tica

Hi, I found this forum yesterday and I've been reading everything and trying to figure out what to do. The main reason I am writing this is to get it all out and maybe hear from people who are going through the same thing. I do have a lot of friends I can talk to but they can't possibly imagine what's going on in my head and they would all probably just tell me to run away but that's the one thing I know I don't want to do.

First of all, my boyfriend is a heroin addict (he also smokes weed every day but that's something he would have no problem quitting). He's 26 and he's been addicted to one drug or another since he was 14. I am 20 and before I met him I didn't even know what weed smelled like. I'm an athlete and I never even tried anything. I was never close to an addict before so this is all new to me.

I love him. I love him more than anything. He's such an amazing person and he means so much to me. Just the thought of losing him brings me to tears.
He wants to quit, he says he's ready and he's been trying to get clean but he relapsed 3 or 4 times in 8 months. At first he was trying to do it on his own but he realized he couldn't so he started an outpatient program. That helped him stay clean for 2 months but as soon as he finished he went and got high. When I asked him why he said that he doesn't know but that he thinks that it's because he felt like he proved to himself that he can get clean so why not do it again. Last time he used was yesterday and now we're just trying to figure out what to do. He says he's scared. He says that he thinks that he can't cope with life sober. How do I prove him wrong? Can I even do that?
I've been trying to help him in any way I can but after reading what other people have to say about it I realized that I've been doing it wrong. I now understand that I need to let go, but how? I don't want to give up on him but how do I let go without making him feel like I gave up? What if he's not strong enough and just gives up? What if he can't do it on his own?

CaringScared

I really feel for you, it is an awful situation. I'm in a similar place. People who have experience with these things keep saying that the best thing--the only thing--is to cut the cord. What if this is the best way to help the person we love--to help them arrive at the place where they finally decide to do surrender completely and get the help they need to stay sober?

Two things I'm thinking about. One, I don't want to get to the point where I see him change completely and grow to resent him and feel he's an utter stranger. It's so hard to break with someone I love with all my heart, but this way I get out before he hurts both of us more, while I still have love for him. The other thing I'm thinking: if I genuinely love him, maybe the best thing I can do for him is leave him to fight this out. If I TRULY care about him, I have to be willing to give him up to let whatever has to happen to him, happen.

I know that to call this a "breakup" is kind of absurd. But in the end, it's a breakup and we can survive it. One day it will be a memory. If we stick around with these guys, as wonderful as they are, we're guaranteed to suffer a lot and see a lot of terrible things.

We don't want that.

hopeful4

He needs professional help it sounds to me, H is one of the hardest drugs to kick. One thing you cannot do is cure him, or make him want recovery. When and if he is scared enough, in enough pain, he may seek true recovery. He may not. You just don't know.

What you can do is work on you. Go to Naranon or Celebrate Recovery meetings. Have face to face support from people who really do understand. SR is a wonderful tool, but you need face to face support also. When you love an addict many times you will isolate yourself. It will bury your feelings, wants, needs, and all of a sudden your life is not there, just the addict.

Take the focus off of him. Put it back on you. Look at what you want and need out of life and decide if it is possible from this relationship.

I am so very sorry for what brings you here, but am glad you have found SR for support! Keep reading.

tica

Hopeful4,
I agree about isolating myself and burying my feelings. I'm too embarrassed to talk to people around me because I feel like I'm destroying my life and I don't need to hear it from them. But then again I don't know how I could live without him. I mean I know I could, I just don't want to.And that's just me being selfish, but I'm trying to work on it.

biminiblue

tica, you need to take care of you. The best thing for an addict is to have the rug pulled out from under them. By staying with him, you are actually enabling his addiction. You are giving his addiction a soft place to fall. It needs cold and isolation to die. Don't think your love will "save" him. It won't.

Once we have love feelings for someone it is difficult to leave them. You are in way over your head, and you're going to have a very ugly road ahead.

Please leave to save your sanity. If he gets clean for a year, and you are still interested, start again. He will always have the pull of the drug. I would get out.

chicory

Welcome Tica. SR has a lot of good information to offer you. You will also get to know many who are or have been in your shoes.

I am sorry this is your reality right now. It must be really scary.

People do recover. There are recovering heroin users here on SR. But some do not. And those who don't, it gets so ugly for them and those who love them. Most of their significant others are so sad and miserable, and wish they could get away from the person they loved, but do not know anymore, because heroin steals that persons soul.

Most of the loved ones have to detach, leave, protect themselves.

Your boyfriend may need to realize that he is killing his self and risking all that is dear. They may not get it, unless they see that their loved ones have headed for the hills, for safety, away from their frightening addiction and what it will bring. He needs to see that reality. He may have some delusion that you can help him. Maybe addicts think that they need their partner, or they cannot do it alone. But, the truth is, the only way they can do is when they realize they have to.

i wish you well. please stick around and get some awesome support. we care!

hopeful4

It is baby steps. There is no rush to do anything. I am betting the people in your life would be a lot more understanding than you think. It literally took me years to open up to my friends and family. They already knew (some of them) but they knew they had to let me come to my decisions in my own time. They never pressured me or did anything but stand beside me. That being said, when I did open up to them, I was clearly very honest and open. I told them that is what I needed, that if they could do anything to help me it was to stand by me and my decisions and support me. They did that when I stayed with him, and now, years later, they are doing that while I divorce him.

