The truth is.....

Old 05-06-2014, 11:49 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Geez, after writing it for all to read....I feel even dumber now then after I hung up with him. Geez, maybe I will just move away and pretend it never happened. Oh wait, how stupid would THAT be?

Ok, it's almost over so please bare with me!! I am "one of the those" who have a deep bottom, a bit of a slow learner, obviously struggling with surrendering and letting go.

On a more positive note, at least no one can say I am a born quitter. lol. Yeah, because that's important.
Hmmmm I see absolutely no compassion here for you or him.

For me learning compassion was the key to my freedom.

Its so much easier when you don't have to blame anyone,

I accept that I am powerless over addiction of any kind, and I accept that my xaddicit is too, and sadly he will continue to suffer without even knowing, but I wont because I have chosen to let him live his life in the style he sees fit, and I am allowed to do the same.
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Old 05-06-2014, 12:09 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
Hmmmm I see absolutely no compassion here for you or him.

For me learning compassion was the key to my freedom.

Its so much easier when you don't have to blame anyone,

I accept that I am powerless over addiction of any kind, and I accept that my xaddicit is too, and sadly he will continue to suffer without even knowing, but I wont because I have chosen to let him live his life in the style he sees fit, and I am allowed to do the same.
Compassion for him and "his disease" has kept me hooked. Forgiveness and compassion are necessary but at the right time during my journey. Right now, I feel mad and I am OK with that.
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Old 05-06-2014, 12:53 PM
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compassion...

ugh... here we go! -_-
whatever...

addiction is a choice. Here let me go and ruin everyone's life and be emotionally abusive and have compassion on me!!!???

Pshhh!!! PALEEEZE!!!

so called "compassion" is often times more about having a "savior complex" than about real compassion >=[

PS: I am an RA and letting a person use and still be in your life is BS. LMN has already shared that her AH is in active addiction. It's not like she's here being a crybaby about his recovery putting her
on the back burner (which true recovery always does) sure we should have compassion when it comes to PAWS... NOT active addiction. nope. never.
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Old 05-06-2014, 01:07 PM
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Lily, I agree with what you are saying. Good for you.

LMN...there is a fine line between forgiveness because someone is sorry for their behavior and is actually seeking forgiveness, which means not repeating that same behavior over and over. (The definition of INSANITY BTW is repeating the same actions over and over and expecting a different result...hmmmm). There is something you can do for YOU. Not live with the resentments and weight of it all on your shoulders. Set up boundaries that you can stick with, work toward goals of what brings you happiness in life.

Letting go of resentments is certainly a positive, but if we don't change anything and just pile them back up over and over it becomes to look a lot like Insanity, just mentioning!

I think you are diving deep into your feelings and that is a great thing my friend!

XXX
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Old 05-06-2014, 01:31 PM
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I have read this thread and just thought I would throw in my 2 cents.

I have been where you are. I feel your pain and confusion. My RAH has acted just like I should accept what he was doing and has even told me he continued to use because of me...seeing how much he has hurt me, blah blah blah. I know you are hurting, he has given you glimps of what he can be or what life can be. Those are reasons why we stay and try to help. Why some of us stay until we hit rock bottom ourselves. Trust me, I was no quitter until my mind broke. Yet, I am still here with him for one reason. He is trying to recover, dealing with his demons, but that is today. I cannot future trip, or my mind will break again.

LMN, let your higher power drive this one and steer you. Lay it down at his feet, because if it is meant to be, it will. You don't need to sort out your feelings today. Deal with what is in front of you today, which sounds like someone, the addict, not ready to deal with their demons, so take care of YOU.
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Old 05-06-2014, 05:08 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post
compassion...

ugh... here we go! -_-
whatever...

addiction is a choice. Here let me go and ruin everyone's life and be emotionally abusive and have compassion on me!!!???

Pshhh!!! PALEEEZE!!!

so called "compassion" is often times more about having a "savior complex" than about real compassion >=[

PS: I am an RA and letting a person use and still be in your life is BS. LMN has already shared that her AH is in active addiction. It's not like she's here being a crybaby about his recovery putting her
on the back burner (which true recovery always does) sure we should have compassion when it comes to PAWS... NOT active addiction. nope. never.
I hear what you are saying lily, and I respectfully disagree, just because I am developing compassion doesn't mean abuse is okay, or any of the behavior is okay, not at all. I have compassion for active addicts as well as those in recovery. My x never was in recovery, I still have tons of compassion for him because now I can see how his addiction is and will kill him, people in active addiction suffer just as much as we do, they are tortured. The chances of me finding happiness is far greater than my x doing so. My brain is not directed by addiction. His always will be. He got drunk at 14, his parents supplied him the booze, it made him feel better, he drank to drunkenness with his father from the age of 14, he never had a chance.

