Want to call off Mother's Day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: East coast
Posts: 25
Want to call off Mother's Day
My 29 year old son came over briefly tonight. He has a co-occurring issue with prescription drug addictions and who knows, probably bi-polar depression.
He was "up" on Friday, we had dinner with him, crazy on Saturday dealing with bank overdrafts....and tonight came to play music, but just picked up more of his stuff. He's moved out just 2 months now. But old ways were there, paranoia, nodding out, obsessing over things. He doesn't always spend so much time here, things must be more out of control. It is upsetting to my husband and I, and here I am sleepless. But I hesitate to refuse his visit. I managed to not engage or escalate anything and he left. "Accept them where they are"
Next week is Mother's Day. My daughter had a big fight with him last month while we were out of town. She was house sitting for us, and he showed up. She tired of him after some hours , asked him to leave, they got into it and she called the police. ( he's on probation and it could mean jail time) the police wanted them to figure it out I guess nothing came of it. But now they're not talking and she won't come over if he's here.
In addition on mothers day my brother is coming for a business trip. He's driving me crazy over a joint property we own and I dread the discussion that will have to happen while he's here. He likes me to have the whole family over for a visit while he's here. My other son and his family will come but find my brother overbearing.
All in all it's a Mother's Day disaster. And I'll have to orchestrate it besides.
I'm thinking a bike ride for all except the baby and my daughter in law before my brother arrives. Everyone brings something and we have a simple cook out here.
Option b is let them figure it out. Bad plan because then it falls on the daughter in law who is pretty overloaded with a toddler and a six week old...
Non of this is life threatening, I just feel anxious and have to,let go of trying to control everything! Thanks for listening...
I think I will ask them all what they want to do.
I am just so sad for my son and afraid he will spiral out of control.
:
He was "up" on Friday, we had dinner with him, crazy on Saturday dealing with bank overdrafts....and tonight came to play music, but just picked up more of his stuff. He's moved out just 2 months now. But old ways were there, paranoia, nodding out, obsessing over things. He doesn't always spend so much time here, things must be more out of control. It is upsetting to my husband and I, and here I am sleepless. But I hesitate to refuse his visit. I managed to not engage or escalate anything and he left. "Accept them where they are"
Next week is Mother's Day. My daughter had a big fight with him last month while we were out of town. She was house sitting for us, and he showed up. She tired of him after some hours , asked him to leave, they got into it and she called the police. ( he's on probation and it could mean jail time) the police wanted them to figure it out I guess nothing came of it. But now they're not talking and she won't come over if he's here.
In addition on mothers day my brother is coming for a business trip. He's driving me crazy over a joint property we own and I dread the discussion that will have to happen while he's here. He likes me to have the whole family over for a visit while he's here. My other son and his family will come but find my brother overbearing.
All in all it's a Mother's Day disaster. And I'll have to orchestrate it besides.
I'm thinking a bike ride for all except the baby and my daughter in law before my brother arrives. Everyone brings something and we have a simple cook out here.
Option b is let them figure it out. Bad plan because then it falls on the daughter in law who is pretty overloaded with a toddler and a six week old...
Non of this is life threatening, I just feel anxious and have to,let go of trying to control everything! Thanks for listening...
I think I will ask them all what they want to do.
I am just so sad for my son and afraid he will spiral out of control.
:
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
You're the Mom in this situation correct? If that's true it's not on you - it's MOTHER'S day it's for you! And well it's up to them to decide what they want to do FOR YOU. Just my two cents but I would let them figure it out....and if they come over and act crazy it's YOUR day mother's day and you have every right to ask they leave.
And if you don't want your son to come you have every right to tell him he's only welcome at certain times after the others leave.
You can only do and take so much - remember step 1: You have no control over people places and things, they will do what they will do...and you can just let it all go like you said.
Just my two cents.
Sorry you're feeling so stressed.
And if you don't want your son to come you have every right to tell him he's only welcome at certain times after the others leave.
You can only do and take so much - remember step 1: You have no control over people places and things, they will do what they will do...and you can just let it all go like you said.
Just my two cents.
Sorry you're feeling so stressed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Ohhappyday,
I hope whatever you decide will not be too stressful.
Prayers for your son, that he finds recovery from his addiction. It is so hard to enjoy a day when one of our children is having serious problems.
My daughters have had times when they were very angry at their brother, and then at others, they love him dearly.
I hope Mothers day ends up a peaceful day for you.
I hope whatever you decide will not be too stressful.
Prayers for your son, that he finds recovery from his addiction. It is so hard to enjoy a day when one of our children is having serious problems.
My daughters have had times when they were very angry at their brother, and then at others, they love him dearly.
I hope Mothers day ends up a peaceful day for you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi OHD, I have no great wisdom on this but it's not shaping up that well is it? I'm surprised at your brother coming on MD though?
One thought was, weather permitting, go to a park or some neutral place where you or anyone else can leave or go for a walk if things get too heated. You and your brother can transact your business beforehand perhaps.
One thought was, weather permitting, go to a park or some neutral place where you or anyone else can leave or go for a walk if things get too heated. You and your brother can transact your business beforehand perhaps.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I know your pain, my adult son is an addict and I spent many Mother's Days just like you, and many more sad because my son has been missing for many years.
No more sadness for me on my special day. I make plans, sometimes grand plans and sometimes quiet ones, and enjoy my day no matter what.
