Yogagurl

For all the people who lurk on this site as guests who haven't posted and are seeking clarity on the addict in their lives, for everyone who is coming on board to seek explanation to the behavior of the addict they love, and for people who are doubting their own sanity about the behavior of the addict they love - this is my take and experience on addicts:

They LIE like hell. Not just to you, but to everyone. An addict will lay out of work to abuse their DOC and tell the boss man they were in an accident, very convincingly, till the person on the other end of the phone feels sorry for the incident that did not actually occur. If an addict walks out the door to "go to the store" and they are in active addiction, chances are very likely they are lying about there whereabouts - they are seeking out their DOC. They will ask for money from family members and lie about why they are struggling to pay the bills. It's not YOU. It's not YOUR fault. You CAN'T control where they are, where they say they are going, who they associate with - none of it. If you DO try to minimize the chances of them getting drugs, they will find a way around it. If you try to call them out in a lie, they will find another lie to cover for the lie they have already spoken.

They will STEAL - not just from you, but from anyone they can steal from. That's not to say they are only going for materialistic things - they will steal time, concern, sympathy, and whatever they can get a hold of that will fill the void they currently have. A drug addict will turn any situation they can possible to get people to feel sorry for them, to get someone to do a favor, to get some one to loan them a few buck, for a ride, for a couch to sleep on, for a meal.

They will CHEAT - they will cheat anyone who is willing to give them the benefit of the doubt or a landing zone out of what should be a favor between friends. What an addict might call a "favor" is really just a medium for them to get to the next hit, fix, smoke. When an addict has run out of resources in their immediate social network, they WILL find someone else to help them get to their end. It's not YOU. It's not just YOU they use and seek favors, help, etc. If it wasn't YOU it would be SOMEONE ELSE.

They will BLAME - anyone and everything around them as an excuse to use. Period. If it wasn't you standing right there, it would be the next guy who caused them to relapse, to call the dope man, to go on a binge. It's not YOU.

An addict is not trapped in their addiction any more than you are trapped with an addict. They can make the necessary steps to make changes to their lives - they can admit themselves to a rehab, go to the hospital, whatever. If you believe an addict is trapped, you are wrong. Addicts are not trapped, they are in denial.

sorry, had to rant, had to type that, had to get that off my chest, have to HEAL

MamaCas

That is all just so true! Further proof that our "situations" are not unique.

Sungrl

Guess I can't speak for anyone else's, but that was mine to a T. Every single word. He's in jail now from an alcohol related incident In January. Even over 30days clean the same bull**** is coming from his mouth.

Karrets

Perfectly put....

hopeful4

Bravo...perfectly put. Sad but very very true!

CaringScared

As someone who's been lurking of late, thank you, this is helpful. Objective reality to counter the feelings of guilt over what I should and should not have done.

He was destined to keep using no matter what I said or did. I'm the only one I can take care of. I wonder why it still makes me feel so very sad.

Toughen up, buttercup.

Karrets

I think it's harder if you like to rescue. I'm a counsellor so we play to each others weaknesses a lot of the time. Also I avoid feeling pain so don't follow my actions through. The reality is I've been in pain for 2 years. I live between illusion and misery. even the happy times arnt real

LoveMeNow

I always thought they were trapped in their addiction until ?? Hoping some RA's weigh in.

CaringScared

That's exactly how I've been feeling lately. I think every day I continue to put distance between myself and the addicted one, I feel the situation's hold on me loosen by a tiny fraction. But it's horrible walking around in the same beautiful world that others are in, with birds and sunshine and trees, and to feel nothing but suffering and doom.

I think being in love with someone is a very powerful experience anyway, one that floods you with all kinds of chemicals. To have the person turn out to be sick and abusive just damages your mind.

Karrets

I feel for you caringscared but at least like me we are putting a little detachment in there and when we do it feels weird and unhonest with ourselves but I know I feel a bit stronger ?

CaringScared

Agree completely, Karrets. I agree. Just keep moving...one foot forward...

