Need some feed back/ advice

Old 05-07-2014, 10:22 AM
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Need some feed back/ advice

Really need some advice here. My 22 year old son was sitting in our driveway this morning after a week ++ long binge on Heroin. Sunday night when we discovered he was using we put him out and told him when you are ready to live and be clean you can come home. Putting him out was HUGE for us, we have never made him leave. He has been in rehab 3 times starting at age 17 and had about 8 months clean this last time.The last rehab he found and put himself in. The first ones were forced because he was under age. My question is what do I do now. When he came in I took his car keys, wallet, phone and made him strip down to his underwear. My reason for doing this is, he is not bringing drugs in my house. I didn't find anything which is good, except a needle and empty bag which he gave me. However do I just sit back now and watch or do I treat him like he's 10 and tell him go to the meetings, do this, do that. Do I keep his phone so he don't call a dealer or do I just give it back and hope he does the right thing. I have drug tests and he knows I test him when I think something is up. Just not sure how to handle it now.....It was a real shock to us he was using and a huge shock to him when we made him leave, he couldn't believe it and just kept saying what should I do, where will I go? So I hope this is a wake up call for him that we won't let him stay here if he uses. However, I am sure he also still had some when he was kicked out. Need some feed back here please of how others have handled this?
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Old 05-07-2014, 11:11 AM
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I wish I knew the answer, there will be others who know more who will come along shortly. I just want to tell you I am sorry you are dealing with this, it has to be so hard. Huge Huge Hugs!
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Old 05-07-2014, 11:35 AM
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What does he say? What is his plan to stay on the straight and narrow?

It might be good to have him write out a sobriety plan, to say what he will do to make this time different, to make this time the last time. It will be good for him and good for you to see him commit to a plan to do better. And let him do it without your input. Let this be his plan and see how it works. Telling him how to do his recovery is rarely successful for any of us.

What can you do? You can set boundaries of what is and is not okay in your house. My son came home many times and sadly it never brought anything good for me or for him. Our home became a place where he could get healthy enough to head out using again and it just became a war zone.

My son was older than yours at the time. I hope that your son does better with youth on his side.

Keeping you all in my prayers, it's painful to watch our children self-destruct.

Hugs
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Old 05-07-2014, 11:54 AM
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My first question would be when's the last time he used? Reason being he's either about to start some wicked withdrawals or has already gone through them. If it's the former, inpatient detox would be beneficial to all of you. It would buy you some time, too, while you make decisions. If it's the latter, Ann posted some really thoughts about that.
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Old 05-07-2014, 01:21 PM
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Thank you all. Really we didn't talk much (I am a little distant right now) he said the last time he used was yesterday and I asked him about withdrawal he said: He didn't think it would be bad because he wasn't using that long and he didn't use as much as he had in the past. I have never really let him suffer the full blown withdrawal. I have gone as far as getting him Oxy's and bringing him off Heroin, I have gone to the street and gotten him subs, as a matter a fact I still have some in my safe but I would flush them before giving them to him. Ann I love the have him make a plan, I will do that. He won't fight with us when he is clean, he is a very laid back gentle person. His AA buddies have been calling his phone, but he's been sleeping since he got home this morning. Thing that kicks my butt is.........there were things leading up to this and there is always more to the story and I should have caught on sooner but he sold his laptop last week (I didn't know it) a $1600.00 apple for $500.00 I mean really!!!! He has done things like this in the past but it was only after months of use. So I am blown away that his mind was that set on using. Sorry if I sound like I
I'm all over the place...........because I am, lol.
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Old 05-07-2014, 02:52 PM
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Well, we parents usually do what we do because we love our children and want them to stop, but I think it's time to stop trying to cushion his fall. Let him detox at a proper detox, do not get him pills...do you realize YOU could have been arrested and have a record for that? (and I say that as kindly as I can).

His detox, his plan, his recovery...or not. All you need to figure out is what your boundaries are about him living at home.

And...let him go without a computer. He sold it for drugs, his consequence to live with.

The founder of SoberRecovery, a recovering addict himself, once told me that I just might love my son right into the grave. That jolted me but it was true and it gave me a healthier perspective of the harm I was doing, thinking it would save my son. Nothing we do or don't do will save them, only they can do that when they are ready. If love could safe our addicted love ones, not one of us would be here.

So have him write up his recovery plan and commit to it. And let him do it all by himself.