Please please don't isolate yourself. It is the #1 worst thing you can do for your own recovery from all of this in my opinion. Work on you. Figure out what makes you happy and what steps can you take to move towards that happiness, the ones you can change. You cannot say, "It would make me happy for him to be sober," because that part is not up to you. What boundary can you set for yourself? Can you say, I refuse to be around you when you use or within 24 hours after? You have to do things to make yourself strong and see that you don't need this in your life, but choosing it is something you do.

Once you have worked on recovery for a while, you will come to a place that you are able to stand up and say this makes me happy, this does not. And you will realize life is too short, and you don't have to put up with behaviors from others that don't work towards your ultimate goals for YOU.

Hugs. Keep posting, keep reading. You are not alone!

tica

hopeful4,
I guess I am kind of addicted to him. Even though it hurts so much I still always think of the times he made me feel on top of the world. I like that feeling and it's so hard for me to think that I could be happy without him.

Also, I was wondering, do you regret staying with him for all those years? Do you wish you left earlier?

hopeful4

I get that. I was addicted to my XAH for years. You can be happy without him, but it involves you realizing what makes you happy. Eventually I realized while his words were great and made me feel good, his actions were hurtful. The lies of him saying he would stop and if he had drank or not was hurtful. I realized I don't need him for my own happiness, and he was actually hindering me getting there. The anxiety and fear of living with an addict was actually making me miserable, the happiness is gone. Addiction is progressive, I have realized that I cannot progress along with it any further.

It took me years of therapy and the support of Celebrate Recovery to get to this mindset. It did not happen overnight!

Yes, I very much regret staying with him and not leaving years ago. Please don't procreate with this man. I say that because you then add kids to the mix and it changes everything and makes it much much more difficult. I love my children to the moon. They are the best thing that ever happened to me. I just wish their dad was someone else, a non addict. Nope, I am not having an affair or even talking to anyone, that is just a general statement. Addiction is horrible.

Be good to you and put your needs high up on your chart of important things in life! You only live one time.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board.

How do you let go? By letting go. Probably not the answer you were looking for, but when you strip the emotions away from the decision making process, it's that simple.

This is what we know to be true. He's been addicted to "one drug or another" since he was 14. He's now 26, and he's now addicted to heroin. How this qualifies him as an "amazing" person puzzles me, because truth be told, you really don't know him. What you're experiencing is who he is under the influence. If you take away the drugs, you don't know what is he at his core.

What he says and what he does are, and will be, orthogonal to each other until he gets serious about wanting to embrace recovery and all of the difficult, painful work that goes along with that. He's not in that headspace. Most opiate addicts don't get to that headspace because it's too damn hard.

What letting go really means is accepting that he's beyond the help of anyone, and there's nothing you can do. It also means that in order to protect yourself, you need to remove him from your life. And that's a difficult thing to do. But doing that is easier than living your life day to day coupled to a person who is choosing to slowly self destruct.

If you haven't done so already, I would read "What Addicts Do" on our Sticky Notes, which is on our homepage. Read it as many times as you can stomach, because that is exactly what you're up against. You're 20 years old. Think about your future and what's best for you.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be with them, or mean you go down in flames together.

ZoSo

BlueChair

I would say to look at your life, evaluate your hopes and dreams for the future and make an honest assessment about how your boyfriend fits into your plans. Im not saying this to take away from his being a good guy, or even doubting his future potential, because people do recover and live great lives.

But when dating we have the chance to look at the whole guy, and while some are perfect in many ways there might be one thing we know deep in our heart makes them incompatible with who we are. My husband had a drug problem over 8 years ago before we met, and he relapsed last year on coke and heroin. It threw me big time ! We are compatible and I love him with all my heart. I don’t love the addiction he is burdened with however. He’s clean now, and if he relapses then we will face it together. But I know addiction is powerful and deadly, I almost lost him last year. Please be careful whatever you do.

People who are using drugs need to face natural consequences of their actions. If your relationship has broken down, is scary, making you unfulfilled, or anything other negative and it makes you want to think twice or get out, then it’s a natural consequence of his addiction and he will have to accept it. People with addiction still need friendship and love, just not enabling. If you end the relationship do it for you, not because you want to punish him for using, thinking you have to take yourself away. If it were that simple, every breakup would lead to recovery, but it doesn’t. there’s no master plan unfortunately.


Ive used counseling to help me, and right now Im learning a method called Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) where its about providing motivation, positive reinforcement to my husband without enabling, AND making sure I take good care of myself. Don’t isolate. Don’t stop being who you are, to accommodate his addiction whatever you do. Remember who you are, and trust yourself to make the best choices for your future.

tica

Thank you all so much for your support. I finally think that I can do it. Before I went to bed I was feeling so angry and sick and I just wanted to scream. I wish he wasn't being so nice to me, it would be so much easier. But I just woke up in the middle of the night and remembered all the things that I wanted to do before I met him and I realized that I totally forgot about everything all put it all aside because of him. I didn't wanna see that before because he was more important than anything else. And for now he still is. I will need some time to figure this out but I think I'm going the right way.