You enjoy bike riding. Why not have breakfast with your daughter and her young baby (she too is a mama now), and then plan a day biking to your favourite place and maybe a picnic or cook-out when you get there. Those who are willing can join you, those who are not can fend for themselves for a day.
And poo on your brother's timing. Tell him "some other time" and celebrate your special day without guilt or worry or any cares in the world. Because you ARE special, you are a mama, and you get to say how and with whom you will spend your day.
Hugs
No more sadness for me on my special day. I make plans, sometimes grand plans and sometimes quiet ones, and enjoy my day no matter what.
You enjoy bike riding. Why not have breakfast with your daughter and her young baby (she too is a mama now), and then plan a day biking to your favourite place and maybe a picnic or cook-out when you get there. Those who are willing can join you, those who are not can fend for themselves for a day.
And poo on your brother's timing. Tell him "some other time" and celebrate your special day without guilt or worry or any cares in the world. Because you ARE special, you are a mama, and you get to say how and with whom you will spend your day.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I totally relate to wanting to just cancel the entire day. Sometimes it's tiring putting on a happy face. I feel like I have these expectations that my son will call. Why? Because hallmark and society tell him he should? The fact is nothing relating to the way he lives his life feels like he is honoring any of his family members let alone me. (And I know....this isn't about me...but apparently it's mother's day.... so it's supposed to be!) I am making other fun plans with my husband and we will see what the day brings. The reality is....it's not always a great day for us mothers. I agree about telling your brother another time. I wish you a peaceful day...one in which you feel honored.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
When our children were young I used to go out on Mother's Day while my husband watched them, or take a long bath, etc.
When our children got older I wanted effort from them instead of my husband. I was seriously disappointed more often than not.
When our daughter was active in her addiction I was in some fantasy land about what I wanted/needed. I was heartbroken when The Beast showed up and snarled ugliness at me.
Now that our family has a new normal and The Beast is comatose one day at a time, I've come full circle and I'm perfectly content making myself happy again
When our children got older I wanted effort from them instead of my husband. I was seriously disappointed more often than not.
When our daughter was active in her addiction I was in some fantasy land about what I wanted/needed. I was heartbroken when The Beast showed up and snarled ugliness at me.
Now that our family has a new normal and The Beast is comatose one day at a time, I've come full circle and I'm perfectly content making myself happy again
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I just want to let you know that I commiserate with you. I have never liked Mother's Day. It feels like a giant obligation to my alcoholic mother, and nothing for me ~ a mother of four. I get what everyone is saying about making it about a day for you to enjoy, but I know myself and if I did not involve my mother, I would be overwhelmed with guilt and I wouldn't have fun anyway. My kids are still young, so I can't imagine what it is going to be like to try to make it a good day for everyone when they are adults. Blah, poo, I get it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: East coast
Posts: 25
My mother died when my youngest was 6 months old . Mother's Day has always been a drag because I wanted MY mother, not to be one. Beyond that I wanted what was in the comic strips- for the family to make me breakfast in bed, give me flowers. I always set myself up for disappointment because my husband is just not the type to orchestrate anything. The plan seems to be bike ride, then food, my daughter in law and daughter have planned and are taking care of all of that. My brother is coming in at the same time so he'll join us. I'm touched that a meal will be had for all and I'm not involved. I have to get something special for my daughter in law who has two babies of her own.
Beyond that my addict son is really upsetting me. I am angry and sad that he is not getting better but worse again. I don't want to say anything negative but when I talk to him it just comes out. Later I write texts or emails in my head, trying to get through to the lost man, but I know that Nothing I say will help. Periodically I just banish him from me to get a break. Although it has no lasting effect on him at least I get some distance.
Mother's Day will be a land mine for him because he and his sister are not talking, he knows I'm pissed at him and he has real issues with my brother. If he shows up high it will be a bad scene. But if he doesn't come it will make both of us very sad.....of course he could rally and be straight...hope has no bounds!
I need to go to a meeting. There is a group I might go to tonight.
Beyond that my addict son is really upsetting me. I am angry and sad that he is not getting better but worse again. I don't want to say anything negative but when I talk to him it just comes out. Later I write texts or emails in my head, trying to get through to the lost man, but I know that Nothing I say will help. Periodically I just banish him from me to get a break. Although it has no lasting effect on him at least I get some distance.
Mother's Day will be a land mine for him because he and his sister are not talking, he knows I'm pissed at him and he has real issues with my brother. If he shows up high it will be a bad scene. But if he doesn't come it will make both of us very sad.....of course he could rally and be straight...hope has no bounds!
I need to go to a meeting. There is a group I might go to tonight.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I feel for you OHD. I've had many of a shi**y Mother's Day due to other's behaviors. I find myself taking my MIl out, seeing my daughter and grandkids and don't do much for myself and that should be the point, shouldn't it?
I find myself going between taking care of others and saying to heck with it and doing just for me..................but then I feel like I am being selfish.Anyway, just wanted to say I totally get your anxiety. Family stuff is tough. I'll be lucky if my sons wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Hope everything works out for you and you can enjoy yourself. If your brother is overbearing why can't you say you had plans already? Sheesh, does he not know it's supposed to be all about YOU this weekend?
I find myself going between taking care of others and saying to heck with it and doing just for me..................but then I feel like I am being selfish.Anyway, just wanted to say I totally get your anxiety. Family stuff is tough. I'll be lucky if my sons wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Hope everything works out for you and you can enjoy yourself. If your brother is overbearing why can't you say you had plans already? Sheesh, does he not know it's supposed to be all about YOU this weekend?
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