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Old 05-07-2014, 07:50 PM
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I wish I had some good ideas, but I know you can get good support here. You can post as much as you want, and there will always be someone who cares.

I just hope your son will get help, on his own, and that you will protect your things in the mean time. I have heard of so many addicts stealing from their own family. Just don't be unaware of the lengths they will go to. If he had a needle and an empty bag on him, surely he must have used very recently, and will be having withdrawals.

He will probably expect you to help him, with more pills, maybe. As Ann said, don't let yourself be tempted to get him drugs, illegally. why make it easier for him, when he really needs to go for rehab?

best wishes for you and your son. We are here for you.

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Old 05-07-2014, 08:30 PM
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I wish I had some better advice for you, but I too am trying to figure out how to be supportive and also be able to maintain my boundaries. One of the hardest things for me is to imagine my son being homeless. My son is a 23 yo heroin addict. He's not violent towards me or the family. He doesn't live with me but he does live in a condo we own, so I am providing a roof over his head. My boundaries are respect the home and don't bring drugs to the home or make it unsafe. I know he has relapsed and I encourage him to get help. He has all the numbers, but it's up to him. I went through two episodes of withdrawals with him and it was miserable. He ended up going to the doctor for medicine. I would not go out to the street to buy anything, like Ann stated. That could really put you in a bad situation. You can't help or support your son, if you are suffering the consequences of trying to help him in the first place. One day at a time. I have learned to live with not too many expectations of my son. And if today is a good day, then it's a good day. Lots of hugs and prayers for you and your son
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Old 05-08-2014, 04:53 AM
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MyJoey: My advice is to take advantage of the shock value on your son to use as influence to get him to agree to go back into the rehab or sober living housing or something. If you just sit on this, it is VERY possible that in a few months you and your son will be back to square one.

Taking away his "stuff," deciding to give back his "stuff," buying those expensive drug testing kits and making him pee in a cup while you monitor, making him strip down are all temporary answers. You, your son, and your family cannot live like that on a regular basis. It is just too stressful. If you son needs that kind of monitoring then he needs to be in sober housing or perhaps back in rehabilitation or whatever his counselor at the drug rehabilitation suggested back when your son was in there. (Except, if the drug rehabilitation counselor suggested your son live at home with you, I would say forget that advice.)

Just my take on it. Every situation is different and has its own particular challenges. So take what you need and leave the rest.

