McKall

Heroin Addiction took him. What is the likelihood of it happening forever and not being able to prevent relapse? Here's a bit of our story. .


I fell in love with my beautiful best friend. We were officially dating for about half a year, him and everything so happy and beautiful. which makes everything so much more difficult…. When he told me what was really going on for the past couple months. I knew he had experience with things like drinking/ smoking before, and that he struggles with anxiety and depression. The using heroin aspect though, was when my own heart broke. His family member that he was close with has struggled for YEARS and my friend tried it in efforts to escape. When he finally realized that this is not the life he wants to provide the world with ( as soon as he learned he was addicted ) he immediately tried to stop his use.

The first few tries were 2 weeks, relapse. 3 weeks, relapse. 1 month, relapse. Ever since he was addicted his life turned into only helping himself. He kept a lot of details from me for a while, but he soon learned that it's scary to tell me, but it's needed. It was super hard for him to tell me of the news. It has been super hard for him for so long. We have always loved eachother so much, but we have always taken into account that one of us is an addict. We can't count on the unknown. That's been one of the hardest things for me; as I have been through my own hell now, that love existed so happy and I swear in less than a moment everything can change. We let loose on detachment during his clean 70 days. (Longest so far) He has always been super strong. He found the damn drug in his pocket, he flushed it. (I watched). His "dealer" or whatever texted him, he didn't text back. But one day, his twin brother was on his relapse ( they got clean together) and to help his twin get off the street he tried to find him a place to stay. Twin was using for a week next to my friend, my friend didn't want to do it. He gave in at the end of the week. I could sense he was in relapse mode the whole week, I was worried that week evEry second. But I knew I couldn't do anything. He always just told me everything was gonna be alright and he spent a lot of time with me because I could not handle the events and emotions of that week. All we could do really was hold on and hold eachother. He admitted to using the day after to me. He said, " When I was high it wasn't even worth it. It just made me sad. It didn't make me feel good at all." It took him a day to tell me because when we were happy again, we talked about relapse never happening ever again. We had a plan to move in together and we got our safe to save cash. When the subject came up during happy clean time I kind of threatened him with my mental health saying how I could kill my self if we had to go through it again. He always told me that the hardest part is over. He told me the next day after his relapse. (One use) He has struggled with hating him self more after that relapse, but I am his friend / almost lover supporting him through all. Going to meetings with him, etc. We love eachother so much : )
Soon after, he moved out of his sober house around where I live and down to the south of Utah ( we aren't mormon ) to get away from all triggers and to kind of start fresh. He has been doing awesome there. Job, school again, all those meetings.working out, biking everywhere, concerts, getting back into his passion. He actually feels passion for what he loves most, music, once again. I think that's a real sign of good. I can sense it. He's Really doing what he owes himself.
My question is….. Even though every case of addiciton is different in ways, what is the likliness of another relapse to happen to someone that really doesn't want to do the drug? Is constant relapse imminent? Share stories. Give advice. I want to gain more thoughts upon .. for MY life, if it's possible to have a life with my best friend. Does relapse stop? How long typically is recovery for stories that this relates to? I could ask him. I just want outside info also!
We don't support erasing pain with substance of any kind like this at all or even doing that with having a cigarette anymore.
My best friend is beautiful and so talented, I still find ways to be in love with him. He's so driven to get this **** out of the way. I don't want to hurt by watching a wonderful man's life sent to hell. Obviously. Extra forum support is appreciated.

chicory

First of all, Welcome to SR. If you are looking for help with dealing with an addict, this is the place.

Your friend is an addict, you understand that. He has not really been in recovery yet, in my opinion. It isn't considered a relapse if he has not been clean and working a recovery plan. And that would be more than him simply going a week of not using...recovery takes professional help and time.

It sounds like he isn't really ready to give it up. When he is, he will seek help, professional help, or some sort of recovery group.