Yogagurl

I am not saying there isn’t hope for active addicts. My point is that there is nothing you can do about their behavior – you should not take anything an addict does personally. They don’t use you and hurt you because they hate you or they love you. I’m not saying that addicts are emotionally dead, but they certainly don’t let their emotions about other human beings determine how they choose to treat that person. If you love an active addict, don’t expect that kind of love back in return. You can expect they will call you when they need some money or a ride, but not to spend quality picnicking and telling childhood stories. All an active addict is concerned with is their DOC. And if they can’t get their DOC, they will settle for the next best thing. Case in point – when my AH is not working, he is not home. He is spending time with Joe, Sandy, Jim, and Jane, who all have the commonality of being drug users. Maybe if I had a Percocet or xanax prescription, or I was the coke dealer, he would spend time at home. But I don’t and I’m not. No drugs, no reason to stick around the house. The drug addict thinks “I don’t want or NEED to do anything but USE.” They don’t NEED to love you, treat you well, be there for friends and family, pay bills, buy groceries, or take care of anything else besides their own desire to get a fix. And Jesus Christ, it has taken me a long time to figure out that there are people out there who live on the dark side, who exemplify every negative quality and characteristic that exist, who are just downright rotten people. Maybe the addict wasn’t born this way, maybe at one point they were the “Let’s take a Sunday stroll in the park” type, but an addict is not going to be that kind of person in an active addiction. The only walk they will take is to the dope house. And it’s not that they are walking away from YOU, they would walk away from anyone who didn’t want to take the trip with them.

MamaCas

I have been watching Intervention {obsessively} and am in shock at the similarity of the stories! I really need to quit though. I tend to dwell...

Vale

================================================== ===
That was not a rant....that was the highest example of the art form
of writing!

(Not to mention one of the more sobering and truthful summaries of
we've all gone through.)

......Thank You for writing it!

Lily1918

we can be trapped by the pain of withdrawals... True! BUT if an addict goes to detox, by the 7th day it is not so much a biochemical issue as much as it is an emotional one. That's why the 12 steps help addicts work through those old "hurts, hang ups and habits" to quote CR.

After the first month it is less the brain begging for the drug and more the soul wanting to escape emotions...

at least for me... AH says the same...

inpieces314

I used to be so big on that show, I would even convince the ABF to watch it with me. He actually liked it.

Now that he died, though, it's syndicated on LMN, and first I was like, "Oh yeah baby!" but now it just makes me sick. They are so lucky that they got to live.

Not counting the ones that didn't make it, of course, I think there are 6 of them as of last year. And that is amazing-these people could literally rewind their lives and see all the damage they actually did to people, yet it wasn't enough in the end.

I tend to dwell too, but now it's different than it was. I dwell on everything-I see dads and their kids at Wal-Mart and I want to walk up to every single one of them and tell them not to let them go, addicts or not, I don't care.

incitingsilence

For those finding here looking for insight into themselves, since this is a board for speaking about what we can do for us and how we can overcome our addiction to the addicts in our lives, this is for you.

We lie, the worst ones are the ones we tell ourselves. So desperately making up any excuse we can possible think of not to accept the truth in front of our eyes. We lie for them too as to why they didn‘t get to work or show up to a function, or can‘t get out of bed or why they are grumpy and miserable and mean and screaming we even lie if we get beat … lie, lie, lie…We lie to family to get cash to make up the cash they used for drugs, we lie to our children and tell them everything is ok, we lie to friends and coworkers and have masks for every mood we need to fake in order to make it one more minute … just one more.

We steal too, time! Time from our loved ones, our children, ourselves, so wrapped up in everything them. Someone watching will also turn any situation into a way to gain sympathy for themselves and play the helpless, hapless victim as if anyone is really here by happenstance. And then they will blame it all on the addict in their lives, who will become their best excuse for not living.

Oh I have said it so many times before, just because you are breathing doesn’t mean you are alive.

We cheat too, again ourselves the worse. Accepting behavior that is just unacceptable. We also manipulate very well and beg and bargain and compromise ourselves and our values going down them ladder rungs with ease.

And we blame them, for everything ours lives have become as if we weren’t there. As if we had no control over our own lives, but then how could we when all we had in our lives was a need to control everyone else’s around us.

And we make up every excuse we can think of not to leave, driven by such intense fear and the addiction, well it is so counting on our fear.

And they are trapped as much as those watching are. Each side uses denial, blame, shame, guilt, the past, and fear to keep themselves trapped.

Who is their right mind would stay addicted?
And maybe the question could be asked, who in the right mind would take over and over the chaos addiction brings?

Everyone in time IF they focus on themselves will find their can’t live with, can’t live without wake up call.

Oh and for the record there are inherently good and really evil people in this world … some happen to be addicts, some happen to be codependents ….

Yogagurl

Well played! Loved every word.

Yogagurl

@ Vale, thank you for the comment. I'm glad you found the post insightful.

Wishing you love and light.