Keep coming back.
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Old 05-08-2014, 06:25 AM
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I, too, am dealing with this situation. There must be something about 23 year old heroin addicts! She has stolen sooooo much from us as well as having sold everything she has. We've become smarter about keeping our possessions safe. We are working on our boundaries as she is in counseling, working, has lost custody of her son so we don't have to worry anymore about his safety. I'm in recovery myself so it is easier in some ways to understand what is going on with her. She is not in a place at the moment that she wants to help herself. She just wants to feel better, detox, eat, take a shower, and she is back at it again. I want to keep her alive but I'm starting to realize that may not happen. I'm in counseling myself. My partner isn't. I'm learning how to take care of myself. I hope you find some support too
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Old 05-08-2014, 07:06 AM
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Thank you ALL, it is so nice to have a place to come for support and ideas. Ann, I was wrong to help or get him drugs to withdrawal but this was a learning experience for me and as the addict evolves so does the addicts family (if you know what I mean) we tried everything. This has been a 5 + year battle. When he was 17 we had him arrested every time he brought something in the house. First rehab he got caught with weed and found out he could check himself out even though he was only 17, so we set out to have him court ordered to rehab and the only way to do that was to get him before a judge. When he stole my jewelry some pieces that were handed down from gr. gr grandparents and can never be replaced. We had him arrested... a felony that got him before a judge and the state took custody, for 7 months he was in a rehab. We paid over $2000 a month in child support (kind of makes me laugh now and its not funny). He came home as my son again and stayed clean for a long period of time. He wasn't on heroin at that time, it was mostly pills. I think the heroin started about two years ago. He went to trade school and lived in a college house with other people for a year ended up getting kicked out school....crashed his car by the grace of god he only dislocated his hip, he was using at the time. Doctors put him on oxys and I helped him come off everything, by getting him subs. Messed up again and had to leave the house he was living in so he checked himself into a rehab for 3 months then stayed at a recovery house. Landed a great job, bought a motor cycle...job found out about his felony and fired him, started using again, crashed the motor cycle, back... on oxys, again I helped him come off everything, thankfully this time the doctors knew he had a problem and would only allow him so much. After that he really started working the program here at home and things were going good till now. Always more I could fill in to the story. Real kicker here is the boy has a large amount of money (left to him by grandparents) that we control till he is 30, like (250,000.00) and we tied a lot of it up in a house that we have all been remodeling for him got the house at a great price and dumped a bunch into it. Its almost finished he was staying there on and off the last 2 weeks that's why we didn't pick up on his using heroin right away. He was working for us (have a small trucking business) doing really well but he can't come back it ripped my husband apart.
Last night was a rough one, I heard every moan he made, he had horrible shakes and good lord what is that SMELL, something with the heroin addict seems it comes out their pores or something wow it smells in that room!! I won't even get him water this time. Must say if I knew then what I know now, but then again I am sure there is more to come.............grrrrr. ((((thank you all for the support, what a long road this is))))
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Old 05-08-2014, 02:50 PM
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Dar MJ, I have seen my son detox before and my biggest mistake was always tending to him. I believe he made it look/feel a lot worse because i was taking pity on him.They say the worst peak is at 72 hours. The initial signs of detox include massive sweating, pin ***** pupils, yawning, vomiting. The shakes, the chills, the restless legs and the agitation start after 48 hours. After 5 days or so, they start to get human again.
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Old 05-08-2014, 07:25 PM
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MYJoey,
I agree with Ann 100%. I too have had to learn the hard way that there was nothing I could do to make my son want to be sober or keep him that way. He had to want it bad enough for himself. I hope your son truly wants to be sober and having 8 months behind him last time is great. Hopefully he can do it and is willing to do whatever he has to to maintain it. The best thing you can do is support him emotionally and tell him you are there for him as long as he stays sober. Giving him strict boundaries is an excellent way of letting him know what you expect from him if he plans on staying under your roof. You put him out once so he knows you will do it again should he not follow your rules. I wish you the best and will keep your family in my prayers. Dealing with a family member with a drug problem is one of the worst things I have ever been through. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Hugs.
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Old 05-09-2014, 08:34 PM
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Sending my support to you and your family....

I pray that he tends to himself. I agree with Ann...nothing good has come with my adult children living with me and being addicts.
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Old 05-09-2014, 09:13 PM
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I feel for anyone who has a Son or Daughter any age and has to go through this. I have a 32 year old Daughter who just in the last 2 months got hooked on Herion. She came off Methadone and ended up with this.

The hardest part for us parents is not to enable them. My Daughter uses the either give me #20 or ill have to go do worse things to get the money.

Also from my past going out and getting him other drugs is not a way to go. All he will do is use that and Herion.

I have been told Methadone is harder to come off then Herion.

What i have learned in this short amount of time with this drug is it takes there love for there own kids and given it to Herion.

You have to look at it as His GF he is in love with. The more we try and break them up the more they will want to be with it.

The problem i have is she is driving this dealer guy around and he helps her out which is hard to deal with.

My advice is if he gets clean go with him to meetings and he needs to find something in his life to love. In order i think to get rid of it he will have to find a Girl or someone to replace the strong love he has for Herion.
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Old 05-11-2014, 10:09 PM
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Just wanted to say thank you to everyone. The worst for him is over, (withdrawal wise) he is back to the meetings. Amazing what this drug puts the body through coming off, he has lost about 15 pounds. He seems very upset with himself that he used, time will tell I guess. Its just so so sad how many families are suffering with addiction, I pray one day they make a vaccine for addicts. I did read a while back they are working on one, cause I told my son I was signing his up for the first shot (((((hugs to the mothers out there)))))
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Old 05-12-2014, 05:25 AM
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((MyJoey)) - I remember you, I used to be under the screen name SpeedyJason. I am sad your son has started using again, I hope he kicks it for good this time. I don't have any advice, just good wishes!
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Old 05-12-2014, 07:19 AM
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You sound very strong in your boundaries. Glad that majority of the withdrawals is over and he is attending meetings.
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Old 05-12-2014, 06:29 PM
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My heart goes out to you, momma. I pray for peace and healing to hover over your son and all of you who love him.

You have been through it. sending a hug, since i have no better words than those already given you. just thinking of you and wishing you strength.
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