An Update of Sorts
 

Once they're crackers, they stay crispy. -- Rule Number One when it comes to dealing with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder

Run. Run the other way. Run the other way as fast as you can. -- Rule Number Two

This past weekend, my AXGF attempted to call me from another phone when she figured out she couldn't contact me from her phone. Within a period of 36 hours, she tried calling me 5 times.

So I did something I thought I wouldn't do: change my number.

Checkmate?

During the past several days, I thought a lot about my past relationship with her and the decisions I made to get involved with someone when I was still grieving the loss of my previous relationship. In hindsight, she knew I was vulnerable when we met, and she took full advantage of that. When someone is f**king your socks off and being very attentive to your emotional needs, you tend not to think about that previous relationship as much. What getting involved with my AXGF did was take me away from grieving. And that decision, a reckless and foolish decision, is all on me.

In time, my AXGF's core started to reveal itself. She waited, of course, to tell me about her history of substance abuse, but by that time she had her hooks in me so it didn't matter. And then her Borderline core started coming out...slowly at first, but once off the opiates it came out pretty quick.

And here I am, almost four years later, still dealing with her bullsh*t. My moment of weakness has had tremendous consequences. At the same time, though, I look back and can see where and when I went off the rails. And as much as her behavior is directed at me, at the end of the day, I can't take it personally. She's simply being her. She's a severe Borderline with substance abuse issues that has not, and will not, address any of the behaviors and tendencies that cause pain to others and herself. She'll never change.

Now that my number has been changed, that brings an end to the phone calls. Time will tell if it brings an end to the harrassment.

ZoSo

You did the right thing by changing your number. I know you didn't want to do that, but when you are dealing with someone with mental problems, you must do what is necessary, even if you feel like it isn't right that you should have to do that.

The only way she can contact you now is to show up where she knows you will be.

Please be careful.

Thanks, Suki. I will be.

It came to changing my number, too.

I did everything I could to dissuade contact,so
as to not hurt her feelings by giving such an
unequivocal signal.Nothing worked.

Changing my number did the trick----I gave
her every path to disengage gracefully.... but
in the end decisive action was warranted.

Thank, Zoso, for sharing so honestly something we speak about here often when moving on to new relationships. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy. How simple that sounds but when we are sick, the people who understand best and connect are others who are sick. Once we take time to heal, get healthy, do some self-reflection on what is and is not okay in our relationships, we become healthy and then we notice and are attracted to others who have the same healthy goals in life, healthy boundaries, and share themselves in relationships in a healthy way.

I have heard so many times here, from friends I who went through several bad relationships before they found a good one...I have heard them say "My picker was broken, I just could not pick healthy if my life depended on it." Some went from sick to different kind of sick, one friend who comes to mind went from a man who neglected her more and more over time to a man who was obsessively possessive...see how that kind of change would attract her at first? But it was sick to sicker in her case.

She took time to heal, she went to meetings and found her balance in working the 12 steps that saved her from herself, and today she is married to a wonderful man who is healthy and kind and sharing and supportive and fun to be with...just like she is.

Don't beat yourself up for choosing unwisely, Zoso, as sick as your attraction to her initially may seem now, what is important is that today you have your balance, you ARE healthy and capable of making healthy choices and you are wiser for the journey. That's the way most of us learn, from the school of hard knocks.

I hope she will back off now, I hope you will find peace without the phone calls. And I thank you for sharing an experience that many here have gone through or will go through before they find a healthier way to live too.

Hugs

I hope she backs off, too, Ann. Honestly, I would bet against it. Her pathology being what it is, there are likely two things at play. The first is she will take great pleasure in the fact she forced me to change my number. The second is since she can no longer get my attention by text or phone, she'll escalate by showing up at my home. She wants her targets to feel as much chaos and distress as she does. And she won't give up easily.

I really hope I'm wrong, Ann. Time will tell.

Zoso...good for you. If you keep up the NC and don't react, eventually she will see she is not getting the attention she needs and hopefully move on.

You can buy a taser and house alarm signs on Amazon for cheap, just saying.

Please stay safe.

A tazer is a good idea.

$10 on Amazon.

The showing up at one’s home…It isn’t always about getting attention or anything at all in return. It can be some fantasy she is playing out you know nothing about or could even imagine.

That is why I suggested in your other thread to keep your one number and get another phone with a new one. This way you keep her thinking that she is still in the loop and you protect yourself against any escalation.

This is all new wave advice and thinking as they delve further into the minds of those obsessed or mentally ill and learn how they tick. The illusion of your voice on the message machine fed something within her enough that she didn’t come for a visit. Surely she isn’t stupid, she knew when you blocked her, she could find out easily by calling from a different number … she knew the block would come down and she would get through again. Very meticulous and frankly scary.. Being able to call and text was all she needed so far, the danger lies in what will be from here because she seem satisfied just to call or text before. She could possibly find some rational thought and make this an end which I doubt but hope is the outcome. Or she will escalate almost scorned by the change. Taking it so personal which will push her to being more irrational than she is now.

I will keep good thoughts. You stay safe out there.

IncitingSilence, I will. Thank you.

Stay diligent, Zoso, maybe install a good alarm system.

There should be very serious legal penalties for people who do what she is doing.

Hugs

Stalking is one-on-one terrorism.

I had one of these many years ago. Professional requirement to
interact/brief, which, when delivered in a friendly manner----was
interpreted as something else.

After receiving several 'hang-ups' during an off duty period
('kinda strange), this person made allusions during next duty period
to the effect that she 'knew I was home'. I put 2+2 together,
collected a few well known & respected coworkers to witness---then
stated in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that if she EVER tried to contact me
via ANY method phone/text/carrier pigeon---that I would BYPASS
professional standards and go directly for the jugular by reporting it to
our mutual employer....with the certain knowledge it would cost her her
livelihood.

It stopped.

If she so much as butt dials my home ever again-I WILL follow
through.

I currently have enough evidence to make life uncomfortable for my AXGF. In a 17 month span, I have evidence that she's escalating.

But I believe what ultimately drives my AXGF is she wants to be in my head. She wants me to use mental and emotional energy thinking about her. And why do I want to do that? Answer: I don't.

I've changed my number. She cannot get through the gate of my workplace. This leaves her coming to the house and causing a scene.

If she wants to do this...if this is the path she chooses...then there will be consequences for her.

ZoSo