He is sober - now what?
 

Good Day.
I am new to this Forum. My story is very much the same as most. My partner is a recovering cocaine addict and tomorrow he is 30 days sober. He has been home for a week from his second time around rehabilitation center. So far so good. He is doing his meetings and started a new job. He found a sponsor and seems to be handling everything well. Me on the other hand - well I am struggling to cope with insecurities. We have been together for over 5 years and have a 2 year old son. He was an active addict when we met so I am wondering if he ever really loved me. I am going to some meetings and they say that cocaine is a mind altering substance so was his feelings ever really real. Also I am trying to help by not getting in the way of what he needs to focus on. Which basically means I need to do continue doing all the real life stuff. Cooking, cleaning, working, looking after our son, paying the bills. I have been doing this for years but feel a little deflated now that he is recovering and still I am receiving no help. Also I feel very left out - I want to be part of his recovery but cannot do anything. Cannot go to the meetings with him and meet the new people in his life or understand his feelings and give advise. Seems that now that he has his life back I need to find mine... Everything has been about him and his illness for so long that now I don't know what I am supposed to do. This is silly I know and given that we have a chance for a life I should not be feeling this way and adding extra stress. At the moment we don't really discuss anything big. Just the day to day stuff. I do find that I tip toe around him alot. Please tell me this is normal ?

Hello Marnie! Welcome to SR!

In a nutshell, yes you are in a period where you truly do wonder why things are still not right even though your partner has stopped using.

It sounds like you are seeing how one-sided your family life has been and would like to see things balance a bit more.

The book that helped me the most at focusing on my own issues was Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. The second thing that helped me a lot was SR and Al Anon meetings. SR fit my life schedule and gave me a world wide view of situations people were struggling with. The third thing that helped me is individual counseling. I needed an objective party to vent to and validate that my needs and feelings have value.

There are many threads here and some great people! Early recovery is tough for everyone. Hugs!

Welcome Marnie!

I see what you mean, I think. Your relationship was defined by drugs, a lot, for a long time. Now, with that 'crutch' of his removed, it is all different. From what you say and what so many have expressed here at SR, what you feel is very normal, in this situation. Its a tough time for both of you. You need support too, and if you could find some meetings, like Nar-anon, it might be really helpful for you.

I don't know what a recovering addict goes through , or what they need, in their rehab process, but others here do know a lot about this very thing. You can find a lot here to read about it . You can ask questions too, and others here are very happy to help.

He needs to take care of his self and you need to do that too. Hang in there, give it some time, and focus on you. Some good reading, Codependent NO More, by Melody Beatty. I learn something eyeopening and helpful every time I pick it up. It is a good guide to a healthy relationship-which starts with a healthy you.

He has a lot on his mind right now. try not to worry about the worst. Perhaps his meetings are best 'his' own. so he can speak freely about things that maybe he would be embarrassed or ashamed to share with you there. Then again, maybe you could ask if he would like you there.. I don't know if that is what most do or not.

I hope time makes it all easier for you. and that you find happiness, no matter what.

I finally went to Al Anon, I didn't want to, I fought it, took awhile to find a group I fit in. I am more comfortable in topical meetings. It has helped me to live with peace and to accept my qualifier day by day. Have Courage to Change
Hugs