his crap, then you will be able to do your own caretaking. Hang in there!

I believe that if he is threatening suicide, you can have him hospitalized. He is a mess, and you cannot deal with that.. you and your girls are first.

You are not selfish. you cannot make him change, you know that.

please, take good care, contact authorities. be safe and grab the serenity prayer for all its worth. we are here for you, too.

glitterdeva

I went to sleep and didn't read the post about making a police report. He tried to enter twice, but I had a door chain told him to get the f out. I went to sleep. Today when I went to get coffee and came back he was at home, just came in. I asked him to leave. The car that he is driving and that is on my name is f-p. Like the whole bumper gone. He packed some of his stuff, I took the keys. It's very painful. I asked why and he said - because I am tired of this sh*t and I like to get high. And that's it.

He left, promised to sign all my papers and leave me alone. I have all divorce papers ready. Everything else will fall into its place, right?

I am hurting so much. But it has to be done. I have been married to him for 4 years. Relapse-->Detox--->Halfway House--->2 years of jail (sending last money, waiting, hoping, dreaming, taking care of everything alone)-->he gets out 3 days after he relapses, then another relapse and like this for a year. I am worn out. I am in debt. Never been in so much debt before. I am alone. I have 3 kids from previous marriage, they feel and understand everything. I am struggling not to drink.

Sorry, rambling. But I am standing my ground. He cannot live with me and the girls.

MamaCas

You are so strong, glitterdeva! Prayers for you and your family.

glitterdeva

Is this pity party normal? I mean that is what addicts do? Oh, I have nowhere to sleep, you f-p me up because I you are kicking me out as a dog, I will lose my job and that is all I have, etc, etc, etc. Oh, and I left the door open for the kids, so don't through kids in my face, grow up! Sure, 6 year old can totally be by herself and its totally normal to leave them to go get f-p in Baltimore. You did nothing wrong, its ME!! Seriously, he is totally convinced that its not a big deal.

jjj111

GD, this might be a moment when it would help to look at his actions and not his words. Just tune those words on out! Trying to make sense of them will make you crazy. If you look at his actions, what he is saying is "I want to keep using and I want you to keep helping me do it. I want to steal from you and then come home." You're in crisis now, but there is peace on the other side of this if you stay strong!

PlasticInsanity

Addicts are CIA-level skilled manipulators. They will tell you what you want to hear, and could probably have a good shot at winning an Oscar for how well their acting skills are. I am a recovering opiates/benzo's addict, so I know this.

Don't give in. He's fighting harder because you're showing resistance. Please understand, he will do what he's going to do no matter where he is - sadly, this may include jails, institutions or death - which of course you do not want around your girls. Addicts only look out for themselves (as he's proven), and will walk over everybody just to get high. Again, recovering addict here, lol.

Live your life and focus on your girls. I lived in a household surrounded by alcoholism (addiction will leave the same effects), and I'm still dealing with the repercussions. You have a chance to give your girls the life they deserve starting today.

AnvilheadII

dude HAS to go. in his selfish pursuits to go get high he ABANDONED a six year old child!!! enough.

glitterdeva

Thank you, this last statement made my day. My kids deserve better starting today. I went to my daughter's play today, it was so sad. Everyone is with someone and I am AGAIN alone. AGAIN face full of tears. I am so mad at him, for taking me on this crazy as* ride. Honestly, I am so tired of being this way - broken house, broken soul, just plain broken on all the levels

Vale

Through your writings it is easy to decipher that you have it within you to be UNBROKEN.
Turn all the heat generated by these hellish years into motive power----contain the fury
and rather than dissipate it omni directionally---DIRECT it into patterns that
MOVE you to a better tomorrow.

Yeah, your kids deserve it.....BUT SO DO YOU!

airwick

Glitter: Is it selfish to let him die you ask? I believe if the help is shown/given to and expended toward....you are not LETTING him die, he is killing himself.

I have a 12 year old. He's seen enough....I got out. That, of course, was my choice. How ever you choose to handle your situation is up to you. I can only share what I have done and what has worked for me

glitterdeva

I am seeing his face, when he came to pick up his stuff. He was white like sour cream, totally white, half dead, he felt DEAD. It's a sickening feeling I can't explain it.

Fandy

if you let him talk his way back in, the next time there might not be anyone to be sure the kids are safe. you would never forgive yourself, he doesn't care...obviously.
he is bleeding you out emotionally and financially.
change the locks, try to get some rest.

Txhelp

Glitterdiva...I know holding onto your sobriety is difficult during this time! I am so happy to hear you have a sponsor and are working your recovery.

It WILL get better without an active addict in your life.

You state that you are alone again but really you probably have been alone anyway! Addicts aren't really good partners are they? In fact they totally s*ck!

It's scary to see someone you love, in the pit, but really you know there is nothing that you can do. He will lie, threaten suicide, confess his undying love for you, and then curse the ground you stand on. He isn't in the right state of mind to make any promises. He may mean them, at the moment, but the drugs take over.

You are doing the right thing for you and your child. It will be difficult to detach but it sounds like he has given you no choice.

chicory

GlitterDeva,

You are whole, just as you are! You are enough-for those girls and for yourself.

It hurts. but think of your girls faces instead, when you think of his. They are depending on you, mom. Your sobriety is precious, and worth protecting. You deserve peace.

Get angry,, forget the pity... he has a choice.