Heroin is a terrible drug. He may get very bad before he gives it up. you might want to read all about heroin, and what it does. If your happiness is important to you... YOUR happiness, you want to understand what you are dealing with.

Your love isn't able to cure him. You can read the 'stickies' at the beginning of this forum you posted on.. Family and Friends of substance abusers... and read some of the postings of those dealing with heroin addicts. It will help you to see the other side of this, I think.

Heroin kills people. and changes who they are.

Protect your money, and belongings, because addicts will steal to get their fix. they get very sick without it, and will not stop at stealing to relieve their misery temporarily.

please, if you really want advice, read the stories of others here. it may help you .
best wishes,
chicory

Ann

Welcome, McKall. I am sorry for your circumstance but glad you found us.

Some people this deep into addiction find recovery and can hang on to it, some take many many tries, some (like my son) go in and out of the revolving doors of recovery/relapse for years and years, some end up in jail and some die, sadly we have lost many loved ones here.

The thing is, we never know with any active addict, which will apply to him. Maybe several of the above, we hope not the last.

As Chicory recommended, please read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and take a good read around. Living with someone in active addiction has been compared here to dancing with the devil and it just brings so much heartache and grief to those of us with addicted loved ones.

I hope and pray your friend has found sobriety and can finally hang on to it. Time will tell...good time, like a year or two, and even that is no guarantee that relapse won't happen but the odds are better. His short bursts of sobriety were hardly long enough to work through the withdrawals let alone put a good recovery plan into place. But there is always hope that one day they will grab recovery and hang on for dear life. Many here have done just that.

I hope you find the support and comfort you are seeking, here.

Hugs

McKall

Are the meetings and counseling not considered professional help? I'm confused.

McKall

Thank you for the replies!
He does consider himself a recovering addict and before his 70 day period his use of the drug was super bad. I believe he's getting out, but maybe that's just my brain hoping. He taught me all about the drug and I've been through every page on google . I'm aware of what it has done to our families and him. I'm aware of what it can do.. And I was there most the time during withdrawls for a few weeks. Thank you for the good input

anykey

Recovery is a life long event.

Often there ARE relapses.

biminiblue

McKall, try not to grab onto that - the professional help thing. That isn't the big picture here.

He could get all the professional help in the world and stay abstinent, or he could have a miraculous healing take place and quit tomorrow with no professional help.

Or he could do everything that recovery has to offer, therapy, rehab, meetings, etc. and still go back to the drug.

The point is that no one can answer the question you are asking. If you choose to stay with him, you will always have to be on your guard. Always. Forever. The longer you spend with him, the more intertwined your lives will be and the harder it will be on you.

Your choice is to stay or to go. I agree, read all you can about this. There are no easy answers. We all are pulling for you.

Ann

Meetings and counseling are both good, and every day clean is good too. I didn't mean to sound hopeless about all this, and I'm sorry if I did, but it's hard to soften the reality of addiction.

That said, you just have to look a few forums up and there are people posting every day there that beat the odds. Here too, we call them double winners when they have experienced both sides of addiction (as the addict and codependent too) and they are among our strongest members, because they have experienced hell first hand and made it back.

I hope your path ahead is a bright one...and his too.

Hugs

BlueChair

Hi mcKall,

Everything you shared here sounds positive about his chances of recovering from this. Do you know how long he used for? It doesnt sound like a long time? Anyways, my husband used drugs in college and got in deep for a while. He quit on his own and went on to be successful with school and work and then he met me, his greatest accomplishment ! Last year he had what I guess would be called a relapse after about 8 years of no drugs. It happened at a time when he was emotionally vulnerable mostly due to his job stress, and this old friend resurfaced STILL USING ! and offered him some lines of coke. After this he started binging and using heroin with the coke. The whole thing lasted a couple months and ended badly with him in the hospital. I never saw it coming and it was terrifying.

