Feeling Weak and Worried

Old 05-06-2014, 12:02 PM
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Feeling Weak and Worried

My AD and her ADBF are headed back to our state after nearly a year of wandering around, trying to settle somewhere, hitchhiking, using, sleeping in bushes, working odd jobs. She's been encouraged to come "home" by both her sister and me, mostly because we are so afraid when she's out on the road...we miss her and love her so much.

I am writing because I know I need a plan when they are back in town. Here is what I know: they can't stay at our house, they have no money and I won't give them any; they will likely be homeless; they are using, but say they want recovery; I have made connections with methadone/suboxone clinics and learned about associated out-patient programs; I want them to embrace this; I want them to stop running; I am worried. It is so painful being the mom of an addict. I know I am not in control of her choices or her life. But still, I am scared and sad.

I don't know what I am asking for, friends, I just needed a place to share this, and SR has been there for me in many other low moments.

Thanks.
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Old 05-06-2014, 12:42 PM
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Hiya I'm learning to love my husband with detachment. I have only been on here a couple of days and the support is amazing. stick to your boundaries of you can. Have you ever read an open letter from an addict. It's on the famanon site ? That always helps me when I read it
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Old 05-06-2014, 12:48 PM
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An Open Letter to My Family (from the drug addict) have a look
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Old 05-06-2014, 03:28 PM
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I'm sorry you are anxious Garden Mama. I can relate totally. As much as I would like to know my son was seeking recovery...I don't think I want him on my doorstep. Or the chaos that subsequently follows him. You've researched some options for them...how they respond to that will be a good indicator of how serious they are. Are there any Oxford houses in your area? If people are serious about recovery they can also be a good support and option.

I'll be sending extra prayers your way. As Kindeyes has always said...parenting is not for weenies. Big hug being sent to you.
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Old 05-06-2014, 03:39 PM
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Garden Mama, i know you are anxious to see your daughter, as it has been a long time and completely understand your anxiety. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and sending prayers your way for peace and strength. I am also sending prayers up for your daughter that she is getting closer and closer to really wanting recovery. You can provide her with all the information you gathered when she brings up recovery and see what happens. In the meantime, you know how it important it is for you to take care of yourself and your other daughter. Hugs!
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Old 05-06-2014, 04:02 PM
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Dear Garden Mama, I haven''t posted in a while but wanted to acknowledge your concern and fears about seeing your daughter again. We are at the 6 month mark of JJ returning home and it has NOT been a walk in the park. Even with JJ working his recovery, my codependency has risen from its slumber. We are now offering JJ the opportunity to move into sober living. I know it the absolute RIGHT thing to do He was laid off (temp assignment completed) from his job and is looking for a new one. . I know him living under my roof with no money and no reason to move is not healthy for any of us. You are doing the right thing for your peace of mind. Sending prayers and hugs that your daughter decides to take that next step in recovery. Sounds like they are tired of living on the road? That's good.
Hugs
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Old 05-07-2014, 08:52 PM
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Garden Mama, I do hope this is really a turning point point for your daughter for the better. It is so hard to let go. I can only imagine how hard it is to know that your child is living in the streets. That is my biggest fear. My 23 yo son does not live at home, and I don't think I could ever allow him back in our home, but he does live in a condo we own. I fear having to ask him to leave if things ever become bad enough. He recently had a relapsed so we sat down and talked. I'm at the point right now that I don't know how else to help him. Recovery has to be his decision. I know I can't force him into any program because it won't work if he doesn't want it to. I told him to seek a program or a combination of programs if that's what he thinks it's going to work. I kind of have decided in my mind that if he ever has to leave because it's just not working out, I would not allow him to come back to the condo. He would have to find a different place to stay. Going in circles can just be so tiring. I wish you all the luck and will pray that your daughter is safe.
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Old 05-08-2014, 04:38 AM
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Originally Posted by GardenMama
I am writing because I know I need a plan when they are back in town. Here is what I know: they can't stay at our house, they have no money and I won't give them any; they will likely be homeless; they are using, but say they want recovery; I have made connections with methadone/suboxone clinics and learned about associated out-patient programs; I want them to embrace this; I want them to stop running; I am worried. It is so painful being the mom of an addict. I know I am not in control of her choices or her life. But still, I am scared and sad.
GardenMama, you know me well enough by now to know I say this with love in my heart. You say YOU need a plan, but sweetie, what I see is your plan for them.

I completely understand how staying with you is not an option, I've been to that rodeo too many times with my own son. But maybe give them your information and make out a list of alternative options...detox, rehabs, out-patient, meetings, free counseling and social services...and give it to her when she arrives. She can connect with any of these, or she can choose to continue to use and live like she is living...but it will help your feeling of guilt for not being an option.

Then...make a plan for yourself. Go to meetings if you have some in your area, read up on boundaries and enforcing them, plan something fun for yourself that has nothing to do with addiction, and just show up and let life happen.

My prayers go out for all of you, I know the pain you feel. May the coming days lead to better roads ahead for all of you.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
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Old 05-08-2014, 04:46 AM
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a place in which to recover

Originally Posted by GardenMama View Post

I have made connections with methadone/suboxone clinics and learned about associated out-patient programs
your love and concern for them is shone and seen from up top the mountain

now let us pray
that all is in God's timing
and they will be willing and have a true desire to get clean and sober
if not
we continue to pray
is so
we give thanks in prayer

sure sounds simple
but
I know that it is not
stay strong dear one
and
it warms my heart on this very early morning
knowing that there are ones such as you out there
offering the sick ones a place in which to go so as to recover from their past


Mountainman
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Old 05-08-2014, 06:14 AM
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This was great feedback for me to read today. I'm really working on detaching with love from my partner's daughter who is addicted to heroin. I've become so used to the chaos it has become normalized.
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Old 05-08-2014, 09:34 AM
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GM, it's your child. I understand your need to do something.

Get a list together of any programs offered, homeless shelters, assistance, SALVATION ARMY, etc. List addresses and phone numbers. Tell them you hope they seek out help but the best thing you can do for either one of them is allow them to help themselves.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Tight Tight Hugs!
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Old 05-08-2014, 11:25 AM
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Thanks to each and every one of you dear people. Thank you for all the healthy reminders (Ann), the love (everyone) and the awesome "prayer" (Mountainmanbob)--it gave me goosebumps & I will keep reading it. I do love her so very much and don't want to lose her again.

There is good and hopeful news--they are on their way to my house today. Her BF plans to get into treatment as soon as possible after they arrive. They have a plan and it sounds clearer than any others I have heard lately. I have said they can stay two nights only. That is all I can handle and she knows my boundaries around this. My mental work will be keeping her teenaged sister from taking on all the things I have worked so hard to detach from!
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Old 05-08-2014, 11:32 AM
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Answered prayers, GardenMama. It sounds like they are on a good path.
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Old 05-08-2014, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by GardenMama View Post

There is good and hopeful news--they are on their way to my house today. Her BF plans to get into treatment as soon as possible after they arrive. They have a plan and it sounds clearer than any others I have heard lately. I have said they can stay two nights only.
this touching thread makes me miss my grandma
they are so fortunate to have you in their lives

for God has been so very good to us
may you all be blessed

MB
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Old 05-08-2014, 07:31 PM
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GM I pray your daughter and BF get the help they desire and can find a program that works for them. Mountainbob, what a beautiful prayer for GM and I miss my grandmother too!! She was very special to me and I always knew I was loved by her.
God bless you GM and I will keep your family in my prayers. HUGS.
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