LMN I never to cause you any distress, I know that your feelings are so real and its very painful, sending lots of love your way. Katie
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Old 05-06-2014, 05:57 PM
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From Merriam Webster Dictionary:

Compassion -- sympathetic to others' distress, along with a desire to alleviate it."

This compassion, or desire to try to alleviate my partner's distress, is exactly what caused my own life to derail. And it didn't do him much good either.

I am very careful about my tendencies toward compassion now.
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Old 05-06-2014, 06:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post

LMN I never to cause you any distress, I know that your feelings are so real and its very painful, sending lots of love your way. Katie
Oh Katie, thank you and I know that. I always value your ESH. (and missed it and you). I am so glad that you are know in a compassionate place. I look forward to being there as well but for now, compassion about addiction is just too confusing for me. With more time and clarity, I will get back there again in a healthier and a more self care kind of way.
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Old 05-06-2014, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Needabreak View Post
From Merriam Webster Dictionary:

Compassion -- sympathetic to others' distress, along with a desire to alleviate it."

This compassion, or desire to try to alleviate my partner's distress, is exactly what caused my own life to derail. And it didn't do him much good either.

I am very careful about my tendencies toward compassion now.
I don't have a desire to alleviate my x's distress, I can't.

I meant no harm here, I retract my posts.
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Old 05-06-2014, 06:25 PM
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Wow, LMN, I can relate to your situation. Every bit of it. I'm currently in the process of home and job searching, all while struggling with my decisions and getting emails, texts and ims from ah begging for me to take him back. (I did kick him out, he been staying with his parents for a week now). I know exactly what you feel when you question, even when you can feel so confident one minute.
I've been slowly working through the 12 step for Co dependants that Ann has posted. It's been extremely helpful to not down notes and journal the activities. It is nice to be able to look back and remember the strength and confidence that I have. It's also helpful to look back and remember all that I've gone through-and don't want to go through again. In my 15 year relationship, I've notice that I blocked out a whole lot of pain that recently resurfaced. It can suck to reminisce that kind of memory, but in this circumstance its helpful to move on. Many prayers for you in your journey, we can do this
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Old 05-06-2014, 06:43 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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"I don't have a desire to alleviate my x's distress, I can't.

I meant no harm here, I retract my posts. Katiekatie,"

I understood what you meant, I just thought the use of the word might be overlooking the dangerous side of compassion for those of us who love addicts. We tend to overstep on the "alleviating distress" thing. It's part of how addiction makes us sick.

Sympathy might be the word we're looking for. Sympathy can mean "feeling sorry for someone else's troubles," which is kind of useless, but it can also mean "understanding between people; common feeling."

Every once in a while someone posts something on this the board that just blows me away, makes me see things in a whole new way. Maybe this is sympathy, because the person certainly doesn't know me, but they understand and put into words something that I feel, experience, and need to understand in order to grow.

I think this "sympathy" factors in in recovery centers and 12-step meetings too.

I wonder however if a non-addict can really have true sympathy for/with an addict? Or they for us?
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Old 05-06-2014, 07:35 PM
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We each feel what we feel, our feelings are valid even if they don't please anyone. I felt anger for my son for a long time, and for me it turned to compassion when I saw how much he hated his life of addiction and felt he could not escape it. It was pitiful to see a grown man crying in a fetal position in the corner of his room.

My feelings were no longer about rescuing or saving him, but a sadness that he felt he could not save himself.

That is how I felt no matter how you analyze it, I felt compassion for a human being who was so lost that he could not find himself.

Addiction affects each of us differently but in the end it destroys families and leaves a lot of pain in its wake.
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Old 05-06-2014, 08:10 PM
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LMN,

Why are giving him so much power?

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Old 05-06-2014, 08:10 PM
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Katie, I don't think your opinion caused any harm. I know that I appreciate any information, thoughts and feelings you provide to these threads. I completely understand what you were trying to get at. Thank you and have a great night!
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Old 05-06-2014, 09:46 PM
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(know!)
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Old 05-06-2014, 10:16 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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CO, I don't know! Habit?? But thank you for reminding me to take it back.

P.S. Love your new avatar.

Vale? Are you starting a new slogan? Will we be seeing it on t-shirts any time soon?

<proudly wears my know! t-shirt.
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Old 05-07-2014, 12:04 AM
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No, LMN........I'm not that clever.

I wrote a statement a few posts ago

(You we all are 100% in your corner!)......... that obviously makes no sense.

......insert (know) after "you"....... and suddenly Vale is making sense!

(a first, I know, and strictly chance...........so don't get your hopes up for
a new and coherent Vale-----it isn't going to happen!)

Vale......like Forrest Gump, but without the Panache!

(diet coke, NOT Dr. Pepper!)
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