We both have a lot of support with family and friends and sort of like a village of people we worked together to help him. He went to rehab last year, and so far no relapse but he has a lot of anxiety, not completely back to his old self but close !

Do I have regrets for being with him, no.
Do I think he could relapse? yes because hes still emotionally vulnerable and physically has cravings. But I hope if it happens he can stop himself, if not then I hope as a family we can catch it quickly and get him help.

You cant spend your days thinking about it, but sometimes something will scare me and I go to those dark places in my mind.

Im not going to tell you to save yourself and run or anything like this because its a personal choice what you face. For me, ok he has an addiction but everyone has something. If your dating a guy who had cancer well you know it could come back, he has an increased risk no doubt, what do you do? Same kind of decision I think.

His getting sick has been the focus of this past year for both of us,and in our family counseling they consider us a team in his recovery. Its been a learning experience for sure ! But life has gone on with work, spending time with my friends and family, hobbies. I dont think it will be the focus of our lives forever because he's learning healthier ways to manage life through counseling and overall I think hes doing good. One thing I know is I will be better prepared if it happens again !

There are a lot of people who are in recovery. I would read over on substance abuse side because on the family forum your only getting once slice and remember a lot of people are focusing on detachment and have active addicts, or codependent issues themselves. Im not so much into working on either of those things so Ive learned to float around and see a broader picture that fits with where we're at in recovery right now.

You have a lot to think about?

McKall

His first use of heroin was at the beginning of 2013. I can't remember how long using it lasted before he told me, but he told me in March. So 1-3 months. That time is literally a blur. It was absolutely insane. At this time his parents were so upset that we were together. All I could say was we're met to get throught this and I'm not supposed to just leave. From the start I believed in him and power of support. From then that's when he started to put in tries to quit. They got longer and longer. I left for a job in Cali for a month during that summer and he came to visit/vacation (with my parents!) clean. He doesn't like to count his days in precise numbers, we've learned. But anyway after that summer use began in septemeber. His twin brother has a super addcitive personality and used in front of him when he knew he was trying to learn how to not do that. He even pulled it out and started smoking in my car once. Wtf? When it involved me, my friend literally stopped the car and told him to get out on the street. We left him. he struggles badly. And it has only made my love's problems worse. I hate our problems but I don't even have half the battle. He is so strong. He tried pushing me away everytime I broke down in front of him for my own sake, but I love this man. People always say things like

Get out of addiction if it's not your problem, it ruins lives
and I completely whole heartedly agree. I've felt that. But in my relationship it has made love more passionate. Love has something to learn from in our relationship. Love in our relationship has to be strong. It inspires me daily and makes me fall in love more so. I choose him, so I guess I'm just reaching out for support and to read about hope. Like your family, thank you so much for sharing.

Back to what I was really trying to answer! He really doesn't have a longer use period of a few months. He has hit a few rock bottoms. He called me from jail once. He got evicted. His twin brother was dead for a minute long from an accident. (not overdose, he drowned while passed out drunk though) Each one worse and telling of what he really wants to be in the future. Just not enough but he is more motivated than ever now.
I could kill just for this struggle to clear a little bit.
He is doing well now, although he has only been clean for a couple months.
I believe this time will go well. He has moved about 5 hours away and most importantly away from his twin brother that has put the drug in his life while he's trying to become himself again.

I finally made my self a visible part and voice in this forum because I want hope to directly speakt to me as you did. Thanks for reaching out and all of the replies!!!

McKall

Thanks all for the suggestions! This is a great place to be.
Good vibes to us all.

Raider

McKall wow, that's quite a story. Very sad. I'm from Salt Lake too, (not Mormon either). Forgive me if I'm wrong, you sound very young. I don't have any advice you would take. Ok, since you begged me to tell you.....walk away Sweetie. Give him a year or five, if he stays clean, then think about a relationship with him....before you have 5 kids, a mortgage, and a heroin addicted partner. Good luck.